A/N I don't feel like putting the lyrics in, but the song is "Knock Three Times." It doesn't fit at all, but I just used it for the ultimatum kind of atmosphere. Anyways, I'll let you guys hate me in about two chapters. No matter what happens, KEEP READING!! Read until the very end, and then read the afterward because I promise you that you will appreciate reading the story through. I wouldn't just leave you guys upset at me. Thanks for all my wonderful reviews. R/R!

Making yourself believe you don't need someone while they're states away and making yourself believe you don't need someone when they're just a few miles away are two totally different things. When Ryan was in Texas, I would believe that I could really live without him. That I could have this baby and give him all of my love instead of Ryan. That maybe things would turn out okay and Ryan and I could move on and maybe he'd meet someone else and get married and have kids of his own. And then maybe on that day he could look me in the eyes and tell me that he understood why I did what I did and that it was the right decision.

But ever since he left that day, or at least his body left, I feel like nothing will ever be right again. And maybe it won't. Maybe years from now I'll look back on this moment and say, "I shouldn't have done that," and regret all of this pain. Maybe I should go back to Ryan on my hands and knees begging and pleading for him to come back to me. Maybe I'll go tell him I'm so in love with him that I'd marry him right this minute if he wanted me still. Maybe only then will I be able to finally feel happy again like I used to.

His words keep playing in my head, "I'll go and never come back, but know that I'm going to Iraq in a couple of weeks….And I can't live without you."

What was that supposed to mean? Would he die while he was over there? I had to know that things would be alright with him, that my sacrifices were for a greater good, not a lost cause. Because no matter what Steve did, I had the final say in the matter, and I was doing all of this for Ryan. No one may understand it, but he didn't need me. He needed someone that could offer him so much more than I could. He needed someone who didn't have all the extra baggage that I did. He needed someone that wasn't as insecure as I was. He deserved so much better than me, and I knew it, but sometimes I wondered if he did.

The day of our anniversary (or what would've been our anniversary) I told myself that if he called, I'd take him back. I carried my cell phone with me all day long and stayed by the house one. Steve didn't notice and my mom was too drunk, but I waited and waited for his call, because a part of me wished he would just ignore everything I said and still fight for me. At one part of the day the doorbell rang and I quickly got up and made my way to the front door, wishing it was him. And when I opened the door to reveal who it was…it was Summer. And when I saw her I cried and she frowned.

"You really know how to make a person feel loved," She said sarcastically. That made me cry even harder because I had pushed Ryan away when he loved me. Summer immediately came over and hugged me. "What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

"It's my anniversary with Ryan and he hasn't called!" I said, closing the door after Summer. She started walking with me up to my room and gave me a confused look.

"But I thought you guys broke up…"

"We did!" I said, crying even harder.

We got to my room and Summer led me to my bed. "So let me get this straight. You're crying because Ryan hasn't called you on your anniversary after you broke up with him, refusing his wedding proposal?"

I nodded and sniffled. "It's just so wrong!"

She rolled her eyes and said, "Your mood swings threw me for a loop there."

"This is not a mood swing," I argued back. "This is real feelings. I love him, Sum." I start to cry again.

She hugs me and tries to comfort me the best she can with my pregnant belly. "I know you do, sweetie."

"I just wish that things were different. Why'd it all have to happen to me?" I asked with a sigh.

"I don't know, but it will get better," Summer said, rubbing my back soothingly. I sighed once again.

"I just want Ryan," I mumbled.

All through that day, Ryan didn't call.

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With New Years and Christmas gone, I knew it was only a matter of time before Ryan left. He was supposed to leave two weeks after he came and it was getting really close to two weeks. One day I had the strangest feeling, one that cannot be explained. But before I knew it my feet were carrying me through the house and I was opening the front door to reveal Ryan. Despite what I knew was right in the kind of situation, I smile and move aside, motioning for him to come inside. But when I see what he's wearing, I stop dead in my tracks. Sunglasses.

I just don't like sunglasses. The day you see me wearing them is the day that I lose hope in the world. That's what my mom did."

He looks down at the ground and then looks at me with his hands on his hips. I see a backpack on his back and wonder what it's doing there. "Um…hi.." I say quietly, wanting nothing more than to reach out and yank those sunglasses off and kiss him hard on the mouth.

