A/N: I'm back with the next chapter! I don't have much to say except there is a very detailed Rated R scene at the middle of this chapter so if that makes you uncomfortable, skip over it! Without further ado, here is chapter 37.
Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling but I'm looking forward to seeing the midnight showing of the sixth movie come Tuesday night!
Kisses on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 37: Of Ice Cream, Love, & Sex
Riley sauntered into her bedroom with a sullen look. She threw her schoolbag haphazardly towards her desk and plopped on to the end of Kay's bed headfirst into the comforter with an agonizing groan.
"Um, this might be a shot in the dark here, but is something bothering you, Riley?" Kay asked with a lighthearted chuckle, gently prodding Riley's side with her foot.
Riley swatted at her foot, but didn't look up. "My life sucks," she said in a muffled voice.
"What? Just an hour ago you were fine, Miss Drama Queen!" Lily laughed.
Riley remained silent as Lily and Kay exchanged confused looks, noticing the anxiety in their friend's eyes. Riley finally lifted her head out of the bedspread and looked at her two friends. "Rhett and I broke up."
Kay's jaw dropped and Lily gasped. "What?" Kay asked a hushed voice, retracting her foot slowly.
Riley nodded and sighed.
"But you two seemed fine in the library," Lily said, shaking her head in disbelief. "What happened?"
Riley drew herself up to sit against the stone wall with a sigh. "I don't know. It's complicated." She wasn't willing to tell her friends that Rhett broke up with her because he was convinced she still had feelings for Sirius; she still wanted them to believe she had moved on, mostly for her own sake.
"Oh, Riley. I'm sorry that Rhett broke up with you," Lily said sullenly, tracing soothing circles on Riley's arm.
Riley jerked back. "What makes you think he broke up with me?"
Lily tensed, realizing her mistake. She pulled her hand back and looked at Kay for help, who was avoiding eye contact with the both of them completely. "Uh…"
"Because they always break up with me?" Riley asked softly, a hurt look flashing across her face. "Because I can never seem to keep a guy around?"
"Riley, that's not true," Lily quickly quipped, scooting over to her and squeezing Riley's arm. Sometimes Riley's self-pity act was a bit much for Lily to handle, but it was clear that Riley was feeling really down on herself. "Don't bring yourself down because of one break-up. They happen and they suck, but life goes on."
"I just don't even know why I do it anymore," she murmured.
"Do what?" Kay asked.
"The whole dating thing. It never goes my way," she complained, rubbing her temples as the tears starting welling up. "I either get hurt or am just being used. What's the point anymore?"
"You can't beat yourself up. In fact, self-pity is extremely unbecoming and so not like you," Kay urged, giving her a sincere look. "What you gotta do is eat a lot of ice cream and hold a bashing-men session. Believe me, they're more fun than crying about it and it's definitely a step towards mending a broken heart."
"This broken heart can't be mended," she retorted tragically. "For it is not just broken. It has been stomped on, wrenched, torn to shreds, pierced by the icy feel of his stupid heart, and-"
"I think we get the point," Kay interrupted with a curt laugh. "And I repeat, self-pity? Totally not worth it."
"I'm not pitying myself," Riley muttered. "I'm just...wallowing."
"Wallowing goes better with ice cream."
The ends of Riley's mouth turned up. Kay was right. What's the point of sitting there and dreaming of what could have been when she could be stuffing her face with a large bowl of brain freeze? "Do you got any ice cream?"
"Nah, but I can bring some back after I meet Alice," Kay said with a laugh.
"Everything is so much more complicated than it used to be," Riley whined, placing her head in Lily's lap with a heavy sigh. She thought back to when she was eleven and her biggest worry was tripping down the stairs and embarrassing herself in front of her schoolmates. "Why does being a teenager have to be so hard?"
Lily stroked Riley's hair like she remembered her mother doing to her when she was upset as a kid. "Not all the moments are hard, Riley. But unfortunately, life can't always be perfect."
Riley nodded and bit down on her lip. "It doesn't have to be perfect," she murmured. "It just has to be better than this." She didn't know if she was wallowing in self-pity because of Rhett or Sirius. She had a feeling it was directed more towards the latter. "I hate being a teenager. It comes with way too much complicated drama."
"Yeah, maybe," Kay interjected with a shrug, "But sometimes it all becomes worth it."
Riley let out a strangled grunt. "Maybe for you guys, but-"
"Oh, yeah, it's totally worth it when the guy you are head-over-heels for pushes you out of his life," Lily snorted. "Relationships aren't easy for anyone, Riley."
"I'm beginning to realize that," she muttered. "Damn, sometimes I wish I could just turn back the hands of time and go back to being a kid. Things were easy then, right? I'm not just idealizing my childhood?"
Lily frowned. "It's easy idealizing your childhood during the tough times."
When Kay and Riley glanced up at the sound of her wary voice, they both had a feeling she was thinking about her parents.
"I just wish there weren't as many of those tough times you speak of," Riley muttered and Lily nodded in agreement.
Kay smiled sadly. "So, why did you two break up, Riley?" she asked gently.
Riley's heart skipped a beat. She darted her eyes away from Kay's with a frown. "It, uh...it just wasn't working out." She didn't want to admit that Sirius had driven a wedge through them.
Kay and Lily exchanged a look undetected by Riley. "Riley," Lily said softly, glancing over Riley's hair and looking her in the eye. "Was it about Sirius?"
"No," she said immediately.
Lily gave her a look.
Riley glanced up at her friend and slowly, she nodded. "Yeah, okay, he might have had something to do with it," she whispered. "It's as if nowadays my life revolves around him, no matter how much I try to...to forget about how we used to be." She suddenly realized how whiny she sounded.
"Well," Lily said hesitantly, glancing curiously over Riley's head to meet the gaze of Kay. "We have some news that might make you really want to forget about how the two of you used to be."
"We do?" Kay asked, confused.
Riley shifted her position on the bed so she could look at up Lily. "What news?"
Lily cleared her throat wondering if she should be the person to tell Riley. "It's about Sirius."
Riley rolled her eyes. "I'm not sure I want to hear it."
"And Rachael."
She blinked. "I haven't been living under a rock, Lily. I know they broke up."
"It's about why they broke up."
"I don't really care why. It's none of my business and I personally-"
"Actually, it kinda is," Kay chimed in when she realized where Lily was going with this.
Riley frowned, wondering if this was the type of news she even wanted to hear. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lily let out a sigh. "From what we understand, the reason Rachael and Sirius were hanging out so much together was because she claimed her parents had been killed, right?"
"Yeah. So?"
"It was a lie," Lily murmured. "They didn't die recently. They died when she was only a baby."
Riley's face slowly began to drain of color. "What?" she blurted out in a raspy whisper.
"It was all an act," Kay sighed. "She just wanted to get to Sirius."
Riley felt a shiver run down her spine at the heavy implication of those words. "And he...he found out about this." It wasn't a question.
Both Lily and Kay nodded.
"I had been right the whole time," she whispered, betrayal seeping into her heart. "I had warned him about her. Told him she was manipulating him. Told him she was using him. And he continued on as if my words didn't matter. As if my opinion meant nothing to him."
"Riley-"
"Of all the broken hearts I've had to deal with in my life, this might be the worst," she admitted in a small voice, a small knot forming in her stomach.
"Because he meant the most to you," Lily said softly.
Riley quickly blinked away the tears that were beginning to form. "I trusted him," she whispered. "Against my better judgment, I trusted him with my heart. I just wish he had done the same with me."
"He cared about you, Riley," Kay urged. "Don't ever think differently."
"He apparently didn't care enough."
Neither Lily nor Kay knew what to even say to that so Kay just let out a deep sigh and jumped off Kay's bed, holding out her hand to Riley. "Come on."
Riley's eyebrow raised. "Where?"
"We are in serious need of some chocolate ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream."
Riley glanced at Kay skeptically. "I'm not really hungry."
