Driving Lessons

by Startled Boris

After destroying his 14th car, France has been told by his government that he has to pass his driving test. The only person 'willing' to help him is England - in return for help in getting a date. Chaos ensues. *Standalone story, not a sequel* All the usual characters turn up: Pru, Den, America, Pol, Russia, Scotland

35. Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Acknowledgements: thank you to the following for reviews/favourites/alerts/ PMs: RebelsAdvocate,, Monskuuti, Zeawesomepasta, Woody569Gamecraft, datteroflucifer, rowerlovesastronomy, browsofglory, imiregretsnothing, icococandy, GalaxyGirlEm, gnomiegnome, itsalwaysbeme, Sarite, weirdonamedbrie, the Oracle of Akemi, CriticalThinking, RebelsAdvocate, eleanoralovesananias, TheMoonRaven, RoseRune, aphDadmark, Still a Lover of Franchises, Deciduous Forest 208, Yu-Gi-Oh Trekkie 99, RaptureChamber, StealthSage, yukia9tendo, Mondmaedchen, Bayboo20, England 2410, mossflower1234, ChildoftheMoon86, Gwen-Van-Well, The Silent Lilac, Supergrassaysyaaasss, Azmine Junet, febrezedtrash, magondala, BrownieTheFangirl, ppurpple, mssunnymuffins, espeon64, oh-cripe-my-fish, Renchikara, LucediDio,mirrorkirby64, quity190, Kathryn Daughter of Hestia, Elizaveta Hedervary - Hungary, spooky ghost flower, nightowlof2, Mondmaedchen, Siemsen, gintama200, phyllite, ravengal, not-philosophical, magicflyingmintbunnies, AllHellBrokeLoose666, GoneInASecond, Shikyoblossom20, theworldofhetalia, Acvodadkawall, skywolf2001

Driving Lessons Chapter 35 Everybody Wants to Rule the World

"Who's he?" America asked England, pointing ostentatiously down the long table.

"Shut up and didn't I teach you that it's rude to point?" England said.

"Yes but who is he?" America asked again.

"How do I know?"

"Man, I don't know half of these people. Shouldn't it just be me, you, Francy-pants, although I don't know why, China and Fat Russkie?"

"Shush! Do you want to get us killed?" England hissed. He then put up his hand and asked a man in black trousers and a white shirt if they could bring some tea and biscuits.

"I'm not a waiter! I'm Ethiopia!" said the man. "Imperialist!"

They were sat around a long table in a high-ceilinged room. Secret Service men guarded the door.

It was a UN Security Council meeting and England found himself in the unfortunate position of having America one side and France the other. France lounged in his chair, fiddling with his phone. Across from them sat Russia who stared intently at England. Next to Russia sat a very tall dark Nation who England assumed was some ex Soviet Republic. Next to him was a South American Nation who England didn't know. China sat at the head of the table and seemed to be in charge. Italy sat next to him and was muttering to himself and looked as if he were going to cry.

"They are rotating members of the Council," England whispered to America and smiled at Ethiopia as an apology.

"What do you mean? They're not rotating?" America said loudly.

England rolled his eyes. "For God's sake. There's a rotating membership! There's us - the permanent members…"

"God, I'm bored now…" America moaned.

"Shut up and try not to say anything too stupid. I'm sure all this can be sorted out…"

"Who are you anyway?" America yelled to the South American across from them.

"I'm Bolivia," the man said. He glared at America.

"Right… Shouldn't you be wearing a poncho?" America asked.

England nudged him so hard he was sure he'd bruised the Superpower.

"What did I say? Oh right… a sombrero then?" America said.

Everyone shook their heads.

"I've got a sombrero!" Russia piped up cheerily.

"Can we get on with the meeting?" England said with a sigh.

"We're still waiting for some members to arrive," China told him.

"Mine is really big!" Russia said, extending his hands either side of his big blond head. He was obviously referring to his sombrero but France almost fell off his chair.

"Can we at least have some tea and biscuits?" England asked again.

"You're obsessed with bloody tea, you are," someone said behind him.

England turned round and found himself face to face with his brother along with King Malcolm.

"Ah King Malcolm… I wondered how you'd got on."

"Aye, I got arrested at Kings Cross Station. There is no King there, nor no cross. It was a mis-advertisement. So was the Sunny Delight from the vending machine," the King said. "It was not a delight," he said sombrely and took a seat next to Bolivia and introduced himself. "Hallo, I'm King Malcolm of Scotland."

"Erm… Hola?" Bolivia said slowly.

"Erm I think, King Malcolm, that you'll find you're not invited to this meeting," England said.

"I'm a Head of State I am!" King Malcolm announced.

Scotland sat next to him. "Aye he is."

"Yes about 900 years ago," England said.

"Your Scottish mates are completely crazy!" America said.

"I asked them to come," Russia said, smiling.

"Hola means hello in Spanish," America confided to England.

"I know that!"

