A/N: Sorry for the long wait, guys. I really, truly, am. Writers block is tough, and school's been pretty rough on me the past few months.
As you've probably noticed, my way of defeating writer's block is to switch perspectives. And I tried both Jacob and Leah and what I wrote came out extremely boring. So this is what I've got for you.
Seth Clearwater is probably one of my favorite characters after Jacob and Leah. And my Seth is a little different than a lot of other people's. My Seth is a little angsty and a lot sensitive so please don't pick on him. If you do, both Leah and I get pretty mama bear over him, so...
Ha ha I kid. Maybe.
Seth Clearwater
My life is going pretty well at the moment. I really have nothing to complain about. No pack drama to speak of, no crazy redhead vamps coming to attack Forks, Bella wasn't carrying any freaky vampire hybrids that were breaking her from the inside out, and the Italian vampires hadn't made contact with the Cullens since the night of the almost-battle. The crazy phasing in La Push has come to a complete stand-still, and the pack division isn't quite settled yet, but at the moment there's no reason to start any fights. Things have been pretty quiet since all of that went down. Nothing bad has happened, anyway.
The only thing that's happened that's caused any kind of negative controversy is Jacob breaking his imprint. This news wreaked havoc on every member of both packs that had imprinted and the imprintees themselves. Sam most of all, though. And his thoughts were kind of scary in the beginning. In the beginning, he was tormenting himself, saying that if he was strong enough earlier on, he could've broken his imprint on Emily to be with Leah and none of this mess would've ever occurred. Embry told me he even caught Sam thinking that he would do it now. That got me angry. How dare he even think that he's good enough for Leah? Embry calmed me down, saying that even if he did, Leah would just bitch-slap him into an oblivion and send him back to Emily, Nicole, and Derrick. It made me laugh, because what Embry said sounded pretty much spot on.
And I'd recovered from my little rebellious stage that I'd gone through a couple of weeks ago. That's not to say that I'm not still entirely pissed off, but I realized that without the pack, I'm just what they say I am. A kid. A young kid who has never been outside the Washington state border. I wouldn't make it a week out there on my own. Especially now since that damn vampire had to just come and take a chomp on my leg.
Even thinking about my own stupidity and arrogance on that day makes me angry with myself. I remember I was upset with Sam and the rest of the pack. I thought they were underestimating me. I was on patrol alone, because that's what we do now that there's nothing around. One person to watch the reservation just in case. Howl for back-up if you catch anything.
I'd decided that I could take one vamp on my own. Her scent was weak, meaning she hadn't fed in a while, and she wasn't particularly strong. I'd convinced myself that I could take her by myself. I'd prove to them that I could handle myself just fine.
I'd traced her scent until I caught up with her. We fought like usual, I'd thought I'd had the upper hand, pinning her to the ground and snapping my teeth at her neck. That's until I got a look at her face. Even with her unfamiliar red eyes, Bella's face appeared instead of hers. Then Alice's, then Esme's, and Rosalie's. It distracted me for a second, because I couldn't kill one of the Cullens. The Cullens were my friends. And that moment of hesitation is what did me in. The vampire took advantage of my pause, and took a snap at my leg.
The pain of the venom was excruciating. Once I realized what had happened, I knew I was going to die. I thought of all my friends, my family. My mom, who was finally starting to find happiness again, with Charlie. I prayed that they would be happy, and that this wouldn't hurt her too much. Leah, my beloved big sister who I hadn't seen in a year and a half- I hoped she was happy, wherever she was and whatever she was doing. Jacob- for tolerating my hero worship for years, then becoming one of my best friends. Edward- for always trusting me and believing in me, and fighting for my life that one day on the cliff. My dad, well, I'd see him soon enough.
I let out a howl that didn't sound like my own. This was it. I was going to die here. Thanks to my own stupidity.
Dying is strange thing. A scary thing. Because when it hits you, and you know it's coming, you do everything in your power to believe that it isn't true. But then again, you know it is. And you realize that there are no second chances. That everything you've ever done, everything you've ever loved, everything you've ever stood for and believed in...all led up to this. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter how many girls you've kissed- which would be none, in my case, or how much pain you suffered or didn't suffer, or many A's you got on your report card. Because when you die, all you see is your mistakes. You see every single chance you didn't take, or the people you let slip away. And after all that, you see the one face of the one person who truly matters to you. And I saw Leah before it all went black.
When I woke up, the first thing I remember is confusion. Everything was white around me. Was this heaven? Was I finally going to be able to see my dad? But then I heard familiar voices that brought me back down to Earth.
"Seth! Seth, man, are you awake?" Jake's frantic voice was the first thing I comprehended. Why was he screaming? I clutched my forehead- it felt like someone was beating it with a hammer. I turned my head, searching for him, but he wasn't near me. Was I in wolf form? I lifted my human hand, and sighed. What the hell is going on?
"Jacob, quieter, please. Seth?" a different voice called, farther away than Jake was. Or maybe it wasn't as loud because they weren't screeching at the top of their lungs. It took me a while, but I finally put a face to the voice. Edward.