"I didn't ring the doorbell," He says, looking at me for a long moment. I can't see his eyes and it bothers me because I love looking into those blue eyes of his.

I shake my head and say, "You didn't have to."

"How did you know I was there? I just got here," He says, his voice devoid of any emotion. I want to shake him until he can feel something, anything…even anger. I want to know that I haven't ruined his life, that things will get better like I'd hoped for him when I broke it off with him.

I shrug and say, "It was the weirdest thing. I was sitting in my room on my bed when suddenly I just had this strange feeling. I came down here, opened the door…and there you were."

"Hmm," He says, and looks down.

We're quiet for a while and then I finally break the silence. "Ryan, you're wearing sunglasses." I look at him accusingly.

He feels up his face at the sunglasses, and then lets his arms fall back to his sides. He shrugs and blankly says, "Yeah, I guess I am."

"You said that the day you wore sunglasses you was the day that you lost hope in the world," I remind him, not pleased with his indifferent attitude.

He shrugs and says, "Maybe I have." He looks at me, but I can't see his eyes and it's making me angry. Why won't he let me look at him? And then my answer is suddenly clear as day. Because I told him not to. Because I told him to leave when I should've told him to stay. Because he thinks that I don't love him and that I can just throw him out on his own without caring. He thinks that I'm over him.

"You promised you would never do that," I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering. It's no use though.

"You said you would be here for me when I get back," He shoots back, worse than a slap, especially since there was no trace of anger behind it.

"Ryan, take off the glasses," I order him, reaching up for the glasses. He backs away when I touch him, acting like I hurt him.

"Marissa, just back off okay? You lost whatever right you had to tell me what to do the other day," He says, his voice low and soft. My lips begin to quiver, a sure sign that I'm about to start crying. "Don't cry," He says, tilting his head. He makes a move like he's going to come comfort me, but then he doesn't do anything, just lets his arms fall back into place.

"You didn't call the other day," I say, thinking about our anniversary.

"Was I supposed to?" Is his baffled reply.

I shrug and say, "I figured you would've. It was our anniversary."

"Would've been our anniversary," he corrects. He sighs and then says, "I don't get you."

"For the record, I never really got you much either," I say, staring at him for a long moment.

"Why is that?" He asks, raising an eyebrow. I can see it going up, even though I can't see whether his eyes are amused or annoyed. "Because I have reason not to get you, but really, you have no reason not to get me."

"Because I didn't get how you could ever love me when the whole world was against me," I say quietly, avoiding looking at those sunglasses that hid his eyes from me.

I imagine he rolls his eyes right now. "Shows how much you listened to me. I guess maybe I should've seen this all along huh?"

"Seen what?" I ask, getting upset again. Was he implying that I never did love him?

"Seen you pulling this move on me and ending it. Maybe you never did love me," He says, and then walks further into the house. "I brought you something, that's why I'm here. Not to accuse you."

"Really, because you're doing a really good job at it," I spit back bitterly. I walk with him and we reach the living room. Ryan sits down on the couch and I sit next to him, probably closer than I should've. But I have this feeling that after this visit I won't see him for a while, if ever again.

He takes the backpack from on his shoulder and hands it to me. It has my name on it, written in cursive. It's a bag, not one of those bulky bags with two straps. It's beige with pink lettering that makes my eyes water. "You didn't have to…" I murmur, looking up at him with tears in my eyes.

"I bought it before I left and forgot to give it to you. I didn't want the money to go to waste," Ryan says like it's no big deal. He doesn't even look at me, just leans back on the couch and stares straight ahead.

"Are you ever going to forgive me?" I ask softly, putting one of my hands on his arm. He's warm, soft, and I just want to lean into him and kiss him one last time.

"I'm not angry," He says, still not looking at me. "I'm not angry or upset. In fact, I don't feel much of anything right now."

"Ryan, you can't do this," I say, putting a hand on the side of his face. He looks at me reluctantly, I can tell by his body language. "You can't hide your emotions. You can't hide from the people that love you. You can't just be this shell of a person for the rest of your life."

