Chapter 37
Clarke found herself further despising what felt now to be a far too common occurrence of awakening in a hospital bed. It didn't help that this time her head was throbbing painfully. Again everything was frustratingly disorienting as the lights seared her unprepared eyes. "L… Lexa? Clarke's head protested the sheer idea of speaking and moving her head.
"No, she isn't here." Raven whispered, taking Clarke's hand.
"Wha? Where is she?"
"She went home with O to go grab your school supplies."
"Why?"
"Because Lexa has no interest in letting you leave the hospital till you can actually walk out of here on your own two feet."
"Fuck."
"Oh just you wait, they don't know what you need, so they are probably gonna bring you a whole damn art studio."
"Yup. Sounds… sounds like my alpha." Clarke winced painfully as she tried to sit up.
"Doc said you were dehydrated."
"He did?"
"Yeah. Here, you need to drink dumbass."
"How can I even be dehydrated, I'm hooked up to an IV."
"Don't ask me, the nurse left me a cup of water and said if you wake up it would help."
"O… k." Clarke forfeited as she felt a straw against her lips.
"Drink. You need it."
"I can hold the cup myself." Clarke huffed before taking a small sip to acclimate herself to taking on the hydration.
"Yeah, well I wanna hold it for you."
"I'm an alpha! I can take care of myself."
"Oh I have no doubt that you can, but in order to take care of yourself, you actually have to choose to do it." Raven pulled away the straw, now more forceful as she tipped the cup to Clarke's lips.
Clarke drank the unexpected rush of water as best she could, but still ending up with a small coughing fit when half of it went down the wrong way. "Asshole!" Clarke's sore and raspy voice huffed frustrated.
"Yeah, well it's what you get for not telling me."
"Not telling you what?"
"That you didn't just lose the baby Clarke."
"Oh… Lexa told you?"
"Octavia did."
"Makes sense." Clarke grumbled.
"How could you not tell me that Clarke."
"If you didn't already know the answer you wouldn't already have started in on the 'you have to choose to take care of yourself' talk."
"You're Not wrong."
"Ahh, beautiful words aren't they. But a more beautiful form might be just saying I'm right."
"Oh, don't you dare let it go to your head." Raven paused only to growl at her friend. "I still want you to say it out loud."
"Say what?" Clarke didn't want to admit it.
"You know what! Now, do I have to try to drown you again!" Raven offered the cup to Clarke's lips more gingerly this time despite the threat.
"Oh, I can see the headline. Alpha dies in tragic drinking accident. Water the chances!?"
"Clarke." Raven pushed.
"Fine. I didn't tell you because I don't want to deal with it! Happy?"
Raven went to speak but Clarke wasn't done.
"I'm fucking terrified, and I'm angry! And it isn't right! I fought so hard to be ok with this! To be happy about this! Accept that I could be an omega mother!" Clarke began to sob. "I was happy about it Raven!"
"I know hun."
"No you don't!"
"Clarke."
"You think I can't smell it?" Clarke screamed.
"S… smell" Raven was shocked.
"What if you had to fight everything you are to be happy about that little one you are growing! And then… it was taken! You didn't even know how or why before your alpha tells you you'll never be able to try again! And it's my fault! It's my fucking fault!"
"Clarke."
"Congratulations by the way." Clarke waived off before covering her face and her tears.
"This isn't your fault."
"I'm the one that pushed you every day to let me use your suppressants, and it's the suppressants that fucked my body up!"
"Then it's my fault too."
"How!"
"Clarke I'm a doctor. Well not yet. But you know. I knew what risks there would be, and I still let you take my suppressants."
"That doesn't mean it's your fault."
"And it doesn't mean it is yours either!" Raven pleaded praying she could convince the alpha that this didn't rest on her shoulders despite knowing Clarke would almost always willingly take on any burden despite its risk of breaking her.
"Yes, it does!"
"No, it doesn't Clarke."
"This is why. I didn't want to talk about this!"
"Clarke talking about it is better than scaring your alpha off by shutting down and being emotionless!"
"Raven… I can't…"
"What you are just so afraid of being the reason Lexa can't have kids of her own that you will live as a robot around her from now on?"
"Yeah! That was my plan." Clarke looked away, immediately seeing the infinite amount of flaws it held.
"Clarke."
"No." Clarke shut down, her arguments losing vigor like the last moments of sun before it sets.
"It's going to be ok."
"How?" Clarke grit her teeth despite how it made her headache sear worse and worse, feeling as if she deserved the pain for being so stupid and heartless.
"As long as you two alphas have each other, I'm confident you two will get through anything. But if you two act like idiots…"
"We will lose each other."
