Warning: The following may contain content that may be offensive or difficult to read. I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Thank you to those who continue to read, follow, and review.

36

"Darry," Soda urged again, and I finally looked at him, wondering why I couldn't be as strong as he was being.

I suddenly felt like the younger brother as my tears welled up with the thought of telling Ponyboy about everything that had been done to him when the State took him away. I couldn't even imagine how to bring up such horrific details, and calmly have a discussion about them. I looked at Soda desperately while I silently began to cry.

"Darry," Soda shuffled closer to me on the bed and grabbed my hand. "You've been trying so hard, and I get it. But this is too much; it's too big, Darry. It's tearing you apart. It's tearing both of you apart, and it's killin' me havin' to lie to him. I can't do it anymore, Darry. We gotta tell him everything."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm so sorry, Soda. I wanted to protect him from all of this. I'm so sorry." I broke down, but I wasn't alone. Sodapop was there with me, every step of the way.

His arms went around me, and I couldn't help but sink in and take refuge in the comfort they provided. I thought about Pony, and how he'd always turned to Sodapop in the past for comfort, and I had a better understanding of why. It was because Soda meant it; it was deliberate. He put everything he had into caring for those he loved. It was like an extension of his soul.

"You've been so amazing. You and him bein' so close; it's like a dream come true for me. I didn't think we were gonna make it the way you two were at it all the time." Soda commented, and I cringed once again with the memory of the night I hit Ponyboy and drove him to run away.

"I love him, Soda. I always have." I said defensively as I sat up to look at him. Soda just grinned at me.

"I know that, Darry. That ain't what I'm saying. You ain't such a stick-in-the-mud with him anymore. You ain't afraid to show him you're more than just his guardian. You ain't afraid to let him see that you love him. He ain't afraid of you no more."

"Yeah well, after everything that's happened, and watching him go through so much made it easy for me to realize what was really important." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I opened my eyes again, Sodapop was looking at me sheepishly, and opened his mouth to say something. Suddenly he closed it as he looked to be deep in thought.

"What?" I asked him; a bit nervous by the way he suddenly seemed unsure. That wasn't like him.

"Let me talk to him, Darry. I know you wanna protect him. I know in your head you've somehow made this to be all your fault, which is bullshit by the way. I know how much you love him, and you two are like peas and carrots now, but I think he'll take it better if I talk to him about what happened."

"Soda…" There was no way I could let Soda take on that task. I didn't want Soda to be the one to break Ponyboy's heart.

"Darry, I know you wanna be the one in control, but you gotta realize that no one is. This thing is spinnin' out of our hands. We gotta do somethin' and do it fast, 'cause I don't know if you're seein' the same brother I'm seein', but we're losin' him, Darry."

"I can talk to Greg. See if he can…" I started feebly, but Soda was the only one with his head on right.

"No, Darry. Greg's amazing, and I'm thankful everyday for what he did to save Ponyboy. It's great he's become a friend, but this ain't somethin' Pony's gonna understand. It'll be too much if it comes from anyone else. You gotta let it be me."

I looked away, and back over at Ponyboy who was sound asleep despite our frantic whispering. It pained me to make my brother go through this horrifying thing, but I knew that he was right, and I knew that I couldn't do anything but accept it. Sodapop and Ponyboy had such a connection. Everything Soda was trying to say made sense. Pony wouldn't understand, but Soda could talk him through it like he did with everything else, and make him understand while making him feel safe at the same time.

"Please let him sleep." I requested while nodding my approval for Sodapop to go ahead and tell Ponyboy what had really happened to him. "He just needs to rest; he's never getting enough rest." I tried to stop crying, but I was so damn tired and I needed to rest too.

"C'mon, Darry. Lay down with him and sleep. We'll worry about everything tomorrow."

I nodded and slowly crawled under the covers, gently shoving my arm underneath Pony, and moving him over a little to make more room for myself. Soda made his way around to the other side, and slid in. I didn't want morning to come.

"…you know you scared us somethin' awful."

The soft and tender sound of Sodapop's voice made its way into my consciousness, and along with the light coming through the window, I found myself awake in bed.

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. I was just tryin' not to wake you up, that's all." Ponyboy was upset, and I wanted to roll over and offer him comfort but I knew what was about to go down, and I was feeling more than a little uneasy.

"Where you get off goin' and sneakin' off like that when you're sick? Pony, you can't do that, honey."

"But I'm always wakin' you up. You're always so tired; you and Darry, and it's my fault. You gotta work…"

"Ponyboy, you let me and Darry worry about that. Work ain't important. You are."