"It might not be that long though," He says, looking away from me again. He stands, getting away from my touch. I sigh and close my eyes to fight the tears that are threatening to fall. "I leave tomorrow," He tells me, and I remember the last time that he left. How could things have changed that much? "And I might never get back."

"Don't talk that way, Ryan," I say, opening my eyes wide to look at him.

"It's true though right?" he says, his voice still blank. "How many people go to Iraq and never come back home?"

"You've always been different…more special," I say, standing up and looking at him. "You were always more special than everyone else. You can defeat becoming just another statistic."

"But do I want to is the question," He says, and suddenly I feel the full impact of what I did. I lose my breath for a second there.

"Ryan, you can't, you just can't," I say, taking a few steps towards him. And just like I did all those months ago when he tried to talk to me, he takes steps back and crosses his arms over his chest. He's blocking his heart from me, or at least what's left of it. That makes my own insides ache terribly.

"What's it to you if I die though? You obviously don't and never did love me," He challenges, his tone finally letting itself become bitter. I'd rather take the bitterness than the emptiness any day, because at least I know this way he can feel something. Maybe he'd come back after all.

"Ryan, I did love you," I say, the tears back in my eyes. "You have to believe that."

"Why would I believe such a thing? I mean look at how easily you could just get rid of me. Obviously you don't love me and never did," He says, his tone getting angrier and angrier. "You know, after everything…I didn't expect you to be the one that hurt me."

He starts to walk away but I put my arms around him to stop him. "Ryan, I can't let you leave me like this." He doesn't move and I tug on his arms to turn him around. He looks at me for a minute and I pull off his sunglasses, revealing his beautiful blue eyes. I stare into them, and he stares into mine. His eyes are lighter than I've ever seen them, the person that used to live in there gone, taking away the color with them. I shake my head and say, "I loved you."

"Loved," He repeats, his voice now empty again.

"Ryan I--"

I was going to tell him that I still love him. I was going to say that no matter what he thinks, I still love him more than anything in this world. I was going to say that I needed to do this now, but hopefully someday we could be together again. I was going to say that I wanted him to come back, that I still wanted letters, that I still wanted to hear his voice. I was going to say that I wasn't doing this to hurt him, and that it was killing me inside just as much as him. I was going to tell him not to let himself die because I was hoping in a couple of years I would be able to be with him again.

But then Steve came, and I shut my mouth. I stared into Ryan's eyes, trying to tell him that Steve was the reason this was all happening to us. That when I learned how to stand up to Steve, things would get better between us. But instead Steve said, "Ryan, you're here."

Ryan stares at me, and says, "You were going to say something."

I nod and say, "Yeah, I was." I feel Steve's hand touch my shoulder and I take a step away from Ryan, watching his eyes to see what he'll do. He doesn't look at Steve, just stares into my eyes, whatever life that had been sparked by what I was about to say totally vanished after I say, "But it's not important anymore."

He finally looks at Steve behind me and I want him to punch Steve. I want Ryan to kill Steve and then the two of us can run away together. "I got you the backpack because I won't be here to carry your books anymore," He says, and then turns to leave.

I watch him go, Steve's fingers digging into my skin, restraining me from going after him. When he's finally gone, Steve says, "Too bad about the boy."

I turn and slap him hard across the face. "Don't touch me, don't talk to me!" I yell, and then back away from him. Steve comes and grabs my arm, then hits me across the face.

"Are you forgetting who you're talking to?!" He yells, and then hits me again. I whimper a little, but then stand strong once again. "You have no right to talk to me that way!"

"Ryan could kill you if I told him you were threatening me!" I shout at him and back away, grabbing the backpack.

"But the boy doesn't care about you anymore. He obviously doesn't care about anyone, and will go get himself killed in the stupid, meaningless war," Steve says, his voice now back to its normal, annoying self. "It's too bad, I could tell you really liked him."

I glare and then stomp up the stairs. I feel my baby kick and rub my belly, whispering to it that I'll never hurt it like I've been hurt by my parents and everyone else. When I get to my room I open the bag and see a letter in it addressed to me and open it.

