Chapter 36
Maybe the party wore him out, or maybe the tea really helped, but for whatever reason Eugene was able to sleep for a while when they returned to the castle. Since he's the only one who doesn't have a hangover in the morning, he's going to attribute it to the tea.
Three valets wake him up to fill the tub in his washroom with hot water. They attempt to be delicate as they explain that he really does need to use soap.
"I know how to use soap," he says.
They look skeptical.
"If you don't do a good job, we'll make you do it again."
"And we'll make sure you do it right."
"And use this soap. It smells like vanilla."
Eugene grumbles. He really doesn't want to smell like vanilla.
After his bath they let him eat breakfast, which is way too heavy for how tight his stomach feels. He eats a half a slice of orange then pushes his bacon around his plate. After a while the valets decide that he's not going to eat anymore and frown at him for wasting their time.
They make him brush his teeth, and at first they seem to think that he can handle it on his own, but then they make him do it a second time. He then has to hold a little minty ball in his mouth for a half hour to make his breath smell nice. It also numbs his tongue. He tries to ask if that's normal, but they snap at him and tell him to keep his mouth shut.
They've decided that he can't wash his hair on his own, so they plop him down and have him lean back into a tub of water while they massage his scalp. He rolls the little minty ball around in his mouth and stays quiet. He starts to wonder if keeping his mouth shut until it dissolves is really necessary or if they just made it up so he'd stop complaining. They rub four different substances into his hair, and he never asks what any of them are or what they're for.
While one valet is busy with his hair, another goes after his fingernails, which is beyond bizarre. They are cut, and buffed, and his cuticles are poked at, and stuff is rubbed against his cuts and different stuff against his calluses. Eugene sincerely hopes they're not going to come after him with nail polish. He'd have to punch someone.
They dry his hair, then spend a very long time combing it. Eugene informs them that his hair style is sexy and if they make him look stupid he's going to kick all their asses. They ignore him and chalk it all up to the fact that he's both nervous and an idiot.
"This is all a bit much. Don't you think?" he asks.
"No."
"Is anyone even going to notice my fingernails?"
"Yes. They're disgusting."
"Are not."
"The princess awoke a full three hours before you for her preparations."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
Eugene has a sudden, strong desire to see her and make sure she's alright after having people prod at her for so long. He tries to run a nervous hand through his hair, but he's promptly shouted at as his hand is snatched away from his head.
Wesley shows up as one of the valets starts sharpening his straight razor.
"Hey, Eugene. How you doing?"
"Peachy."
"Oh, you're not dressed yet. Then I'm taking off my jacket. It's too stuffy."
"Good call."
Wesley gives him a high five and flops down onto the window seat as a valet presses a hot towel to Eugene's face.
"How's Goldie? Do you know?"
"No. They're not going to let me in to see her."
"That's true."
"Do you need anything else? You hungry?"
"No."
"Sure?"
"Yeah. I don't think I can eat."
"You should try anyway."
"They'll just make me brush my teeth again."
"That's right," the valet says, rubbing warm shaving cream between his hands before plastering it against Eugene's jaw.
Wesley informs him that he looks funny, and Eugene tells him to fuck off.
There's a moment of horror when Eugene suspects that the valet is going to shave off his beard, but it passes and the procedure ends up being the most pleasant part of the day so far. He attributes this mostly to the fact that he now smells like aftershave instead of vanilla, and that makes him feel more manly all the way around.
Everyone wants to help him get dressed, which is weird because he's not a toddler and he's never considered that helping someone get dressed could be a fun pastime. He pulls on his vest undershirt and his white dress shirt, and he's swarmed by people who want to help him with his cuff-links.
He steps into his pants, which are a warm reddish brown with a gold stripe down the outside seam. Someone hands him a leather belt, and he notes that his ass looks really good. He wonders whose idea that was.
Someone helps him shrug into his jacket, then someone else starts on all the hooks running down the front. It's a creamy white color with more gold embroidery around the cuffs of his sleeves and running down his chest to hide the clasps. It's heavy cotton and he's positive that he's going to melt in the heat. Someone hands him a glass of ice water and he takes two gulps before he starts feeling queasy again.
One of his shoulder straps is unbuttoned to attach his baldric, a gold strip of fabric that runs from his right shoulder to his left hip, bearing a metal sun emblem that rests against his chest. Someone refastens his shoulder strap, while someone else snaps the baldric together at his hip. In theory he would attach his sword to this, but he doesn't have a sword, no one wants him to have a sword, and it would mostly just get in the way anyhow.
He pulls on his boots and notes that even though it took five people to get him dressed, Wesley manages to get his jacket on by himself.
And then he has nothing to do. He tries to sit, but he's too anxious and the valets keep giving him dirty looks because he might be wrinkling his clothes. Then he tries pacing, but he can tell that this is making everyone else anxious.
