Plot: When he's alone at home, or when he can't sleep while his little lover is snoring noisily, Yuki Eiri is bored. So he talks to Shuichi... in his own way...! Eiri x shu

Note: Still a worker! Still a wife! Still a mum! Still busy! :D Hence the late update, sorry! Thanks a lot for your reviews anyway! :)

Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes! ;-)

January 6th.

Tohma apparently thought it was a good idea to send a copy of Cool Teenz Magazine modified issue to my place.

Fuck Seguchi.

Oh, I won't say anything about the ridiculous controversy started on Bad Luck message boards (yeah, I shamefully still go there... ) by a bunch of losers who bought the magazine yesterday, before the interview was modified. Some say I'm a pervert, others wonder if I use a butt plug while masturbating. Gah!

Fuck them.

And I'm not talking about the "Amazing! Your New Year gift: Sakuma Ryuichi ring!". The original one is horrible enough, but the plastic copy one is just... No, there's no word to describe it. My libido dropped to near zero the second I saw you wearing it on your right hand, just beside THE ring I gave you.

Fuck Sakuma.

I'm not talking either about that picture of you. Page 21. This one was enough to reboost my libido after the "Sakuma ring" incident. BUT... Can you tell me where I was when you posed half naked with that mischievous smile on your face? And no, 'you were busy drinking Budweiser' is not an acceptable answer! Even drunk, I would have never let such a thing happen! I am the only one allowed to check out your sexy hairless chest! And I'm not being possessive or anything! And it's not bad faith! And I am not annoyed! ... Or just a little... For the millionth time, I am no lender!

Fuck the photographer.

Nope.

I'm talking about all the crap inside the magazine.

The crap you read with great interest when I, Yuki Eiri, DELIBERATELY gave you this magazine. I had no idea those simple pages would lead to disastrous consequences...

"You suck, Eiri!" You exclaimed disdainfully while reading it.

"But I never swallow," I said without tearing my eyes from my laptop.

"Do you find yourself funny?"

This time, I paused and looked at you, a proud grin on my face.

"Yeah."

You let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm being serious, Eiri! You should have been born a few days earlier!"

And there was me thinking you were about to yell at me about the moustaches I had drawn on several pictures of you, or the "IS A DICK" I had added next to Sakuma's name in the title of an article. Disappointment.

Instead, I learnt I was a Pisces (Now you know why I forget about your birthday! This isn't my fault! Everybody knows fish have no memory! You said it yourself!) and, according to your precious magazine, if Aries (because you're an Aries) and Aquarius (what I would be if I had been born a few days earlier) make a great couple, Aries and Pisces have no future together.

"Good news! I was so scared to be stuck with you forever! I'm gonna reactivate my Match account straight away!" I smirked.

I'm lucky you couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle. Elliott the parrot's been less lucky though, as your slipper hit it on its head. The TV console's definitely not a safe place to be.

Then you tried to talk me into adopting a child because Lionel Richie, Angelina Jolie and others I can't remember did it. So tell me, did you really believe this would convince me? Just after the nightmare Mini-Brat gave me?

"But I'd take care of him!" You protested.

Sure... Remind me... How many times your Tamagotchi starved to death again?

Anyway, all this was nothing compared to the "How well do you know your loved one?" quiz.

You made me take it. I scored 3 out of 20. Enough said.

I'm gonna drag that bloody journalist off to court. I mean, how am I supposed to know the name of your first pet (and I promised I wouldn't say anything about keeping a woodlouse as a pet), or what colour were your socks yesterday?

Now you're sulking. I usually wouldn't complain about it as at least I get some peace and silence this way, but I wanted to get laid, badly, and... you told me you wouldn't do anything until I learn the names of all the hamsters you owned from kindergarten till secondary school.

Fuck Cool Teenz Magazine.

.

.

.

.

Alright... Their hair tips are kinda interesting (did you know lemon juice can prevent natural blonde hair from darkening?) and that peanut butter cake recipe page 105 looks fantastic! Maybe I'll give it a try tomorrow.

.

.
.

Who said I read that magazine, huh? Because I didn't! I've only leafed through it and I... well... there were those... Godammit!

Fuck you!

Thanks for reading! :)

Anecdotes: I had plenty of hamsters from the age of 5 till the age of 26 AND I did keep woodlouses as pets when I was younger. They were cute, they even had babies! All went well... until I left for three weeks of holidays. I couldn't leave them alone in their terrarium (it needed to be moisturized everyday), so I decided to put them back to my garden. And as I wanted to recognize them when I'd get back, I painted them with Tipp-ex. They didn't like it very much... RIP.

Published on july 15. 2011