Kay scoffed. "A large bowlful of ice cream isn't about fulfilling hunger. It's comfort food. Believe me when I say chocolate fixes everything."
Riley shrugged and took Kay's hand. If she wasn't going to eat ice cream, she was going to focus on whatever she had with Rhett and whatever she had with Sirius. And she really didn't want to do that. "I could use a little bit of comfort food right about now."
"Aren't you meeting Alice, Kay?" Lily said, climbing off the bed as well. She grabbed a sweater hanging off the post of her bed and threw it on.
Kay glanced down at her watch. "I still have a little time."
James was supposed to be hanging out with the guys. After the paper-airplane debacle got them kicked out of the library, they considered going into Hogsmeade, but James hadn't been in the mood. So they ended up just wandering the halls sharing in a half-empty bottle of rum until it ran out and James used that his excuse to separate from them. Even a night with the guys couldn't get James' mind off of all of the developments in his life lately.
First Brite died and now he and Lily were at a standstill. He didn't know what was happening between him and Lily. It was the only thing lately that he had been able to control, and for some reason, he was willing to cast her aside. He had no idea why he was allowing it, but he just felt that every time she was around, overwhelming anxiety filled his heart. He was so afraid of being around her and he couldn't figure out why.
Okay, he knew why. It was because she's been in his shoes before and he didn't want to associate himself with anyone else who could have ever felt as much pain as he was in lately.
James thought there was a possibility that when he returned from the funeral he and Lily may pick it up where they left off. Except that it wouldn't be the same and they both would be able to recognize the tension. James had a feeling that if he went home for the funeral and returned, he'd have to accept the break-up. He wouldn't be able to let Lily back into his life after the way they left things. He couldn't be with her knowing that she wasn't there for him. What happens the next time a tragedy happens? Would she bail on him again? James had a pretty good feeling that her fear for him had more to do with the death she had to deal with in her own life, but it still hurt him that they couldn't work things out.
Dammit, was he really thinking such hateful things towards her? Of course she was there for him. He just wasn't allowing her to be. But maybe it was her turn to fight harder. He had done that for six years. For once, it would have been nice to step aside and let her do the chasing. As he crawled into bed without bothering to change, he could hear that little voice in the back of his head telling him that he was truly the biggest idiot in the world if he was just going to let Lily slip away.
Was it easier on his heart acting as if she was bailing on him so that when this all blew up in both their faces he could pretend it didn't hurt as much? Was it easier blaming her than admitting fault in himself? How could he watch her grow so hurt at the distance he put between them and not want to do anything about it? Why was he so determined to shut her out of his life?
He knew why. His heart knew all of the answers to those questions. It was just his head that was ignoring the truth. The truth that filled him up with so much fear that it was easier pretending he didn't care about anything at all. All caring ever got him was one disappearing brother and another one dead. And if that's all caring got him, then what would falling in love get him?
Because if he was truly being honest with himself, he had fallen madly in love with Lily Evans.
Problem was, he had no idea how to be in love.
Lily and Riley headed out of the kitchens late that night, both with a large bowlful of ice cream in their hands which just happened to be their second helping. Riley took a big scoop and stuck it in her mouth with a content smile. "I do enjoy my chocolate."
Lily laughed. "You have it all over your mouth," she said.
Riley went to clean it up but stopped midway and shrugged. "Who cares? I ain't looking to impress nobody!"
Lily cringed. "If this was any other moment in our relationship then I would point out all of the incorrect grammar in that sentence, but when eating ice cream, all the rules are out the window."
Riley fake gasped. "Miss Evans, I never thought I'd see the day where you didn't use your grammatical knowledge against others!"
Lily grinned, chocolate stained on her teeth which made Riley burst into laughter. "Don't make me throw a spoonful of ice cream in your face," Lily sniggered, gesturing towards the ice cream on the spoon in her hand with a suggestive look. "Mainly because I don't want to waste this ice cream."
Riley stuck her tongue out at Lily with another laugh. It felt good to laugh considering just an hour earlier, she was feeling so depressed over her past relationships. "Y'know, I think Kay was on to something when she said chocolate fixes everything."
Lily gave Riley a lopsided grin, staring into her bowl longingly. "Not everything," she muttered.
One look at Lily's sullen face told Riley all she needed to know. "Thinking about James?"
"It's hard not to."
Riley outstretched her hand and stopped Lily in the hallway. "Lily, can I say something without you throwing that entire bowl of ice cream all over me?"
She raised an eyebrow. "You sure you're ready to risk that? I still have a lot of ice cream in this bowl."
She gave Lily a look.
Lily smiled. "Go ahead."
Riley let out a frustrated sigh. "Do you want to break up with James? Because I don't see you trying to do anything to fix it."
Lily gave her a look. "What can I fix, Riley? I've tried pushing my way into his heart but it's completely closed off. Right now, there's no room in there for me."
"You're letting him push you away, Lily," Riley responded, taking another spoonful of ice cream and casually looking away from her friend. "You let him get to you. You let yourself argue with him. You let him wear you down to the point where you feel helpless. You have to fight for him, Lily. He needs you to fight for him because he's not able to fight for himself right now. Don't let him push you away."
Lily rubbed her temples and leaned against the stone wall with a heavy sigh. "It's not that easy."
"I think you're making it harder than it is," Riley argued, muttering a curse under her breath to make her now empty bowl disappear.
"And I think that you don't understand."
"You're right, I don't understand. I don't understand why you can't just…just show James that you're there for him. Telling him isn't doing the trick, so show him," Riley sighed. "You're his girlfriend. You are always supposed to be by his side even during the hard times."
"You want to look in the mirror when you say blanket statements like that?"
Riley blinked. "Excuse me?"
"One stupid mistake and you go running from Sirius, Riley. You might pretend you have such a tough exterior, but you're not tough at all. You can't handle even the slightest painful situation."
She scowled. "We're not talking about me here, Lily."
"Well, we're not talking about me, either!"
"Why are you getting so defensive? You know it's the truth. You know you're just waiting around for James to end it. Then he becomes the bad guy and you get away scot-free. Well, I hate to break it to you but just waiting around for him to take care of the deed isn't going to make you feel less guilty."
"I don't feel guilty," she snapped. "I just feel angry."
"No, you're sad. You're disheartened. You're hurt and confused. It's not anger you feel. It's grief."
"Grief? Why should I feel grief when I didn't even know Brite."
"You feel grief because your boyfriend is clearly grieving. Even if he won't do it in your presence, I know you see the pain in his eyes. And it's killing you."
Lily could feel the tears well up in her eyes. "No, what kills me is that he's hurting and he's grieving and he's in pain, yet all he wants is to go on pretending as if he's not hurting or grieving or in pain. All he wants is to put a smile on his face and pretend everything is alright. All he wants is to mess around with his friends and play silly pranks and joke around with them as if his heart isn't suffering. All he wants is to ignore me and avoid me and pretend I don't exist! All he wants is a fake world and a fake reality where everything is fine and dandy and he think he can get that by everyone else except me. Don't you get that, Riley?All he wants is everything except me!" Lily cried out, unexpectedly throwing her bowl of ice cream against the opposite wall with an angry sob.
Riley jumped at the loud crashing sound, surprised by the sudden outburst.
"He doesn't want me, Riley," she whispered hoarsely as she fell to the ground, the tears streaming down her face. "He...he doesn't want me," she choked out in a hurt whisper.
Riley sighed and took a seat beside Lily, running her hand comfortingly up and down Lily's forearm, too stunned to reply.
"And what's worse is that I totally get it," she continued in a raspy whisper. "He's always gone to the guys and to you. You've all always been there for him. He's had to deal with a lot in his life and the four of you have always been by his side. Why should he want to deal with any of this in front of me when for six years all I did was yell and scream at him? When all I did was tell him that I hated him? I don't deserve to see the softer, more vulnerable side of James Potter, Riley. So how the hell can I possibly fight for him when for six years I did everything in my power to fight against him?"
