Disclaimer: One Tree Hill, Nathan, Haley, and the others belong to Mark Schwahn, Warner Bros, The CW, etc..
Note: I know, there was a wait again. Sorry about that. As excited as I've been to write, the time to do it hasn't been there and I want to make sure I write a good chapter for you guys instead of just rushing through it. Thanks for the kind reviews! You guys are great!
WARNING: CHAPTER RATING WILL CHANGE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.
Just like the day before when she was waiting for Nathan, Haley felt the butterflies in her stomach. She didn't want to be nervous about dinner with Nathan tonight, but she couldn't help it. She'd spent a good amount of time that morning staring at her closet, trying to decide what she should wear that night. She would have just enough time after work to go home and get ready before picking up Nathan. She wanted to look nice. She wanted this to be a new beginning for them. Just as she had the day before, she was finding it difficult to concentrate on work. She was grateful for the distraction when Lucas walked into her office.
"Peyton's at a meeting with another producer," she told him, explaining Peyton's absence.
"Oh, damn. I was hoping to hang out with her while Nathan's at therapy."
"She's been gone for a couple of hours now, so I don't think she'll be much longer. Go ahead and wait if you want."
Lucas looked at his watch, shrugged, and then took a seat.
"When do you have to go get him?"
"I have about two hours."
Haley chewed on her lip. It seemed like Nathan was really working hard with his therapy.
Lucas looked at Haley and could tell she was thinking about Nathan. She must have been since they had just mentioned him.
"Once, when we were in high school, the team was having a bad night. I mean, a really bad night. I wasn't playing because I broke my arm. The team just wasn't delivering."
Haley looked up at Lucas as he spoke, wondering where this story was going.
"Except for Nathan. As always, he was the best one out there. Nathan was playing like a pro all night. It wasn't enough, though. It wasn't enough to beat Oak Lake. He scored twenty-two points with very little help from the other guys. It happens, you know. Sometimes you're just off your game.
"But I remember. I was sitting on the bench and a few rows up from the stands I could hear him yelling at Nathan throughout the entire game. Dan. Nathan was easily the best player out there. He was playing really well, but Dan was yelling at him for the team not winning. Like it was Nathan's fault.
"I know it wasn't the first time Dan did this and it definitely wasn't the last time. Nathan and I weren't close then. I didn't even like the guy then. But, I felt bad for him. I wanted to stand up for him, but I knew it would make it worse.
"He's confident. He can be a cocky son of a bitch, we both know that. But we both also know that if he feels like he isn't his best, he can be really insecure. Dan did a real number on him, Hales. Nathan's away from him now, but sometimes he's still an influence."
Haley nodded. She tried picturing in her head exactly what Lucas was describing. Lucas was right; they both knew that Nathan could be vulnerable. Haley could imagine how Nathan must have felt, trying so hard and being told he wasn't good enough. She couldn't fathom a parent doing that to their child.
"He's, um, he's working really hard," Haley stated.
"He's been stoic and determined. Stoic is a new one for Nathan. He's not going back to what he was last week, Hales. I can feel it."
"I really hope so, Luke."
"You'll see. You two will be back to normal in no time and it'll be like nothing happened."
"That's easier said than done."
Lucas didn't answer Haley. He knew Haley would say something like that. Relationships took work. He knew how much how much they were both hurting without each other, too. He noticed that both of their moods had picked up in the past forty-eight hours. Anyone who knew them could tell the difference.
"Why?" He looked at her and lightly scratched his head.
"Why what?" Haley wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"Why is it easier said than done? I don't get it. I mean, I do. Kind of. I don't know what he did to make you stop coming around the house. I don't know what happened that made him turn things around and work on his recovery. I'm sure if it's causing these trust issues, it must have been big. I don't know. I just think that you two love each other so much that maybe it should be as easily done as it is said. It's none of my business. He doesn't want to talk about it and he seems ashamed of it. I just hate seeing this gap between you two. Especially when neither of you wants it there."
Haley didn't answer, because she didn't know how. A part of her did think that maybe it should be that easy. She just couldn't get that look on Sam's face when Nathan threw that bottle out of her head.
"You look nervous," Brooke observed, walking into Haley's bedroom later that day.
Haley cocked her head as Brooke and Peyton walked in. She hadn't expected them for another hour or so. She'd just showered and was doing her hair before her date.
"How can you tell I look nervous? I'm doing my hair."
"We've known you for twenty years," Peyton explained.
"Thank you for watching Sam tonight," Haley thanked them.
"Oh, please. We love spending time with him. I'm also excited about this date of yours. I don't know what happened to make Boy Toy get his act together, but it's about time."
Haley didn't know if she wanted to tell them about the bottle and Sam. It didn't paint Nathan in a very flattering light. Peyton and Brooke were both incredibly protective of Haley and Sam. If they knew what had happened, they'd think less of him. Given the self-esteem issues Nathan had been experiencing lately, he didn't need anyone thinking less of him.