"But Darry's always worried about havin' enough to get by. The bills…" Pony started, but Soda cut him off.

"Are of no concern to you. Me and Darry got it covered and you don't gotta worry your head over it. But you gotta let us know when you're not feeling good. You can't be tryin' to hide stuff like that from us anymore." I was surprised how firm Soda sounded while he was the one to lecture instead of me.

"I wasn't tryin' to hide, Soda. Honest, I just didn't wanna wake you up. You were sleeping really good, and I felt bad. Please don't be mad at me." Ponyboy's voice cracked, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

"Ponyboy, shhhh…" I felt the shuffling on the bed behind me and knew Soda had his little brother wrapped up in those soothing arms of his. "I ain't mad at ya, honey. But you gotta promise to come to me or Darry when you ain't feelin' good, savvy? Don't matter what time it is, or if we're sleeping."

"I promise, Soda. I'm sorry…"

"Shhhh…you got nothin' to be sorry about."

My brothers were quiet for awhile except the sound of their breathing and occasional movements. I closed my eyes and prayed for some kind of strength or guidance to deal with what I knew was about to happen next.

"What happened last night, kiddo?" Soda's question had my eyes opening as I dreaded Ponyboy's answer along with the conversation that would follow it.

"Just a nightmare." Pony mumbled into his brother.

"C'mon, Pony. I know you better than that. What's got you so scared that you don't wanna tell me?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." Pony's voice trailed off.

"I think you gotta, kiddo. I wanna help, Pony. You know you can tell me anything."

"I don't wanna, Soda."

"Pony, it's okay. It's okay. Just talk to me." Soda's voice managed to be soft, and pushy at the same time.

"Somethin's wrong with me, Soda! I don't want you to hate me. Please, don't hate me, Soda! Please!"

Ponyboy broke down, and I felt paralyzed. I wanted to flip over in bed and ease in closer to my brothers, but I just couldn't move. I knew that Ponyboy would look to me to stand strong and tall, but at that moment it was all I could do not to curl up into a ball and fade away. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

"How on earth could I ever hate you?"

"If you knew…what I did…you'd hate me! You'd think I was disgusting! You wouldn't wanna be my brother no more!" I could hear the anguish as Pony struggled to talk to his brother.

"Pony, stop talkin' like that. I could never hate you or think bad things about you. C'mon baby, just tell me what's goin' on. Whatever it is, I'll understand."

"How can you say that? You don't know that! Don't lie! Don't lie to me, Sodapop! Stop lying to me!" Ponyboy yelled and I felt him struggle to get out from Soda's hold to leave the bed, and I could hear him start struggling to breathe.

"Pony…"

"No! Don't touch me, I'm not clean, Soda! I'm dirty!" Ponyboy started sobbing out of control, and it was everything I'd feared.

"Ponyboy…GODDAM IT!"

I could feel Soda and Pony struggle next to me and the world felt like it was crashing down on us as things escalated faster than I could even process them. I sat up quickly as Pony broke free and fought his way out of the bed only to land face-first on the floor. I was the first to make it to him; grabbing him carefully while he tried to get me off him. When I was able to flip him over, I had to pin his arms and legs down by using my own.

He continued to writhe against me, as though he were fighting for his life, and I was reminded of a time not so long ago, when it was Soda I was holding on the cold hospital floor after telling him about what our brother had to endure. At the time I couldn't imagine anything worse. Now I wasn't so sure.

Soda was soon on the floor with us, fighting to keep contact with Ponyboy; hoping that eventually he'd succumb and relax, but Pony was too far gone. I could see the panic starting in Soda's eyes as he realized Ponyboy wasn't going to calm down. Soda continued his attempts at providing Ponyboy with his comforting touch, but our baby brother wasn't having any of it. He'd gone wild.

"Pony, you gotta calm down, honey. You can't breathe!" Soda was finally holding Ponyboy's head while we were both struggling against him as he fought to break free from us.

"NOOOOO!" Pony screamed out in what I could only imagine as agony as he still tried to get away from me. I held onto him for dear life, turning my face into the side of his, and quietly begged him to stop fighting me and Soda.

"Pony…" I whispered into his ear.

"LET ME GO!" Pony's voice cracked mid-scream before turning into little more than a whisper as it gave out. His body was still fighting.

"Pony, please stop." I continued to beg, but he wouldn't.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Please stop hurting me!" I heard his last rasp before I couldn't take it anymore.

