Author's Notes: I hate writing letters between characters, as I'm sure you can probably tell in this chapter. For me it just adds a new level of complexity that winds up taking longer to write than the chapter itself. Not entirely sure why, but either way, I couldn't see Emily placing herself in an exposed face to face position twice in just a few days, but I also couldn't foresee her just abandoning any lingering animosity between her and Kate altogether- hopefully I didn't mess it up!

Chapter Thirty-four: New Chapters, Old Books

Three days later;

"Please, please, please, don't be late." JJ begged. "Saturday, remember. Hotch wants us all there. Please don't make me go on my own."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Emily chuckled softly as she pulled on her jacket. "You'll have Garcia with you." Smiling at the instant sadness in JJ's eyes - the sadness that she knew was caused by the still very engrained fear that she was going to disappear again - she stepped towards the blonde and wrapped her arms around her; pressed her lips to her temple and spoke again. "I will be there, I promise."

"You don't… Um… I mean…" JJ snuggled further into Emily's chest- entirely afraid of her disappearing just like the older woman had thought. "It is okay, ya know. I know this is a big step for you and I get if it was too much, too soo-"

"Shh." Emily responded with a kiss to silence her. "Now give me the address."

"I already did." JJ looked down guiltily. "It's in your bag. I put it there incase…"

"JJ, look at me…" Lifting the blonde's chin, Emily's face turned somewhat serious as she tried her best to soothe her probably warranted fears. "You know the wonderful thing about rock bottom? The wonderful thing about all the chaos and drama that has been such a prevalent part of life recently?"

"The sales of Xanax goes up, resulting in a pretty nice profit for the pharmaceutical companies?"

"Well, that too." She chuckled, brushing her thumb over the blonde's cheek. She recognised the look that the younger woman had adorned as she made what she knew to be a purposeful joke- it was the one she herself held every time she was petrified and trying to trivialise the moment with humour, and she wasn't about to leave this house when there was still any shred of that expression on the blonde's face. "But no. The wonderful thing about rock bottom is that it means you get to start again- and not just start again, but start again with experience and wisdom. There's a lot of destruction behind us JJ, and we need to use it for good. I don't need to spend several more months in a job I don't want to be doing in a country I don't want to be in to know that what I want is right here. We need to do it right this time, and I very much plan to."

"You plan to do me right?"

A small smirk that depicted both playfulness and contentment graced Emily's lips- because those words weren't just a joke, they were a silent understanding and an indication that they were going to be just fine. Looking over JJ's shoulder to the time on the clock, she did the quick math and deduced that she had twenty minutes before she really, really had to leave. "I probably can't do you right with the limited time we have before I need to catch my flight. But I can do you right now… if you're interested?"

"I could be persuaded."

"Oh you could, huh?" She smirked as she pushed JJ backwards towards the nearest wall. "Well… Let me tell you the wonderful thing about walls."

JJ giggled as her back met with the hard surface; her arms draped over the brunette's shoulders as she allowed her to push her skirt slowly up her thighs and smirked smugly along with the appreciative groan that left the older woman's lips.

"Jennifer Jareau. Did you plan this?"

"I'm just someone who likes to be prepared." She grinned and nipped at Emily's lower lip. "Maybe I need to tell you the wonderful thing about going commando."

"You are incredible." Emily breathed, reveling in the beautiful whimper that fell directly into her mouth as she ran her fingertips through JJ's bare, already soaked pussy. "Fucking incredible."

"Please…" JJ begged against the brunette's lips; her mouth slack as her eyes fell closed to the sensations between her thighs.

"Lift your leg." Emily forced through unsteady breaths; her arousal taking over with JJ's one word and transforming into something suddenly carnivorous and needy. And she wasted no time thrusting two fingers deep inside the younger woman as she complied; the action punctuated by a guttural sound from both of them.

