A/N: Welcome back my faithful readers! I am so very, very sorry for the long wait. I have decided to do away with the litany of excuses (bullshit) and just get this show on the road.
I apologize for any and all errors, and please do not forget to leave me a review at the end and tell me what you think. Without any further ado, on with the show!
Chapter Thirty-Six: Kindred Spirits Sing
Tony wanted to punch the guy in the face. Really, who does he think he is? Scaring the shit out of Tony (almost literally) and making him spill his coffee no less. But then Tony saw the spark of fear that flashed over the eyes of the soldier and Tony remembered exactly who he was dealing with and that he should very much proceed with caution, so the genius sighed then decidedly punched him in the arm instead.
'Like it's actually going to hurt him.' Tony thought sarcastically.
Barnes only tilted his head. "Ow?" He smirked.
"All right, keep it up, asshole, and you won't get any of this coffee." Tony warned.
Bucky put his one hand up placatingly, seemingly looking contrite. But Tony was able to discern a few lingering tendrils of mirth beyond his gaze.
He seemed to be doing much better today. Tony idly wondered if Wanda had done something for him. Tony shook himself out of his thoughts and turned to the coffee station. He picked up a mug and handed it to the soldier.
"Here, help yourself." He said as he handed it over.
It probably should have been more concerning that he had handed Barnes Steve's mug but the look of serene gratitude on the soldier's face shattered any doubt. Steve wouldn't mind any way.
As Tony moved out of the way and began to sip at his own cup of coffee, he absently watched the soldier prepare his cup. His idle curiosity soon morphed to morbid disgust when the soldier did not stop at two spoonfuls of sugar, as would be normal, but continue to add spoonful after spoonful until he had reached five, heaping ones at that. Bucky turned and smirked at Tony's unconcealed revulsion.
"Got enough coffee with your sugar there?" The genius piped up.
Barnes smirked and stared at him for a moment, he rose one eyebrow then took a big gulp of scorching hot coffee.
"Nope." He replied simply. "Still not strong enough though." He added, his eyes dancing with mirth.
"You're unbelievable." Tony huffed.
He shook his head and walked back to his desk. In that time, the soldier downed the last of his mug and made himself another before following Tony. The genius plopped down unceremoniously on to his chair and groaned audibly. Perhaps, he should not have sat down with such abandon, his sore body had protested vehemently. The soldier stood somewhat awkwardly by the desk.
"Make yourself comfortable." Tony indicated a chair at another workstation not twenty feet away.
Barnes nodded curtly and pulled up the chair indicated. He sat for a moment before becoming a bit restless. He opened his mouth to speak. "I –"
"Nah ah, not yet." Tony cut him off. "This cup must be empty before we start- whatever this is gonna be."
Barnes nodded in understanding. He sat back and stared down into his own cup.
Tony looked at him exasperated. Really, he was not expecting Barnes to come around. At least not so soon. Now that he was here the genius did not know quite what to do with him. Sure, they needed to finish calibrating the painkilling device and eventually get a full body scan completed. Then they needed to talk about what their options were regarding replacing the soldiers arm. Unfortunately, there was much they needed to do to work up to that point. Diving right in is what kind of fucked everything up the last time.
He sighed then sipped at his coffee some more. It was nearly at the perfect temperature where he could take solid drinks without burning the fuck out of himself. He almost envied the way the soldier was able to drink his coffee right after pouring it from the pot, without flinching, then going back for more. At least he was civilized about it. He'd seen Clint on numerous occasions take the entire pot and drink from the spout, the animal. He groaned internally.
"Who shit in your coffee?" Barnes spoke up gesturing to Tony's apparent scowl.
"Clint." Was Tony's immediate response. Bucky's eyebrows shot straight up in surprise. Tony backtracked. "I mean he hasn't actually shit in my coffee but that man has no respect for your everyday coffee drinker." He clarified.
Barnes tilted his head to the side. "From what I have gathered he is quite the coffee enthusiast." He supplied.
"An uncivilized one!" Tony retorted with benign venom. Bucky watched him queerly. "Never mind. Just hang tight while I try another variation and set up some programs. You're welcome to as much coffee as you want, just don't drink straight from the pot." Tony warned almost wild eyed.
