#37 – From Kurt, to Sebastian – Part 2, Take II
Dear Luna,
I've not seen you in a while. I'm sorry for that. It's just that you were the secret part of my life that I couldn't tell most people. Sometimes, Charlie talks about you and I have to cut him off. Until now, nobody but Charlie and I know you exist. You are a part of a world that isn't supposed to clash in with my reality. You're the moon, the secret at night, and I've been neglecting you and I'm sorry. However, you didn't seem to be able to take it because tonight, you've texted me, asking us to both meet up.
At first, I thought that this would be just like any other normal meeting. However, when I went there, I realised that this was not just any other normal meeting. There was no coffee, no song, no laughter, nothing—and you were very angry and I couldn't blame you, Luna. I couldn't. I'm sorry.
Kurt had thought that Sebastian's choice of meeting was odd and sketchy, an abandoned alleyway very close to their household. He supposed that Sebastian may have gotten into trouble again, and that was what led him to come there. Last time, he'd seen Sebastian was vibrant and rosy and a redhead. Now, underneath the moonlight, the rosiness was not from health but from pure and utter rage. His redheaded mane was exchanged for his brown hair again. He looked like the boy that Kurt had ran into the bookstore.
"I haven't seen you in weeks," Sebastian said, his voice littered with rage and hate. Kurt knew some of that hate was directed towards himself.
"I was busy." Kurt said, shaking his head. "Are you going to blame me for being busy?"
"No," Sebastian said, his voice dark. "You're lying to me," he finally stated.
Kurt knew that he was. He came clean after a few inhales of air. "Yes," he confessed. "I am lying. Do you know why I'm lying…? Let me give you a hint. It has something to do with the fact that I'm not supposed to be seeing you, Sebastian. It's just not supposed to happen."
"Why not?" Sebastian was very angry.
"Because I have feelings for you!" Kurt exclaimed, not meaning to say it but it had to be said sometimes soon. He watched the colour drain from Sebastian's face before it came back into its full rubicund nature. It took a few minutes for Kurt to realise that Sebastian was fucking happy. "And I like to pretend that those feelings don't exist because I have a boyfriend! Are you happy now?"
Sebastian looked giddy. "You…you have feelings for me?" he called out in a squeaky voice. "This is fucking great. This is fucking amazeballs."
"What?" Kurt didn't understand.
Sebastian was moving close to Kurt, looking like he'd just seen an angel. "I have feelings for you too, Kurt. I just…I really…really…"
"Sebastian, no," Kurt cut him off. "No."
"But you said…" Sebastian looked like he was in complete peril.
Kurt shook his head. "I told you, Sebastian," his voice held a lot of authority for some reason. "I told you I have a boyfriend. We have a very good relationship and while I do have very strong feelings towards you, it's not enough to make me want to break it off with him per say."
Sebastian looked like he was just about hit by a bus. He looked completely and utterly despondent and devastated. His face had gone completely white and in seconds, he was angry. "And you'd rather your fucking twink than me?"
Kurt sighed deeply. "Firstly, Blaine isn't a twink. Secondly, no, I'd rather I not break up what I have right now just so we could have a relationship. You're probably worth it, Sebastian, but I still don't want to break Blaine's heart for this."
"Blaine?" Sebastian repeated. "Blaine fucking Anderson by any chance?"
"Yes, that is exactly who I'm dating," Kurt saw a dark blaze fill Sebastian's eyes.
"Fine," Sebastian murmured, shaking his head but then smirked almost immediately. "I'll break you two up then, because you know what, Hummel? Blaine's below your standard. You're too hot for that and you will thank me."
"I'd like to see you try to break us up," Kurt huffed, shaking his head. "You're such a child. You have to destroy things to get what you want now, Sebastian?"
"It's all I have!" Sebastian interjected, staring at Kurt for the longest of time. "Don't act so surprised. I don't have any friends. I don't have anyone. Fuck it all. I was elected as captains for the Warblers by the way. Changed my hair for it because I thought they might recognise me as that stupid redhead from lacrosse that hates everything. Nobody knows that redhead, you know? Nobody. I bet if your little boyfriend saw my face, he wouldn't recognise me as someone was in Dalton for fucking years, right? Blaine has fucking everything! Why can't I have you?"
Kurt looked at Sebastian's face for some time.
"I'm miserable," Sebastian admitted. "I'm so fucking miserable and alone and you are the only person in the entire fucking universe that I can trust, so why the hell can't I have you?"