"JESUS CHRIST, ENOUGH!"

It wasn't Ponyboy I was yelling at, and I knew it even when I heard both of my brothers suck in a breath as my voice boomed in anger. I was yelling at myself. I needed that charge; that kick in the ass so I could get control of the situation before I lost both of my brothers to the horror of what happened, and the despair it was causing. I was yelling at life and all the shit hands it dealt us. It seemed like one thing after another was trying to either knock us down, or rip us apart, and I'd had enough of it all.

"Darry, he's blue." Soda cried quietly as he watched over our brother in worry.

"You still got them pills Greg prescribed you in the hospital?" I asked quickly, wondering how the hell I was going to bring Ponyboy back from his nightmare. Soda nodded.

"Go grab 'em, and bring 'em here. Quick!" I instructed as I continued to hold Pony tightly and securely.

I dragged Ponyboy with me as I made my way to lean up against my bed, and gently started a rocking motion while I softly shushed my brother while waiting for Soda. I felt Pony let up a bit, but I knew if I loosened my grip on him even a little, he'd start to fight me again. Sodapop rushed back quickly, holding the bottle of Ativan he'd been prescribed when he found himself with me on that hospital floor; learning about what was done to Ponyboy while in the State's custody. Soda's hands shook uncontrollably as he scrambled to get the lid open, and then looked at me desperately for guidance.

"Take one out. Get it under his tongue, Soda." I instructed. Soda nodded and did as he was told. As Sodapop shoved the pill and his finger into Ponyboy's mouth, I tucked my face into the crook of Ponyboy's neck.

"We know what he did to you. It's okay, Ponyboy. I got you. Nobody's ever gonna hurt you again, you hear me?"

"Darry, don't hate me! Please, don't hate me!" I heard the desperation in my youngest brother's voice, and I could barely stand it.

"Shhhh. I got you, baby. You're home with me and Soda. You're home with us. Nobody's gonna hurt you now. We love you, Ponyboy. Ain't nothin' gonna change that. We love you."

"I tried, Darry! Swear to God, I tried! I couldn't get him off me! He wouldn't leave me alone!"

"Shhhh…It's not your fault, Pony. It's not your fault. We love you so much, Ponyboy. We're gonna get through this, I promise you."

"I tried to fight! I tried…" Was the last thing I could hear before his voice was gone.

"I know you did, baby. I know."

I then fully realized how hard my brother had fought during those months he was a prisoner of Martin Campbell's. He was my brother; a Curtis, and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he fought Campbell off with everything he had. But as proud as that thought made me, I also realized the beatings it would've taken to get him under control.

I felt oddly calm even though my heart was broken. I felt calm finally knowing Ponyboy's reaction to the truth. Even though I questioned Sodapop, I knew he'd done the right thing for all of us when all was said and done. There was relief to be found in the fact that we were past the secrecy and the lies. There was relief in not having to tip-toe around Ponyboy, wondering when the moment would come when he'd remember. It was all out in the open now, and we could finally focus on healing. I could also focus on finding justice for my brother.

Sodapop stood up and made his way around the bed, grabbing the flannel blanket that Pony managed to fight his way out of during their struggle. He came back to us and sat right next to me while gently covering his brother. The pill kicked in, and I felt Pony's body go slack. I moved my right arm from around his arms and torso, and upwards so I could run my hand in his hair.

"His color's comin' back a little." Soda just short of whispered.

"Just breathe, baby. Just breathe." I calmly instructed my youngest brother, but really, I was talking to us all.

Soda curled around the side of me, resting his head on the shoulder Pony wasn't using, and wrapped one arm behind me while he fussed over Ponyboy with the other. It was a while before I noticed the three of us had relaxed, and even though Pony's breathing was the loudest it'd been since he'd been taken off the respirator, I could feel that he wasn't struggling anymore.

"How's he looking, Soda?" I continued to speak lowly; trying not to startle anyone.

"He's pale." Soda whispered as he continued to rub his brother's cheek. I nodded and continued to drag my fingers through Ponyboy's hair.

"You still with us Pony?" I asked gently. He seemed practically lifeless except for the rasping of his breaths.

Pony didn't say anything, but his hands slowly moved up to to clutch at my arms while he nodded slightly. I held onto him a little tighter, this time in comfort and I felt him lean into me a bit more. I didn't know if it was the drug, or the fact that Ponyboy put up one hell of a fight, but I could feel him fading, and I prayed he'd finally be able to get the rest he needed.

"Hold on, little buddy. Hold on for me."