Her free hand gripped hard at the blonde's hip as she used her pelvis to thrust as deep inside her as possible; JJ's walls already clamping down hard around her invading fingers as she lost herself to this woman who never ceased to amaze her. The woman who she could read better than she could ever read herself…

"Emily…" JJ breathed and swallowed hard; her blue eyes fluttering open to meet Emily's adoring gaze as she braced herself at strong shoulders and ground slowly but purposely against the fingers inside her. "Please. Make me come. I need to come."

Emily brushed her thumb over JJ's clit, picked up her pace momentarily; but only momentarily before she abruptly stopped, and with three words on her lips- "That's a shame." -she gently withdrew those fingers and took three steps back.

"Emily?" JJ threw out her arms. "What the hell? We don't have time for teasing, you have to catch your flight soon."

"Yup." The brunette nodded once, reaching down for the medium sized carry-on bag that she had brought with her a little over a week ago before walking back to JJ to place a comfortable, loving kiss upon her cheek. "And that was your promise."

"That was a promise?" JJ asked in frustration as she watched the brunette turn to leave. "Are you seriously going to leave me like this?"

"I am, JJ." Emily turned back to face the blonde; her face still playful but with a hint of seriousness as she spoke again. "Your promise is that I will return and finish what I started. Now, come here." She watched JJ for a moment, the younger woman's expression torn somewhere between almost angered frustration and understanding, and she repeated the sentiment again with a smile when the blonde didn't budge. "Come, here."

Petulantly, JJ sighed and did as instructed; stood in front of Emily with her eyebrow raised expectantly and her arms folded across her chest.

Laughing softly at quite possibly the most adorable sight she had ever seen, the brunette stepped forward. "I'm coming home, and I'm coming home to you. I'm not running anymore, JJ. You did plan that, and you wanted it to happen because you were certain it would be the last time. You wanted to say goodbye. But I'm not saying goodbye, JJ. Neither are you. Now kiss me, and tell me you love me."

"After you just profiled me?" JJ laughed in amazement. "Now you want kisses and love?"

"But I profiled well." Emily countered correctly. "So I think I deserve them." A small, tight and quick kiss met her smiling lips, but as she gripped onto the blonde and refused for three whole seconds to break their one-sided kiss, JJ's lips finally transformed into a surrendering grin and giggle.

"I love you."

"I love you too." The brunette returned, her eyes lingering as her mind lost itself at just how fucking lucky she was. "Goodbye for now."

"Just for now."

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It had felt odd walking into her large empty townhouse. It had been her safe haven just a week ago, but so much had changed in that past week that now the empty echoes scared her, the silence cut like a dull blade and the cold blanketed her in such a way that she just wanted to turn right back around and leave. But she had come here with a task- not just the major one at hand of packing up her life yet again and leaving, but something that actually, was far more significant in another way. It was closure- closure she probably didn't deserve but definitely needed before she opened a new door that, actually, wasn't all that new.

She spun her phone in her hand as she slumped back against the couch that she hadn't sat upon in over a week and contemplated calling; bit the inside of her lip hard when she realised that a face to face interaction would leave her cowardly and speechless. She looked to the ceiling and painted words there like they meant something, but perhaps they didn't anymore. Perhaps those words she wanted to say were redundant- perhaps this was a moment where abandonment was actually the best thing that she could give.

It had been well over two months since her and Kate had last spoken, and it wasn't like they had parted on overly good terms. But hadn't she played more than a supporting role in that? She had, she knew… the story hadn't ended because it had run its course- it had ended because she slammed the book closed. Could she really allow that to be another blemish left in her wake? But, would extending words only turn that blemish to a scar- ensure that it would forever be a part of her history and only a part of her future in the form of a reminder of just how lost she had been?

Perhaps silence, distance, in some instances really was the best option- and she had two days to figure that out. Two days to find the right words, and two days to decipher whether they really mattered. Trusting her instincts was something she both lived by and struggled with. If it was work related, they were essential and easy- but when it came to her personal life, her instincts twisted and contorted, morphed and choked her until she truly had no idea what they were telling her to do. Her instinct in this moment was that she couldn't start her new life without tying up loose ends in the previous- but if that truly was the right thing, she'd feel that way in two days too.