Kurt didn't say anything to that. Sebastian just shook his head. He looked tired. He really did look miserable, and more than anything, Kurt wanted to tell him that it was okay. They would be together, and that they would end up getting married or something to that equivalent. However, this was reality. There were no room for fantasies.
"I'm sorry, Sebastian," was all Kurt could say.
Sebastian just glared at Kurt before storming off. Kurt wanted to go after him but there was something holding him back. He went to his car instead. Sebastian might just need time to cool down and everything would be fine again. Perhaps, Kurt would visit him this week. He'd have to make it some sort of a priority, right? Everything would be just fine.
You asked me to meet you in that alleyway, professing some sort of love you had for me. The light was shining on your face, illuminating it in a very subtle manner. Your eyes were greener than normal. You've dyed your hair again. This is just like our encounter in the bookstore. A vibrant boy that's having some part of him being drained in a very slow and painful process. I wondered if you hated me when I saw you were angry, but no, it was purely the opposite. You loved me – arguably, passionately and vehemently so. You had very intense feelings for me. You threatened to break me and my boyfriend apart. I could only describe this encounter as a boy that wanted a toy and couldn't get it.
I wonder if I could just about blame you for that. You told me that I was the only person you trust, your only friend, two times now. Once when you were younger told me about all your fake friends with their money and smiles. Still today, you are friendless and this fact I could confirm considering I was the first to question you about the abuse that mars your body so obviously to me. It's the first thing that was making you rot on the inside yet nobody cared enough to notice, or maybe they did notice but they just accepted it as that. Maybe you gave them horrible, tacky excuses for why you had burns or scratches and they took it as just that. Maybe some of them cared too much but were in denial, like my family is. Somehow, I doubt it's the last. Somehow, I think people don't really care much about you at all.
I wonder what'll happen after this. I wonder if things will change, or if things will stay the same. I shouldn't have asked because things did change and I don't know who to blame. I won't blame myself because I believe I've done the right thing, Luna. We were never meant to shine together. We both needs suns to shine and I have no light for you to take. I won't blame you because you don't know what the light looks like. You just see some part of it in me and you want it. You think it'll all work out, in this beautiful universe of yours where the principle is that all things are possible. But they're not.
I'm sorry, Luna. Please forgive me.
I didn't blame any of us. I blamed the stars instead, because they don't speak of us. They don't write of us, not yet. In this scarlet letter, I embed my wishes. I wish to love you the way you love me. I wish you love me the way I love you. Something of that variant, but wishes are for wasting I've realised a long time ago and the stars don't answer back to the questions that keep us up at night.
Kurt had been thinking about Sebastian, wondering what love meant to him or a relationship really. He wondered if it was all sex-based. He thought that no sex-based relationship could thrive. However, at the same time, he felt like a sexless one would fail—and then, he thought of Blaine. They'd been tiptoeing around the idea of sex for a long time. Kurt had asked him about feeling sexy and doing things and Blaine seemed to think that masturbating was the solution to all of life's issues.
Kurt wondered if he was attractive. Perhaps, he wasn't at all as attractive as once thought. Perhaps, he wasn't attractive at all. A part of Kurt was thinking that Blaine just didn't want to rush it. They had something special, something that was completely and utterly innocent and Blaine didn't want to taint that innocence just yet. They were still young, they had a lot to take in. The slower they were, the more they would be able to enjoy their view as their peered out of the boat they were sitting in and staring outside into the world above them, how it filled them – the world filled them when they were together.
It would be just fine, Kurt had decided after a few days of dwelling too much on the subject. It wasn't that Blaine didn't find him attractive but that the ravenette valued what they had far too much to let slip away just yet.
"Hey, Kurt," Blaine looked nervous, playing with the hem of his jacket as he moved towards the brunette.
"Blaine?" he looked up at the boy, haunted by something. "What's the matter?" Kurt had been sitting down and reading a book in a local library that didn't care much for noise or eating for that matter. Blaine had been drinking hot chocolate and eating a croissant just a few moments ago.
"Nothing," Blaine insisted, staring at Kurt's frame for some time.
Kurt was suddenly afraid that for some reason, Blaine had found out about Sebastian and Kurt and how close they were as well. Yes, they did not kiss each other but they did have obvious feelings for one another, feelings that were on both ends rather than just on one. He didn't know how Blaine would handle that kind of information, especially given Sebastian's character.