America looked disappointed and took the pen that was in front of him (they all had a pad and pen on the table in front of them) and began taking it apart.

The door opened and Sweden walked in, he greeted them all and sat down.

"I don't suppose you know if there's any tea to be had?" England asked.

"I'm not a waiter!" Sweden told him.

"I didn't say you were but…"

"Stop obsessing about your bloody tea, yer bloody Sassenach!" Scotland yelled.

"And you can shut up! You weren't even invited!" England countered.

"I'm with a head of state!" Scotland countered.

"So am I!" England said and pointed at King Henry VI in the corner. "Oh bloody get up will you? Mr Russia's not even looking at you." He added.

"Yes I am," Russia said.

England shook his head.

"Who's the dude with you, Russia?" America asked.

"Kazakhstan!" Russia said.

Kazakhstan stood up and bowed.

"Wow…" America looked suitably impressed. "Is that like erm…" he looked to England.

"I don't know… next to Russia, I think."

"He is one of my Soviet brothers!" Russia said happily. He then nodded to Kaz, "You can sit down now," he ordered.

Kazakhstan nodded. "I was going to bring all my brothers, the Stans, but I was not allowed to." He looked at Russia fearfully.

"A Stan party is not a good thing," Russia said wisely. "London would not be a good place afterwards."

"Really?" England looked bemused.

"Really." Russia confirmed. He glanced at Kazakhstan, who looked bashful.

"I have not brought any balloons with me this time, Big Brother Russia," Kaz said. "Or my yak," Kaz added.

"Balloons?" England ventured.

"Big Brother Russia does not like balloons," Kaz explained.

"They make me jump when they pop," Russia explained.

America snorted.

Russia glared at him. "Nobody wants to make me jump," he warned with a growl.

"Who in the name of cricket are we waiting for?" England demanded, trying to dispel the sudden drop in temperature and the rising tension.

The doors were flung open, the security men saluted and a rather short person returned their salute.

"Okay everyone? All present?" the person asked the security men.

They nodded, "Yes Sir."

It was Mr Kumajiro, dressed in badminton whites and brandishing a racquet. He wore a sweatband around his head and one on his right wrist. "Let's get this over and done with, shall we?" he told them all.

Everyone gaped. Apart from Russia and China who both nodded.

"What in the bloody hell?" England blurted out.

"It's Mr Kumajiro," America whispered.

"I know who it is!" England yelled.

"Is this some kind of joke!" said someone else. It was Italy. He jumped to his feet and then sat back down, muttering to himself. In fact he wasn't just muttering to himself. He was muttering to a microphone inside his jacket lapel, but the others couldn't see this.

Everyone frowned at Italy.

"Can we please just get on?" England asked exasperated.

"Yes precisely. I have a badminton match later with the US Ambassador," Mr Kumajiro told them.

"Can polar bears play badminton?" Bolivia countered.

"Why not? There's a court at the US Embassy," Mr Kumajiro said.

"I think Mr Bolivia is asking because you don't have opposable thumbs," England pointed out.

Some of the Nations nodded. But only 'some'.

"Don't you oppress me!" Mr Kumajiro said and then added, "I don't have time for this!"

"Yes, let's get on with this meeting to shame England and his despicable altitude!" Italy cried out.

"Altitude?" England said, frowning.

"What?" America said. "You've lost me, dude."

"I mean attitude…" Italy said and put his head in his hands and was whispering again into his jacket lapel pocket. He was also fiddling with an earpiece.

"Take that bloody earpod thingy out of your ears, silly little Italian and can we please just get some bloody tea in here!" England yelled.

"Yer a disgrace, brother. Yer shouldn't be shouting at the younger Nations like that," Scotland said.

The door opened and Canada came in with a tea trolley. "I'm bigger than most of you here," he was muttering. He banged the tea tray on the table and slammed a plate of biscuits down next to it and slammed out.

"I'm bigger than him," Russia said proudly.

France sniggered. He was still on his phone.

England snatched it off him, "Will you bloody put that away and concentrate?"

"Give that back! It's important!"

"What is this?" England peered at the screen. "Candy crash?"

"Crush!" France yelled.

The other Nations had been quietly discussing the security implications of England's house being the centre of a thermonuclear device when France shouted, "Crush crush crush, you stupid Englishman!"

"I say!" England said quietly and poured himself a cup of tea. He pocketed France's phone. "I'll take this. You can't be trusted."

France crossed his arms and went into a massive sulk.

"So are we all agreed that England is hereby not allowed a military? A show of hands, please?" Mr Kumajiro said.

"Aye…" a flurry of hands went up.

"Wait? What?" England took a bite of a custard cream and spat it out. He knocked America's enthusiastic hand down quickly. "Put your bloody hand down, Alfred!"

"Well you cannot be trusted with a coffee bean grinder, England," China said wisely, his hand up.

"Da. I agree with Mr China. He is very wise," Russia nodded.

