When Nell awoke, it was with some confusion. This wasn't her room, with the sun coming pouring in through the sheer net curtains. She ddin't have a brass bed for starters. And she certainly didn't have wallpaper that was covered with a profusion of rosebuds, far less a fireplace. Who on earth has a fireplace in their bedroom? she wondered sleepily. Of course, there was only one possible answer to that, and a polite knock at the door announced the arrival of the lady herself.
"I hope I didn't wake you?" Despite the early hour, Hetty was not only up but fully dressed. It was somehow impossible to think of Hetty in nightclothes.
"No, I was awake." Nell lay back on the pillows and smiled at her hostess. When Hetty had arrived yesterday, breathing fire and brimstone, Nell had known with complete certainty that her nightmare was about to end. With remarkably little effort, Hetty had cut through official protests politely but firmly and brooking no possible objection to her proposal that she should be released.
"My own personal guarantee should be enough. Or would you prefer I have Sec Nav offer some other form of surety?" She stared blandly, daring them to call her bluff, all the while knowing she was on to a sure thing. That was the advantage of having a formidable reputation – it tended to precede her and put the fear of death into people.
Agreement was being reluctantly agreed when the call came, the blessed call that ended any question of prolonged incarceration, the call that started the wheels in motion and ended up with all charges being dropped and Nell being issued with an official apology. By that stage she was so tired she could almost have cried from sheer exhaustion and had thus not been able to put up even a token resistance to Hetty's proposal that she stay the night.
"Did you sleep well, dear?"
"Like a log," Nell confessed. "I think I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillows."
"You clearly needed it then." Standing at the foot of the bed, Hetty placed both her hands on the footrail and gripped tightly. "I really am so very sorry. I can't begin to apologise enough for what happened."
"It wasn't your fault."
"It happened on my watch – or rather what should have been my watch. Only I wasn't there."
"You can't be everywhere." Nell felt uncomfortable: it was as if she was seeing a side of Hetty that was normally kept well-hidden. "You're only one woman. There's limits to what even you can do. You can't be responsible for all of, all of the time."
"But that's the problem – because I do feel responsible. You are all here – in OSP, I mean – because of me. You are my team. Each one of you was hand-picked by me. So that makes me responsible for you. You don't think I would accept just anyone, do you?" A hint of the familiar ascerbity was creeping back into her voice now.
"You personally chose me? Wow." Nell's eyes widened in surprise.
"I personally chose you," she confirmed. "Out of all the candidates I was presented with, you were the only one I would have considered. Does that make you feel any differently about continuing to work for NCIS?"
Okay, this was getting seriously weird. Either she'd said something last night, or Hetty had just developed mind-reading capabilities. "How did you know I was thinking about resigning?"
"I know you, Nell. If I didn't know you after all the time we've spent together, then I wouldn't be dong my job and I wouldn't be fit to do my job. And you haven't answered my question."
"I don't know. I honestly don't know how I feel right now." Apart from scared. Scared it will happen again and you won't be there next time.
"Perhaps you should think over your options? After breakfast, of course. It's impossible to think clearly before breakfast, I always think; the Queen notwithstanding."
"The Queen?" Nell asked faintly, beginning to wonder what other guests Hetty had entertained. She knew her boss had an impressive list of contacts, but even so…
"From Alice in Wonderland, of course. The Queen of Hearts said she often believed up to six impossible things before breakfast – but then she was a very unusual lady. You really should read more widely, Nell. As you get older, you'll find comfort and solace in a book that is an old friend. Unlike people, they never let you down and are always there exactly when you need them." With that parting shot, Hetty withdrew, leaving her young guest to wonder if she had just fallen down a rabbit hole herself.
Unfortunately, things were no clearer after breakfast. All Nell was certain of was that although she loved her job, she was terrified of the possible ramifications of her job and the accusations that might be levelled against her. One thought kept running through her mind: what if there was no Hetty to protect her next time something happened?
