Author's Notes…
I am in the middle of moving, and I was super busy over Christmas, so that's why this chapter is so late. I'm unsure when I'll be able to update again. Probably not too long. But just in case, making a note about it here. Short chapter because of it. Hope everyone had a good holiday!
Falling for the Enemy
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Wholesome
It was one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world.
"Are you okay?" Rey heard Ben ask from far away.
"Yeah," she listened to herself reply.
She wasn't.
She would be in moments, but right now, she wasn't.
No, right now, she wasn't tethered in her own skin.
"You're not," he said. But he averted his gaze to the window of his side of the car, for which she was eternally grateful.
Another minute passed, by her approximation, before she could breathe steadily again. She swallowed and placed a hand over her heart. She hadn't had that happen in a long time. It made her want to call her therapist, but that was unnecessary. There wasn't anything he could tell her that she hadn't heard before.
"Sorry," she said, shifting in her seat. "Are we close to the airport?"
"We'll be arriving in a few minutes." He cast her a worried glance. "What happened?"
"I—sometimes, when I'm really anxious, I have these… these almost out-of-body experiences. It's called—"
"Depersonalization?"
She wet her lips, surprised. "Yeah. Do you…?"
"Sometimes."
"It's been a while for me," she said. "At least six months. They come and go." They'd been coming and going for years, these tiny episodes where it felt as if she had been transported out of her own skin. And all she could do was observe, trapped in her body, watching events transpire, knowing she was talking, he was talking, but separated from it all.
It made the world narrow down to nothing.
It made life seem pointless.
The universe was so large. They were less than a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things. There were black holes that could swallow their galaxy and still have room for more. There were stars half the size of their solar system and larger. Earth was nothing. Humanity was a race of beings like ants in a colony. Everyone went to work—everyone went to bed. They followed their daily lives without once looking up to see what was beyond their little bubble. And Rey was perched on the outside of a box, staring down at them all.
But then her brain would shove her back inside her body properly, and the anxiety would be gone. The trouble was that she preferred the crushing tightness in her chest to the discomfort of depersonalization. However, it didn't seem as if she had any choice in the matter.
"A lot has happened," Ben stated. "Especially yesterday. Dameron—"
"Yeah," she said, clearing her throat. "But I think it's more that I'm headed to Alderaan with you."
He hesitated. "…Have you changed your mind?"
"No," she said, looking at him. When he didn't seem convinced, she grasped his hand. "No. I want to go. It's a big deal, that's all. I have… trouble with anxiety." Among other things. "It will settle. I promise."
Ben took in Rey's reaction as they walked toward his family's jet. He'd known his grandmother was ailing since the day before, but he hadn't been able to do anything about it with the race. That, and waiting for the jet to arrive from the castle.
Her eyes were so large.
It made him smile a little.
"Come on," he said, gesturing that she go first up the steps.
He was glad the trouble with Elena was behind them. For a moment, he'd feared she would be finished with him. It had been why he was so reluctant to discuss it. There were things in his past that he wasn't proud of. He didn't need them paraded before Rey. She deserved better.
But they'd… communicated. As much as he'd hated to talk about it, it was progress that he had. Even he knew that. It could have gone so much worse.
And what was that, about being kinky? It hounded his curiosity. He wanted to see how kinky she was, exactly—how far he could push the boundaries, what she'd let him do to her. Because there were all sorts of things he would love to do to her.
Their things were being loaded onto the jet, and he guided Rey to one of the comfortable leather chairs. She sat down, drinking everything in. He found himself feeling grateful, lucky—it wasn't the first time. It was still shocking that she wanted to be with him. He wondered if that would ever wear off.
"What do you think?" he asked.
"Impressive," she said honestly. "How long is the flight?"
"Mmm, around five hours or so. Are you hungry?" Despite her reassurances that she was okay after her anxiety episode in the car, he wanted to… care for her. What was the word? He couldn't think of it; it wasn't a regular part of his vocabulary.
"Not right now, but I will be." She smiled.
His heart did a familiar flip at the sight of it.
Comfort. That was it.
He was shit at it. He always had been. The few relationships he'd had, had crumbled into nothing more than ash. But he didn't want that with Rey. He wouldn't be able to stand it. Change was something he'd always resented, but that didn't mean it couldn't be good.
Ben sat across from her and then grasped her hands. He brought them to his lips as he closed his eyes. He kissed her knuckles, one by one, and then the insides of her wrists.
It was only a matter of time before he fucked up. But why not enjoy what they had while it lasted?
Because he knew he would never be enough for her. How could he? He was only half a person. At least, that's how he'd felt in the beginning. It was somewhat different now. She was filling in those places he thought unreachable from the rest of the world. She was doing it so well that it scared him still.
Christ, she was going to meet his parents.
He tugged on her hands, and then she was in his lap.
"I think I should be buckling up," she said, making no effort to move. "What are you thinking about?" She soothed the furrow between his brows. "You have your grumpy face on."
"Do I?" He kissed her. "Because I'm far from grumpy."
She giggled. "I suppose that's just your expression, then—permanently pissed off."
He nipped her lips in revenge, and she laughed harder. When he smiled, she traced his lips with utter fondness in her eyes.
"My stalker," she whispered.
"At your service," he murmured.
And he would be for as long as she would let him.