"Jake? Edward? What's going on?" I asked, my eyes finally focusing out of a blurry haze. I sat up further, and my stomach lurched. I wrapped one arm around myself, and clutched my forehead with the other. Everything hurt. Everything was sore.
"Seth, dude, are you okay?"
"Are you in pain, Seth?"
"What happened to you?"
"Can you recall?"
"You should call your mom before she flips shit at me." Jake and Edward took turns throwing out suggestions and questions at me without giving me a chance to speak.
"Stop!" I said, holding up the arm that was clutching my stomach. "Just give me a second, okay?" Jacob and Edward muttered apologies, and looked at the ground. The silence helped my throbbing headache. The pain started to slowly subside as the minutes passed. Both Edward and Jacob remained standing by my side. I finally recognized where I was. I was at the Cullen's house- in the same room that Nessie was born. Oh, perfect. How fitting.
"Okay, before you start springing questions on me, can you tell me what happened?" Edward and Jacob glanced and each other before looking back to me.
"I would think it would be more appropriate for you, Jacob," Edward said quietly. Geez. What could have possibly happened to me?
And in that moment, it all came back. The scent. The vamp. The fight. The pain. The blackness. More pain. Death. I looked up at my alpha, and sighed.
"I'm sorry," I muttered.
Looking back now, I don't know if I should have apologized. If they hadn't treated me like a kid, then I wouldn't have gone running off searching for trouble. But if I hadn't been so full of it...well, there wouldn't be a crescent shaped bite mark on my leg.
Now I have an obvious white scar on my calf that hasn't so much as faded since the attack. The incident is almost forgotten, except for Carlisle, who asks to look at it every few months. He sees no change, and then goes back to whatever he does day after day. And except for me who has to struggle if I want to walk more than two miles down the road to the beach, or Sam's house, or Jake's. I know that most normal people wouldn't notice the limp. Mom didn't. Charlie didn't. Leah sure didn't. But it was there. And each step reminded me that I would never be good enough.
I acted like it didn't bother me. That I didn't care that my own inability to think like a wolf and not care that I was shredding a vamp to pieces had me sitting at home every time a vampire came around. Why couldn't I just not care about killing?
The worst part is, I know exactly why I can't be like the rest of them.
I care too much. I always have and always will. About everything and everyone. I give my love away like it means nothing to me, and people take advantage of it. Who was the one that made friends with the Cullens? Who was the only one to talk to Bella after the fight with the new borns? Who was the one that put their life on the line to save her? Who was the one that actually went and looked for Jacob after he ran away, and fought as hard as he could against the alpha command to stay home? Who was the one who didn't judge Bella for actually wanting to keep her baby? Who was the one that cried the night Leah left town with only a note telling me not to miss her?
Oh yeah, me.
No good deed goes unpunished, apparently.
The sound of Emily's voice pulls me back to the present, and I sigh.
"Seth, I don't mean to rush you out, but it's eleven thirty..."
"No, I get it. Thanks for dinner, Emily," I say, and my voice sounds dead, even to me.
"You okay?" she asks, genuinely concerned. I look down at her scarred face, smile, and nod. I'm really good at faking happiness. I've been doing it ever since Leah fell into her depression.
I walk out the door, thanking Emily again. The door closes behind me, and I sigh, looking at the front porch stairs that led to the driveway. Stairs. The one real pain that I could never get away from. I wince as I race down as fast as I can, ignoring the burning as I walk to the car. It's mom's car, really. She spends so much time with Charlie nowadays that she never really uses it.
As I shove the key into the ignition, I think about Leah. How glad I am that she's back. How amazing my niece is. It makes me smile, so I continue thinking about it. Jayme is...there's really no way to describe it. There's something about her. But my thoughts retreat, because I can't help thinking about it. How even in Emily's warm kitchen with the friends that have turned into family, I'm still very much alone. Because Sam has Emily, Paul has Rachel, Jared has Kim, Quil has Claire, and Embry has Jayme. Everyone is so happily paired together, and then there's me. The eleventh wheel.
Story of my life.
It seems like the one who is most quick to love is the one who is denied it. It's all I want. I don't care if it's through imprinting or just falling in love the normal way. I want someone to love. Someone to love me back.
As I approach the house, I hear familiar voices. Leah's voice. Jacob's voice. Their laughter. They've been together so much lately, I'm starting to feel a little left out. And then I hear something unexpected.
"I love you." Jacob is the one who says it, and I'm waiting for Leah's screams. For her hand slapping his face. But I hear nothing of the sort.
"I love you too." It's Leah's voice this time, and nothing shocks me more than hearing her say this to him. And then I hear a familiar sound.
Kisses. And they aren't stopping. I wait, and wait, but it doesn't stop. I squeeze my eyes shut hoping that this is all just a dream. But unfortunately, this is my reality.
I'm in a universe where I'm completely and totally alone.
I've lost my sister. I've lost my alpha and best friend.
It doesn't make me mad that they're together. I was actually kind of expecting that to happen. I was actually really happy for them, despite my glum mood. It was just the fact that I was the odd one out. Always the odd one out.
