37
"What do you need?" Jack asked as he laid the baby in Ianto's arms and tucked the covers around them, 3am was way too early and he knew her routine was upset.
Ianto didn't answer just pulled the covers higher and watched her suckle inside the wee cave he had created, her little eyes boring into him as she seemed to ask the same question.
"I'm tired" Ianto said softly.
"what can I do for you love?" Jack asked again.
"I'm tired of fighting" Ianto sighed, his head falling back and Jack felt the twist in his gut as he saw how bloody tired Ianto really was. He was about to speak when Ianto did "I would like…"
Jack leaned forward.
"I would like to be the one that is fought for" Ianto fished still looking at his daughter as he stroked her hair. "That day in the Hub, when you looked at me and turned to Gwen, choosing. Gods, you chose me. I won. Like…I still remember that moment of sheer bliss. You wanted me. Me. The dull boy."
"Oh Ianto" Jack groaned with sorrow, he had been remiss lately hadn't he "You are not dull. You snort when you laugh and I have to laugh too. You see the things I miss and you don't complain about it, you forgive my brain farts and are so bloody wonderful to make love to. With. You are the colours in my box of crayons, all the colours. Dull? There is no such thing in this life. Not with you. I am so sorry I forgot to tell you that, so sorry I've been distracted. I love you because life is never dull."
Ianto looked up, finally making eye contact, "Really?"
"Babe, you have given me three little monsters that are so brilliant, different to one another and crazy as batshit!" Jack laughed, "Did you see our son this evening in his ensemble? He wore bloody gardening gloves to the table so he could drink the hot chocolate before the mug cooled. I mean, clever right? Nuts, but so clever. I wonder what sort of child you were, what sort of child you might have been if your fahter had been as wonderful as you."
Ianto smiled softly, "Jack, I … I know you are trying, please. I know you are. You're being wonderful about this, I feel so stupid and such a failure."
"Ianto. Look at me" Jack whispered, "Hey."
Ianto looked up again, this time the lip was in wobble mode so Jack sucked it in and kissed him lovingly, "Ianto. Don't cry, I will die a little more if you cry. You know I will."
Ianto smiled bravely.
"Ianto you are not a candle. Don't burn yourself out to give us light, it's OK" Jack soothed, slipping into he bed and cradling Ianto as their daughter blinked up at them "I love you. You. Not the You that you try to be, the real you hidden in there peering out at the world thinking they don't see you. I do. I see you and you are beautiful. OK?"
Ianto smiled as he pouted for a kiss and Jack leaned on, revelling in the fact he had pleased his poor mate, gods he still felt like shit for not recognising Ianto's pain.
"Line?"
"Line." Jack agreed, gathering the sleepy baby and putting her back in her little crib, "Go to sleep love. The boys will wake you for their goodbye kiss for school."
Ianto settled in the bed and let himself drift as Jack tucked them both in, a little sniffle in the crib letting them know she was fine too.
Funny isn't it?
You can be feeling like utter shit. Like…the world had lost it's mojo or something. The stars have been turned off and you are in this dark place full of broken butterfly wings getting crushed under your feet like broken dreams, thinking there will never be any beauty again and then you remember that there is still someone who loves you. Sees you and loves you anyway.
Butterflies can fly once more.
Ianto can sleep.
.
.
..
We are coming out on the other side of the black, pinholes of light here folks. I know no one likes to see Ianto less than strong and competent but a lot of us feel broken or stupid sometimes, especially after a baby. He will be OK, it's not about shaking it off, its about letting it be.
Poor Jack is doing the best he can, I think they are OK now.
Owen to the rescue again, eh?
Love that little prick.