"Yes." Octavia sighed, relieved she broke through but disheartened at her friend's pain. "But you won't do that will you?"
"What am I going to say to her? How… how do you ask for forgiveness for fucking up your alpha's chance to have their pups." Clarke's eyes pleaded for any answer as she looked back to Raven.
"Well first, you don't need to ask, because I've seen the way she looks at you. You will always have her forgiveness as long as you are there and talk to her."
Clarke nodded, awaiting more.
"Second, you don't need her forgiveness. At Least not for what you couldn't control."
"But I could hav-"
"Stop!" Raven flicked Clarke's nose.
"Da fuck!" Clarke's hands shot up to cover her stinging nose.
"Bad alpha."
Clarke glared and growled.
"Growl all you want. But you stop saying you could have done anything. Because you couldn't have. You didn't know you could even get pregnant, and when you found out, you stopped your suppressants entirely."
"Yeah…" Clarke rubbed her nose.
"I know that wasn't easy on you."
"It wasn't fun."
"And you did everything your doctor told you too."
"Yeah."
"So this isn't your fault. You can let yourself off the hook."
Clarke nodded weakly, passingly aware that she could stop beating herself up, however still not completely ready to do so.
"It will be ok. Just give it time, and allow your alpha to give you hugs when she gets here." Raven took Clarke's hand holding it supportive.
"Thanks Raven." Clarke pulled her friend in close and hugged her close.
"No problem Clarke." Raven hugged back, filled with relief now that she knew Clarke was at least ready to try moving forward.
Less than an hour later, both Lexa and Octavia returned with art supplies and textbooks all but overflowing from their arms.
"Someone just had to prove their strength huh." Raven teased, giving a playful nudge to tell Clarke to play along.
"Uugh my alpha providing! And with what! Homework! Why thank the lord I'm already in bed, else I'd certainly collapse at the beauty of the sight." Clarke made a show of throwing her head back in a fainting motion.
"You don't get to joke about that anymore!" Lexa yelped frazzled. It was only after Octavia hip checked Lexa and gave an obviously fake cough that Lexa realized; Clarke was making jokes! She wasn't just a robot again! Lexa immediately became completely apathetic to the books and supplies in her arms, allowing them to drop to the ground as she lept for the bed. Lexa grabbed Clarke, pulling her close and placing soft kisses at the alpha's neck as if she hadn't seen her in weeks.
"Lexa!" Clarke laughed, wrapping her arms around the alpha clinging to her. "You ok sweetheart?" Clarke caressed down Lexa's spine.
"I am now." Lexa purred, the scene subtly becoming more lurid as Lexa dropped her hips onto Clarke, straddling and nuzzling Clarke's neck.
"Well, I'm glad those two are back to normal." Octavia rolled her eyes, plopping down the supplies she had brought on a chair.
"They are getting there." Raven whispered, moving to her alpha, holding to her.
"You ok baby?"
"I would like to think things will just go back to normal for them, but… just because Clarke is back to being able to joke doesn't mean she is ok."
"I'm sorry love."
"God, you smell fucking good." Lexa grew louder, her alpha rejoicing in feeling like she actually has her alpha close once more.
"Woah there girl." Clarke yelped, feeling how happy Lexa was to see her."
"Ahem! Is this the wrong time." A doctor made sure the women knew she was now in the room.
Raven and Octavia both giggled, watching as Lexa and Clarke turned a bright red.
"I'm glad to see got have your… appetites back?" The doctor averted his eyes, finding the mess of art supplies scattered across the floor.
"Wanna get off of me love?" Clarke requested.
"Nope! Not really!" Lexa burned with embarrassment, feeling herself frustratingly slow to calm down.
"Have you… eaten anything? Since you were admitted.
"Well not yet. But I have a feeling she was about to!" Octavia snickered.
"Bad!" Raven chuckled along. "You are so bad!"
The doctor glared at the two snickering in the corner. "I've already had several complaints about you two!"
"N… no, I've only had some water." Clarke answered, as she subtly tried to push Lexa off of her.
"Well, Ms. Griffin, I'm sorry we haven't had an opportunity to talk until now. Has your alpha informed you of what happened?"
Lexa's arousal died almost instantly as the doctor's words reminded her of what she and Clarke had lost. In Lexa's instant of mourning, Clarke finally succeeded in pushing the alpha off of her.
Lexa tumbled down to the ground with roughly the exact same about of grace as the books and art supplies she had dropped earlier.
Clarke's eyes followed Lexa just long enough to confirm that her alpha was alright before she snapped her attention back towards the doctor. "Yes. Lexa informed me that I had lost the child."