With a shake of her head, she snapped herself back into the present- the present that currently needed packing up into boxes and shipping if she hoped to have it back at her apartment for the New Year. She'd managed, after a lengthy conversation about how he couldn't do such a thing again if she changed her mind about sticking around, to convince her ex-landlord to give her her old apartment back. She probably could have easily gotten a new place, but her preference for her old one was probably purposely done. She was in an entirely new world now in every other aspect of her life… and she needed a safe place. Besides, there were too many memories in that apartment that seemed somehow necessary to keep now. What was it JJ had said? The slate doesn't need to be wiped clean, just stored away… Well that was her slate, stored away for the moments she knew would come.

It was already 10 in the evening by the time she quit procrastinating and pushed herself up from that sofa, but since she was still on US time, that actually gave her around five hours before she'd feel any kind of fatigue- and unless she wanted to spend her only full day here panicking about what she had forgotten, she needed to get started.

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She could hear a faint hint of dread in the younger woman's voice as the call connected- something she was certain meant that she was afraid of just why she was calling at this late hour and she was quick to rectify it. "So tell me about this list."

"What list?" JJ frowned instantly, clearly surprised at both the lack of formalities and the lack of distance coming from the brunette who was literally thousands of miles away.

"You told me you felt like a teenager who had just lost their virginity again, that you had all these things you wanted to try." She clarified as if it was obvious. "So… what's on that list?"

"You are something else, Emily Prentiss." JJ shook her head fondly and slumped back against her pillows. "First, you almost bring me to orgasm and leave me to finish myself, and now you want to talk about sex when you're thousands of miles away?"

"Did you finish yourself?" Emily replied, both smugly and dominantly.

She wanted to say yes, just to hear the disappointment in Emily's voice; but biting her lip, she gave the honest response. "No. I didn't want to break your promise for you."

"That's sweet." Emily smiled and leant back in her chair before altering her voice and offering the most cliché line that she could think of. "So... whatcha wearing?"

The melodic laugh that came through the phone caused her to smile helplessly. That laugh was everything- it was her reminder that whilst this new path was terrifying, she was perfectly safe wandering down it. It was what kept her grounded as she floated through unknown territory. Honestly, she had never felt safer in her life and that baffled her considering that she was in the scariest place she had ever been in in her life.

"I think I've seen too many State Farm commercials, because that did not have the effect I think you were hoping for." JJ laughed. "But actually, if you must know – and I'm not sure you deserve to after this morning – I'm wearing a t-shirt. That XXL one that you seem to love me in."

"I do love you in that shirt." Emily nodded reflectively; picturing just how adorable JJ looked in it, as well as how even more adorable she looked in it after they'd had sex with just-fucked hair and flushed cheeks. "I love you in nothing too."

"You are such a charmer." JJ rolled her eyes.

Her sarcasm was deceptive, because actually, there was nothing more charming and perfect than this. It was Emily in a care-free, easy setting; exceptionally rare but so fucking beautiful. She could picture her playful smile, the one that told of genuine comfort and happiness, and she was so thankful to hear it in her voice after everything that had transpired recently. Not just necessarily everything that they together had been through, but everything that Emily had been through alone too. They each had their demons, their fears – demons and fears that had both stunted their growth and enlightened them to a few things - and that moment, that smile, that ease to their conversation, proved that those demons hadn't won. They'd proved that sometimes love can reign victorious, and she held absolutely no care for how cheesy that was. Screw cheesy, she was happy – apparently they both were - and she didn't care how pathetic it sounded.

"That's me." Emily agreed with bold arrogance. "Anyway… you didn't answer my original question."

"You'll have to wait 'til you get back won't you."

"Hm, clever move, Agent Jareau." The brunette smirked. "Very clever. You do know that I'm better at this game though, don't you?"

"Oh, arrogant as well as a charmer." JJ laughed.