Haley continued doing her hair, avoiding answering them. She looked in the reflection of the mirror of the master bathroom. Brooke and Peyton were both standing there, but Peyton wasn't looking at Haley. She had a slight scowl on her face as she stared down at the carpet. Haley knew that look.
"Peyton, what do you know?"
"Wait, why does Peyton know something I don't know? What's going on?" Brooke looked to Peyton, then Haley.
Peyton sighed. She turned and went to sit on the edge of Haley's bed. "Your hair looks great," she told Haley.
"Peyton." Haley had perfected that warning tone with Sam.
"Okay. Earlier this week, I went with Lucas to see Nathan. Lucas had to run out for a bit, so it was just the two of us. I noticed him looking worse than usual and I also noticed the smell. You mentioned the smell."
"The smell?"
Haley hadn't told Brooke about the smell of alcohol. She didn't want Brooke to be hurt that she'd told Peyton and not her. Haley took a deep breath before she spoke. "A few months after I was raped, Peyton brought home a bottle of something. I think it was vodka. My therapist had told me that if something was bothering me, that I should say something. So, I asked Peyton to throw it out because the smell of alcohol reminded me of Damien. He was drunk that night and the smell was strong."
Brooke's mouth opened a bit. "So, Nathan's drinking…"
"He didn't remind me of Damien. Not really. I just smell a lot of alcohol and I remember that night."
"Of course. Peyton told me back then that we should keep less alcohol in the apartment. I just didn't know why."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Brooke."
"Haley, don't worry about it."
"Thanks." Haley bit her lip. In recounting her story to Brooke she nearly forgot that Peyton was in the middle of telling them something. "Peyton, what did you do?"
"Haley, someone needed to tell him what he was doing to you."
"Peyton, what did you say to him? Tell me everything."
"I told him about the smell of alcohol. I told him that as bad as he was, I'd seen worse when I saw you after the attack. Then he told me about the bottle."
Haley couldn't believe what she was hearing. She couldn't believe that Peyton had done that. She was relieved that Nathan knew about the rape and that there were no secrets between them. But, she also partly wished that he didn't have to know about that ugly, painful piece of her past. Now he knew just the extent of what had happened, apparently. He knew that Damien had hit her, because she had explained the scar. She still didn't want him to have to picture just how bad she had looked afterward.
When Peyton and Brooke had brought her home from the hospital, Haley had showered. She needed to get clean. She needed to do whatever she could to get the previous night off of her. After she stepped out of the shower, when she was wrapped in a towel, she had studied her reflection in the mirror. She had looked closely at the stitches on her lip. She had looked at the angry color of her eye. She had looked at her eye, which was swollen shut. She wasn't going to forget what she had looked like. She knew that Brooke, Peyton, and her parents were never going to forget it.
That was before Haley had known that Damien had left lasting, permanent, physical evidence of what he had done to her. She thought the physical evidence of his brutality would be temporary. Her bruises and cuts would heal and the memory would be all that was left. It wasn't, she realized, once she found out that Sam was on the way. As her pregnancy progressed, she came to realize he wasn't going to be a reminder of what had happened, but of what could be. That made all the difference in the world.
Knowing about the bruises, knowing about the pain and the scar in a way that he hadn't known before, Haley now wondered if Nathan would look at her differently. He never had before. When she confessed everything about her past to him, he didn't treat her any differently than he had before he knew. He continued to treat her like he loved her. The only time that he treated her like she had been a victim was when he pushed her away after his accident, not wanting her to suffer more than she already had. Now Haley wondered about how he was reacting now that he knew this. Was this why he came back to her? Was it just because Peyton had made him feel guilty and had compared him to her rapist?
"I wish you hadn't done that, Peyton." Haley didn't know what else to say to her best friend. She knew Peyton was looking out for her, but she felt this was stepping out of bounds.
"I'm sorry, Haley. I just didn't want to see you hurting anymore."
"I know. I know you were looking out for me." Haley turned her attention back to her hair, but her thoughts were on Nathan. She wanted to ask him if Peyton's conversation with him is what made him start working on his recovery. She wanted to know if he was doing it just because he felt guilty. She didn't know how to bring it up. Should she do it when she picked him up? Should she do it during dinner? No. She knew she couldn't do it during dinner. This was definitely a conversation that needed to be carried on in private.
"I'll get it," Brooke announced.
Haley turned around, then heard it again. Her doorbell was ringing. "Thanks, Brooke."
Brooke left, leaving Peyton and Haley in one of the few awkward silences of their friendship.
"I'm not going to sit back and let someone hurt you, Haley. I've seen you hurt before and if I can keep it from happening again, I will. I know Brooke feels the same way."
