Chapter 35
Jo and Irina exchanged a telling look when Radj arrived.
He looked awful. Well, still maddeningly handsome of course – but worn out, worried and – pissed.
His usually impeccable black hair was ruffled – which gave him a sexy 19th century romantic hero–look, at least that was what Irina immediately thought of – and he had totally wrinkled his cook´s jacket.
Jo wasn´t one to hold back on her opinions, and she told him hers the moment she saw him come through the back oor.
„You look like shit, Radj! Can´t go in like that, man!"
Radj glared at her, but didn´t answer. He was just too spent for that.
He changed into a fresh jacket and combed his hair accurately in front of the small mirror in the „dicks only"-room. He stared at his reflection for a minute.
Cas´ face right before he had entered the Intensive Care Wing. So frightened. And resigned.
How could this mean love? Radj didn´t get it. There was far too much pain and anxiety involved as far as he could tell. Wasn´t love to be meant as a fountain of happiness and joy and star spangled nights? About promises...love was about promises. And about keeping them. Not making them, breaking them and making them again in a never ending circle, destroying trust and hope on the way.
He shook his head. He was wrong, obviously. Love seemed to include all of this, at least for Cas and Dean. Dean...who sure had made Cas very happy during the last years – Radj was not above admitting to this – but had also dragged him into some really dark and unhappy spots.
Radj splashed cold water on his face angrily. He would never have put Cas through things like this. Never. He would have cherished him. Parts of him were angry about Dean, for being who he was; parts about Cas, for choosing Dean; and a great part about himself, for not taking the chance of making Cas his when there was still time.
Talking of missed opportunities...
He dried his face and glared at his own face in the mirror once more.
Don´t blame Dean for your own ineptitudes. As Jo said, it won´t make Cas love you.
Radj swallowed hard. His own eyes looked at him accusingly. Because for a moment he had given in to the one thought he had buried deep deep down in his mind for the whole afternoon, since Cas had taken the phone call from Bobby.
What if Dean died...and Radj would be the one to pick up Cas´ pieces.
„Cas!"
Sam was on his feet the moment he saw his friend stand in the entrance.
Bobby looked up from the Grip Magazine he had pretended to read.
Cas just stayed where he was for a moment, looking lost, rubbing his face.
Sam went over to him and looked into his tired face only for a second, before engulfing him in one of his huge, warm hugs. He felt Cas´ back and shoulders go rigid.
„Cas", he repeated, voice gentle and almost inaudible.
And Cas crumpled. His walls, those huge, massive fortress walls he had built and hold up since the last time he had found Dean in a hospital, were coming down. He leaned his head against Sam´s broad chest. Sam felt his friend´s body relax...he practically went limp. And started shivering the next moment. Bobby stood at the table, not sure what to do. He didn´t know Cas as good as Sam, but as far as he could tell, the man looked as beaten as you could get. Heartbroken, thought Bobby. That´s what heartbroken must look like.
Sam brought Cas to the sitting area. He didn´t say anything tho, just let Cass find his own time to talk – or stay quiet. Bobby appreciated that. No wonder Dean had always spoken highly of their tall neighbor.
„The doctor gave me the speech", Cas finally said, gravelly voice calmer than the other two men had expected, but flat.
„...about decisions I´ll have to make eventually."
Sam cringed. After what the nurse had told him, he had feared exactly that.
There are decisions no one should be forced to make, he thought.
He cleared his throat.
„But...we are not there yet, right? It´s the first day, Cas. Dean has shown he´s tough before."
Sam watched his friend intently. Cas nodded slowly.
„I know..."
He plugged at his jacket´s sleeve. Sam noticed a dark red spot on it.
„But this time...this time there might be complications, even if he does wake up. Organ damage. Transplants maybe. Long time rehab at least. Or even...brain damage."
The last words came out as a hoarse whisper.
Bobby went numb. Brain damage. Pictures floated through his mind, of people in wheelchairs, and others dragging their feet agonizingly slow; of stammered, blurred words, and drooling mouths. Glazed eyes.
„But this...but...they can´t tell, right?", he burst out, to cut out the pictures mostly.
Cas looked at him, startled.
„Ahm...no," he said. „Chances are fifty-fity, the doctor said."
Sam´s face expressed what Bobby felt.
„We´ll have to hope, then", he said.
He took Cas finally down to the cafeteria, where they both took something randomly and forced themselves to eat a few bites. Sam saw to it that Cass drank his juice and finished at least quarter of his burger. He looked like he´d be throwing up though.
Cas fiddled with the napkin on the table, rolling it , opening it again, tucking at the corners.
Finally he looked up. Sam was taken aback by the expression on his friend´s face.
He had thought he had already seen pain. Obviously he had been wrong.
Cas´ voice was only a croak.
„What do I do, Sam?"
His blue eyes so huge. So frightened.
„I cannot...I can´t..."
Sam took his hands in his.
What can I possibly say to you, Cas...what if it was me sitting there...and Gabe lying in a bed somewhere in this hospital...there are no words to soothe this pain. And none at all to make this easier for you.
„Don´t...don´t give up on Dean yet, Cas. You hear me? The point may come where you´ll have to make a decision. But not yet. Now..now there is still hope, right? We´ll stick to that and cross the bridge when we get there, OK?"
He saw a tiny smile on Cas´ lips then.
„That´s what Dean always says", he murmured.
Sam smiled too.
„I know. And he´s right."
They drove up in the elevator again, each of them lost in their own thoughts. The non -committal music was oddly out of place.
Cas wanted to stay in the hospital of course, so Sam went to call Gabe to make him gather a few things for him and for Cas at their neighbors´ appartment – they had exchanged keys long ago. He wouldn´t hear about leaving Cas alone this time. It was Saturday the next day, he didn´t have to work.
He felt so relieved to hear his partner´s voice on the phone he actually had to stifle a sob.
„Sam? Sammy? Are you OK, man?"
Gabe immediately was on alert. Sam hastily tried to calm him.
„I´m OK, Gabe. It´s only...this is such a mess. And I hate to feel helpless. And Gabe..."
He rolled his eyes at himself, but couldn´t help saying it.
„...I love you, man. Should tell you more often..."
He heard Gabe clear his throat.
„Oh God, this must really be pulling you down if it comes to this..."
He turned serius though, something not happening too often. Gabriel used to get over drama with irony and sarcasm.
„I know, Sam. I love you too."