Dom's face hardened with skepticism. I made my way past him and inside the house. It was small but was situated on the beach. It had a great view. Mia was already inside, nestled in Brian's arms. I looked at them and couldn't help but smile. I missed having just a simple relationship. Or simpler than my current one.
"Letty," Vince smiled, walking up to me.
"Sup, bro," I greeted him with a hug. From what I could tell looking through his tight undershirt, his arm appeared to be healing but a giant scar was forming. After looking over the rest of him it was clear that he had not managed to find a razor since we left California. He was beginning to look like Wolverine.
"Hey Brian," I called over to him, trying to be polite.
"Hi, Letty," he smiled a wide toothy grin. I glared at Mia. Surely she wouldn't have said anything to him. Surely.
"My turn," Jesse said, coming in for a hug. I smiled and complied.
"How you livin'?" I asked him. I tried not to show weariness in my voice.
"I'm good. How are you? What are y'all doing here?" he asked in response.
"That's what I'd like to know," Dom chimed in from behind.
I turned back to look at Dom. A nervous feeling immediately overtook my body. I felt nauseated, and I did not think it had anything to do with the pregnancy. I was pretty sure it had to do with his potential reaction. How would he take this news? If he took it the same way I did, that was going to suck.
"Can we go somewhere? And talk. Alone," I probed.
Dom motioned his head towards outside, the beach. Interesting choice of locales. That was one way to take a place I always loved and potentially make me forever hate it. But I needed to try to give Dom the benefit of the doubt.
"I'll meet you out there. Where's the bathroom in this palace?"
"Hey, don't be knockin' the vacation house," Jesse stated from across the room.
"Vacation house?" Mia questioned. "What sort of vacation are you boys on?"
"The shitty kind," Brian replied.
"Bathroom's back that way," Dom pointed down a hallway. "Second door on the left."
I nodded and made my way back. I opened the door. It was immediately clear that only boys lived here. The house had only been lived in for a couple of days and it was already pretty disgusting. Mia was going to have her work cut out for her.
I braced my hands on the edge of the sink, head lowered, drawing deep calming breaths. But my respite was short lived. I heard the barely perceptible sound of the door swinging open and looked up into the mirror to find him slowly advancing toward me. I moved as though to turn to face him. But stopped.
"Letty, what is it?" he said, his voice now mirroring that of concern.
My back was still facing him but our gazes locked in the mirror. He halted his advance only when his body was so close we were almost touching.
How was I going to do this? I didn't really have a plan. Perhaps I should have used the travel time to figure out how I was going to spill the beans. Hindsight.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Nothing like adding insult to injury. How could things have gotten even worse? I heard Mia's words echo over and over, like a mantra. You have to tell him. You have to tell him. I had to tell him. Maybe I could just write him a nice note, maybe send him a telegram. People could still do that, right? Western Union. Or, maybe a thorough email. Perhaps a voicemail or messenger pigeon. I could not think of any other subtle ways to send someone a message. But no, I had traveled all this way. I had to just do it.
In a second.
"Well…" he pushed harder.
"Give me just a second," I said now turning to him. "I'll meet you outside."
With that he sighed angrily and backed out to give me the requested space. I closed the door quietly behind him. My hands pressed against the door handle, holding it so tightly it was draining the color from my knuckles. I did not know if I was making sure he stayed out or I stayed in. I breathed a few more big breaths. It was now or never.
I knew that I would have to get some balls and just do what I'd been dreading. Up until this point I had used the ever-effective method of 'if you don't talk about it maybe it will go away'. Surprisingly, that had not worked. It hadn't gone away.
I was not going to tell the rest of the team anytime soon- or ever. Though I had a feeling that would be completely impossible.
I made my way out of the bathroom. Dom was on the beach. I walked outside onto the porch. He was sitting in the sand, by the shoreline, with a cooler for company. I left my shoes on the bottom step and made my way out to the sand. Each step towards him got harder and harder. I did not want to do this. Typically, I ran away from things I did not want to do. I could not run away from this one. Nope, it was here to stay.
"Hey," I said, my voice inadvertently breaking.
"Hey," he replied, looking up at me, waiting. His eyes questioned in ways his words did not.
I made my way to sit down in the sand beside him. I noticed, not far off in the distance several kids were playing. I looked over at them and thought. Kids.
They chased each other closer and closer to where Dom and I were sitting. One of the children, dashing directly in front of us, knocked Dom's beer over from where it had been resting in a koozie made of sand.
