Chapter Synopsis: Lincoln goes to physical therapy to regain the use of his limbs
"So…what happened?" Lincoln asks groggily, still just barely awake from his month-long slumber
"Lynn literally beat you within an inch of your life!" Lori exclaims
"The beating was so severe, it knocked you into a month-long coma!" Leni states
"I was out for a MONTH?!" Lincoln shouts
"Well actually, to be completely honest, elder brother, you were comatose for precisely 3.6288*10^-74 yottaseconds, or 3.6288*10^-50 zettaseconds, or 3.6288*10^-39 exaseconds, or 3.6288*10^-21 petaseconds, or 3.6288*10^-6 teraseconds, or 0.0036288 gigaseconds, or 3.6288 megaseconds, or 3628.8 kiloseconds, or 36,288 hectaseconds, or 362880 decaseconds, or 0.0001125 millennia, or 0.001125 centennials, or 0.01125 decades, or 0.1125 years, or 1.35483871 months, or 6 weeks, or 42 days, or 1008 hours, or 60,480 minutes, or 3,628,800 seconds, or 36,288,000 deciseconds, or 362,880,000 centiseconds, or 3,628,800,000 milliseconds, or 3.6288*10^15 microseconds, or 3.6288*10^24 nanoseconds, or 3.6288*10^36 picoseconds, or 3.6288*10^51 femtoseconds, or 3.6288*10^69 attoseconds, or 3.6288*10^90 zeptoseconds or 3.6288*10^114 yoctoseconds or 6.7309190464531*10^133 Planck seconds." Lisa declares
"I think he gets the point, Lis." Lola says sardonically
"Yeah, bro. We've been visiting you every day since the murder attempt, hoping you'd wake up." Luna explains
"Lincoln, we…we can… finally…be… a family again…" Luan says softly to him
"What happened to Lynn?" Lincoln inquires
"Michigan held a trial for Lynn for trying to kill you…" Lucy started to say
"She was found guilty of both attempted first-degree murder and involuntary manslaughter. The prosecutor got justice…for both you and Lana." Lola affirms
"Our sibling, is being held at the correctional facility in Muskegon, where she is serving life in prison without the possibility of parole in solitary confinement. It sickens me to even call that CREATURE our sibling, after what she's done to our family." Lisa asserts with disdain in her voice.
"Wait so she…she was…the one who killed Lana?" Lincoln says, slightly whimpering
"I can't believe it either, Lincoln." Lola avers to him pensively "She said it was an accident, but how can it be, if you lure someone into a trap, and then set off noisemakers, that can kill people, with the intent to scare them?" Lola approaches him, Lincoln comforts her
"What about Lana's pets? I was supposed to take care of them..." Lincoln says fearfully
"Don't worry, little bro, I covered for you. Lana's pets are still alive and well." Luna explains
"Well, you've been in here long enough. It's time for you to go home." Rita declares
Lincoln presses the call button on his bed, the doctor goes into Lincoln's room and sees that he's not in a coma anymore!
"You're awake!" The doctor exclaims "I honestly thought you were never going to wake up. Well, can you stand up?"
Lincoln tries to get off the bed and stand up, his legs buckle under the pressure and he starts to slip. Luna catches him before he hits the cold hospital tile floor.
"I thought not, people in comas usually need to restore some function in their legs. I know an amazing physical therapist who specializes in this sort of thing. I'll call her and let her know you're coming." The doctor explains
The doctor whips out a cellphone and calls someone, presumably the physical therapist he was talking about. While he's busy doing that, Lisa diagnoses Lincoln.
"Elder brother, it seems you've lost some muscle mass while being confined to the hospital bed during your comatose period. I can safely deduce that your muscles have atrophied. But not to worry, the solution to this is simple, first, you should probably eat solid food again, it will give you carbohydrates and monosaccharides for energy and protein to help your amino acids synthesize enzymes to rebuild your muscle mass. The second and most important step is to work out, so you can regain the motor skills in the atrophied areas. I know that this is especially hard for you, seeing as all you do is read comics and play video games in your room all day, but you need to do this before your muscles completely emaciate, and you'll have to be confined in a wheelchair for the rest of your life." Lisa deduces
"Ok, I just called her and she said she'll wait for you. She's at the building with a red and black roof." The doctor explains "Good luck, Lincoln."
