Title: Material Girl
Length: 828
Author: Alliriyan – known to Pippin as Alli-Sue, the woman who allegedly needs and would actually love to have a straitjacket!
Pairing: Chair/Stein (boy, am I serious)
Sum: …Nice arse? XD Don't ask me; THIS. IS. CRACKFIC!!!
Music: The Dandy Warhols, Bohemian Like You
A/N: Take idea, flip/twist, observe spontaneous generation of plotbunnies. Works every time. Takes roughly 10 seconds.
For: The Pippinator! Wewt!

Stein…was still cooing at his chair. This had been going on for a few hours now. Spirit had left a while ago, seeking therapy at the pub.

Stein spun the chair round and round, adoring its beautiful, swivelly curves. He whipped his favourite Sharpie out of the pocket of his lab coat. Popping the lid off, he proceeded to mark out surgery lines that crisscrossed the chair's soft and vulnerable organs, in other words the cushion and the backrest.

"You'll love me forever and ever and ever…" he crooned for the umpteenbillionth time.

He was so absorbed he missed the giggling noise. It came from nowhere as he continued to scribble on the seat. Blair, who was walking past the crazy man's office at the time, did hear it and glanced around in utter confusion.

Now Stein was lovingly raising his favourite scalpel in one trembling, excited hand. He brought it down to the fabric and began to make the first incision. Just then, the school bell rang in its customary loud and jarring manner. The blade slipped.

"Ow!" squeaked the swivel chair, turning away reflexively.

Stein was already halfway out the door, rushing to class and knocking into Blair as he exited. He didn't notice the squeak.

Blair did.

The curious cat sidled over to the rather vocal piece of furniture. She examined it v e r y closely. "Heeey," she said accusingly. "You're not a chair!"

If possible, the chair became stiller than before and appeared to hold its breath. Of course I'm a chair, it seemed to say, emanating an aura of inanimate-object-ness. What else would I be?

"Wow," murmured Blair to herself. "I'm amazed Stein didn't spot that. I thought he could see souls. But what kind of – "

"What kind of Weapon is a chair?" asked a voice attempting to be wry. There was a loud pop! Where the chair had been, was a young woman in her early twenties. Her hair and attire were a plastic-y shade of black, her eyes the silvery grey of steel ball bearings. There was a strange spiral object sticking out of her head. Perhaps it was the kind of screw used to adjust the tilt of one's swivelly chair, but it looked sort of like a ray gun too.

"Well, yeah;" huffed Blair. "That's like the most STUPID Weapon ever."

The Weapon nodded morosely. "I started at Shibusen because I wanted to be a Meister, you know. But when I found out I was a Weapon, I was so embarrassed I didn't want to tell anyone. And then…I fell in love with Franken…"

"Riiight,"

"We have a real connection."

"Of course, his bum on your…whatever that part of you is when you're transformed."

"Lap."

That's no fun, thought the cat. Although the guy does sit backwards a lot. "And how do you attack kishin as an office chair, exactly?"

"Oh no," laughed Stein's stalker. "I'm an electric chair Weapon. But the form I take is flexible, just like Tsubaki. We were in the same class." The ray gun/spiral/screw thing in her head made more sense now. But even knowing she was an execution device on a par with Justin Law didn't help Blair's respect for her increase at all (admittedly cats have an inherent difficulty in regards to respect), especially when the girl spat on her palm and tried to scrub off the Sharpie dashes dotting her face. "Have you ever seen Franken's Soul Wavelength attacks? He electrocutes people just like me. Haha."

Blair circled her latest five-minute-wonder a few times. A chair Weapon. You couldn't make this stuff up. "Did you never think you might have more chance getting with Stein using the more traditional flirting techniques, nya? Trust me; I've had loads of guys. I know what works." She twirled a purple lock of hair round one finger.

"Please. He doesn't like the fact that he's got two women fighting over him, you think a third would make him happy?!"

"But you were about to get dissected!" When the hell did Stein get a harem?

The chair fidgeted nervously. "I'm a Weapon. I'm pretty sure I can take on a scalpel."

The cat just had to know. "What on earth do you see in him?"

She blushed instantly. "He has a nice arse," she whispered. Then she caught the insulting look her discoverer was giving her. "Well I don't see Marie getting to hold him 24/7!" snapped the strange woman defensively. "And he's already said he's going to marry me!"

Blair blinked. "You really ARE stupid."

Guestficced by Alliriyan