But as I think about Leah and Jacob, all the pieces seem to fall together. Leah's recently uplifted mood. The kiss on the cheek she gave me as I she came down the stairs this morning. The random smiles and humming of unfamiliar tunes. She was happy before, but this was different. She was in love. God dammit.
And if Jacob Black had the balls to hurt my sister, there was nothing stopping me from attacking him. Not that I'd win with this stupid bad leg. And not that he'd hurt me, but still.
I consider going to the Cullens, but decide against it. Everyone there is happily in love as well. Except for Nessie, who is dealing with her separation from Jacob rather nicely, seeing as though he hasn't been back since he told her that the imprint was broken.
So I get out of the car, and walk to the back door. I drag my feet, my heavy heart weighing me down. I ghost through the house until I've reached my room, closing the door as quietly as I can. I hope I haven't disturbed them, seeing as though there's only a thin wall separating us now. I can hear everything. And they haven't come up for air yet, if my ears weren't playing tricks on me.
I lay down on my bed, closing my eyes, and hoping to get some sleep.
Five minutes later, and they haven't stopped. God dammit, didn't they need some oxygen in their brains? I considered throwing something at the wall, but I didn't have the energy.
I pulled my pillow over my ears, and that helped a little. I could still hear, but it was muted. Put to the back burner. I clutched the scratchy pillowcase to my ears, hoping that everything would be better in the morning.
8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8
When I came down the stairs that morning, Jacob was gone. Leah was in the kitchen, cooking something sweet. Most of the pack would say that Emily is the best cook. That's only because Leah hardly ever shares. I'd take Leah's cooking over Emily's any day. When I entered the kitchen, I noticed it was M&M pancakes. My stomach growled loudly. Loud enough that Leah could hear. She turned around and smiled widely at me. And what a smile it was. It was so bright that I had to look away. She hadn't looked this happy in a long time.
"Hungary?" she asked, giggling. Wow. I hadn't heard Leah giggle in a long time. I just nodded, sitting down at the head of the kitchen table. I watched her, trying to figure it out. Something was different. She was lighter, she had a glow around her that seemed to illuminate the entire room. I was shocked. I'd missed glowing Leah. I hadn't seen her in a really long time.
A couple of minutes later, she placed a plate heaping with M&M pancakes, butter, and maple syrup in front of me. My mouth quite literally watered. She handed me a fork and knife, and sat down with her own plate next to me. We ate in a semi-comfortable silence for a few minutes before I spoke.
"So," I said, my mouth full of pancake. Leah looked up at me.
"So?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and putting another chunk of pancake in her mouth.
"So," I continued, putting down my fork and knife. "You and Jacob, huh?" Her jaw dropped and her face flushed. She looked down at her plate, her smile fading.
"So that's what's got you all riled up?" she asked quietly. I shrugged.
"Didn't know I was riled up," I said honestly. She looked at me, then back at her pancakes. "You never really answered my question."
"You never really asked one," she pointed out. She was avoiding talking about this. She should know that I was going to get it out of her. I'd only known her since I was born.
"Fair enough," I said, taking another bite of pancake. I let that sit there. She was going to burst in three...two...
"Yeah, me and Jacob, okay?" she asked. I nodded triumphantly. "How'd you find out?"
"Lee, your bedroom isn't the best hiding spot," I said. She rolled her eyes at me.
"Point taken," she admitted, avoiding my eyes. "Are you mad at me?" she asked.
"Depends," I shrugged, though I knew it didn't matter what she said. I wouldn't be mad.
"On what?" she asked, nervously.
"How long you've been hiding," I said, meeting her gaze. She turned her head, as if looking at the clock on the wall. But I knew she didn't really care what time it was. We sat in silence for a couple of seconds before she sighed.
"Just over a month," she said so quietly that if I weren't a wolf, then I wouldn't have been able to hear it. I nodded, pursing my lips.
"Seth, I'm sorry..." she started.
"Don't be. I'm not mad. Just..." I let out a gust of air. "I don't know...weirded out?" She laughed, and I smiled with her. Because for the first time in a long time, I knew she wasn't faking a smile around me. This was genuine. My sister was finally happy. And for what it's worth, right now that's all that really mattered. "And by the way, I guess I'll keep your secret."
"Thanks, Seth. You're the best," she told me. I nodded, and went back to my pancakes. Where I noticed that Leah had placed the M&M's in the shape of a heart. She was standing in the door way, about to leave the kitchen when I looked up at her.
"Thanks," I said. She looked confused, and I expected her to be. But she didn't ask, which was good because I didn't really want to explain.
"I love you Seth," she said sincerely. "Always remember that." And then she left the room. I didn't need to say it for her to know that I loved her too.
Aww Sethy-poo! I love him so much. Like I said before, my Seth is different. He likes to make everyone think he's happy, and likes to make himself believe it too. But on the inside, my Seth is suffering more than he'd like to admit. So, there you go.
Sorry for the slow updates. I'm trying, I swear.
Please review!