Dear Marissa,

I don't know what happened while I was gone, but it changed you. But that's not what I'm writing about. You never answered my question. Do you still love me? Because if you don't, then I'll go away, but if you do…

Tonight I'm going to go to your house and park the car outside from exactly 7:00-7:05. If you still love me, if you still care about me at all, flick your bedroom lights five times. But if you don't, then keep it dark or don't do anything at all. Just ignore me, and at 7:05 I'll go.

Regardless, I love you.

Ryan

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At seven that night I attempted to make my way upstairs to my room, ready to send the message to Ryan. Steve had taken away my phone, making sure I couldn't call Ryan, and hid all the house phones from me. I wasn't allowed to leave the house because I might go run away to Ryan. I reached the stairs and Steve says, "Little girl, come here for a second."

I glare off into space and ask, "What?"

"I was thinking…should we have a nursery or do you just want the crib in your room?" He asks, blocking the stairs from me. I begin to wonder if he saw the letter.

"Um…I don't know, which do you think is better?" I ask, looking up the stairs, wanting to get to my room.

"Your room would be less space taken up," He says, rubbing his chin as if it's a puzzle. I sigh and he smirks at me. "In a hurry?"

"Yeah, kind of," I say, trying to get past him.

"Why?" He asks, his face twisted in an evil grin.

"Because I really want to go to bed. I'm tired…" I say, faking a yawn.

"It's…" He looks at his watch. "7:02"

"I know, it's been a long, emotionally draining day," I say, which was true.

He shrugs and says, "I think you should come watch TV with your mom and me. She's actually sober for once, and that doesn't happen often anymore.."

"Okay, great, I'll just go do something in my room really quickly and then come back," I say, trying to get past him once again. He shoves me away gently and shakes his head. "Steve, let me go!"

"I'm not going to move anytime soon…" He says, a grin still plastered on his face.

"Mom!" I yell, wanting to get backup.

"Marissa, I'm watching the television! Can't it wait?!" She yells back.

I sigh and say, "No, it' s a matter of life and death here!" Once it's out of my mouth, I realize that it probably is a matter of life and death…Ryan's life or Ryan's death, depending if I get upstairs in time.

"Oh, okay! I'll help at commercial!" She yells back, earning her a roll of the eyes.

Steve looks down at his watch and smirks. "7:04 and 50 seconds…" He moves aside and I get up the stairs as fast as I can with my pregnant belly. Of all times, my baby decides this is the moment to start kicking, slowing me down even more.

When I finally get to my room, I switch the light on and off just like he told me to. I walk to the window and hope to see him there, but instead see nothing. I look at my clock and start to cry. It's 7:06. Ryan never saw the lights.

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You guys are making it fun to do this now. When I started it out, only a few people would talk to me, but now a lot of you are.

Reviewer of the chapter: Lindsay

Ashypoos: Hmm…I'm going to remain silent…

J7chick18: Next chapter will be him in Iraq, and his POV. After that it'll be Marissa and relatively the same time span for two chapters, and then it'll be jumping again.

Najeda: I'm sorry…

Girlz-Rule: It's good you didn't doubt Ryan, lol. And don't stop believing in love at first sight! I'm just a pessimist, so don't listen to me. I was wondering when you'd notice the date..

Leytonfan911: Sorry, no can do.

Captain oats 3: Hehe. Make sure you get the big pack, you'll need them.

Juzzy88: Aw, are you better now?

Elly: Happiness is very overrated. Happy people are annoying half of the time too with their sunshine and always seeing the better side of things.

Francesfresh007: Why do you hate your life at the moment?

BlueDepths: Real life Steve is pretty nice now.

Ryan and Marissa Atwood 4ever: You'll have to wait and see how things go..

Sailaway: You may like it, but I don't think Ryan will be happy if she has sex with him and then says they can't be together anymore. It would break his heart…even more. Robert is not in prison, but never did get married or have kids of his own. I can't wait to write the next chapter. Maybe I'll post it tomorrow, depends on how much time I have.

CohenNAtwood: Well, they'll get it right in some stories, but in some stories they're just not meant to end up together.

Lindsay: Aw, I'm sorry.

G- Yeah…the broke up…officially…perhaps forever…

Ally: Thanks for the song. I don't think I'll use it cause I have all the rest of the chapters planned out, but thank you for the suggestion. I hope things get easier for you with saying goodbye.