Chapter thirty four: Trying

NPOV

October 15, Monday

Eventually we didn't talk anymore in private on the weekend, me and Tina. It had been a stormy weekend, and that was the perfect scenario for one hell of a vampire base ball game. I had seen them play many times before, but I never got bored of it. It was Tina's first and she had been fascinated. On Monday evening we were hanging at home, in our comfy chair, still talking about it.

"I wish I had such super strength and super speed, what a blast life would be."

"Yeah. But vampirism comes with disadvantages as well, like wanting to eat your human friends."

She laughed but then said "you think they want to eat us then?"

"Not me. I grew up with them. You for sure." She punched me on the arm and laughed, but looked up at my face to check if by any chance I was serious.

"Emmett should eat me."

"That's so predictable Tina. Not like you." I looked at her pretending to dissaprove.

"Okay, Jasper should eat me. I bet he's hot when he hunts."

"Oh boy, you have no idea." We both laughed out loud.

"I don't think I would mind the disadvantages. There are more disadvantages to being human. I wish I was one of them." Should I tell her now?

"What would you do if you actually had the choice?"

"Go for it. For sure. I mean, if you add up the pros and the cons, vampire life definitely suits me best."

"So you have been thinking about this then?"

"Sometimes."

"I have the choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this is another part of my secret."

"More secrets?" She pulled her feet up in the couch, eager to learn more, while she tried to look cross with me for concealing more things while we were being so open.

I told her about how me being born a half-breed meant that I would change into a vampire at eighteen. How it had started and I wanted to stop it. The trip to Brazil to neutralize the venom and the promise of my family to change me when I was ready for it.

"Shit Ness, what are you waiting for?"

"I have human friends I don't want to leave behind. Or eat."

"Me and Jake."

"Oh right, there's another secret as well. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all at once, this one is just as weird as the first one."

Then I told her about the werewolf pack and the imprint.

"So you are meant for each other, how sweet is that, knowing that in the end…"

"Wow, wait. Not anymore. It was broken. I told you I had hurt him and that he left, that's when we lost the imprint."

"But you still love him?" She was confused now. Not about the vampires, the changing and the werewolves, but about my feelings. This is one strange girl.

"Yes. But not because of the imprint. Just because of him."

"He is really sweet, especially with you. He loves you too, everyone can tell that."

"I know. Just not in every way."

"So he knows about the vampires, he has practically lived with them for years, you won't lose him if you change, and you won't lose me either because I know now as well. Is that why you told me? Because you didn't want to lose me if you changed?"

"Yes, that's one of the reasons. The first reason was that I hated to lie all the time. Especially with you. Second, as you guessed, because I don't want to lose you when I change. There was a third reason as well, but I am not the one to decide about that. I had this dream to change you as well."

"Great, let's do it!"

"My family does not agree. It's against their morals to end a human life, for me it's different, I was born to become a vampire. They believe vampires are monsters, who don't have souls."

"No kidding?"

"I was allowed to tell you and then in a few years they would decide. Probably hoping that you would want to stay human, but I knew you would want this life instead."

"Hell yeah I do!"

"Tell me Tina, this wish to become one of them, does it have anything to do with certain vampires you fancy?"

"No, that would actually be one of the disadvantages. They love each other, right?"

"Right."

"You tell me something. Speaking of this fancying. On Friday. You were jealous."

I didn't know what to say to that. I looked down at my hands. She didn't accuse me, she just stated it, in a kind way.

"We have to be honest, Ness. It's okay to feel whatever you feel, but I want to know. I don't really understand."

"I know Tina. Yes, I was jealous, but I don't know why. I'm still…"

"Straight."

"Yes."

"Of course you are, sweetie. Things like that don't change."

"I don't know."

"You don't know? You're waiting for it to change?"

"Wouldn't that be great?"

"The two of us together, that would be great yes, but who are you trying to fool?"

"I want to believe it."

"For me?"

"For both of us. I even believe the world would be a better place if we stayed a team."

She smiled "we stay a team no matter what."

"I know, but I wish we would be enough for each other."

"You think I can? Or you?"

"Maybe."

We stared into each other's eyes.

"Maybe I don't really … desire it, because I have never… With a girl… You know?"

She understood.

"You want to try something then? See how you feel?"

Experimenting with Tina. I should be scared, but I was excited. I nodded.

"Say stop if you want me to stop." She added and sat closer next to me. I nodded again. She was going to kiss me. I had kissed her before, but I had a feeling she was going to take it further now. To see if this could be something for me. The both of us together.

I wanted it to work. Love the one that loves you, right? And I loved her. But did I want her? All these thoughts coursed through my head, as she leaned closer to me. Her hand on my cheek, her lips followed my jaw and slowly made their way to my lips.

If I didn't want it, this was the moment to say stop. About everything else I had no idea, I was going to find out, but kissing I did want. I turned my head so my lips were on hers. We kissed each other deeply, lovingly. It felt good. I was relieved that it could feel like this, kissing a girl. When she moved her attention to my neck, I whispered "Tina, I don't want to hurt your feelings, it's dangerous, this experiment…"

"Sweetie, if I can help you find out what you want, and get to do this in the process…" she didn't finish her sentence but kissed my mouth again. She took my hand and slowly lifted it over her breast. I panicked a little bit.

"I don't know what to do."

"Don't worry, Nessie, you don't have to do anything. I'm yours, do whatever you want."

Right. If only I knew what I want. "You lead," I told her.

"Alright, but tell me to stop okay."

"Okay."

One of her hands lowered from my neck to my breasts. She was panting slightly. She was more turned on than I was, I was just discovering what it is like to hold a girl like this. Her hands were all over me now, and it didn't feel wrong, but it didn't make me want to touch her either. Not like Jasper's touch had.

She pressed herself against me, her warm and soft body, and whispered "I want you…"

We kissed again, but now it did feel wrong.

She stopped and leaned back to look me in the eyes.

"You don't want me, do you?"

I just sighed and she groaned and fell back against the couch, her eyes closed, breathing heavily.

I rested beside her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I appreciate you tried, not being stuck to your straight label."

"I wish things were different." We turned on our sides to look at each other.

"Is this going to change things between us?"

"Of course not, sweetie. I just wish Emmett had seen it."

I laughed, so happy at how easy things always are with Tina.

"I bet you can get a repeat with Rose, that would drive Emm even more crazy."

"Yeah, I wish."

AN: So are you sad or relieved it didn't work the way Nessie wanted it?