"This is different, Peyton. This is a lot different."
"Your date is here," Brooke told Haley as she came back.
"How? I'm supposed to pick him up." Haley set down her brush. She wrapped her robe around her and walked downstairs. Sure enough, Nathan was sitting in the living room.
"I was coming to get you," she stated.
Nathan immediately stood up, although he did it slowly. He leaned on one crutch, leaving the other resting against the arm of the sofa.
Nathan looked at her. She was in her robe. It came just to mid-thigh. Her feet were bare and her hair was loosely curled. She hadn't put any makeup on yet.
"You look beautiful," he told her. He hopped forward, using one crutch.
"I'm not even ready yet," she protested. "And what are you doing? Relax your knee, Nathan."
"I'm fine and you look beautiful. These are for you," he held out his hand, a bouquet of small purple flowers in it.
"I'll put them in water."
Nathan turned back for his other crutch, then followed her to the kitchen.
"It just felt kinda weird," he explained. "I used to be the one to pick you up. So, I thought I'd come here. And I left a little early because I didn't want to miss you if you left for my house."
"I haven't even done my makeup yet."
"You look beautiful," he said for a third time.
"Quit trying to butter me up." She smiled as she arranged the flowers in a small vase. "I won't be much longer."
Haley looked at him. He stood in the middle of her kitchen. He wore khaki pants and a light blue button down. The sleeves were rolled up, exposing his forearms. He leaned on his crutches and though he may have been uncomfortable, a contented smile was on his lips. Haley thought back to what Peyton had told him. Looking at him, seeing those beautiful blue eyes of his looking so hopeful, she decided to wait until after dinner to talk to him. She had to talk to him that night, though. She made him promise to be honest, so she had to do the same. She was dreading that discussion, but she was looking forward to their date.
She also remembered what Lucas had told her earlier. Why couldn't it be that easy? Why couldn't she and Nathan get back to where they were before the accident? Haley didn't know. She didn't know what was holding her back. But, she didn't want to be held back. She wanted the man who was standing on one foot in front of her. As she was leaving the kitchen, she stopped in front of him. Gently, she placed both hands on both of his shoulders. She stood on tip toe, because even hunched over crutches, he was taller than she was, and lightly brushed her lips against his cheek. She felt the hair of his beard tickle her lips and she smiled against his cheek.
Nathan watched as she walked back upstairs to get ready. He watched as her hips swayed and her robe with them. She was a klutz. He'd seen her walk into things and trip countless times. But even with that, there was a grace about her that he couldn't describe. Maybe if he was a writer like Lucas he'd be able to, but he couldn't. She had kissed him. It was the first physical contact she had initiated since he started focusing on his recovery. With that one kiss, Nathan couldn't help but think that this night was going to go well.
Nathan watched as Haley nervously tapped her finger on the steering wheel. The warm night air was coming in through the open windows. They were stopped at a traffic signal and Haley kept her eyes on the light. Nathan reached over to her. His hand covered hers, stopping the tapping. He gently took her hand in his, just holding it.
He had noticed during dinner that she seemed nervous about something. He wanted to ask her about it. He knew he could. They were being honest about everything. Every small detail, they were being honest about. She seemed to be deliberately voiding her nerves as much as she could, so he decided to wait. If he had to wait, he would ask her when they got to his house.
"Thank you for coming to dinner with me tonight."
She smiled. She left her hand in his. She'd missed the warmth of his hands more than she realized. She'd missed how perfectly her small hands fit in his large, capable hands. She quickly looked down at their fingers laced together before turning her attention back to the light. She gave his hand a small squeeze.
"You know, I could have come to get you."
"It felt weird. I'd usually come get you or I'd already be at the house."
"You can't keep taking cabs everywhere."
"Especially since I'm unemployed," he said with a smile.
She turned her head and looked at him sadly.
"It's okay. I'm trying to get used to the idea. Anyway," he changed the subject back, "I can just have Lucas bring me over."
"Or, you could wait for me to come get you."
Nathan decided to take a chance. "Does that mean we get to do this again?"
Haley sighed. "Nathan, of course we do. I'm still your girlfriend. We're just working on getting back to where we were before this. We're not starting from scratch."
Nathan felt a weight leave his shoulders. He lifted their hands and brought them to his lips. He kissed her small hand, smiling.
Again, he decided to take a chance. "So, when you drop me off, what are the chances of you coming in for a little bit to tell me what's been bothering you?"
Haley had one hand still on the steering wheel and again began tapping her finger. "Am I that obvious?"
"I know you, Hales. I could tell something was going on all night."
Haley nodded. The light turned green and she took her foot off of the brake and began driving. "Okay. We'll talk when we get to the house."
She had wanted to talk to him about this somewhere private. A big part of her was glad that he had noticed. Dinner had been nice. It had felt like it used to and she was grateful for that. She kept thinking about what Lucas had said. It had felt like they really were getting back to normal.