"I! Yes well… in the event that we do not have a next of kin or an ICE, it is hospital policy to default to an omega's alpha-"
"She is an alpha!" Lexa lept back up looking overly frazzled.
"Yes yes, I have a note of some sort referring to that from the ob-gyn who performed the surgery."
"Surgery?" Clarke looked from the doctor to a growingly distressed alpha.
"Yes. When we informed Lexa was it?"
Lexa shook and nodded quickly.
"When we informed Lexa of the risks of proceeding with the pregnancy, and the likelihood of viability when in comparison with the risks associated she decided we abort rather than risk simply fixing the bleed."
"R… risk? Abort? A… are you saying I could have kept my child?"
"I see that you did not, in fact, inform her." His eyes pierced with judgment.
"Lexa, Raven, Octavia. I think I need some time to speak with my doctor.
"Clarke, I swear-"
"I need you to leave right now Lexa!"
"Please Clarke, let me exp-"
"NOW!"
"Clarke, do you want me to wait outside the door for you?" Raven offered.
"I… yes, but I think it's best the alphas go home!"
"Clarke p-"
"Lexa I want my things packed when I get home."
"Cla-"
"You can do it or I can send Raven to do it! And if Raven does it you won't get to plead your case, because I won't be coming home to pick it up."
"I."
"Lexa." Raven whispered to get the alpha's attention. Even if she was actively infuriated at the alpha for taking such an important choice from Clarke she knew it was more important that the two get an opportunity to at least attempt to talk things out later.
Lexa's eyes pleaded with the omega.
"Lexa it's best you go home and pack for her. Please." Raven despised having to play peacekeeper for the alpha after having learned what she had done, but she held tight to the hope that there were extenuating circumstances that did something, anything to justify what she had done, even if it were only for Clarke's sale.
"Do you want me to stay?" Octavia offered with a soft hand at Raven's back.
"No, for now, I think it's time you two just go home and pack for Clarke."
"Ok." Octavia kissed her omega before moving to assist the shattered alpha out of the room.
"I'll be right outside hun."
"Thank you Raven."
The doctor waited patiently for the others to filter out before he spoke. "Did you have any questions first, or did you want me to explain the procedure?"
"Let's start with what happened, and why you allowed her to sign off on me having an abortion?"
"Like I said, it is hospital policy to allow the alpha of an omega who has no next of kin."
"And you couldn't have woken me up? Or asked me in any way?"
"No Ma'am, you and the fetus we're both bleeding internally. Which wouldn't have been as much as an issue but your blood typed didn't match."
"What?"
"Your alpha, Lexa. Her blood type is AB positive. And yours is O negotiate. The child's was B positive. Due to the effects of the over consuming suppressants prior to conception, your uterus was not properly prepared to carry the child. When something went wrong and the internal bleeding started we had to act fast. So no we could not have woken you up."
"I…"
"We gave your alpha two choices, attempt to stem the bleeding you both had and risk it happening again when you were not in a hospital, potentially killing you both, or abort the fetus, and ensure your safety."
"I..." Clarke stammered.
"She was frantic and pleaded that we do whatever ensured you could live. We were at the time certain that you two could try again at a later date with a much higher chance of viability if you were to stop over consuming suppressants. However, after we learned that the cause of the bleeding was scaring of your uterus. I am very sorry to inform you, but what your alpha told you is correct. We suspect it is impossible for you to have a child."
"Ok." Clarke nodded.
"Do you have any questions Ma'am?"
"No. If you don't mind I would like to talk with my friend who stayed."
"Yes Ma'am. By the way, if all goes well, we have you scheduled to be able to leave in two days."
"T! Two days! I have school to get back to!"
"I'm sorry ma'am but we need to monitor your progress, and I would like to see you eating food again before we release you." The doctor added on his way out.
"I'll make sure she eats." Raven assured as she passed the doctor.
"Good, and I trust with the alphas gone there will no longer be any disturbances."
"We'll do our best." Raven gave a hopeful look to a less than warm reception from the doctor.
"I take it you were listening in." Clarke rolled her eyes.
"Course Clarke."
"What do you-"
"Clarke I love you. But no."
"Raven."
"No Clarke. I can't make this decision for you."
"I'm not asking you to make it for me!"
"No, you are just asking me how to feel about it all because it's overwhelming."
"How could it be anything other than overwhelming!?"
"I know Clarke, I know."
"I love her… But she…"
"I think it's best we eat, for now, you have a couple days to sort out your feelings."
"You still got that Chinese?"
"Course I do, and I got your favorite."
"Thanks Raven." Clarke purred as her friend hugged her, giving her the reassurance she desperately needed after the nightmarish whiplash of emotion she had endured in the past couple hours alone.
End of Chapter 37