But Emily didn't laugh back, and instead jumped right in to making her point. "I'm in my office right now, JJ. Everyone has gone home, and I originally came here this late to pack up a few things before I spoke to Clyde tomorrow. And yet I'm just sitting here wishing that I could say goodbye to this room properly- with your pussy tight around my fingers as I fuck you on my desk." The blatant groan on the end of the line told her she'd already won, but she continued anyway as she pushed herself up from her chair and ran her fingers along it almost lovingly. "It's a pretty huge desk, probably cost them a fair bit of money… it'd be a shame to waste it. Having said that, this leather chair probably cost a fair bit too, we wouldn't want to waste that either. So maybe I'd prefer you to sit on my lap, your back to me and your hands gripping my knees as you…." She giggled with fake innocence. "Well, you get the picture."

And get the picture, she certainly did. Her eyes were wide with both frustration and arousal- one in the same really, but she couldn't work out if she was angry with Emily, or ready to surrender dignity and beg her for release. "I need to get off of the phone. Right now."

"Ah-ah." Emily shook her head. "Not a chance. If you get off this phone, I know you're going to get off and you're not allowed."

"Well fine." JJ shrugged. "I'll just do it right now with you on the line, I'm not shy."

Emily almost laughed, certain that she would never do such a thing, but the gentle groan that came over the line taught her lesson number one of dating JJ: underestimating her was never a good idea. "Hey, that's cheating!"

"Mmm, but it feels so good." JJ smirked proudly as she ran her fingers through her wetness- satisfied that she had outsmarted Emily Prentiss. "You still sure you're better at this game than me?"

"I think you're just tricking me." Emily commented with a slight pout; only half sure of her words. "You're not doing anything, and you're certainly not better at this than me."

Seeing a dare, JJ rose to the challenge. "Really? Let's see."

The muffling of covers and then a dull thud caused her to frown. "What… are you doing?"

"Ya see, Emily." JJ began as she retrieved what she was looking for and settled back against her sheets with her legs partially spread. "I really do know you better than you know yourself. And I know you like to watch, you like to study, you like to examine every emotion and detail in an intense moment. And I assure you… This…" She moaned deep and broken as she pushed the purple toy into her pussy. "Is going to be a very intense moment, and you're… not here to witness it."

I do believe the correct term is 'burn'. Emily blinked in astonishment as she realised she had well and truly lost this game- not that she cared a great deal, because she was currently being treated to the most delicious sounds emanating from her phone as JJ deservedly claimed her victory. She swallowed hard as she listened intently, her eyes open but distant as she pictured the sight that she was currently missing out on physically. "I wish I was there…"

"I know." JJ forced as she ground against the toy. "And that is why I'm going to get off the phone right now. This is my promise to you… to be waiting for you… with open arms… when you return. I love you."

"I…" Emily couldn't work out if she wanted to smile for the sentiment, or feel entirely foolish for having the tables turned on her. "I love you too. Think of me when you come."

"Always. I'll see you Saturday."

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With her house packed up and sent on its way, her familiarly easy goodbyes made to Clyde and her badge handed in prematurely – something she had been very grateful to her friend and ex-colleague for - Emily paused at her office door for a moment to study her surroundings with some kind of odd nostalgia and excitement. It was all the same really, this moment. She had upped and left so many times in her life that it was beginning to feel trite. There was no feeling in her abandonings anymore- but in this one, actually, there was, and a small recognising frown formed on her face as she realised that.

She wasn't abandoning, she wasn't running, she wasn't playing ignorant in favour of a false sense of safety- she was taking a giant fucking leap and trusting that everything she had tried to protect would be there to protect her as she fell. But it wasn't that that baffled her- it was the strangely freeing sensation that she felt in essentially confining herself. There was no turning back from this point- she had made a solid decision and leaving again wasn't an option anymore; she had done it far too much and the only option left open to her at this point was commitment, roots, a future that was both her own and another person's. And yet it felt like the chains around her soul were slipping away… She couldn't run anymore, but she didn't want to. She couldn't hide anymore, but hiding was farthest from her mind. Was it possible that the walls she had built to provide her with clarity and logic had actually hindered her vision? Was it possible that her protection had actually been everything that she had needed protecting from?