Unexpectedly, a smile passed across Riley's face. "Because it's what he did for you, Lily."
She wiped her eyes. "What?"
"He fought excessively for you for six years. He asked you out and watched you out of the corner of his eye. He protected you as best he could and talked to you at every given chance even though he knew it wasn't what you necessarily wanted at the time. He never gave up on you. Not once. And now you're his. Maybe he's just asking you to do the same for him."
Lily slumped down against the wall with a fateful sigh, wondering how it was possible Riley could make it sound so easy. "I-I don't know how to do that when he pushes me out the door every time I try to talk to him," she whispered, her face screwed up in tortured agony. "How can I fight for a guy who doesn't want me? How can…how can I be with a guy who doesn't want anything to do with me? I feel like I have to give up on him, Riley. I…I have to let him go," Lily whispered in a strangled cry. "I have to let him go before…before he lets me go."
Riley realized how scared Lily looked. She clearly was afraid that James no longer wanted to be with her. "You really think he's going to do that to you, Lily?"
"He already has done that," she whispered.
Riley frowned, taking a different approach. "Lily, you have to know that it's not that he doesn't want you. He's just been so confused lately and it hasn't all been about Brite. In fact, I'd go as far as to say this past week has had more to do with you than Brite."
Lily blinked the tears away. "What?"
"He knows that you've been in this situation before," she said softly. "So there's a slight chance that he agrees with everything you've been trying to tell him but he would rather not admit he's feeling heartbroken around you in fear of breaking down. And he doesn't want to break down. I think that's his biggest fear."
Lily bit down on her lip angrily. "It's not like I've tried to talk to James about Brite to hurt him. I'm just…I'm just scared for him. That's all." Lily stared straight ahead with an unreadable expression, her cheeks glistening from her stained tears.
"I know. But right now, he needs you to find a way to fight for him as he's barely able to hang on himself," Riley continued, giving her a concerned look. She patted Lily's arm with a sympathetic smile. "Chase after him, Lily."
Lily sighed, swiping her hand across her cheek, trying to compose herself. "Accio bowl," she muttered. The bowl now of soupy ice cream returned to her hands. "Scourgify." The wall opposite her no longer had chocolate stains on it.
Riley didn't know what else to say, so the two of them just sat there in silence for the next few minutes.
Lily sighed and eventually stood up. "C'mon. Let's head back to the common room."
Riley tried not to show her confusion as Lily helped her get up. She wasn't sure if that conversation was over and she wasn't sure what Lily was going to do, but she let Lily take the lead. Lily linked arms with Riley and they started the walk back to the Gryffindor common room.
Lily broke the awkward silence a few minutes later. "Y'know, Riley, you might want to take your own advice."
She snorted. "What are you talking about? I am there for James. I forgave him, didn't I?"
She shook her head. "I'm not talking about James."
Riley cocked her head to the side. "Then what advice should I be taking?"
Lily sighed and looked away from her friend uncomfortably. "When Rhett broke up with you, you-"
"Rhett and I are over," Riley quickly interrupted, cringing. "But thanks for reminding me."
"I'm not talking about Rhett."
Rhett scowled and glared at Lily. "Then do you mind spitting out who you are talking about?"
Lily bit down on her bottom lip and stared at the ground, shifting her weight as she tried to word her thoughts correctly in her mind first.
"Lily?"
She sighed. "Please don't hate me for mentioning his name, but-"
Riley stomped her foot against the ground hard, grunting loudly. "Oh, for the love of God! If the next name out of your goddamned mouth is Sirius Black, I swear I will bury you alive."
"You brought him up," she quickly defended, stopping herself in the middle of the hallway to shoot Riley a knowing look.
Riley whimpered and slammed her fist against the wall. "What is everyone's fascination with me and Black? We've been over for almost a month now!"
Lily nodded awkwardly and didn't reply. She wasn't about to argue with an already enraged Riley Gilmore. Previous fights with Riley told Lily it was better to keep things hushed than bring them out in the open. Riley was very good at hiding her feelings and sometimes it was easier for Lily to let Riley keep those feelings hidden.
"And what advice exactly that I gave you should I be taking?" Riley barked. "Because I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to not be there for the guy who chose to hang out with another girl on his birthday who wasn't me! And oh yeah, it was all a bloody lie!"
"I'm not talking about being there for him," Lily quickly corrected, shaking her head. "I would not be asking that of you and you know it."
"Then what are you talking about?"
Lily stared at the ground longingly, a look of uncertainty hidden behind her void eyes. "Riley," she started softly, "Don't let Sirius go."
Riley scoffed. "Why not? After what you told me earlier, I have no reason not to."
Lily shook her head. "I-I don't think that's what you want."
Riley sent Lily a sideways glare. "I think I know what I want, Lily."
She furrowed her brow. "Really? Then why did you ask to be his friend?"
Riley opened her mouth to respond but found herself not able to come up with an excuse. "Because," she dithered, chewing on the inside of her lip.
Lily stifled a smile. "You've been friends for a couple weeks ago now. You still think that being friends is a good idea?"
"It's not like we're best friends," she muttered vaguely. Knowing that Sirius and Rachael broke up and why, she wasn't so sure that being his friend was the wisest decision.
"Riley," Lily sighed.
"Okay, yes, I think it's a mistake that I tried to be friends with him now that I don't have Rhett as my boyfriend to distract me from the past. With Rhett, Sirius was just some ex-boyfriend. Without Rhett, Sirius…well, Sirius is my ex-boyfriend who hurt and betrayed me and who I can't manage to forgive. Especially knowing I had been right all along."
"I figured as much," Lily murmured. "I-I know you both want to move on. I know you want, and need, to get over him. But I don't think the answer is letting the ex-boyfriend part of him disappear from your life entirely. It's like you told me: walking away from the problem is not dealing with it. And that goes for both of you."
"I am dealing with it," Riley scoffed.
"When did you ever deal with the fall-out from your break-up? You've been in another relationship, for Merlin's sake!"
"Maybe that's how I deal with it!"
"You and James might as well be siblings," Lily sighed, rolling her eyes. "Because you both are a pro at avoiding difficult situations. You just said that Rhett was your distraction away from all of the Sirius drama, did you not?"
When it was clear that Riley didn't have a response to that, Lily continued, shaking her head in disbelief. "You and Sirius both frustrate me so much," Lily muttered under her breath. "It's so obvious how much you guys still care for each other. You guys are putting yourself through this act of being friends or whatever, but it's clear that you both just want to be together." Riley opened her mouth to fight back, But Lily hurried on. "And I'm not saying you guys should be together after all you've been through, but…just don't walk away from it all, Riley, because you think it's what you want. You might find out too late that that was never what you wanted from him. And until you figure it out, I don't think you're ready to lose him."
Riley clicked her tongue irritably. "None of that matters, Lily," she replied, a gigantic sigh escaping from her lips. She blinked back the tears.
Lily sighed. "Riley," she said cautiously.
"No," Riley protested, waving her finger in front of Lily accusingly. "Don't give me that sympathetic tone with me, Lily. I am so sick and tired of everyone trying to inform me of their opinions about my relationship with Sirius when none of you were ever there to witness what we had. I know what I'm going through, and I'm the only one who knows!"
Riley wasn't sure why she was yelling, but it might have had something to do with the fact that she wasn't entirely convinced of her own words. "You don't know anything about it, Lily, so why can't you just stay out of it? Why can't everyone just stay out of my personal life? This has absolutely nothing to do with you and I'd appreciate it if you and everyone else stopped trying to rehash the past!"
Lily stepped back fearfully. The defensive rage in Riley's eyes was something she had never witnessed before. She knew that Riley was yelling because Lily was making some good points, but she also knew she didn't want to continue arguing. "Okay, I'm sorry I brought it up," she muttered. "I just…I just figured we were in similar situations and I wanted to help."