Luna and Luan support Lincoln all the way out of the hospital and into Vanzilla. The Loud family heads back to their house, where Lynn Sr prepares a feast. He makes salisbury steak, meatball sub sandwiches, turkey loaf, wienerschitzel, goulash, fried fish (and chips), succotash, a 13-layer lasagna, grilled cheese, cake, shepherd's pie, vichyssoise, a protein shake, scrambled eggs, deviled eggs and his infamous liverwurst, shrimp and hot mayo casserole (eating pure vomit would STILL taste better than this casserole, Lynn Sr even acknowledges it, yet he still tries to get his kids to eat it). How Lynn Sr managed to make all that food with only a $200 budget, we will never know, but as he says, "necessity is the mother of Lynn-vention". Also, cartoon logic probably applies here. This feast could feed the entire Loud family for a month! They dig in.
"It feels so good to not eat food from a tube!" Lincoln exclaims
All the Loud siblings agree. After everyone is done eating, Lynn Sr packs away the massive number of leftovers (come on, even between 11 of them, they can't eat ALL that food at one time! That would just break the willing suspension of disbelief)! After waiting for about 2 hours to let all that yummy (well, except for the casserole, which no one touched) food digest, the family goes to see that physical therapist the doctor recommended. They find the building with the red and black roof after driving around for about 15 minutes. They enter the building and see some unconventional instruments, as well as some classic ones that help with the therapy. A woman with brown eyes and brown hair approaches them.
"You must be the Loud family. Lincoln's doctor told me you'd be arriving. I'm Jessica, but you can just call me Jess. The program is broken up into 2 halves, the energetic half, which is what people normally think of when they think of physical therapy, and the creative half, where you do activities that you wouldn't normally think would help, but actually do. So, Lincoln, since this is your workout regimen, you can pick whichever one you want." Jessica clarifies to them
"How about the energetic half, first?" Lincoln states
"Want to get your blood pumping first, huh? I like it! Alright, Lincoln. Which section of the energetic half to you want to tackle first? Cyan, purple, red, blue, or green?
"Red seems like the hardest, so I'll get that one out of the way first." Lincoln reasons
"You're really ambitious, aren't you? Alright, red it is then!"
"The red one…you have to last 3 3:00 rounds with me in a boxing match! You don't have to win by triple knockout, you just have to last the 9 minutes! Don't worry, I'll go easy on you." Jessica reassures him
Lincoln and Jessica dress up in their boxing attire, they head into a room with a boxing ring with the CBBA logo on it, Jessica activates the red section by pressing a button. All the lights turn on, the red monitor above the ring turns red and has a silhouette of Lynn Jr superimposed on it.
"Ok, ready?" Jessica asks
"Ready"
The 3 minutes for round 1 start…he gets knocked down by a weak jab about 2:00 minutes in.
"Don't worry, you'll get better." Jessica encourages
Even though Jess said she was holding back, she was using Glass Joe levels of punches. Basically, I'm saying Lincoln got his ass kicked by Glass Joe, and that's just sad.
"Ok, how about creative side, black section?" Lincoln asked, figuring out that the sections have the same colors that correspond to his sisters
"Sure, Lincoln. Follow me to the black section." Jessica responds
They loud family head to the room directly across from the red section, this is the black section. Lincoln and Jessica change back into their normal attire.
"The black section…it's supposed to strengthen your carpal and metacarpal ligaments. The challenge here is to trace the calligraphy with this pen. It's harder than you think." Jessica explains, as she hands Lincoln a ballpoint pen.
Jessica hits a red button to turn off the power to the red section and hits a black button to turn on the lights in the black section. The monitor in the black section has a silhouette of Lucy superimposed on it, the line around Lucy's shadow is white so you can see her.
Lincoln tries to trace the calligraphy; His pen marks are all over the place.
"Ok, that didn't work, how about energetic side, cyan section?"
"Alright, follow me."
Everyone heads to the northernmost room on the left, the cyan section. Jessica cuts the power to the black section and restores power to the cyan section. The monitor in the cyan section has a silhouette of Lori superimposed on it.
"For the cyan section, you have to dodge a whole bunch of projectiles! Here's some equipment that'll protect you."
Lincoln wears the padding over his regular clothes and wears the face mask helmet to protect his head.
"For now, we have the machine set at the lowest setting, all of the projectiles are foam balls, so you won't get hurt. This will help with your leg dexterity." Jessica clarifies
Lincoln managed to dodge 5 foam balls, before tripping over himself and falling.
"That muscle atrophy must be severe…well, that's why you're here!"
"Ok, creative side, seafoam green section, please."
"It's just across from this room."
Everyone heads across the hall from the cyan section to the seafoam green section. It's a sewing room, there's a sewing machine in the center. Lincoln sits down in front of it. Leni's eyes light up! Jessica turns off the lights in the cyan section and turns on the power to the seafoam green section. The monitor in this section has a silhouette of Leni superimposed on it.