"If you touch your hair again, I will handcuff you to something!" one of the valets shouts.
Eugene stuffs his hands in his pockets, which makes the valet groan as he wrinkles his jacket. Why did they give him pockets if he's not allowed to use them? That's stupid.
After a while, he kicks Wesley off the window seat and pries open his hiding place to get his pocket watch and check what time it is. He has about an hour before the ceremony, and he thinks maybe they should start making their way over there. It is, after all, a full five minute walk.
Wesley tells him to calm down.
Is Rapunzel feeling this anxious? He hopes she's not. He hopes she's still excited and not getting overwhelmed. He hopes she's not so anxious that she faints or has a panic attack and doesn't show up. He'll be standing there in front of hundreds of people as it's announced that she's feeling a bit ill and there's not going to be a wedding after all.
He swallows and checks his watch again.
Wesley tells him to calm down.
Eugene's about to tell him to bite him, when there's a knock on the door, and Eugene assumes that that means it's time to go. But it's not. It's just the queen come to check on him.
"Is Rapunzel ok?"
The queen is very sweet not to laugh at him. "Yes, dear. She's fine. She's going to wear herself out if she keeps going like she is."
Relief sweeps over him, his shoulders sinking, the tension in his jaw seeping away.
"Oh, Eugene, you look so handsome," she says, giving him a hug that he didn't realize he needed. When she pulls away her eyes are a bit teary, which amuses Eugene so much that he makes fun of her. She swats him and leaves.
After a mindless half hour, the valets decide that it's time to leave and they walk way too slowly across the castle to the grand ballroom where the ceremony will take place. Then they wait around some more, this time at the side entrance where Eugene can peak inside at everyone in their finest clothes and most colorful hats. The piano music in the background doesn't cover the murmur of discussion, which fans the nervous tremor in his arms and hardens the knotted ball in his stomach.
"Look at Lord Oliver's outfit," Wesley whispers in an attempt to distract him. "Can you believe anyone would wear something that made them look so…"
"Clown like?"
"I was going to say distracting, but I like yours better."
"Maybe him and Ulf will hit it off."
"Yeah, because Lord Oliver talks enough for three people."
Eugene snickers.
Their discussion of who has the most hideous/scandalous/attention grabbing outfit is interrupted as the pastor comes up behind them and notes that Lady Wendy's gown is ridiculous, with which everyone agrees.
"You ready?" the man says, straightening his stole and tucking his notes under his arms.
Eugene shrugs. "Are you?"
The pastor squeezes his arm and throws open the door to let light from a hundred windows and the murmur from a hundred voices into their dark little hallway. Wes throws him a thumbs up, and Eugene squares his shoulders and marches into the room.
The background music settles as everyone focuses their attention towards the front, toward Eugene. He thinks about waving, but decides against it. He does shoot a grin at the queen, who has a handkerchief tucked into her hand. She tries to glower at him, but she's smiling too broadly.
And then the music starts up again and Eugene watches, his chest tightening as the single bridesmaid appears. It's a girl from the kitchens who he's met a few times, but he can't for the life of him remember her name. She's mostly just there to give Pascal a ride anyway as the chameleon is tucked inside her bouquet. In theory he has both the rings.
The girl smiles at him as she takes her place up front, but he doesn't even notice because Rapunzel's turn is next and he's so excited that his brain feels fuzzy.
The crowd stands as one and Rapunzel appears.
She's resplendent.
And she's beaming. And he's beaming back. And it's like the last few hours of painful anxiety never even happened.
Her dress is the exact same shade of cream as his jacket, decorated with the same swirling gold embroidery, showing off a tantalizing amount of skin. Her veil is long and gold and reminds him so strongly of her blonde hair that it's funny. Under her veil he can just make out that her hair has been braided back and decorated with little, white flowers.
He looks away long enough to shake the king's hand and be pulled in for a hug. And then he's standing with her at his side, where she belongs, and he's holding her hand, and he's lost in her eyes, and he's grinning so madly that his face starts to hurt.
He can't even pay attention to the pastor as he's too busy marveling at how much he loves her and how she is his forever and ever. He repeats what he's told to repeat, but he's not sure he gets all the words right, and he doesn't concentrate enough to know what he's saying. Later he'll hope that he didn't agree to anything weird.
Pascal holds out his tail for him to take Rapunzel's ring. He slips it back onto her finger and she sighs as if she was missing it between the time she gave it to Pascal and now. The chameleon smirks at him, then sticks out his tongue to give Eugene's ring to Rapunzel. She takes it off the tip of his tongue with a giggle and slips it onto Eugene's finger. It's slimy, but he doesn't care as he takes her hand again.
It's announced that he's her husband, and she's his wife, and he should kiss her.
She throws her arms around his neck and grins. For a moment he grins back, then pulls her tight, closes his eyes, and kisses her. And she's breathtaking and beautiful and warm as sunshine. And he loves her more than anything.