She was still thinking about that as she pulled up to his house. She drove the car along the slightly winding driveway, which was obscured by a variety of tall shrubs. She stopped the car in front of the house, and smiled at him, getting out of the car.
When they'd gotten in the restaurant hours earlier, she had rushed to the passenger side of the car, thinking she could help him out of the car. He had told her he could do it himself. It took him a few extra seconds, but he managed it. Again, Haley went to his side of the car. As she got to him, she'd found that he'd already opened the door and had one leg out. He stood on the leg, using his crutches and the door of the car for balance. Haley stood by, in case he needed assistance.
"If you need help, Nathan, ask."
"I will. I'm gonna ask for help if I need it."
They walked inside the house. It wasn't lost on either of them that this was the first time Haley had been back there since the day Nathan had thrown the bottle at the wall. They stood next to each other in the hallway. Nathan momentarily let go of his crutch and took Haley's hand in his.
"Do you want a water?"
"I'm fine," she answered.
"You know, you don't have to tell me what's going on if you don't want to." Nathan wanted them to be honest with each other, but he also wanted her to know that he wasn't going to push her. He always wanted her to know that. He'd never push her into anything she wasn't ready for.
"No, we should talk."
Nathan was a little nervous. He was so worried he would do something to permanently end his relationship with Haley.
"Why don't we go to the den," he suggested.
Even though they didn't spend much time at Nathan's house, Haley still knew where everything was. She stepped aside to let him go first, but he wouldn't allow that. With a smile, he insisted she go on ahead of him.
Walking into the den, Haley noticed the pillows and blanket on the sofa.
"What happened to the living room?"
"Change of scenery, I guess. That sofa is actually more comfortable. Go ahead and sit down."
Haley sat, smoothing out her skirt as she did so. Nathan lowered himself onto the sofa. He placed a throw pillow on the coffee table and propped his knee up.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Hales. It's just good to keep it elevated." They sat in silence. "What's going on?"
Haley looked at him. She began fiddling with the ring on her pinky finger. "Peyton told me that she talked to you."
Nathan hadn't expected that. It hadn't crossed his mind that he and Haley would be talking about the conversation he'd had with Peyton.
"I just, I know how protective Peyton can be and I also know how she can get if she's angry, so I'm sorry she did that."
"I'm not," Nathan interrupted her.
"You're not?"
"No. I was about to get off my ass and work to get you back anyway, but I needed to hear what she said. I needed to have some sense slapped into me. Literally, I guess."
Haley's eyes widened. "Did she hit you?"
Nathan winced. "Um."
"Nathan."
"Yeah. She's just looking out for you, Hales."
"She shouldn't have done that. And I don't want you to feel like you need to do this because you owe me something."
"Stop," he ordered. "Haley, I'm working on my recovery, because you left and I realized I really could lose everything. I'm going to do everything I can for that not to happen. I'm not getting better because I feel guilty. I'm doing it because I don't want to lose what's most important to me. I do feel guilty. But losing you and Sam, that's the big thing here."
Haley looked at him. As with everything he'd told her in the past couple of days, he seemed to be nothing but sincere. She had to believe him.
"I'm sorry she told you about the alcohol and… and how I looked after."
"I'm more sorry you had to go through that. I don't want you to be hurt. I'm sorry I hurt you." He lowered his head and closed his eyes. The last thing he ever wanted was to cause her more pain than she'd already been through.
"Nathan, you've never reminded me of him. Ever. I've told you that before and it's still true. You are nothing like him. You couldn't hurt me the same way he did. You can hurt me. But, that's because I love you so much. I know you'd never do it on purpose. At least not again. And I do know that even though it doesn't make much sense that you hurt me to try and protect me. I know that."
"I love you, Hales. That won't change."
"I love you, too."
"I'm glad you told me what was bothering you."
"Complete honesty, right? It goes both ways."
They sat and talked for a few more minutes. Haley had to get home to Sam, though. He was still grounded and she wasn't sure what kind of fun Brooke and Peyton were letting him have without her there. Haley told Nathan not to walk her out, but he did it anyway. He stood leaning on his crutches at her window after she got into her car. He leaned in and she met him half way, kissing him.
"Thank you for coming to dinner with me."
"I had a really great time. I was thinking, actually. Maybe tomorrow instead of Lucas driving you to therapy that Sam and I could do it?"
Nathan's face lit up and a smile covered his face. "Yeah? That would be great."
"What time do you have to be there?"
"Nine."
"Okay. We'll be here. Goodnight, Nathan. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Note: Again, thank you for reading and reviewing! Like I said above, the rating of the story will change to M for the next chapter. That doesn't mean that things progress to that level in the next chapter. It just means it's coming. I want you guys to be prepared and able to find the story once it does.