Riley scoffed haughtily, her eyes growing with anger and her nostrils flaring. "'Similar situations?'" she repeated in a bitter tone. "What similar situations? My boyfriend and I broke up because he would rather spend time with a lying, manipulative prig than his girlfriend, and he ended up kissing her when he shouldn't have been there in the first place. You and James are on the verge of breaking up because you're a selfish girlfriend who fucking abandoned him when his bloody brother just died, a time he so obviously needed you the most even if he isn't showing that to you firsthand! Don't you dare tell me we're in similar situations, Lily, because Sirius and I broke-up for a legitimate reason, which is more than I can say for your self-centered hiatus with a boyfriend you must not care much about since you aren't even attempting to fight for him!"
The surprise and hurt look on Lily's face told Riley that she had stepped over the line, but Riley was also not one for apologies. She continued glaring at Lily and before she knew it, she was covered in head to toe with Lily's soupy ice cream. Lily threw the bowl at Riley and stormed off.
Riley winced, rubbing her arm where the bowl hit her. "I might have deserved that."
Lily rushed into the Gryffindor common room frantically, fixating her eyes on Remus glancing over his essay one last time before heading to bed. She breathed a sigh of relief that he was alone. "I need your advice."
Remus looked up at her. A frantic, scared look gleamed in her expression as he attempted to ease her tension. "And hello to you too. This is a lovely evening we're having, isn't it?"
Lily gave him a look. "I don't care about the weather. You're the most logical person I know and I seriously need some perspective."
"I'm no more logical than you are, Lily," Remus pointed out, shoving his paper into the middle of his textbook and leaning back against the couch.
Lily made a face, sitting down on the couch beside him. "Well, when it comes to James, sometimes logic is far from my mind."
"Ah, I had a feeling this might be about him." He could see the pain in her eyes. The confusion and the hurt in her crooked smile. Over the past few days, her strained smile didn't even come close to reaching her eyes. While everyone was more than willing to point out that James was clearly hurting and ignoring it, it was evident to Remus that Lily was doing the same.
"I need you to tell me I'm being selfish and stupid and to go back to James before we get torn apart any further," Lily blurted out.
Remus smiled apologetically to her. "I don't think you believe that."
Lily whimpered. "No, I believe that I have my own feelings about the situation that are hard to explain, but no one seems to be willing to understand my side."
"From what I understand, Lily, is that you're blaming him for pushing you away, when in hindsight, I think you're just as much a culprit as you are a victim."
Lily's scowled. "What? That's crazy! If I wanted crazy advice, I'd be talking to Sirius right now."
He merely shrugged. "Listen, I know you're scared that if James keeps his emotions bottled up, he'll suddenly explode one day into this pessimistic, self-pitying maniac. And I know that you're scared that soon James will wake up and realize that you're not what he wants or needs after all, but that's only half of it."
"No, that's all of it," Lily scoffed defensively.
"Lily," Remus said softly.
"What?" she asked irritably.
"Don't you think this might have something to do with the fact that you see a little bit of yourself in James?"
"No, not at all," she said quickly.
He rolled his eyes. "You went through a difficult time when your parents died, and now you have to watch someone else go through it."
"So?"
"You don't want to see him suffering as much as you suffered. You don't want to see him completely crushed just like you were. Looking at him just brings back all of those painful memories. You're afraid that if you're around him when he completely breaks down, you won't know how to handle it. Just like no one knew how to handle it when you completely broke down. Which is why you want him to discuss it now. Because you don't want him to wake up one day and feel the weight of the world on his shoulders exactly like you did. You…you completely shut out everyone and everything you had in your life at that point. So…so you're letting him push you away now because you're afraid he's going to start resenting you that day he wakes up and fully grasps hold of what's happened."
Lily gazed at Remus hesitantly, a look of awe coming over her face. She sunk into the couch with a defeated sigh, a part of her hating him for admitting the fears she had been so determined to ignore. "You really are the logical one out of all of us," she whispered.
"I'm just good at reading people," Remus said with an assuring smile.
"But…how exactly am I supposed to get over those feelings?"
Remus shrugged. "That I can't really help you with seeing as I have never had to deal with a death before. I think you just have to figure out what's most important to you. Holding on to the past. Or…" he trailed off.
"Or James," she murmured.
Seemed like an easy choice when it was put that way.
Riley rushed into James' room on a mission. Riley knew she made a mistake with insulting Lily earlier and she was determined to fix it. She didn't bother knocking and yelled, "James, you are being a complete and total moron!"
He sat upright, shrieking. "Jesus, Riley! Way to scare the crap out of a guy!"
"All Lily has been trying to do is be there for you and you've blown her off in every way possible!"
"No, I haven't," he lied.
Riley slid on to the edge of his bed with a sigh. "Is lying to yourself really the answers to your problems?"
"I'm beginning to think it might be."
Riley frowned, turning around to face him. The bags under his eyes were unmistakable. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days. Weeks even. His eyes were void of feeling, the frown on his face becoming far too permanent for Riley's taste. "James," she said softly. "I know you're scared. I know that you're upset. I know that you're still wrapping your mind around all of this. But you are allowed to be scared and upset and in the midst of thinking everything over with her."
"I don't need her during this, though."
"But do you want her?"
His heart skipped a beat. "I don't want her during all of this, either," James muttered. Why would he want her around to see how messed up he was?
Riley shook her head. "I didn't ask if you if you wanted her here during the fallout of your brother's death. I simply asked you if you want her."
The frown on James' face deepened around the edges. "What are you saying, Riley?"
"It's like you both are just waiting for the other one to break up with you. As if that would mean you wouldn't be to blame for the fallout. But did you ever think that you two haven't broken up yet not because you're waiting to break up but because you're waiting for the other to fight for you?"
"I've given up trying to figure out what's going through my head," he muttered.
"And what about your heart?"
"What?"
"Who cares that your head is saying, James," Riley sighed. "Right now, it's probably swimming with a million thoughts and fears and insecurities. That's what our heads are supposed to do. But can't you just stop listening to your head for one second and listen to your damned heart?"
The guilt weighed heavily in the pit of James' stomach. He knew Riley was right. He knew that he had always let his heart lead his relationship with Lily until his brother died. And then suddenly it was as if he had just shut off the ability to care. For a while, it made sense to him. For a while, it was easier listening to his head. But now he wasn't so sure. "You want to know what my heart is saying?" he whispered, the words so soft and vulnerable.
Riley tried meeting his gaze but he was too busy fingering the thread count on his sheets to look up at her. She could see the wheels turning in his head and she had a feeling his heart was racing a mile a minute.
"I'm in love with Lily."
Riley shouldn't have been so shocked to hear those words considering he had been pining after her for six years, but they still caused her heart to skip a beat. For some reason, a reason she would never admit aloud, it was Sirius that flashed through her mind at that time. "Well," she said, clearing her throat. "you're not doing the best job of showing her that."
"I know," he murmured.
Riley blinked. "If you know that then why aren't you doing anything about it?"
That same overwhelming anxiety he was feeling earlier filled his entire body with panic. He opened his mouth to attempt to explain. He wanted to tell Riley all his heart was feeling. He wanted to be able to talk to someone. But once again a barrier went up and he instead found himself saying, "I don't want to talk about this, Riles."
"Yeah, you do," she sighed with a curt shrug. "You're just not sure how."
He didn't respond, recognizing that she was right.
"You don't have to talk to me, James. I get it. Believe me, I know. Every time either you or myself has had to deal with some sort of heartbreak, we would show up at the other one's side without feeling the need to discuss it. Just because we're older and supposed to be wiser doesn't mean that's changed."
He sighed. "There's a but coming, isn't there."
She smiled sadly. "But talk to Lily," she said softly. "Because I think we both know that it's not me you want by your side anymore."
"Riley, that's not tr-"
"It is true," she argued with a shrug. "Not to say we're not always going to be there for each other because we will. But the reason you've been shutting everyone out of your life, including me, is because you're scared to let the person you love unequivocally see you at your weakest point. With me, it was easy. We've been doing it for years. With Lily, none of it is easy. Especially when there's love involved."