"Who'd do that?" The soldier demanded in disgust as he stood up and walked back to the coffee station.
"That uncivilized animal, Clint, that's who!" Tony shouted as he started to rapidly type away.
-0-
After two cups of coffee and three more failed algorithms, Tony sat back and sighed and proceeded to turn to goo in his chair. Barnes had been watching him entirely fascinated. He was completely mesmerized and awed by Tony's capacity to code so rapidly.
"You done?" The soldier inquired. He was amazed by the genius's dramatic antics.
"Shh, I am one with the chair." Tony replied ignoring Barnes's question.
"Okay, Mr. one with the chair, are you done?" He asked again.
Tony sighed, "yeah for now." Now that he was sufficiently caffeinated he knew he could not put this off any longer. "All right, let's head over to the lounge area over there so that we can talk." He paused when his stomach growled rudely. "And maybe attempt to eat something." He added.
Oh yeah, he was supposed to find something to eat before Barnes snuck up on him.
Oops.
Bucky only nodded.
They headed on over to the lounge area, the very one in which our genius and Clint had their talk in. The very place in which he decided to maybe, just maybe, give Barnes a chance. And here is where he was going to give him that chance.
They sat down comfortably and had Jarvis send up some snack items. Fruits, meats, cheeses and crackers were among the foods laid out before them. They were easy finger foods so they could eat at their leisure and not be pressured to eat anything more than a single cracker if that is the absolute smallest amount either could keep down.
Tony looked Barnes up and down as he nibbled at one such cracker.
"Well, to start things off, I'm glad you're here. Honestly, after last night I definitely wasn't expecting to see you so soon." Tony began. 'Or at all.' He thought in amazement.
"Yeah, I wasn't expecting it either, I was pretty adamant in my decision last night." He replied.
"So, what changed? It couldn't have been my half-baked speech last night."
"Sort of, there were a few things that changed my mind. I thought about the things you said to me, and you are right for the most part. Though I still think your overall plan is beyond stupid." The soldier answered pointedly.
"Stupid you say? You should hear about the one I came up with almost a week ago, it would make my current one sound utterly brilliant." Tony stated with a cringe.
"Oh? Would it give Steve a run for his money?" Bucky asked in faux seriousness.
"Definitely, and beat him by a landslide." Tony replied with a smirk.
"Why do you seem so proud of that?" Barnes squinted at him.
"Because in a weird very stupid way I am." Tony replied deadpan.
Barnes suppressed a laugh. "Figures." He muttered.
"So, what else convinced you to change your mind?" Tony asked getting back to the point.
Barnes hummed deep in thought. He turned a cracker over in his hand and focused on it like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"Natalia…" He began. "She agrees with you." He stated finally.
Tony rolled his eyes internally, 'Of course Nat can get through to him.' He thought almost bitterly.
"And…" The soldier spoke again. "I slept."
"You slept?" Tony repeated mildly confused.
"I never really sleep, not fully, not deeply." He clarified.
Tony nodded, oh how he knew how truly elusive sleep could be.
"It's always nightmares." Barnes continued in a whisper. "Every night and day nightmares. It's always the same, always remembering what Hydra did to me and subsequently what I did to others." He said darkly.
Tony knew the hell he must be going through. He had his own demons and nightmares after all. The genius nodded and waited patiently for the soldier to continue. Barnes turned the cracker in his hand over again. He lifted it to his lips intending to take a bite but then stopped, grimaced, then set the cracker back down.
He sighed then continued his explanation. "But last night was different, after you left Natalia came to me. She had made some equally good points and somehow I fell asleep." He thought hard for a moment "actually, she may have knocked me out, but somehow the result was… cathartic." He mused. "When I woke up I- I felt… better. Things just seemed clearer somehow." He tried to convey with a painful smile.
Tony watched as he picked up the cracker again and this time took a bite. He sighed contentedly then continued, "I thought back to the kind of man I used to be before the war and even during. You are definitely right there is so much I must atone for. Doing my best to not let the world crash and burn sounds like a good place to start." He mused.
Tony nodded almost encouragingly. In all honesty, he felt the same way. There were many, many things that he too must atone for.
"Well then, if you intend on fighting for this world then we need to get you combat ready. And to do that we need to fix your arm." Tony said jovially.