"I told you before – I am only one person. I'm a small cog in a very large machine. Don't over-estimate my importance, Nell."
"Sometimes the absence of one small cog can mean the whole machine stops working."
"Don't overestimate my importance: I can be replaced. One day, I will be replaced. Besides, it was the team who discovered the proof of your innocence – the whole team, working together."
"But it was you who went to bat for me," Nell insisted.
"And if I hadn't been there, then it would have been Sam. There will always be someone, Nell – I can promise you that."
It was reassuring, but Nell still wasn't sure. The shiny excitement of her job had disappeared – it was now tarnished with a dull fear that she could not subdue. She'd been so frightened… it would be hard to forget that, to move on from that and to stop worrying that it was going to happen all over again. There had been a time when she had harboured hopes of maybe going out into the field as an agent, in the same way Nate had done, but now she knew that was not even a possibility. Having to look over your shoulder the whole time, always being on the alert, being prepared to be taken captive – yesterday had shown Nell that she could not cope with those sorts of pressures. She'd started crying the moment she was hustled into the anonymous dark sedan and she'd continued crying pretty much up to the point when Hetty had helped her into bed and had tucked her under the covers with a hot water bottle because she was shivering so much. Perhaps it was her imagination, but Nell had the impression Hetty had even kissed her on the forehead last night.
"How do you do it?" she asked curiously. "How do you cope with all the strain and the knowing that at many moment things could go wrong?"
Hetty thought for a moment. "We do it because someone has to. And because, deep down, every agent thinks that he or she is invincible – that it will never happen to them." She looked at her watch and realised that Charles Brent's funeral was about to take place. "Of course, we are either very stupid or very good at deceiving ourselves."
They drove in silence for a few moments longer. "You have to make a choice, Nell and time is running out."
"I have to decide now?" Nell felt her stomach clench in fear.
"You do. So let's break it down: right now you have to decide if you are taking the day off or if you are coming into work with me." It was best to take things in easily digestible chunks, Hetty had found. Tackle the small issues first and watch as the larger problems start to gain greater clarity.
"I'm coming in," Nell said decisively. "Apart from anything else, I want to see everyone – and to thank them."
"Then that's what we'll do." Hetty permitted herself the luxury of a smile. It was a small step, but after all, as dear Lao-Tzu had said, the longest journey begins with a single step.
"She's coming!" All morning, Eric had been monitoring the security cameras, just waiting for this moment. "Hetty's just pulled into the garage and Nell's with her." He looked at the team. "You're all ready?"
Sam gave him a cold look. "We're highly trained agents – I think we can manage this."
"I don't know – I might have to go and lie down afterwards."
"That's because you're not an agent, Deeks – so it might be a bit much for you. Just make sure you go and lie down alone. No sex on the job. Not while I'm still in charge."
"Really? I thought things were going to get better when Hetty went on vacation – I was wrong."
"Why do you sound so surprised? You should be used to being wrong by now. That's pretty much the story of your life."
"And I thought that things couldn't get any worse than listening to you and Callen do that whole buddy-bickering business. Looks like I was wrong. If I close my eyes, it's hard to tell the difference." Kensi shook her head sadly. "
"But if you open them again, you'll see I'm a whole lot taller, better looking and with great hair."
"Don't delude yourself, Deeks."
"You can't deny he's taller than Callen."
"That's not saying much. Everyone's taller than Callen. Except Hetty. And Nell. But apart from that…"
"Shut up. And get in position." Eric leant over the railings. "They should be coming in any moment."
If Nell had harboured secret hopes that she could make an unobtrusive entrance, she was doomed to disappointment. A veritable barrage of party poppers greeted her arrival and in seconds she was covered in a mixture of streamers and confetti.
"It was Eric's idea," Kensi whispered as she hugged her. "But we've all missed you. Welcome back."
And the strange thing was that in an instant, Nell realised that there was nowhere else she would rather be, because this was where she belonged.