Hey, guys, 5 more days till our anniversary! Am so excited, I promise you a long, long, cheesy and lemon-ish chapter, tehehe. Lots of love from here! ~xx snuff.
Undiscosed Desires
Chapter 37
-FPOV-
*present*
'Here goes the last cigarette.' I thought, throwing my lighter away on the unfolded bed.
I sighed and watched the generic of 'Pulp Fiction' for the sixth time that evening. I only had three cans of beer left and I was annoyed as fuck. I wanted to get drunk or/and high but I couldn't do shit about it, remembering the promises that I had made to Haley such long time ago and her loving sincere eyes that searched my disgusting and ravished face that night.
Oh, God.
"Wonderful girl! Either I'm going to kill her or I'm starting to like her."
Well, I was worried sick. I did strongly feel my part of guilt too. It was ripping me from my insides, clawing my skin open with ice-cold blue blood which dripped upon the holes of my fingers that she had the habit of filling with such warmth.
My head rested on a couch-pillow which shared her scent. I leaned in, inhaling, delighting myself by lingering on this particular trail of hers, closing my eyelids and letting myself driven. Overcame.
"Finn?" she called, caressing my forehead. I followed her scent and warmth, blinded.
"Hey, are you okay?" she murmured. "Oh, Finn, you smoked way too much, again. And where did all the bottles of beer go?"
I mumbled an answer which was as close to "sorry" as it was to "you're beautiful". I tried not to touch her, but ended spread on the beige carpet which laid on the living-room floor. I remembered the day when we chose it, along with the small retouches that we both wanted, how she talked me out of buying the Lord of the Rings carpet I found online.
She. Always so warm and sweet. In my mind, even through my clingiest and dizziest thoughts, I saw her as 'she'. I didn't need any other explanations, nor clarifications. It was only a 'she' that I could think of and it was her. Haley, who always accepted me and my faults and the fault in my (our) stars.
She was genuine.
"Finn. There, there, I'm here. Sorry for…earlier."
I mumbled a 'you don't have what to apologize for' and tried to take her hand. I managed to rest my head in her lap and nuzzled closer.
She kneeled next to me and started caressing my hair. "Ssh.", she murmured. "I'm here."
I woke up in our bed, curled up against Haley, with my leg between hers and my arms wrapped up tightly around her waist.
I narrowed my eyes, relaxed and nuzzled back, wrapping myself in her warmth.
"Hey.", she whispered quietly, crawling closer and clinging her hands in my hair. "I'm sorry." I kissed her cheeks, pecked her lips and started chewing on her bottom one, sneaking my hand in her blouse, cupping her right breast. "Sweetheart.", I murmured.
She was melting around me, her soft moans forming a pearly delicacy.
"Where were you?" I rolled over, my arm draped around her shoulders.
"Here and there." she murmured, turning her attention to my left hand, kissing, sucking and slowly biting my fingers.
Her answer seemed so distant, too distant, tearing her away from me rather aggressively, bits by bits.
"There and here." I answered with a bitter salty taste in my mouth. She sighed and turned her head, managing to hold my gaze.
"I – ran around." she managed.
"Cool.", I rolled my eyes and shifted to my side of bed.
"Finn…"
I plucked a cigarette in my mouth and started searching for my lighter, whilst switching TV channels.
"I don't like it when you smoke in here." she whispered as I lit it up.
"Cry, cry." I returned, taking a drag.
"Finn…"
"Haley…" I mocked.
"C'mon, we've talked about this."
"Have we now."
"Fuck's sake, Finn."
"Go here and there if you don't like it." She hissed as if she had just been stabbed and I chuckled. "Sorry, babe, we can go back to fucking."
She spanked me and I laughed. "I love it when you're mad at me like that." I went on, flashing my crooked smile to her.
"Fine.", she spat and stood up, shrugging her shirt back on and reaching for her jeans.
"Geez, Haley, do you want to do this all over again?"
"Apparently."
I rose and reached for her, but she backed away. I sighed. "You annoy the fuck out of me, Haley." I managed to get the grip of her and pushed her back on bed.