"I'm getting this book," Kurt said, reading over the page number and putting his bookmark in just in case. He'd gone out to check it out and tried not to strike a conversation with the librarian that had known him for years now. Kurt swore that he'd been to every bookstore and library in all of Lima. Everyone that worked with books somehow remembered his face – most remembered his name even. Very few knew fragments of who he was.
Kurt had left to go with Blaine afterwards, watching Blaine look around as if trying to distract himself from his thoughts. When they'd gotten into the car, it was the same thing again. Kurt had noticed Blaine looked distracted and in thought.
"Blaine?" Kurt called out, hoping to break the ravenette out of his reverie.
"I'm going to invite the Warblers to see West Side Story tomorrow," Blaine had told him that already, but there was something that was irking the brunette's mind. He looked over at Kurt with those glassy eyes. They were just dark in this light. "Kurt, I…I want to see my Mother's grave. I haven't yet. I've not been to her funeral. I just…" he shook his head. "I need to see it."
Kurt nodded his head. That was understandable and explained Blaine's hesitation completely. "Do you want to see it now?"
"Please?" Blaine asked, looking over at Kurt with apologetic eyes, almost as if he was sorry that Kurt had to do any of this.
Kurt nodded his head. It was more than just a tad understandable as far as Kurt was concerned. He asked for directions and they ran around in circles for the most bit before they actually got to the actual place. Kurt didn't feel like out with Blaine but knew he had to – if not for himself, then for Blaine because Blaine deserved that much support from him.
That was exactly what happened. They walked together, hand in hand. This didn't feel like Pavarotti's death. It felt too real, as if the idea of time was fabricated and set in front of them. Somehow, Kurt was aware of the time more than usual. He was aware of every second in which they moved and every exhale that he took. When Blaine saw it, he didn't cry. He just stared at it. It was just stone, a logical part of Kurt said, but it wasn't. It wasn't just a stone. One could not compare a small rock with a diamond then they shouldn't be comparing rock to tombstones.
Blaine stared at it for some time before he cried. He just ended up bursting into tears and then full on sobbing. Hearing his dismay made Kurt feel horrible. He didn't move to comfort him. He believed that this moment was too personal for that. Kurt just stood there, watching Blaine realise that she was gone and dead. It was just the stark realisation finally hitting, computing in that brain of his. It actually happened.
After that, Kurt drove him home. The drive was very silent. Kurt didn't think there was anything that could be said. When Blaine left the car, Kurt had made him stop and asked him, "Are you okay?"
Blaine didn't answer the question. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kurt."
Blaine's stars didn't answer his questions either. I think there's something wrong with him and I just can't see it. I'm afraid of something being wrong with him, because I'm afraid that one day, his sunshine's going to be drained from his body and there's just going to be nothing left of him but tears and rain. I don't think I might be able to hold on with him as much if he was sad. It's a disgusting thing to say, Luna—a very horrible thing to say, but Blaine is my light and if my light goes out, then there's only one solution to that. Either you get new batteries, or you get a new light. However, light itself is not eternal. It doesn't last forever. Perhaps, I may be wrong. Perhaps, Blaine and I could go the distance, float and fly together, disappearing from the world, become something other than people misdirected into this world. I don't know.
It was a Friday afternoon when Kurt had decided to go to get a latte. Blaine had been acting strange ever since he'd gone to Dalton to give out invitations for West Side Story, but Kurt had decided not to question it or dwell on it far too much. Blaine was entitled to his off days. He had a lot to carry around these past few weeks as well. Kurt had decided to go to the Lima Bean alone instead of asking Blaine if he wanted to be there. It was one of those days that Blaine didn't turn up in Glee, but did for the school day. Those days were rare but they still existed. Kurt wondered why he didn't come to Glee.
He wondered, as he stepped inside the small quaint café and then he heard a voice he immediately recognised as Blaine's. He said something about not wanting to screw the things he was with the guy he had. Kurt raised an eyebrow as he moved towards the crowd, straight towards the table only for his heart to practically eject itself from his chest when he realised that Blaine and Sebastian were sitting opposites of each other. His two worlds were crashing against each other. Blaine and Sebastian. They weren't supposed to meet at all. They weren't supposed to know each other and they definitely weren't supposed to be sitting there, talking about Kurt. Fuck. They could've said anything—
"Who's really great?" Kurt had decided to open up with that, indicating he'd overheard some bit of the conversation the two had had beforehand.
"You!" Blaine exclaimed, nervously chuckling as if he'd been caught having sex with Sebastian instead of caught having a simple chat with him. "We were just talking about you."