James could feel the tears prickling his eyes and he frantically blinked them away. He hated that Riley was right. He hated that he was so damned scared to let Lily in. He hated that Brite was dead and he hated that he couldn't even let his girlfriend comfort him. He hated that he had been avoiding this moment since Brite died - the moment when it was all coming to a head. "Is it heartless of me to say I wish I didn't love her?" he whispered.
"Not at all," Riley said softly, drawing her eyes away from his. "When you love someone, you're at your most vulnerable. And when you're at your most vulnerable, you get hurt that much more. And no one wants to get hurt. You're just trying to protect your heart, James. It's what we all want to do in the end."
It seemed so wildly impossibly protecting his heart. Lily already had such a big piece of it. "Is that why you broke up with Sirius?"
The random segue threw Riley for a loop as she turned to stare at her best friend incredulously. "Don't turn this conversation into something about me to continue avoiding your feelings and fears."
A sad smile appeared on James' face. "Kinda like how you're focusing on my relationship as a way to avoid your feelings and fears?"
She scowled. "What did I just say?"
He shrugged, leaning back against his pillow with a heavy sigh. He let it go. Any other time, he may have interrogated her further but he was too exhausted and worn out from his own problems to delve into hers.
"Can I ask you something?" Riley asked softly, lying down on the foot of the bed and propping herself up by her elbow.
He could only nod.
"What are you afraid of more?" she said hesitantly, locking eyes with him. "That Lily might not love you back? Or that she actually might?"
James felt his heart tighten within its chest walls at the inevitable question he had been trying to avoid. Slowly, a knot in his stomach formed as a shiver ran down the back of his spine. He didn't have to ask what Riley meant by that. The implication was quite clear. He unfortunately just wasn't sure of the answer. If she didn't love him, it would break his heart. If she did love him, there was a chance that one day his heart could not only be broken but shattered into a million pieces. And right now, right after Brite's death, he wasn't so sure he could deal with any more heartache.
"I don't know," he spoke honestly.
She thought he would say that but didn't let up. "In the beginning of your relationship, didn't you ask Lily to let you in?"
Again, James didn't respond. He had a feeling he knew where Riley was going with this.
Riley patted James on the leg comfortingly. "Now it's your turn," said she softly. "Can you let her in?"
James thought back to the day he asked Lily to be his girlfriend. He begged for her to let him into her past and all of her secrets. On her birthday and Valentine's Day, while it took a a heck of a lot of nudging, she was able to let her guard down and talk to him about her past. While she, just like him, had felt vulnerable and fearful, she didn't let that affect their relationship. And now when it was his turn, he couldn't seem to do the same.
"Tell her you love her," Riley whispered, slowly getting up off the bed. "You know that nothing will be able to change until you do."
He frowned, turning over to his side to keep from looking over at her. Telling Lily he loved her was something he wasn't so sure he could do. "Good night, Riley," he simply murmured.
She didn't bother replying. She just prayed that he would listen to her.
As Lily stared at the wood on James' door, hesitant to knock, she was very much aware that she couldn't hear a damned thing over the loud beating of her heart. It was as if the past couple of days were finally catching up to her and all she felt was fear. Fear for James of losing so much of who he was. Fear for Riley and Sirius who tried to ignore their own feelings of Brite's death while trying to be there for James. And fear for herself in being reminded of such an awful time in her past.
The door blurred in front of her as tears welled up inside her eyes. She didn't stop them when they began to spill out. She couldn't be sure who or what she was crying for but considering she had been trying so damned hard to hold it all in for James' sake, it felt good to finally let go. She cried for the loss of her parents and for anyone who ever had to deal with an unexpected, untimely death. She cried for James who she wished never had to lose his big brother. She cried for him because he was so clearly suffering but was too afraid to admit that to anyone. She cried for the way he had been avoiding her and his feelings. And she cried for herself for letting him.
When she was done crying and wiped the tears from her cheeks, she finally knocked on his door.
She heard his muffled voice tell her to come in.
As her heart began to race, she opened the door. She met his eyes and before he could say anything, she was blurting out everything she'd been holding in for so long. "You can try to avoid me and ignore me all you want, James Potter, but I know that's not what you really want nor is it what you need. You can try to hide your feelings about your brother's death but we all know you're hurting. You can put on a fake smile and go running around this school with your friends to play aimless pranks but I know it's just an act. You can slam the door in my face but I'm just going to open it again. You can conceal your heart and you can push me away, but I'm going to push right back. It doesn't matter how you've been acting or what you've been saying, James, because I know you need me. So I'm going to be here for you even if you claim you don't want me to be. Listen to me and listen carefully: I am not going anywhere. Y'got that? You're stuck with me and you're just going to have to deal with it."
James' heart was torn between soaring and sinking. He wanted to smile and cry all at the same time. A plethora of emotions - fear, confusion, sorrow - were running through his mind while another variety of emotions - guilt, remorse, and ultimately love - ran through his heart and it was filling him with a sense of dread he hadn't been accustomed to previously. He was at a loss of words for maybe the first time in his entire life.
She looked so angry and bitter and hurt, yet she stormed over to his bed and crawled in beside him. "Now, move over and stop hogging all of the covers," she scoffed, resting her head against his shoulders.
He hesitated before wrapping his arm around her. He didn't draw her close but he didn't push her away either.
"I'm staying here tonight and tomorrow night and every single night until the day you realize that I can be just as pushy and stubborn as you. I am going to hold your hand and walk to you to all of your classes until you realize that that is actually what you want. I'm going to stand over your shoulder in the Great Hall and I'm going to force you to come to the library with me until you actually feel fine. I'll even go as far as to sit on the end of your broom during Quidditch matches and that's saying something considering I hate flying! You're going to hate me so much that you're going to appreciate me for it. Do you understand me, James Potter? I'm not leaving your side, not even for a second."
He blinked. "That ought to make going to the bathroom kinda difficult."
She wanted to glare at him but she thought that his ability to joke with her was a good sign. "Yeah, well, you've made my life difficult recently so I'm just returning the favor."
He cringed. "Why do you want to be around me after all the crap I've put you through?" he asked softly. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you. You should walk back out that door and slam it in my face. That's what I deserve."
"Yeah, and it's also what you want me to do so you can continue this self-loathing behavior you've seemed to thrive upon. Problem is, it isn't what you need me to do."
He frowned, his eyes glazing over with sorrow. "And what do I need, Lily?"
"Me," she said immediately. "Just like I need you."
He retracted his arm from her slowly, hesitancy in every flicker of the motion. "You don't need me," he sighed. "You haven't needed anyone a day in your life. You're independent because you forced yourself to be. You knew that you had people you could fall back on if the time came but you were never willing to admit you needed them. You've always put up a tough exterior so that people would see you as resilient even if your heart was breaking on the inside. Whenever you felt even the slightest bit of remorse, you closed yourself off from the world. You shut yourself away in your room and waited for the heartbreaking emotions to pass. You've never wanted to need anyone. So why should now be any different?" he choked out, his voice breaking at the last of his words.
They both knew that in the middle of his speculation he had stopped talking about Lily and started talking about himself.
When Lily turned to him and saw him fighting the glimmer of tears in his eyes, her heart nearly broke. And her next words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Because part of loving someone is needing them."
James froze quickly followed by Lily. Neither spoke, the words awkwardly dangling there in the dead of the air. Their eyes met cautiously, their hearts beating rapidly as one. Panic set into Lily's heart as shock filled James'.
"Did I just say that aloud?" Lily said in a hoarse whisper, shutting her eyes and praying that the world would swallow her whole.
"You...you love me?" His throat was dry and he was finding it impossible to say just those three words.
"I didn't say that," she argued, shaking her head.
"You kinda did."
"Er...no. I, uh...I merely implied it was a possibility."
"Oh."
She blinked. "'Oh?'" she said hesitantly. "That's what you're going to say?"
He hesitated. "I'm processing."