Was it possible that she had found her home? The life she was supposed to live, and one that she would actually be able to live.

She smiled as she thought of JJ; the unconditional love and understanding that had always been in bright blue that was now clearer than ever. Of Henry and the innocence and purity that he cast over every inch of her chaotic mind simply by being in her presence. Of the pillars of strength she had four thousand miles away in the form of angels that had never once let her down and, she now realised, never would. And then she thought of something else… something she had both unknowingly and deliberately shoved to the back of her mind since she arrived here on Thursday evening but now was burning bright at the very forefront of it; prodding her in a way that actually felt good. It wasn't the prod that she had come to fear over the years- it was the prod of actual instinct, not twisted malfunction, and she was so relieved to see it again.

There was one more thing she needed to do.

Taking a seat at her now almost bare desk, she tore off a sheet of office issue paper, rummaged through her mostly empty drawers for a pen and began writing:

Kate,

When I was younger, I used to think that relationships didn't really matter. Perhaps that had something to do with my father being nonexistent, but it was an engrained sentiment to think that nothing really lasts forever- people go as easily as they come and it's just a natural part of life that you either need to accept or continually be crushed by. I think I carried that mentality for a lot of years, took advantage of it even and used it as an excuse and justification for my own disappearing acts- and then one day someone told me, in the upmost honest way, that that wasn't how it was supposed to be. That relationships can last lifetimes and that she'd prove it to me.

She proved that to me. She proves that to me every day.

The funny thing about that though, is that it's two-sided and in never really trusting her words, I forgot the part I played in her keeping that promise. I was still working on the logic that nothing lasts forever, and because of that, I very much ensured that it didn't. I always had one foot out the door, in every capacity, in every relationship, just in case it turned sour. In fact, it's only been five days since I abandoned that sentiment… I feel like a baby deer, learning to walk for the first time and I know I'm going to fall- it's inevitable. But I also know I'm going to walk, and I'm going to run, and one day, the fear of falling will be long gone.

That same person also told me that some people are only a part of your life so that they can be a lesson… You were that to me. You are that to me every day.

My flight leaves in three hours- the flight that will take me back to the people in my life who really are forever and unconditional, despite me trying my damned hardest to ensure it isn't so. And I feel good. I found my happy place, I found my light- I found myself. I only wish that finding myself didn't mean realizing that I pushed away someone who could have been one of those 'forevers' too. But life-changing revelations almost never come to you at a time when you're still able to do something about it, and because of that, I'm pretty certain that I can't rectify the friendship I lost in you. But I owe you one thing and that's honesty.

You scared me. You scared me because you understood without having to be told and that shattered every silent certainty I held. You scared me because the distance I kept between myself and everyone I meet was no longer possible- how could it be when you demolished every false sense of reasoning that had formed that wall surrounding me? You scared me because you indirectly coaxed me to face the truth and instead of facing that truth head on, I ran like I always do and wound up further in the dark than I've ever been. I was a coward, and now there's no going back from that but a part of me doesn't want to because it lead me here. But I want to thank you, for being the honest person that in my mind, I never painted you to be, never allowed you to be. And I want to thank you for being a lesson too- it was a lesson I never even knew I needed, but… I think I aced the test.

You taught me so much and it's left me with this question, one you posed to me once upon a time: is that advice that you follow, or just that you give? You indirectly taught me to let people in and now I can't help but question… do you? Do you know what it's like to feel this free? Do you know what it's like to look at someone and know they love you exactly for who you are, rather than the person you pretend to be?

I wish I could return the favor and be your teacher, because I think I could show you a few things now but I barely feel like I have a right to leave you this note, let alone anything else. It seems somewhat self-righteous, presumptuous, kind of unfair and possibly an uneducated assumption too to do either. But more than anything, I wish that I'm wrong. I wish so much that the chains that suffocated me for so long, aren't currently suffocating you. And if they are, I wish for you the strength to realize it. Don't be me… Don't reach forty-three years old before you realize you're your own worst enemy and actually allow yourself to be happy. I really do hope I'm wrong.