"Get off…" she stammered and I pushed myself over her, dominating her tiny figure. She started crying while kicking my chest and shoulders.
"I hate you!" she squeaked.
"Oh, that makes both of us, darling, see, another thing we've got in common."
"That we both hate you or that we both hate each other?"
She was quite calm then, trying to catch her breath and watching me under her eyelashes.
"Both."
She sketched a smile and wrapped her arms around my neck. We both sighed and I sunk in. She kissed my neck. "We're horrible." she murmured.
"We're terrific."
"What kind of hatred do you say we have?"
"A lovable one."
"That's nice."
"You're nice. Even when stubborn and all."
We paused.
"You need to trust me more, you know." she said.
"Same goes to you."
"Not the same. Jealousy is controllable in my petty case."
"Oh, is jealousy under your dignity, Miss I-Know-You've-Fucked-Marina-Don't-Even-Dare-Try-to-Poison-Me-With-the-Truth?"
"At least I don't go psycho like others."
"Jealousy is natural." I rolled my eyes.
"So is make up sex." I added.
"I know it doesn't really have any link to all of these, or maybe it does, maybe it's linked to everything, to me, to my faults and to ours, but, I just, the thing is, I feel like we're simply standing. Pausing. A constant wait and twist for something else that lingers not to come. What if… Do you find this boring?"
"What is 'this'? Life, us? There are endless bores for me, sweetheart, before explicit."
"I just – I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm referring to. It's just – do you feel empty? Not completely, but bits of you, straddled with a dusty emptiness. It kills me."
"Do you need more?"
"No. I don't know what I need. Everything's enough for me, though. It could be quite perfect, actually, seen from another perspective."
"But something's missing."
"No, it's like a hole which used to be filled. Or was never filled, maybe that's the problem."
"Like you're floating." I murmured.
"Yes! Floating dizzily, because I pass through complete contempt to a simple but expansive emptiness which is like a sadistic hunger that doesn't meet its end."
"Maybe I'm bipolar." she ended, sighing.
"It's natural." I repeated, taking her hand and clinging our fingers together. "I understand, I'm not mad at you for earlier. I know you can love me through your emptiness which maybe just need time."
"If it's permanent, I think I can handle it. Maybe I should fall in love with it."
"Maybe you should. But don't think of replacing the spot of my love with that thing, you know I can get really jealous." I chuckled.
"I won't.", she said, serious. "Just don't leave."
"You know I won't."
We contemplated each other in a smooth silence, caressing our skins.
"Do you want me to tell you something nice?" I smiled.
"Surprisingly, I really do crave for niceys."
"We fed off each other, taking off our cloth of deceiving nature. I told you I was the wild, wild dreams you suppressed and denied, but forgot to mention that you were the chilling and lovely ideals stuck in my head. My complete and complementary beauty."
"That's really sweet." she smiled.
"I know."
"Oh, Finn, really now, stop with the self-loathe."
"Well, one of us has to be confident."
"Over-confident."
"Shh."
"Kiss me and stay." she pleaded.
I obeyed.
"You know, you wouldn't think."
"What?" she asked, breathing against the crook of my neck.
"That after all this time, I'd still be fascinated by you."
She blushed and shrugged her hair over her burning cheeks.
"Am I confusing the heartbreaker?" she giggled coyly.
"You so are."
"Sorry for, you know."
"I'm also sorry."
"Well, we do deserve each other."
"Oh, I have to ask you something."
"Mmm?"
"Later."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"Sweetheart?" I started, taking opportunity of the generic of Girls on HBO, with which she had been in love with for the last couple of months. Oh, I couldn't wait for Game of Thrones to come up next.
Haley nuzzled closer in answer.
"I know it's probably a bad time, but do you want to go over to Liam's?"
"Uhm, right now?"
"Kinda."
"Sure, I guess. But why?"
"Uhm."
"Finn."
"It kind of is, uhm, Marina's way of celebrating her promo-"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
I hope it's okay and you guys find it acceptable. Anyhow, see you on the 27th! Yayayayay. ~xx snuff.