"Fuck," Dom said angrily. He quickly scooped up his beer before too much liquid escaped.
"Fucking kids. How's there not some sort of law against this? Don't they got leashes for them? Ugh, just runnin' all over other people's shit."
With that, he lifted up his beer towards his lips.
I thought this was an unfortunate circumstance and setting of events. But, there was no time like the present.
"Dom, I'm…pregnant," I blurted out before I even knew what I was saying.
I looked over at him. The beer bottle was still pressed to his lips.
"Dom?" I repeated hesitantly.
He tilted the bottle up further.
"Dom?" I asked, yet again, somewhat more agitated.
He continued to tilt up the beer bottle until all of the contents were gone- practically an entire beer. He slowly sat the empty bottle down and reached over to the cooler for another. Still silent, he twisted the cap off and brought the new bottle up to his lips.
"Dom say something," I let out, becoming very annoyed at his lack of response.
After approximately half of that bottle was gone, he lowered the bottle and looked at me.
"Really?" he asked. The feeling behind his tone was impossible to determine.
I nodded slowly.
He let out a long sigh, running his hands over the top of his head. He rubbed his eyes and lowered his head to the sand.
Why wasn't he saying anything? Was he mad? Sad? Furious?
"Come on, you have to say something," I finally said.
"What do you want me to say? I ain't seen you in almost two weeks. Then, out of the blue you travel across countries to come up here and drop this bomb on me and expect me to know exactly what to say. I….ugh," he shrugged.
"Are you mad?" I asked.
"I don't really know what I'm feeling right now."
We both sat in silence for a few minutes. He looked stressed. I felt stressed.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I responded indignantly.
"How do you know?"
I scrunched up my eyebrows and shot him a look portraying the fact that I thought he was an idiot. It was my turn to shrug. "Well, I was late, for starters. And I took a pregnancy test. When it was positive, I kind of took the hint."
"How late?" he asked in an attempt to wrap his head around this situation.
"Um…about two months," I admitted.
"Two months!" he exclaimed angrily. "You've known for two months and you're just deciding to tell me about this now?"
"Hey, quit yelling at me mother fucker! And, no, for your information, I haven't known about it for two months. I have been a little preoccupied with staying out of jail and not getting killed for the past couple of months," I yelled back. But I felt my anger subsiding and my voice evening in an attempt to explain. "I figured it out yesterday, or the day before. I don't even know what day it is. Anyway I have been trying to find a way to tell you. I didn't want to tell you over some prepaid cell phone." One week, eight weeks, ten weeks, now wasn't the time to get into specifics with numbers.
He lowered his head into his hands again.
"Well…" I said, needing something from him.
"That's…"he paused.
I paused too.
"That's…that's great?" There was no emotion to his voice. I still couldn't tell whether he was mad, or just in shock. Or was he being sarcastic?
"What about what you just said? About those kids over there?" I asked knowingly.
"Well…a lot's changed since then," he replied honestly.
"Like what?" I asked annoyed.
"Um…okay. Well…" he was clearly at a loss for words. "So what now?"
I shrugged.
Just then, when the tension was so strong you couldn't even cut it with a chainsaw, a group of obnoxious adolescents gathered nearby. They were playing music and talking/yelling at a volume that was obviously interfering with Dom's thoughts.
"Let's talk about this inside," he said, standing up. I just sat in the sand. He looked over at the adolescents, giving them a pretty intense death stare. But, he didn't approach them. I guess that was a positive. He was focused on this for the moment, so it seemed.
He reached down and offered his hand to help me up. I hesitated, but grabbed it. He pulled me up easily. He reached down with the other hand and grabbed a now empty cooler.
We walked inside the house. I avoided looking at Leon, and passed him. I followed Dom into one of the bedrooms. I was tired of talking. I felt like I'd said enough to last three lifetimes.
"Have you told anybody?" he asked, closing the door to the bedroom.
"Told anybody what?" I asked, walking over to the window. I looked down at the teenagers on the beach. That used to be us.
He just shot me an ignorant glare and glanced down at my stomach, raising his brow.
"Oh um, just Mia. And Leon," I admitted.
"You told Leon and Mia?" he asked, starting to be argumentative again. "How could you tell them before you even told me?"
"You're really surprised about that?" I asked him, not intending to sound like as much of a smart ass as it assuredly came out. "They were sort of there when I found out. It's not like I broadcasted it over the radio or anything."