"Process faster because you're making me nervous."
"You really love me?"
"I'm beginning to think no at this point."
He chuckled at her sarcastic bluntness. Another thing that he loved about her.
"And now you're laughing at me," she scowled, glaring at him. "Just what a girl wants when she implies that love is a possibility."
"Is that seriously what you're going to go with? That you possibly love me? What am I supposed to make of that?"
"Nothing," she snapped, throwing the covers off her body and sliding out of bed.
"Hey, what happened to you never leaving my side?" he urged, gaping curiously at her.
"I changed my mind on the account of your prattish ways."
"Hey, wait," he called out after her as she thrust the door open and whisked out of the room, letting it slam behind her.
"Dammit, I thought I was the one who was supposed to be slamming the door in your face!" he groaned, rushing out of bed to go after her. When he caught up to her rushing out of their private quarters (at this time of night?), he gently grabbed her arm. "Hey, stop. Slow down, Lils."
She refused to look him in the eyes as she turned around. "Please let me go," she muttered.
"No."
She sighed. "And why not?"
"Because I tried letting you go these past couple of days and you wouldn't let me. So now I'm not letting you let me let you go."
She blinked.
"That made more sense in my head."
She didn't even crack a smile, whipping her arm out of his grasp and trying to rush out the door.
"Hey, wait," he urged yet again, this time reaching for her hand.
"No," she whispered hoarsely, shaking her head. James could feel her hand trembling in his. "I've already waited, James. For minutes, for hours, for days for you to just talk to me. I already waited for you to come after me. I waited for you to kick your stubborn phase and realize that you needed me. And then when none of that happened, I waited for you to just break up with me. I waited for you to just put us both out of our misery. All I've been doing is waiting, James, and you know what I realized during all of this?"
He opened his mouth to ask but she was cutting him off before he could. "That the only reason I was even willing to do all of that waiting for you was because at some point in the past three months, I think I fell in love with you."
She finally locked eyes with him and he saw such desperate vulnerability staring back at him. "But if this is what love feels like," she whispered in a snarl, "Then maybe we are better off without each other."
She let go of his hand and pushed herself out of the room as James stood there dumbfounded. It took only a few seconds before he realized she was probably halfway down the hallway and if he let her go this time, there was absolutely no way in hell she was going to return to him. And that was just not an option for him anymore.
"Lily, stop!"
"Why should I?" she snapped, her loud footsteps reverberating off the stone walls.
"Because if you turn that corner then I won't be able to tell you that I love you, too!"
The ringing silence filled the empty hallway. James' words echoed off the walls, just barely audible over the sounds of their beating heartbeats as the words hung between them. She slowly turned around, meeting his gaze. His smile was radiating off his expression filled with pure glee and Lily's eyes gleamed with purposeful awe. She took a hesitant step towards him, the smile on her face wavering between delight and hesitancy. "You're not just saying that to get out of a fight, are you?" she finally spoke.
If possible, his smile grew. "Considering I've done a fairly good job at pushing you away these past few days, I don't think getting out of a fight has necessarily been on my mind."
"Why does everything have to be a long-drawn our explanation with you? Is a simple 'no' just not sufficient enough?"
He shrugged, beckoning her to come closer to him. "No, Lils, I'm not just trying to get out of a fight."
"Now you're just trying to appease me," she sighed, the end of her lips tugging upwards, as she finally walked the remaining distance so she was standing directly in front of him.
"Yes, yes I am. Is it working?" he teased, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
She shrugged. "Not sure yet."
"Merlin, I just can't win with you," he muttered teasingly.
She smiled shyly, her nervous emerald eyes meeting his anxious hazel ones. "Say it again, James."
"'Merlin, I just can't win with you?'" he said, feigning confusion.
She smacked him on the shoulder and he took that opportunity to grab ahold of her waist. She pretended to squirm, trying to wriggle free but years of Quidditch had kept his grip far too firm. "Not that, you silly prat," she said, trying desperately to stop the girly grin from appearing on her face. Dammit, he was just too cute.
He was finding much amusement in her attempts to act stern but it was evident she was failing miserably. "Ah, then what, my love?"
"You know what."
"Only if you say it first," he teased. "Considering I'm not actually confident you do love me since the last time you mentioned it, it appeared to merely be a possibility."
"You really are a prat," she said, emitting an unexpected giggle.
"Those aren't the words I'm looking for," he sighed dramatically, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.
"Don't make me hex you," she pouted.
"You wouldn't dare."
"I would and I think you know that."
"We're acting like children."
She suppressed the urge to smile. "Children in love?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"Tell you that you're being a prat?"
"If you're not actually going to hex me, can I hex you?"
"No."
"And why not?" he asked.
She slowly locked eyes with his and the amusement in the air began to dissipate into unrelenting anxiety. The nerves settled in both of their stomachs as each of the passing seconds filled their emotions with gut-wrenching determination. Lily felt her heart flutter uncontrollably and James' hands began to tremble as he slowly ran them through her silky hair. Their eyes never wavered from one another's, the sexual tension unbearable between both of them before Lily finally blurted out, "Because I love you."
His heart soared, a smile leaping on to his expression as he leaned down to touch noses with her. "I love you, too, Lily," he whispered, the words trembling on his tongue.
And suddenly they were kissing unlike they've ever kissed before, letting their every inhibition fade into nothing but pure, unadulterated love. His hands traveled up her shoulders and neck to frame her face, their tongues crashing together with a ferocity unforeseen by either one of them. Their beating hearts merged as one entity as the frustration and anger and betrayal they've both felt over the past couple of days was thrown into that single kiss. James slowly lifted Lily off the ground and she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, a moan escaping her lips as James' tongue left a trail of kisses down her neck.
James pushed open their door, his arms holding a steady grasp of Lily, while their lips never parted from each other. As Lily's bedroom was slightly closer to the door (and his bedroom was a complete disaster after the week he had), he had no problem directing the two of them through her door. With a hungry kiss, his tongue tracing her bottom lip, he practically tossed her on to the bed, immediately climbing on top of her with an impish grin. "How could I have possibly let so much time go by without kissing those beautiful lips of yours?"
She grabbed his school tie and pulled her close to him. "Less talk," she whispered. "More kissing."
"Have I mentioned recently that I love y-"
His words were cut off as her mouth made another raid towards his. She could have listened to him tell her that he loved her for hours, but that moment was about showing each other the true love they had for each other. Every kiss, every moan, every touch was their way of offering forgiveness for their lack of communication over the past few days. It was their way of showing each other that it didn't matter what either of them had thought or felt, that this moment was all they needed to move past the heartache and pain. They were only making room for love.
As James pulled away only slightly to take a quick gasping breath, he was so enthralled with how much he really loved the woman laying in front of him. Her eyes, her smile, the slight blush on her cheeks, the freckle on her shoulder, her soft touch - the list goes on. Sometimes he still couldn't believe he was with her and when he did believe it, he knew he was the luckiest guy in the world. He met her eyes filled with passion and lust, leaning down once again to press his lips to hers. Gently at first followed by a quick ravishing of the inside of her mouth. He quickly tore her robes to the side, reaching for her T-shirt as well. He led a trail of kisses down her chest and perched his lips between her cleavage. He didn't waste any time unhooking her bra, letting that fall to the floor beside them. His mind grew hazy at the sight of her beautiful breasts. He had seem them before obviously, and maybe it was because they had finally told each other they loved one another, but he had never thought she was more beautiful. He felt himself harden just looking at her.
"You're so beautiful, Lily," he whispered, as she reached for his T-shirt and pulled it over his head. Her movements were methodical, yet hasty. She never wanted him more than she did at that very moment. His warm hands massaged her breasts as she leaned down to kiss him. Lily tensed when she suddenly felt a rush of humiliating heat and wetness soaking her underwear, but continued to explore the inside of James' mouth.