"Seafoam green, you have to stich the fabrics with the instructions shown. It will help your hand-eye coordination." Jessica explains
Lincoln attempts to sew, but fails horribly.
"Ok, how about energetic side, green section?"
Jessica leads them to a room at the bottom left. Everyone enters. Jessica turns off the power to the seafoam green section and restores power to the green section. The monitor has a silhouette of Lisa superimposed on it.
"The green section is pretty hard. You have to run on this treadmill, while avoiding the hurdles on top and on bottom, while you have to answer quiz questions. Think you can handle all that?"
"Sure"
Lincoln gets on the treadmill; the first question pops up. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
"Really? The answer is SpongeBob." Lincoln asserts as he ducks an overhead hurdle while running and jumping over a grounded hurdle
Question 2: Who painted "The Scream?"
"Edvard Munch!" Lincoln blurted out while jumping over 2 consecutive hurdles
Question 3: How do you spell Dante's last name?
"A-l-i-g-h-e-r-i" Lincoln spelled out
ERROR! INCORRECT!
The machine immediately stops, sending Lincoln flying back into an air mattress.
"Ignoramus!" Lisa derided him "It's A-l-i-g-h-i-e-r-i! Don't you know anything about Italian surnames?! You're even more retarded than Leni!"
"HEY!" Both Lincoln and Leni shout at her
"Lisa Loud, that is enough!" Lynn Sr scolds "Not everyone is as gifted as you!"
"Isn't that the truth." Lisa retorts cynically
"One more sardonic quip like that and we'll punish you for berating your siblings…again."
"Fine. I'm sorry, Lincoln and Leni…" Lisa said, but the camera pans behind her to show that she had her fingers crossed
"Ok, you're about halfway through the workout, so which section do you want to tackle next?"
"How about…lilac?" Lincoln questions
"OK? But the Lilac section hasn't been used in quite some time…It's across the hall." Jessica answers
Everyone heads across the hall to the lilac section. Jessica restores power to this section while simultaneously turning off the power to the green section. The lilac section's monitor has a silhouette of Lily superimposed on it. A screen in the front of the room has a stupidly easy question on it.
"This room was meant to help people with intellectual disorders. Down syndrome, mental retardation, Tourette's syndrome, ADHD; as well as stupid people in general. It was rendered obsolete because no one used this room. Anyone who had an intellectual disorder went to the psychology diagnostic building where Christina works to get diagnosed. After all, who would expect a NEUROLOGICAL therapy test for a PHYSICAL therapy building. Lincoln, I don't think this room will help with your regimen, if you want to be mentally challenged, the green section has quiz questions."
Lincoln agrees, and they head back to the main hub of the physical therapy building.
"Lincoln, maybe you should take a break? You can do whatever you'd like. We can resume the second half of the workout when you're done." Jessica advises
"How about chess? Do you have that?" Lincoln asks
"Yes, it's in storage. It still has all the pieces!"
Jessica leaves to go get it. She returns with a chessboard, complete with all the pieces.
"Lola, will you play a round with me?" Lincoln questions
"Sure, Linky…"
"I'll go easy on you. I won't use any super advanced openers or any clever tricks this time."
The chessboard is set up. Lola plays white while Lincoln plays black. Lola has the first move.
"Pawn to C3"
"Knight to C6"
"Pawn to H4"
"Knight to F6"
"Pawn to F4"
"Pawn to A5"
"Pawn to E3"
"Knight to E4"
"Knight to F3"
"Knight captures pawn at D2"
"Bishop captures knight at D2"
"Pawn to G5"
"Pawn captures pawn at G5"
"Rook to A6"
"Knight to E5"
"Knight to D4"
"Pawn captures knight at D4"
"Rook to C6"
"Pawn to H5"
"Rook to G8"
"Bishop captures pawn at A5"
"Bishop to H6"
"Pawn captures bishop at H6"
"Rook to C4"
"Knight captures pawn at F7"
"King to F8"
"Bishop to C7; Well, who are you going to capture, Linky? Are you going to capture my knight with your king; Or use your queen to capture my bishop?"
"King captures knight at F7"
"Bishop sacrifice at D8, queen captured!"