Blaine looked over at Sebastian. "Sebastian, this is Kurt, my boyfriend whom I was just…" Kurt had looked over at Sebastian's hand, and had shaken it. As far as Blaine knew, Kurt and Sebastian had no history with one another and Kurt wanted to breathe a sigh of relief when he realised that Sebastian hadn't told Blaine a thing about him and Kurt being interested in one another. "Wow. Wow."
"Pleasure," he said to Sebastian, before looking back at Blaine. "And how do we know Sebastian?"
Sebastian had decided to answer that question. "We met at Dalton, was dying to meet Blaine." Yeah, sure, Kurt wanted to roll his eyes but refrained himself. "Those Warblers just won't shut up about him. I didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out…"
Kurt had sat down beside Blaine, linking his arm to Blaine almost as if sending out a message to Sebastian that whatever ludicrous plot that the brunette had of separating them together was futile. "Yes, he's even more impressive in the flesh," Kurt had decided to say.
"Hey," Sebastian changed the topic completely. "What are you guys doing tomorrow night?"
"Well, we're rehearsing for the school musical and at bedtime, we do a rigorous skin sloughing regime over the phone together," Kurt responded coolly, hoping that Sebastian would just get the idea that he was not invited to Kurt and Blaine's party of two.
"And as sexy as that sounds," Sebastian began, 'what do you say we shake things up? I get you guys a couple of fake IDs, and we head over to Scandals in West Lima."
Kurt didn't know what Sebastian was plotting but it couldn't be good at all. Kurt had remembered a few things that he'd mentioned was that he didn't like drinking because of the fact that he didn't need those calories nor the mindless intoxication and he'd also mentioned the Berry episode to Sebastian once. It was cunning and unsightly. He also knew that Sebastian himself was quite a heavyweight so as far as Blaine was concerned, the brunette could be chugging down a lot of alcohol and join the fun without really getting wasted.
"Scandals?" Blaine looked over at Kurt and whispered, "That's the gay bar."
"The last time I went there, I met the man of my dreams on the dance floor," Sebastian decided to add on just to make the deal far more enticing.
I remember that night, Luna. We were in Scandals together before. I knew that place was disturbingly tacky. I also remembered that night very lucidly because it was the first time I'd ever walked into that bar before. It was the first time I'd ever had a taste of the acidic liquid that was alcohol. It was too much for me, even a little and you knew that it would be yet you still prompted me. I couldn't focus, scurrying to the dance floor when you talked to the bartender. You laughed when you realised that I was in the centre of the dance floor, walking towards me with a bright smile on your face. You've drunk too much for my taste, but still were very clear in terms of what was happening.
"I don't even know who you are anymore," I'd said in my lame attempt to try and understand the state that the alcohol had put me in. It was strange, odd, and I didn't know if I liked it or not. I was in a daze and couldn't remember much of the world, why I was there or who I was there with.
"I'm Sebastian Smythe," you chimed in some sort of attempt at making me laugh.
I didn't laugh, but I did join along in your game. "Kurt Hummel."
We laughed then, both of us twinkling under the light of an outdated disco ball. The men around us were probably twice our age. We didn't look like we belonged but it never really mattered to you. We danced for a while, a very short while, and I asked you if we were together.
"Yeah, we are," you said, but then added on. "But I'm going to break up with you," you just meant it as a joke but for some reason, I started to cry. I had completely blamed it on the alcohol. We left afterwards because I would not stop sobbing. You drove me back to your house. I told my family that I'd been staying over with Mercedes and that was as far as they knew. They never phoned Mercedes or her parents to ask. It just didn't happen. That night, we stayed in your car. We both slept in the back, with blankets you salvaged from your trunk. I woke up and you made fun of me for laughing before telling me that we were going to get Cinnabon. I told you that it was fattening. You told me that you ate it all the time and you didn't look like you were going to implode from fat, as you pinched your stomach as if to emphasise on how slender your figure was.
I stayed in the back. The blankets were warm, and I was safe. Somehow, even in the recklessness of your actions, I always knew I was safe with you. Oh, Luna, oh, Luna, carry me away with your borrowed light—or is it stolen? No, but borrowed just to light up the sky because the stars aren't trying hard enough. You tried though, tried very hard and I always look outside into the sky, peering straight into the black blanket.
I understand. I'm safe with you now.
Love, Kurt.
"That's sweet," Kurt murmured, shaking his head. "And are you still together?" he knew that story too well. He just wanted to see how Sebastian would respond.