James ran his hands all over her naked torso, running a trail of kisses down her stomach. They halted right above the waistband of her skirt. He ran his fingers up her inner thigh as Lily massaged her fingers through his tangled hair, moaning ever so slightly. "James," she whispered.
Even the sound of his name made his heart soar.
He replaced his fingers with his tongue, slowly sliding it up her bare thigh. Her skirt slowly hiked up on her waist as she felt herself shudder and moan at the mere teasing manner of his tongue. He grinned impishly and met her gaze as he was hasty to rid her of her skirt. She, too, pulled the rest of his clothes off and suddenly they were laying there with only a thin layer of undergarments as the only barrier between the two.
"I love you," Lily whimpered as James' lips found their way back to her own.
"Say it again," he whispered, his finger inching closer and closer to her private area.
"You first," she murmured breathlessly, bucking her hips towards him.
He chuckled, pressing a kiss to her cleavage once again before taking her right breast in his mouth. "Such a minx, Miss Evans," he whispered teasingly. "But that's just another reason why I love you."
She smiled, a slight blush filling her cheeks, and kissed him fervently, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing him close to her. His fingers found the edge of her lacy underwear and he slowly pushed it aside, letting his thumb caress her numb gently. She tensed up as her natural reaction, a light moan escaping her swollen lips. He pulled the thin piece of underwear down over her legs and discarded it to the floor. When he nipped at her bottom lip once again, Lily felt her heart flutter in anticipation.
"James," she found herself saying hesitantly as his lips danced lightly against her neck.
"Hm?"
She felt her heartbeat begin to race uncontrollably as she pulled her head back to look him in the eyes. "Make love to me," she whispered.
He blinked, unsure if he heard her correctly. "What?" he croaked out.
She smiled, framing her face with her hands and pressing her lips to his cheek. "You heard me."
He ran his fingers across her hair, brushing it out of her face hesitantly. "This isn't like one of your implications of a possibility, is it?"
She chuckled, her whole body shaking with her laughter in his arms. "No, this is like one of my definite possibilities."
"Are you sure?"
She brought her mouth to his, letting it dance only slightly over his chapped lips. "I'm sure about you," she whispered into his ear.
The hairs on the back of his neck stood up at the intimacy of that situation. "Having sex because we said we loved each other is so cliche," James teased, twirling a strand of hair in his fingers as he kissed her bare shoulder.
"Well, fine, if you don't want to, I can't make-"
"That is not what I said," he growled, pressing his fingers up against her clit to tease her.
She let out a strangled gasp, pushing her hips into his hand as a desperate plea for more.
That cry made James fervent for more, wanting and needing to hear those explicit moans escape her mouth. He was ready to watch her legs go weak at his touch and he wanted to see her cheeks flush in anticipation. He had never wanted her more than he did in that moment and was desperate to make this moment an experience neither would forget.
With a curt press of his lips to her neck, he ran his fingers down the front of her clit and inserted them into her moist opening. She whimpered anxiously and jerked slightly against his hand. She was already panting, gripping the bedspread behind her tightly as she closed her eyes and let him take over. He pulled out and then in again, and Lily's breath escaped her as she felt herself was on the verge of ecstasy. He pulled out once more, his own face mixed with desperation and desire, and in, then out and in, pushing his fingers harder against her inside folds. Lily cried out loudly as she climaxed, sinking into the bed with pure bliss.
As she caught her breath, she reached out to kiss him. "Yep, I definitely love you," Lily whispered breathlessly, glancing up at James' overexcited face.
He laughed and laid a kiss on her right breast as Lily struggled to catch her breath. He nestled between her legs, and he felt Lily tense up. He wasn't sure if it was because she was still relaxing from the last climax or if it was because she was nervous for what was going to happen next.
He gazed at her, as she stroked his arms adoringly. He hesitated slightly, which Lily caught. She lifted her back off the mattress and whispered reassuringly in his ear, "I'm sure, James," before he could even ask.
The look on her face told him that she was indeed nervous, but there was also a hint of something James had never seen before. She was lusting for him anxiously, and it made him want to give her everything she wanted. "I love you, Lily," he whispered, as he slowly entered her.
She tightened, which James' expected, but her eyes met his and she nodded slowly. He thrust further into her, causing her to cry out anxiously. James pulsated inside of her and began pulling in and out of her slowly, trying to let Lily get used to the feeling. Her heartbeat was racing faster by the second and her cries meshed with his, drowning out all other sounds. While it was a uncomfortable feeling at first, it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. The idea that she was becoming one with James made her feel so special and desired, she never wanted this moment to end.
When they both came, their cries had been reduced to strangled whispers. James let out a guttural groan as he climaxed inside of her and Lily panted forcefully. James pressed his mouth to hers quickly before collapsing beside her, their heavy breathing the only thing either of them could focus on.
She gripped the pillow as she lowered her shaky legs and tried to straighten out her uneven panting. She let out an overwrought gasp, and glanced over at James, whose eyes were closed with a jovial smile plastered on his face. His tousled hair, more so than usual of course, and his swollen lips reminded Lily of what had just occurred and she grinned. She moved to her side, propping herself up on her elbow, tracing circles on his chest with her index finger. She pressed her lips to his lightly and gazed down at him. "I love you, James," she whispered.
His eyes fluttered open and he turned his head to look at her. To really look at her. Beads of sweat were slipping down her neck, her cheeks were flushed with overwhelming delight, and her eyes seemed to sparkle so much more than he had ever seen before. "I love you so much, Lily," he whispered, playing with a strand of her hair absentmindedly.
She blushed slightly, turning her gaze away from him. "Hm…so that's what sex is like."
James laughed, pulling her close to him and kissing her forehead. "Do you think we could just lie here forever? Never walk out that door to endure a reality I'm not so sure I'm ready to partake in? Can't it just be me and you for always?" he whispered, his voice hoarse with remorse.
Lily nestled her head against his shoulder with a sad sigh. "Sometimes I wish we could," she whispered back, pressing her lips against his bare chest. "But then we'd never be able to experience the greatness that comes with living life."
James' eyebrow quirked, a smirk framing his face. "I'm pretty sure we just experienced some awesome greatness in here."
Lily laughed, gazing up at him. "And you called me the minx?"
He smiled, burying his lips in her hair and drawing her close to him. She tangled her legs in his and nestled beside him, resting her head on his shoulder and smiling as she realized that this was where she was meant to be. Only five months earlier she was cursing the ground he walked on and now she just lost her virginity to him. And more than that, she was madly in love with him.
Life worked in mysterious ways sometimes. But Lily was loving the mystery.
She didn't wake until hours later when she could have sworn she heard a soft sob. When her eyes adjusted to the light, Lily saw James on the other side of the room, sitting on her window ledge wrapped in a blanket with a clear twisted, painful expression on his face. "James," she said softly.
He jumped and glanced behind him at Lily, true remorse shining in his eyes.
"Are you alright?" she asked hesitantly.
He didn't respond, his eyes widening painfully in a bit of a deer-in-headlights manner.
"James, talk to me," she whispered, slowly sitting upright and drawing her knees to her chest.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, and suddenly he felt everything inside of him break. Everything he had been holding in suddenly became rushing to the surface and he couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it was due to the release of finally having sex with Lily or maybe it was due to the relief of knowing Lily loved him, too, but whatever it was, he started spilling all of the emotions and feelings that he had been trying to suppress and he didn't care anymore as to who heard it.
"He was gonna get married," he spat out in a hurt whisper. "He and Bianca were going to live happily ever after. They…they were going to get married, Lily."
"Oh, James," Lily whispered. She started climbing out of bed to sit beside him, but he beat her to the punch. He climbed off the ledge and joined her on the bed, perching at the end of it hesitantly.
"But what now?" he spoke softly, shaking his head. He melted into her touch when she reached out and ran her fingers down his bare back. He slowly looked up, meeting her gaze. And suddenly tears were filling his eyes and spilling out on to his cheeks. Lily reached out to swipe his cheekbones in a vain attempt to stop the tears that wouldn't let up. "He was supposed to be a husband. He was supposed to get married and have five children. He was going to inherit the house and he and Bianca were going to live their every dream. They were going to be happy. They should have been happy! And now what?" he choked out.