"How did this even happen?" he asked, placing his head into his hands.
"You need me to draw you a roadmap?"
"Can you, maybe, be serious for a second about this? I need to figure things out."
"You ain't got to pretend. It's not like I'm excited. I'm kind of pissed," I admitted.
He sighed heavily. "No, Letty, it'll be okay," he said rubbing his head.
"Jesus, everybody keeps saying that. How's this gonna be okay?" I said, unable to hide my smart-ass tone at this point.
"Damnit Letty, I'm trying here, okay?" he said exasperated.
"Well, stop," I yelled.
"Stop trying?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah," I answered.
"Alright, yeah this sucks," he finally confessed.
"Thank you," I said relieved to be getting a straight response out of him.
"And it really couldn't come at a worse time," he continued.
I nodded my head in agreement.
"I mean I don't know if I even ever wanted kids. Now for this to happen this way, right now. Shit. I can't think of a bigger blow…" he continued.
I stopped him. "Okay, I get it. You ain't gotta dwell on how bad this is." I was getting really turned off by the emphasis he was placing on the negatives. It's not like I hadn't done it myself. But I wanted more from him. Or maybe I needed more from him right now.
"Well, come here," he said, reaching his hands out to me. I sat down next to him on the bed. "I mean, what do you want to do?"
I knew what he was asking. What did everyone call it- your options? Those were some shitty options. I wanted to pick D, none of the above. Too bad life isn't really multiple choice. So, instead, I just decided not to answer. In this moment I was wishing I hadn't even told him.
After giving me ample response time he said, "Okay, well we don't have to decide right now. Let's just lay down."
I shook my head. That was no solution. That wouldn't change a thing. I was pretty sure that was how this whole thing started in the first place. I stood up and walked out the door. I heard him calling me but I didn't stop. I kept walking. I grabbed a pair of car keys without caring whose car. I walked outside and pressed the keyless entry, walking over to the car that responded. At this point, the sun was rising high in the sky. I got into the car and cranked the engine. I put it in reverse. I saw Dom coming through the doorway. It didn't matter. The car was already heading backwards. I backed down into the street and hit it into first, quickly into second, third, I was off. I had no idea where I was going or what I was really doing. I had planned on trying to work this out with him. Apparently that was not what I really wanted.
I saw his car following me in the rearview. I didn't want to deal with him right now. I had enough to figure out on my own. I hadn't really taken any time to think about it. I assumed that telling him first would be the right thing to do. I was rethinking this decision now. Maybe I should have worked out what was best for me before I even mentioned it to him. I appreciated his attempt but, really? I hit the spray and left him behind.
As soon as I could no longer see him my mind was starting to clear up a little bit. A baby. That really sucked. What was I supposed to do with a baby? It wasn't the getting fat part that bothered me, it was all that shit after the fat part that I had issues with. I was pretty much the opposite of maternal. And I didn't really see Dominic as the most paternal person. I'd really gotten myself into some shit now. I couldn't come up with anything that provided a good solution.
I had already decided that abortion was out. I just wasn't down with that. But, I was equally less down with having a baby right now.
I drove down the beach; in a completely new town I was totally lost. I didn't even know if I was still in the same remote town we had started in. I didn't care.
I stopped my car and got out. Damn, I loved smelling salt air. I left my shoes in the car, walked over the makeshift dock, and down into the sand. The sand was warm from the sun of the day. I appreciated the way the soft sand felt between my feet as I made my way closer and closer to the shoreline.
I sat in the sand, somewhere between soft and taken away by the tide. The water was cool on my toes and it was the only thing I understood. What do you do when you love a man? Do you have their baby? What if they don't want a baby? Do you not have it for them? For yourself? How far can you go to make someone else happy? How far can you go to make yourself happy? I didn't even know what would make me happy at this point.
Just then, I noticed someone coming up beside me. It was Dom. I guess it wasn't rocket science as to where I would be, especially considering I had really just driven straight. He sat down in the sand beside me but didn't say anything. Neither did I. We probably sat in silence for about ten or fifteen minutes.
"We can handle this," he said.
I didn't respond.
"I know you ain't much of a talker but you can't drop a bomb like this and then refuse to talk about it," he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Why? Seriously?" he asked sarcastically.
"I don't want to talk about it," I stated.
"Letty, listen, worse shit has happened," he said, trying
"I don't want to have a baby, Dom,"
"So what are you saying?"
"What the hell are we supposed to do with a baby?"