"Sadly, no. We broke up after about twenty minutes after we met," Sebastian's eyes were light with some sort of excitement. Kurt could feel it too. "Come on, guys. Live a little!"
"We would love to, Sebastian," Blaine would hate to and Kurt and Sebastian could both tell that the ravenette could sense the clear tension at the table. "Thank you for the offer. That's very nice of you, but that just isn't our kind of thing."
Kurt was pondering at Sebastian's intent. He knew that the brunette was up to no good. Somehow, he was more interested in Sebastian's intent and confronting him at that bar than he was in the fact that this would go terribly wrong—what was the worse that Sebastian could do? Get Blaine drunk? It didn't feel like a threat to Kurt. He took a deep breath. "Let's do it."
Blaine looked shocked, but somehow had gone along with it. Sebastian looked self-satisfied.
"Okay, look at the time," Blaine looked over at his clock. "I promised my Dad I'll meet him for lunch so, I've just got to go. Thanks, guys. This was fun."
Blaine had left and Kurt had gone off to order coffee. When he ordered, his hand had quickly tried to locate his wallet in a midst of books. It was squashed somewhere there. Just as Kurt was searching, Sebastian had gotten up and paid for Kurt's coffee instead. Kurt looked up at the brunette, completely and utterly confused but accepted the fact as it was.
When his coffee was ready, he'd gone to put some sugar and a bit of honey in it. Sebastian was following Kurt around, almost as if willing the shorter male to ask him questions.
"What was that about?" Kurt asked Sebastian, looking up at the brunette's face. "You're actually trying to break up my relationship now, Sebastian?" his voice was teetering with anger.
"I'm testing it, Hummel. You're making me sound like an ass that can't get his way," Sebastian murmured, snorting. "If you want to test anything, you strain it and see if it withstands the pressure or something like that."
"Lovely analogy," Kurt mumbled under his breath. "But we're human beings, remember?"
"So fucking what?" Sebastian placed his hand on Kurt's shoulders, leaning down towards his head. "You smell like strawberries. Ick."
"I had strawberries during my lunch break," Kurt mumbled, not knowing where Sebastian's fascination of him stemmed from. It seemed only a few days ago that Sebastian was mumbling death threats and telling Kurt not to touch him, but now, things were much difference. "What are you plotting, Sebastian?"
"I'm plotting on how I'd be able to get you," Sebastian murmured, placing a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "I need you in my life, K…badly."
"I am in your life," Kurt huffed.
"Really? Are you?" Sebastian murmured. Kurt had thought about it, not really. They hadn't been together in days just because Kurt was spending so much time with Blaine. He didn't know what was going on in the brunette's life anymore. Kurt felt the need to deny Sebastian's statement but didn't know how to. Sebastian only smiled very softly. "Told you."
"I don't have to be your boyfriend to be in your life," Kurt finally commented.
"But I want you to be," Sebastian shook his head. "Fuck it, Hummel. Your fucking boyfriend has everything. I wasn't lying you know – those damn Warblers won't fucking shut up about him and it's annoying the shit out of me. Blaine can get whoever he wants. I can't."
"Blaine's life isn't all so perfect either," Kurt reminded Sebastian. "He lost his Mother a few months ago and he's still trying to accept it. He's been bullied and beat up. He has massive scars and injuries from the Sadie Hawkins' dance because it was just that bad for him and his date died. Blaine doesn't have a perfect life, so there's no way that you can say that."
Sebastian snorted. "And you expect me to care? Fine. He doesn't have the perfect life. He has the perfect support."
Kurt wanted to lash out on him but that was true. Blaine was never alone. In fact, Kurt realised he'd been irked by the fact that Blaine seemed to be coddled beforehand.
"Perfect friends," Sebastian murmured.
Kurt wanted to say something against that but so far, he couldn't. Blaine really did seem to have it all on the surface. In fact, Blaine himself made it seem like he had everything and that there was nothing that was irking him.
"Perfect boyfriend," Sebastian placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder.
Just before Kurt could respond to that, Sebastian had leaned down and pressed his lips against Kurt's cheek. Kurt felt a tingle up his spine and felt himself nearly shake. Only Sebastian would show affection in public and not care about the consequences, especially if that place was Lima. Sebastian had left after that kiss but it lingered on Kurt's skin even after he left.
Kurt had gone off to his car afterwards and felt a knot in his stomach.
He felt like Sebastian was not going to be at all lovely or persuasive—but would take what he wanted by force instead of fairness. Kurt took a deep breath and shook his head. Let the games begin.