Derek walked into the living room, wordlessly sat down in an armchair across from the couch and took in the broken face of his best friend. "Hey," he said, trying not to wince at the way the sound shattered the silence.
Mark lifted his eyes to meet Derek's. "Hey," he mumbled. They were silent for a long time. Derek knew better than to ask any questions. So he simply waited for the inevitable declaration, the one sentence that would explain why Mark looked so goddamned broken-hearted. And then it came. "She was pregnant."
Derek gave a slow, deliberate nod of his head. He clasped and unclasped his hands in front of him. "I know."
For the first time in the whole fifteen minutes they had been sitting there, life seemed to flicker across Mark's face. Anger flashed in his eyes. "You knew?" he spat.
Derek nodded again. "She came to me and told me and asked me not to tell you."
Mark shook his head fiercely at this whole new world of hurt that had been thrust at him. He ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. "Why?"
Derek furrowed his brow. "Why what?"
"Why did she tell you?" Mark said, his voice rising.
"They wouldn't let her go alone. Someone had to drive her home afterwards…"
"Who is they?" Mark asked.
Derek's face was solemn. "The clinic."
"Right. The clinic. The abortion clinic where she aborted my baby without even telling me." Derek blinked, recoiling from the raw bitterness that tinged Mark's words.
"Mark, you have to understand—"
"No!" Mark burst out, suddenly leaping to his feet. "No! I don't have to understand anything. You don't have to explain anything to me. I don't need anything from you." He towered over Derek, pointing one accusing finger towards him. "I have been fine on my own. I was fine." His voice was fervent almost desperate as if he was trying to convince himself of the truth to his words. "I don't…I don't need you. I don't need her. I don't need…"
His voice faded away into silence and then, suddenly, he was crying. The anger faded from his eyes as quickly as it had appeared and he was crying, tears pouring down his cheeks. He stumbled backwards and fell onto the couch, curling forward and into himself. "I don't need her," he choked out, addressing the ground more than Derek.
Derek bowed his head forward, letting it fall into his hands. "I'm so sorry," he said and his voice cracked as he tried to hold back his own tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mark…"
His voice trailed away into silence and the only sound in the room was the echo of Mark's muffled sobs. Derek lost track of the time that passed. It seemed to slow as he sat there. The five feet that lay between him and this person who had known him his whole life seemed to stretch until the distance was unfathomable. He wanted to reach across this canyon that had opened up between him, but he felt helpless, so he just sat there and waited.
"I'm glad you were with her."
Derek lifted his head out of his hands and looked across the room to where Mark was still sitting, his head bowed towards his feet. "You are?" Derek asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Mark looked up and brushed the tears off his cheeks roughly. "I am." He nodded his head. "I'm glad she…had someone," he said, his voice all honesty and broken trust. "I'm glad she wasn't alone."
Derek nodded and looked at his friend, the corners of his mouth tugging downwards. "She wanted you there with her. Not me."
"What?" stammered Mark, shaking his head. "No. No, sh-she didn't want me, she didn't trust me—"
"She loved you," Derek said, cutting off Mark's fading mantra. "She just didn't want to break your heart and she knew that it would break your heart."
"Is that what she told you? That she didn't want to break my heart?" His voice was tired and strained, barely above a whisper. He let out a long defeated sigh and tilted his head back towards the ground. "She broke it when she left, you know? I think…" He trailed off and swallowed, forcing back the tears rising in his throat. "I think that hurt me more than anything else ever could."
Derek nodded and leaned back in his chair, letting his head lull backwards. As he absentmindedly fixed his gaze on one of the cracks in the ceiling, his thoughts drifted towards Meredith and the ghost of a smile flitted across his face. "I know what you mean," he murmured.
Mark smiled knowingly. "Meredith?"
Derek smiled at the ceiling. "Yeah. If I ever lost her…God, I don't know what I'd do."
Mark leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees and pressing his hands together before him as if he were praying. "Was she…was she…okay?"
Derek shifted his gaze away from the ceiling and fixed it on Mark's imploring face. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "Addie's strong, but…" He closed his eyes and forced himself to fall into the memories of that day. "She didn't talk every much. I drove her to the clinic and walked inside with her. I offered to go back with her, but she said she wanted to do it alone. It didn't take very long. It was…it was shorter than I thought and when she came out…I'll never forget the look on her face. It was like she was looking for someone and it wasn't me." Derek shrugged helplessly and waited for Mark to say something.
"I wish I was there."
"I know you do."
"She did the right thing, didn't she?"
Derek paused at the question. He hadn't been expecting it, but it was what everything came down to, wasn't it? He gave one hesitant nod of his head and thought of Meredith. "Yeah, I think she did."
Mark nodded. "Of course she did," he muttered. He scoffed and the sound was bitter, self-loathing. "I'm a fucking asshole." He looked at Derek as if seeking confirmation, but he simply waited, regarding Mark intently. "I yelled at her. I actually yelled at her, Derek. I was mad at her, but for what? For destroying a baby that would've destroyed her life?" He shook his head and dragged a hand across his face. "I'm an asshole," he whispered.
Derek frowned sadly, knowing what Mark was going through far too well. "So tell her that. Tell her you're sorry."