Barnes looked down at the shattered remains of his arm in unconcealed disgust. Tony watched him idly.
"I know that this is going to be difficult for you. The procedure is going to dredge up a lot of nasty memories. But we will have Wanda help you like she did before, okay?" Tony suggested trying to sound reassuring.
"Okay." Bucky agreed, wholly unconvinced.
-0-
"No." Wanda stated adamantly sometime later after Tony and Bucky had come up with a basic game plan.
Tony had called her up to go over his idea. There were some obvious miscalculations in his plan considering she had just now adamantly said she wasn't going to help Barnes.
"What? Why? We can't really do this without you." Like seriously most of their plan hinged on her help.
"Please do not misunderstand. It is not that I do not want to help, it is that I am unable to help." She replied regretfully.
Barnes sighed and Tony groaned both internally and outwardly.
"You did it before, right? Why can't you now?" Tony asked. He could feel the tendrils of panic and desperation lick at his consciousness.
"Before, his mind was more malleable, like red-hot iron lit aflame from the resurgence of his memories that Hydra, had for so long, viciously suppressed. Back then it was easier to create something like a fence or wall to control the torrent of memories. Much like the gaps in a fence or windows in walls he could selectively view and recall specific memories at will without them consuming him.
But now his mind is like cold iron, hard and unyielding. Not just his mind but his very brain is healing from the influence of Hydra's torture. I had noticed this as we traveled together. The walls I put up would disintegrate faster and faster and become harder and harder to create. As I am now, I do not have the capability to create another wall and even if I could it would shatter just as soon as it was created." She explained regretfully.
"Fan-friggin-tastic!" Tony exclaimed with the howl before sinking into the sofa with a long-suffering sigh.
He pressed his palms firmly over his eyes and tangled his fingers into his dark hair. What were they going to do now? They really needed to, at the very least, complete the soldier's medical analysis without him breaking out into a homicidal rage. Why is the universe so hell-bent to be against them!?
"It's fine!" Bucky's voice broke through Tony's inner turmoil. It was clear, confident and… authoritative? "I can do it." He declared resolutely.
The soldier spoke in such an unyielding way that he gave Tony goosebumps, so much so that the genius felt a spark of hope blossom within.
'Yes!' Tony thought exuberantly. 'This is what I've been looking for!' He waited for the soldier to continue.
Bucky ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. "I know I can do this." He said again a little less forceful but no less confident. "I refuse to be Hydras prisoner any longer. They've controlled my actions for far too long. They will not control my decision in this." He clutched at his shirt over his heart. "I refuse to continue to be paralyzed by the fear and hate Hydra created within me. I will not be a useless lump on the floor while everyone else is putting everything on the line to fight this fight." He looked up at Tony, suddenly making eye contact. "There's no way in hell I'm taking a backseat for this." He smirked.
Tony beamed and Wanda smiled almost fondly.
"Well, if you're sure you can keep your head screwed on tight enough, I think we have a little painkilling device to calibrate." Tony quipped. He grabbed a small handful of grapes as he stood up and shoved them into his mouth before speaking again. "All right! Let's get this show on the road." He declared before heading toward his workshop.
Barnes and the Maximoff girl exchanged something of an exasperated look before quickly getting to their feet and following Tony out the door.
-0-
In nearly no time at all Tony had Barnes perfectly situated in the exam station Tony manufactured for him. This time, however, they had Wanda nearby ready to step in the moment Barnes became overly distressed. And just like their first awful attempt at this twelve days ago, all the parameters Tony set up where the same.
After removing his T-shirt, Tony felt slightly self-conscious as he noticed the Maximoff girl attempt to discreetly examine the webbing of scar tissue surrounding his arc reactor that was visible above his undershirt. He haphazardly tossed his Black Sabbath shirt aside for Dumm-E to pick up later and took his position behind the soldier with the small painkilling device in hand.
"All right, is everybody ready for this?" He asked, his tone thick with false severity.
"Just shut up and stick the damn thing on me already." Bucky barked.
Tony made an obscene gesture behind Bucky's back before gently moving a lock of brown hair aside revealing the back of the soldier's neck.
"You do realize I can see you in the cameras, dumbass?" Barnes remarked irritatedly.
"Good, then you know they're working." Tony replied before deliberately making an absurd face at a camera then winking at Wanda.