Thank you for being my friend and not my shrink. Thank you for giving me honesty that I never realized I needed. Thank you for being my lesson, I guess.

I wish you all the best, Kate. Take care.

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She almost slipped on it as she walked through her office door; her heel providing no traction against the smooth material and causing her to have to grab the wall instinctively… and then keep her grip on that wall when she peered down and instantly recognised the distinctive swirls of her name that could only belong to one person.

"God dammit, Emily." She shook her head, lowered herself gracefully to grab the letter and added it to the pile of files in her left hand.

Perhaps she should have known this was coming, but honestly, she hadn't thought about it- there was really no need. They weren't anything, they'd never been anything… Emily Prentiss hadn't crossed her mind once over the past two months, and yet now that she stared at the letter currently laid out on her desk, she wished so much that she had. Maybe then she could have prepared some kind of logical response or feeling towards this moment.

And the words written there… elegantly scrawled across the paper like they had any right- they were just the icing on this unexpected fucking cake. What were they supposed to achieve? Probably more than she felt qualified to give.

She read the letter twice before her attention was diverted. The gentle and increasing thud of heeled boots emanating from the corridor was as distinctive as the words she had read, and she rushed out of her office against her better judgment– or perhaps without any prior judgment. "Emily?"

"Yeah?" The brunette turned slowly but instantly, her head subtly cocked to the side as she waited to see which way this would go. She was both hoping for and against something real to come out of Kate's mouth, and she was entirely uncertain whether it would.

"I…" She opened her mouth but the words died on her tongue as she looked down at the letter in her hand with a sigh; and when she looked up, her expression had changed. Walking towards Emily, she stood directly in front of her, her eyes studying the older woman like she was searching for her own answers; hoping that she would say the words for her. But after a moment, she fell at the feet of something else entirely- something so honest and yet hadn't even crossed her mind. "Why couldn't you have just spoken to me?"

Emily looked down in an almost nod; somewhat stunned before she licked her lips and looked back to the woman before her. "You're not the easiest person to talk to, Kate. Not anymore. Besides… I'm pretty certain you would have gotten far less than that-" She nodded towards the letter. "-if I did."

"Okay…" She nodded, seemingly a robot that didn't have a program installed for this conversation. "Okay."

"You don't have anything to say other than okay?"

"You're kinda lucky you're even getting that." Kate rebutted, far harsher than she had truly intended, but she honestly hadn't intended for this moment at all.

"Okay." Emily smiled in resignation – perhaps abandonment really would have been the best option –and turned on her heel to leave. "Take care, Kate."

"You don't get to make those assumptions." Kate almost yelled to Emily's retreating form; continuing when the older woman turned with an entirely confused expression on her face. "What makes you educated enough to deduce that I'm unhappy? I'm an intelligent woman, Emily; don't you think I would have done something about it if I was?"

"Not educated… Just able to recognise loneliness when I see it." Emily replied solemnly, sincerely. "Able to recognise it, because I know it so very intimately. Which means I also know that it doesn't matter how intelligent you are… it'll consume you from the inside out and convince you that you're undeserving of anything else." The only real expression on the younger woman's face was a slight softening of her eyes. She recognised that expression too- it marked the fight, the still present battle for ignorance and she nodded slowly as though it was some kind of message to the other woman; some kind of understanding or willingness to play along. "I'm probably wrong though, I've been known to be wrong in the past. But if I'm not…" She took three steps forward - three steps that the younger woman seemed to slightly take back - pulled a pen from her pocket and took the letter from Kate's hand. "You have this." She scrawled her US cell number there and handed it back to a still silent Kate. "You don't need a reason, you just need that and the knowledge that you can use it." Her eyes were solid and open as she spoke again – "Whenever." -before she disappeared from that building, that woman, that country…

…but not that life. Because it wasn't a separate life at all; it was a part of her story. A story that, as she peered out of the plane window several hours later to the semi-darkened sky, she realised she couldn't wait to submerse herself in.