Mark nodded and opened his mouth to say something when a knock on the front door cut him off. Derek frowned, but stood up and walked into the foyer. He shook his head disbelievingly when he saw who it was that was standing on his front porch. "Hey, Addie," he said as he opened the door.
Addison smiled tiredly at Derek. She looked almost as bad as Mark did. "Is he here?" she asked.
Derek nodded and moved to the side so that she could walk inside. When Mark heard her voice he stood up and walked into the foyer. "Hi," he said.
"Hi," she whispered and the sound broke in the middle. "Do you want to go for a walk?" she asked.
Mark nodded. "Okay."
As they walked outside together, Derek moved back into the living room and collapsed on the sofa, feeling the extent of his exhaustion. He stretched out against the cushions and closed his eyes as the sound of Mark and Addison's voices faded and he was left in silence.
xxx
Sometime before dawn, Meredith woke up. She turned on her side and frowned when she saw that Derek still hadn't returned. Rubbing her eyes tiredly, she stood up from the bed and made her way downstairs. She paused outside the living room, but when she didn't hear any voices, she tiptoed around the corner and came to a stop on the doorway. A smile flitter across her face when her gaze fell upon the sleeping form of Derek, sprawled out on the couch.
She walked further into the room and kneeled beside the couch. With a small smile, she reached out and pressed a hand into the center of his chest, shaking him gently. His eyelids lifted slowly and he smiled as her face came into focus. "Hey," he said.
"Hey," she murmured.
He smiled sleepily at her and then opened his arms in invitation. "Come here," he mumbled, his voice low and scratchy with sleep. He shifted over on the couch and she lay down alongside him, curling into his side and pressing her face into his chest.
"Where's Mark?" she asked as he ran his hand along her back.
"He's walking," Derek explained. "With Addison."
"Addison's here?" asked Meredith. At this point, she wasn't at all surprised.
"Yup," Derek replied.
"Hmmm," hummed Meredith, trying hard to sound like a concerned and interested girlfriend, but failing miserably.
Derek chuckled softly and pressed a kiss to her hair. "Go to sleep."
"If you insist," Meredith told him, before closing her eyes and letting herself drift off with Derek's arms wrapped securely around her.
xxx
Addison was tired. She had just spent six hours on a plane and the guy sitting next to her had been snoring so loudly she hadn't been able to get any sleep. Plus the crackers the steward had served her were stale and they had run out of peanuts. So she was tired and hungry and did not want to talk about what possibly ranked as the shittiest day of her life.
Mark was walking next to her looking just as tired as she felt. She was mad at him, she remembered, but it was really hard to feel the same anger she had felt at 10 o'clock that morning when he had stormed out of her room, because she was tired and hungry, but also because he looked awful and broken and not at all like the unforgiving ass that had hopped on a plane to Seattle instead of talking to her.
So instead of feeling angry, she just felt kind of sad and weary. Like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. Addison had read all the Winnie the Pooh books in fourth grade. She had chosen Tigger as her favorite, attracted to his unfailing optimism and all-around bouncy outlook on life. At the time she had had no reason to look at the world in any other way. For Eeyore, on the other hand, she had felt nothing but mild resentment for always being so gloomy and ruining all the fun. These days, though, she kind of understood where he was coming from.
They still hadn't said anything, she realized, and they had been walking for at least ten minutes. She opened her mouth to say something (decidedly adult and mature, she hoped), but she suddenly felt something warm brush against her hand and she closed her mouth again. When she realized it was his fingers she thought he had bumped into her by accident, but then she felt his fingers wrap around her fingers in a very non-accidental way. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards and she turned her head to chance a glance at his face.
"I'm sorry," he said without turning towards her. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"Thank you," she said, wishing it sounded more profound than it did.
He came to a sudden halt and she stopped a few feet ahead of him. Their clasped hands formed a bridge across the space between them. "I can't imagine what it was like for you," he said. His expression was so heartbreakingly earnest that she wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him it would be okay.
"I was okay," she murmured, but her voice shook and he knew she was lying.
"I wish I had been there," he told her.
"I had Derek," she said.
He shook his head and tugged her closer, his grasp on her hand strong. "I know," he said. "But it should have been me picking up the pieces. Not Derek."
She nodded and moved closer to him. She couldn't remember why she had been so angry. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she whispered.
"I understand why you didn't," he told her. He drew her closer and wrapped his arms around her waist and she knew he was more mad at himself than her.
He leaned down and kissed her firmly and she felt her heart lift a little. "Next time we have a fight," she said, "instead of hopping on the next flight to Seattle, talk to me." She smiled up at him. "It should be me picking up the pieces. Not Derek."
Mark grinned down at her and she lifted her hand to smooth his rumpled hair. He kissed her again and she started to giggle when his stubble tickled her lips. "You need to shave," she said.
He nodded. "You need to brush your teeth. You taste like stale crackers."
She giggled again and he remembered how much he loved the sound. "Always the charmer."
He grinned again. "You know I try."
So that's that. The mystery is revealed. And if you were wondering, Addie and Mark are gonna stick around for at least one more chapter. Maybe two.
So I heard tell that Derek is going to propose in the March 26 episode, "Elevator Love Letter". If the episode title isn't glaring proof enough, my money's on him popping the question in an elevator. How perfect would that be? Some of the best MerDer moments have been in elevators.
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