After ignoring Bucky's subsequent response at calling our genius a Dumbass again under his breath Tony placed the device on the back of the soldier's neck right at the base of his skull.
"Okay, I'll stick the nodes on now then we can get to the hard part." Tony informed as he began placing the said nodes on the soldier's temples.
Barnes only nodded as he began to sort through Tony's personal files once more.
"Okay, let's fire her up." Tony announced.
He nodded to Wanda to indicate that she should be on alert from here on in. It did not escape Tony's notice how the soldier stiffened seemingly to physically brace himself. The moment Tony did turn the device on, however, Bucky went ramrod straight. After a moment, he relaxed and began to fiddle with the screen again.
"Okay." Tony let out something of a sigh of relief. He could almost make out signs of his own relief mirrored on the Maximoff girl's face. 'Well that's a good sign.' He thought, but they were far from done, unfortunately.
"I made several more adjustments to it after collecting data from the last time." Tony remarked. "Now it will transition into effectiveness much more gradually. Personally, I like the idea of being able to turn pain off like a switch but for you, however, a much more subtle shift is needed."
Bucky grunted in response. "I'm always in pain. Pain is certain and the lack of it was disturbing. I'll be dead when there is no more pain."
"Which is why we are not going to completely take the pain away this time. We'll leave just enough so you know you're still alive." The genius assured.
"Hn." Was the soldiers only reply.
As the genius was monitoring the device's stability on his phone he happened to glance at what the soldier was currently looking at on the computer.
'That bastard's buying shit on Amazon!' He had realized too late.
"What the hell are you doing!?" Tony practically screeched as Barnes had just clicked one day rush on a designer oven mitt, fifteen pairs of novelty sunglasses, a toilet plunger, and a ten pound bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans.
Bucky turned and looked up at Tony with wide innocent eyes. "Taking advantage of my full, unrestricted access to all your personal shit." He replied, his innocent façade never wavering.
"You wipe that innocent look up your face, jackass, and stop buying random shit off of Amazon. I have enough random shit lying around here from too many drunken sleepless nights." Tony grumbled.
"I see, you must have been drunk and tired while buying this thirteen inch vibrator. Why is it red, white and blue, I wonder." Bucky pondered, maintaining his false innocence.
Tony went red in the face realizing now that Barnes was going through his Amazon order history. The genius snapped out of his mortification when Wanda slapped her hands over her face desperately trying not to laugh out loud.
"Okay, have your fun. Want to see what happens when I fuck with the settings on this device?" Tony asked deviously.
"Okay, I'll stop fucking around… for now." The soldier muttered as he went back to browsing about Amazon. The genius huffed to himself knowing that this was likely far from over.
"How, are you feeling? We've nearly reached the plateau point." Tony asked getting back on task.
"Fine. The gradual transition is better. And it's not as tingly as it was before." Barnes remarked.
"Good. Let me know at once if it gets to numb for you." Tony instructed. The soldier only nodded.
Ten more minutes passed in relative silence. Tony was making a few more adjustments to his calibration when he felt a shift in the Soldiers demeanor. His shoulders slumped and he seemed to sink in on himself just a little. He looked over to Wanda to see if there was any cause for concern, but he only saw that she seemed to be somewhat downtrodden. He looked over the dark-haired man's shoulder to see what he had stumbled upon this time. When Tony saw what the soldier was looking at he, all at once, realized the cause of this somber mood change. Barnes was looking at some pretty expensive, high-quality art supplies.
'Steve…' Tony understood.
"You know, there was a time Steve could only dream of working with tools like this. Now, they are so accessible it's kind of ridiculous." The soldier mused lowly, his voice gravelly. "There was a time I believed that I would outlive Steve, with all his illnesses it was a given. But then the little shit had to go and get all enhanced and then I was absolutely sure that Steve was going to outlive all of us out of sheer stubbornness alone." He uttered a bitter humorless laugh. "And yet…" He trailed off with a hitch in his throat.
Wanda hugged herself and looked away. Tony pressed his lips together into a thin line. The soldier did not need to finish what he was going to say. The genius knew exactly what Barnes was thinking. Ironically, Tony was once sure of the same.
End Chapter 36
A/N: Thank you all for reading! Hope you all come back for the next one!