He didn't bother trying to stop the tears from streaming down his face. Lily uncurled her body and sat cross-legged beside him. He immediately fell into her lap with a sobbing moan. "How is this fair, Lils?"
She shook her head in vain. "It isn't," she whispered.
His whole body was trembling, his voice shaking ferociously. "All I've been doing for the past couple of months is complaining about the wedding. The last thing I wrote Brite was that I was mad at him for going on his stupid mission and burdening me with all of the wedding plans." He tried to catch his breath.
Lily now felt so helpless. She continued stroking his hair, but watching him curl up and bawl in her lap made her feel so insignificant. "He knew you loved him, James. Never question that."
He shut his eyes tightly, trying to regain some control over his emotions with little luck. "It's hard not to question everything right now," he whispered breathlessly.
"I know, love," she urged, tracing soothing circles on his bare back.
"And what about me, Lily?" he whispered hoarsely.
Lily kissed his tear-soaked cheek. "What about you?"
"He…he just left me," James said in a small voice. "He's gone, Wyatt is gone, and that makes me the older brother now. Grant and Dezzy and JT are supposed to look up to me now? That's not…not how it's supposed to go. I had two older brothers for a reason. They're the role models, not me. My brothers and sister deserve someone to look up to. That's Brite. It's always been Brite. They deserve someone better than me."
"They love you, James," Lily reassured, whispering into his ear. "You're a wonderful brother."
"How can you even say that? I haven't been there for them at all this week," James muttered. "What makes you think I can do this?"
"Because you're already someone that they look up to," Lily explained. She twisted out of his grasp, and gestured towards her pillow. She pulled herself over to her headboard and leaned against it. James gripped her hand and he followed her, placing his head on her stomach with a breathless cry.
"I-I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye."
"You'll never be ready," Lily said from experience. She started stroking his hair again, kissing his hair gently. "It's just something you have to do."
James didn't respond. He began to sob again, his face contorting with every tear that slipped down his cheeks. He couldn't remember the last time he cried, but he knew that he was glad to have Lily holding on to him. He felt oddly safe in her grasp, as if nothing else could go wrong. "I feel so lost," he choked out.
Lily felt a tear slip down her own face as she watched her boyfriend fall apart in her arms. "I know. But I'm here for you."
"You are?" he asked hoarsely, gazing up at her expectantly.
She pressed her lips to his cheeks and nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, James."
There was nothing left to say. Lily slid down, cradling his head in her arms, until she was lying beside him. They remained in that embrace, the sound of James' tears creating a rather indicative lull in the room. James continued to weep until he had no more tears inside of him. He gripped Lily's hand tightly, wishing that he never had to let it go.
"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered somewhere around sunrise.
"For what?"
"For the way I've been acting towards you," he murmured guiltily, wiping the stained tears from his cheeks.
"Oh, James, don't even worry-"
"I do worry," he interrupted, slowly meeting her gaze. "I could have lost you. And with all that's been going on recently, that's the last thing I need. I was just...I was so scared."
"About what?" Lily whispered, realizing that for the first time since Brite had died, James was opening his heart to her.
He didn't respond immediately, tracing shapes on the back of Lily's hand with his thumb. "I was afraid of letting someone else in that I cared about after all that's happened recently. When I heard about Brite, it wasn't Riley or Sirius I wanted to turn to like it had been for so many years. It was you. And in that moment, I knew without a shadow of doubt that I was in love with you."
Lily could hear the frantic fear in his words.
"And that just filled me with so much panic because honestly, Lily, I have no idea how to be in love," he whispered, the words trembling against his tongue. "I just feel like lately everything has been spinning out of control. First, the whole thing with Riley and Sirius and now losing my brother. I can't lose someone else I love. And apparently that turns into me pushing everyone away before they could push me away. I can't deal with any more betrayal or pain or rejection, Lily. I just can't."
"Shh," Lily whispered, kissing his cheeks and running her fingers through his hair. "James, I know what it's like to be afraid of falling in love. Why do you think I've been so willing to let you push me away? Because the idea of being in love is so remarkably scary. But you have to know something, James: I will never betray you. I will never hurt you. And I will never reject you. I'm in this for the long haul. I just hope you are, too."
"I am," he responded immediately, slowly shifting in her arms so that he could press his lips to hers. "I love you, Lily. It scares the shit out of me, but I really do love you."
She smiled, kissing him back. "I couldn't agree more, Mr. Potter," she whispered.
Mid-kiss, James blurted out, "Come with me to the funeral, Lily."
She stiffened and glanced up at him. "What?"
"Will you come to the funeral with me?"
Lily bit down on her lip and tore her eyes away from his. "Do you really want the first time I meet your family to be at your brother's funeral?"
"I don't care about that," he quickly disputed. "I need you there, Lily. I don't know how I'll be able to get through it all without you by my side."
Lily's brow furrowed. "I just don't think it's my place to be there."
"My place is your place, Lily," James argued pleadingly. He squeezed her hand and sighed. "I can't do it without you. I know being at that funeral won't be easy, but I'll be able to get through it with you by my side."
"I don't want to intrude."
"You won't be," James protested. "We have plenty of room and my mom would love to meet you. Please, Lily. Please say you'll go. I don't know what I'll do without you there. With you by my side, I won't be afraid."
"Of what?" Lily asked, meeting his gaze.
He swallowed hard and stared towards the window with a distant look on his face. "Everything," he breathed heavily.
Lily exhaled loudly, staring guiltily down at her hands.
"Why are you so against going?" James asked, hurt.
She quickly looked up at him. "I never went to my parents' funeral," she murmured. "I just..."
He nodded slowly. "It'll be weird and difficult to go to the funeral of someone you never even met when you didn't bother to mourn for your own parents ten years ago?"
She tensed as their eyes hastily met. "Yeah," she said in surprise. "That's exactly what it'll be."
"Well, how about I be there for you if you promise to be there for me?"
She smiled sadly, leaning over to press her lips to his. "You may be the most wonderful person I've ever met."
"Well, yeah, have you met your other friends?" he teased.
"Oh, and what's wrong with my friends?" Lily shot back, raising an eyebrow. "Besides the fact that I wouldn't mind if Riley came across a spell-gone-wrong."
James looked at her, confused. "What? Why? Are you two fighting?"
Lily sighed and shook her head dismissively. "It's nothing. She just said something very hurtful." Lily snorted. "Though it did get me to realize I need to be with you, so I don't know if I can be mad at her entirely."
James' confused look turned even more perplexed. "Uh…come again?"
Lily laughed. "It's nothing that you need to worry about."
"Are you sure?"
Lily nodded.
"Well, I guess I can't be mad at her if she did bring you back to me," James admitted with a shrug, snuggling up closer to her. He hesitated. "Especially since she was the one who made me fully realize I was being an idiot."
Lily stiffened, glancing up at him. "What?"
"She came barging into my room tonight and told me that I needed to let you in," he said with a shrug.
"Oh," Lily said, feeling guilty somehow.
James traced her cheekbone with the back of his hand. "She was right of course."
Lily smirked. "Wasn't it just the other day that I was the one begging you to let me in?"
He grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, but I've been listening to Riley since birth while for six years, I mostly ignored what you said."
She couldn't help but laugh, her eyes growing with amused shock. "Oh, that just makes me feel so good inside."
He snickered, brushing the hair from her face as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "But I suppose I love you so I guess I should give listening to you a go now."
"Can I take back my love for you?" she groaned with a teasing smile.
"Nah, you're stuck with me," he whispered.
She couldn't help but smile as she leaned over and pressed her lips to his. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
A/N: Yay, James and Lily have officially done the dirty deed! They both got over their issues and gave into each other. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, especially those who have been so interested in some naughty Lily/James action! Please review!