"Rook captures Bishop at D8"
"Queen to D2"
"Pawn to D5"
"Rook to H4"
"Rook captures pawn at D4"
"Pawn captures rook at D4"
"Bishop to F5"
"Knight to C3"
"Rook to D6"
"Rook to F4"
"Knight sacrifice to D5, pawn captured"
"Rook captures knight at D5"
"Rook captures bishop at F5"
"Rook captures rook at F5, nice try, Lola"
"King to E2"
"Rook sacrifice at F1, bishop captured"
"Rook captures rook at F1, check"
"King to G7"
"Pawn captures king at G7, checkmate, Lincoln!"
Lola…Lola actually beat Lincoln at chess! He congratulates her.
"Wow Lola, amazing job!"
"Thanks, Linky…"
"Now that your break is over, lets finish the second half of your physical therapy workout, which of the remaining sections do you want to take on next, Lincoln?" Jessica questions
"How about the purple section?"
"Alright, follow me to the purple section."
Jessica leads the Loud family to the northernmost room. Jessica turns on the power to the purple section. The monitor in the purple section has a silhouette of Luna superimposed on it.
"In the purple section, you have to strum this harp to various musical compositions. This challenge will improve your manual dexterity and reestablish the motor skills in your hands." Jessica explains
Lincoln gets Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" as the first composition he has to play, he played the wrong notes and was completely off sync with the tune of the composition.
"Ok, I think I'll try the yellow section, creative side…" Lincoln states
"Alright, we know the drill…" Jessica said as she turns off the lights to the purple section. Everyone heads to the southernmost room, this is the yellow section. Jessica restores power to the yellow section. The monitor in this room has a silhouette of Luan superimposed on it.
"The yellow section…you have to help the comedian on stage avoid the "hecklers" throwing "tomatoes" at them. You have to not let them get hit! You can push them out of the way, but not out of the way of the spotlight. Otherwise, their performance is over! Luan, want to volunteer to be the comedienne?" Jessica asks
"Sure!" Luan replies back
The challenge starts, Lincoln managed to deflect 27 "tomatoes" (really, just red foam balls) before Luan got hit 3 times.
"27! A new record!"
"That was fun, next should be the pink section!" Lincoln exclaims
"Pink section is to the left of the main room. Let's go!"
Everyone heads to the pink section room. Jessica turns on the power to this room while turning off the power to the yellow section. The monitor in this room has a silhouette of Lola on it.
"The pink section's challenge is to walk on these runways and copy the other person's pose. This will condition all of the tendons and ligaments in your arms and legs. Think of it as hamstring stretching for all of your limbs." Jessica clarifies "Lola, want to be the person Lincoln should be copying?"
"Ha, never thought you'd ask!" Lola exclaims
The challenge begins… Lincoln copies 3 of the poses right before he messes up.
"Ok, the only section you haven't done is the blue one, it's to the right of the main room. Time to finish this, Lincoln!"
Jessica turns off the power to the pink section and activates the power to the blue section. The loud family heads to the final section of the entire physical therapy building, the blue section, inside is a massive green screen and a VR headset. The monitor in the room has an image of Lana superimposed on it.
"Using this state of the art virtual reality technology, you will hike a nature trail, while trying to avoid hazards like poison ivy and bears. This is the same technology that the military uses to train soldiers and to try and treat PTSD. So, a simple hike in the "great outdoors" should be nothing!
5 minutes into the challenge. VR Lincoln walked into a lake and drowned.
"Well, that's all the challenges, if you keep practicing, I'm sure you'll regain the use of your arms and legs in no time, Mr. Loud." Jessica says to Lincoln
Lincoln went back there to retrain his limbs, mostly his hand muscles…since his carpals and metacarpals were more damaged than his femurs, tibiae, and patellae in the attack. Not only did he regain the use of his limb muscles, he managed to IMPROVE them!
"Ok, challenge over!" Jessica shouts
"Mr. Loud…615 foam balls dodged…you've vastly improved since your first visit!"
"Hemstitch, chain-stitch, overcast stitch, back stitch, blanket stitch, embroidery stitch, running stitch and topstitch!"
"8 consecutive garments made without a single mistake! Your eyes have been sharpened immensely!"
"Opera 21, 36, 55, 60, 67, 68, 92, 93 and 125, Beethoven's 9 symphonies."
Lincoln plays the symphonies masterfully, it sounds beautiful and in sync! It took about 6 hours to play all of them!
"You managed to ace all 9 symphonies?! Amazing job, Mr. Loud!" Jessica praises
The next day…
"1024 "tomatoes" blocked…a new record! Seems like you're on top of your game today."
"Alright, think you can survive for the entire nine minutes?" Jessica challenges
"Yes"
Not only did Lincoln survive for 9 minutes, he managed to perform a TKO in the 2nd round with a minute to spare, and Jessica wasn't holding back this time!