He shrugged. "I don't you buy a, um….crib, right? We can do that." He smiled. I am sure he was trying to change my mood a little bit. I didn't see that happening any time soon though.
"No, that's not it."
"Well why don't you tell me what 'it' is."
"Alright, 'it' is that I don't want to be pregnant. I don't know if I really want to even have this baby. And, I really don't know if I want to raise it. This isn't anything we ever talked about. And, now, I'm pretty sure this isn't what I want."
"Well, what do you want?"
"It doesn't matter anymore. The decision's already made."
"Let, I'm trying to do everything I can right now to…"
"Well, why don't you keep telling me that. Maybe you just tell me how hard it is for you. Tell me how hard you are trying and maybe it will change things," I stated.
"That's not what I'm…"
"That's exactly what you're saying." I'm sure he felt that he couldn't win for losing right now. And he was right. I am sure I was handling this wrong. But I had no clue what I was doing, thinking, feeling.
"Well, shit, what the hell do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. I'm blaming you for this whole thing. And, it's not just your fault. But, damn I wish it were."
"Thanks," he laughed sarcastically.
"Well, you asked me to tell you," I admitted.
"Are you saying you're going to….not have it then?"
I got up. I didn't answer. I started walking down the opposite end of the beach.
"Letty," he yelled.
I didn't respond. I acted like I didn't hear him.
"Letty, if you run away it's not going to do jack shit towards fixing this problem," he called out. I just kept walking. Maybe it would.
Responsible. The word kept running through my head. I wanted to chase it out with tequila shots but I didn't figure that was the appropriate move to make at this point. Responsible. I had been responsible. Wasn't that what the pill was all about? I really wanted to kill whoever made the pill and made it bloody ineffective. They should be responsible for this. I guess, well, I knew why this had happened. When we were in Mexico, I hadn't packed it. Mia packed my bags. She knew that I took it, but I guess, amidst all the chaos, that wasn't the first thing on her mind. I couldn't blame her. I didn't take it the entire time we were in Tijuana. I didn't think I'd be having a lot of sex, what with being injured and all. Clearly, I should just stop trying to guess anything about my own life.
I was going to have to go home eventually. It was getting very dark. I knew Dom would be there. With all the craziness in our world right now, this was the last thing we needed to have to figure out. We needed to be focusing on finding Tran's guys and getting back to LA. I turned around and walked back in the other direction, unsure as to how far I had even walked.
I made my way back to the car and put my shoes on. I drove back to the house and his car was in the driveway. I pulled up behind him, parked, and got out. I took a deep breath before making my way into the house. I sat the mystery keys down. The den was full of the team.
"Let, where ya been?" Vince asked over the television set.
I looked around, Dom wasn't in there.
"Where's Dom?" I asked, ignoring Vince's question.
"Bedroom," he replied, refocusing on the television.
I sighed as I pushed the door open. Dom was sitting on the bed. He looked up at me and then looked away. I guessed he was a little ticked off about how I had acted earlier. I couldn't blame him. I had been a little melodramatic.
"I'm sorry," I said, sitting down on the bed and facing him. I crossed my legs and looked over at him. I hated apologizing.
"It's cool. You gotta quit just running off like that when shit hits the fan. You get pissed at every word I say and then you just leave," he honestly replied.
"It's not what you're saying, it's what I'm thinking," I said.
He took his index finger, pointed to the top of my head and said, "Well give me a clue."
"I think I figured out how we got here. It was in Mexico. I didn't have my pills with me the whole time we were down there. So, here we are. And, I really hate it because none of the 'options' are what I want," I told him. Option- what a horrible word to use for this situation. You think of the word option as a very casual word. But, these were life-altering decisions, no matter which one you made.
"I wasn't trying to suggest you not have it when I said that."
"I know. I mean I thought about it, too. But, I couldn't do that."
"I know."
"I'm gonna have it."
He nodded.
"We're gonna have a baby," I said, stoically.
"Yay," he said, completely sarcastically and unenthused.
I couldn't help but smile and laugh. "Oh look at the shenanigans we've gotten ourselves into now."
He smiled back and leaned over and kissed me. "You know it'll be okay, right? In the long run. It'll be fine."
I looked back at him and without even thinking just said, "yeah. I know."
"So…does it feel like a boy?"
"Right now, it feels like food poisoning."
TBC
AJ
Sorry it took so long to update! I promise it won't be this long before another update. I had writers block.