"Ok, but how about your typography skills?"
Lincoln wrote an entire poem entirely in calligraphy, it's so clear, you can still read it, despite the words being written in a fancy way!
"Time to follow in your sibling's footsteps…"
Lincoln and Lola mirror each other's movements. Lincoln managed to mirror 360 of Lola's poses before making a single mistake!
"Great, but can you survive a hike in the wilderness?"
Not only does he survive, he broke his previous record!
"Time for the ultimate endurance challenge!"
Question 254: What is the Loud sibling's grandfather's name?
"Albert"
Lincoln dodges a barrage of hurdles in this order: down, down, up, down, up, up, down, up, up, up, down!
Question 255: What is the scientific name for the death cap mushroom?
"Amanita Phalloides"
Lincoln dodges an obstacle course worth of hurdles: up, up, up, down, up, down, down, down, up, down, down, up, down
Question 256: What is the technical term for a "kill screen"?
"Integer overflow"
Lincoln then lets the treadmill carry him off, he's too tired to continue on with the challenge.
New record: 256 consecutive correct answers
"I can safely say you've made a full recovery, Mr. Loud! You don't need my help anymore!" Jessica decries
The Loud family takes Lincoln home and congratulates him on making a full recovery!
"You can use your arms and legs again! Leni exclaims happily
"And all it took was 33 days of continuous training!" Lincoln explains
…
…
…
…
"Lori?"
"Yeah, little bro?"
"Can I see her?"
"Who, Lincoln?"
"Who do you think? Lynn, of course!"
!
"Why would you want to do that?! She almost killed you!"
"I want to find out why…"
…
…
…
…
"If… If that will make you happy…then… sure, little bro." Lori relents
"But we'll ALL go with you, to make sure you're safe!" Leni assures
"Agreed."
"We'll visit her tomorrow."
Author's Note: The red section is a shout out to "Punch Out!" The CBBA logo on the ring stands for "Comic Book Boxing Association", just like the WVBA, the "World Video Boxing Association". Jessica can also copy EVERY SINGLE BOXER'S signature move! One minute, she could use Von Kaiser's Clockwork KO, and in the next minute, she could use Mr. Sandman's Dreamland Express! In the green section, if you respond to the Dante question with the word "Basco" (as in, Dante Basco, the actor who voiced Zuko in Avatar: The Last Airbender), you get this response:
"Ha ha...nice try! But that wasn't the Dante we were looking for."
It will then eject you onto the air mattress as normal. If you're wondering why Lisa berates Lincoln for misspelling Dante Alighieri's name. Refer to this quote from the episode "Making The Grade":
"Okay. But if I go back to being smart Lisa, you're getting the whole package, i.e., unabashed superiority and zero tolerance for ignoramuses. It'll probably be back to the sticky table for you."
It isn't reserved for Lincoln either, she will berate anyone she sees being an ignoramus in front of her. So, pretty much, her entire family, as Lisa is the smartest member of the Louds.
The lilac section was semi-popular with the few people who used it. But because almost no one used it, Jessica was forced to shut it down and refer people who have heard of the section to Dr. Christina. After all, Christina is a psychologist, so she'd be able to help them more than this section ever could. Also, Jessica and Christina did attend school together and became friends there. They're still friends, even though both of them help people, it's just one helps with physical problems, while the other helps with mental problems.
I had to meticulously plan out every move of that chess match into a chess simulation program I found online. I think all of the moves taken are legal. As for the actual chess match, even though Lincoln was holding back, he still expected to win. He was surprised when Lola actually won! But...he was kind of happy she did beat him.
It seems Lincoln got unlucky with the purple section. The compositional algorithm that determines which dictates the composer's opus gave Lincoln incredibly complex ones! For reference, he had to play Vivaldi's Four Seasons as his first piece. Four Seasons is a 44 minute masterpiece! How could Lincoln be expected to play this incredible piece of music with broken hands? But on his last day, he had to play Beethoven's opera of symphonies! That is about 6 HOURS of musical mayhem! Lincoln actually got hand cramps for playing so long! That's why he had to come back the next day. His hands were fine after he went to sleep the previous day, so don't worry, he's fine. Luna was so proud of him and cried tears of joy once he got through all the symphonies!
Lincoln wants answers. He wants to know Lynn tried to kill him. Maybe...he even wants to make amends to her? But...will Lynn even talk back to him? Will the sisters stand up to the egocentric narcissist that was once a former shell of their sister? Will Lynn finally stop hiding from the truth? The answers Lincoln so desperately wants will be revealed on the next chapter of Sycophant...