"I agree with Big Brother Russia because he's bigger than me," Kazakhstan said. "Now this is over can I visit the zoo?"

France kept his arms crossed. "I'm having nothing to do avec zis. And because I am a permanent member of ze security council I can veto ze vote."

"Nobody's listening to you," Russia said.

"Right, thank you everyone. Now I can go to my match…" Mr Kumajiro said, picking up his racquet.

"I agree. Mr England cannot keep his armbands… I mean armies… I said armies… and his navals. He cannot be trusted because he's… a silly person," Italy was saying and then said in an undertone, "I'm not saying that, Luddy. I like Mr England…"

"What are you talking about, Italy?" Ethiopia piped up. He also had his hand up, England noted. "You were always an idiot. I'm ashamed I was invaded by you and your idiots."

Italy burst into tears, "I'm sorry… I don't know why I did it. And there was nowhere to make pasta in a desert. Luddy was right!"

England shook his head.

America's mouth dropped open.

Russia sat back and smiled. "They will all fall in the end," he said quietly.

"Perhaps everyone should give up their military and spend the money on looking after each other?" Ethiopia said.

Someone choked on their tea.

France brushed his blond hair back and stared at the African Nation.

America laughed nervously.

Russia growled and bent his lead pipe into the shape of a flower.

Italy stood up and announced in a loud voice, "But NATO is the whalebone of Europe! I mean backbone! It's impervious, imperative I mean, that we keep our defensibles aimed at the Bread Army… no… Red Army and our moustaches? No, missiles… this doesn't sound right…" Italy sat down looking confused.

England stood up, strode around the table, and with a force that made Italy yelp, pulled the hidden earpiece out of Italy's ear. "Ha! We have a mole within our midst…"

"How can it be within our midst if it's hidden?" America said, putting his hand up.

"Shut up, Alfred! Someone has been telling Italy what to say," England declared.

"It wasn't me!" Russia said, but he glared at Italy.

"Someone who wants a Bread Army!" America said, nodding and rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

England shook his head.

"We have a spy?" France looked delighted.

The doors slammed open and Germany strode in, "Ja! It was me! I was not invited to this meeting. I'm not one of the rotating members this year and…"

"You could just spin…" America said in what he thought was being helpful.

"WHAT?!" Germany looked ready to explode.

"He means… He thinks rotating means…" England began.

"Da, you should spin." Russia growled.

"Well that's that wrapped up," Mr Kumajiro said and jumped down from his seat. "If anyone needs me, I'll be at the US Embassy absolutely hammering the Ambassador at badminton."

Mr China stopped him, "Erm Mr Kumajiro, I don't suppose you've seen Panda lately? He said he had a meeting with you…?"

"We're meeting for badminton on Thursday," the polar bear said and strolled out, nodding at the Secret Service men saluting him. "Bye!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"Odd…" China muttered.

"Never mind all that! I should have been in this meeting and in my absence, I gave Italy a microphone and an earpiece so that I could give him guidance," Germany told them.

"Fine but you can tell all these jokers that I should have a military," England told him.

"I happen to agree that you should not have a military. You obviously can't be trusted," Germany said in that pompous voice England hated so much.

"But… but… but…" England stammered and stuttered, "You need my military! NATO is a bullwark, the backbone and I'm in NATO!" he shouted finally.

"Oh no, I don't mean your country shouldn't have a military. Of course it should," Germany said.

England sat down and relaxed.

Russia snarled. "We did a vote!" he growled in a very low voice. The air grew very cold.

Kazakhstan was creeping out of the door along with Bolivia (they were planning on 'hitting the town'). Scotland was grinning with mischievous delight. France was drinking from a wine bottle and trying to pick England's pocket to get his phone back. Sweden was nodding along with Germany. Ethiopia was shaking his head. America was still confused about the 'rotating' problem.

"I mean you shouldn't be in charge of a military," Germany said.

"Bugger off!" England spluttered.

"So do they not rotate then?" America asked finally.

Everyone ignored him.

Scotland smiled, "He means, dear brother, that I should be in charge. That I should, finally, after 300 years of being under your bloody rule, I get to be in charge of the United bloody Kingdom! I, the great and glorious and oldest Kingdom of Alba and Caledonia, will be the personification of Great bloody Britain!" He sat down and nodded at King Malcolm who nodded back.

"You can't be bloody serious?!" England said, staring around the room.

"I think it's for the best, until you get professional help," Germany told him.

Sweden nodded, "We've thought it for a long time."

Russia stood up, almost taking the table with him and stormed out. "I hate NATO anyway," he called back behind him, "Any club that does not have the great Russia in it is not a club!"

China turned to England, "We're all very concerned about you, Arthur."

England turned to America, "Alfred? What do you think?"

"I think you need to rotate…"

England frowned, unsure what the American was on about or whether he was insulting him. So instead, he asked France, "Francis? Surely you can't agree with this?" He then added, "And can you get your bloody hand out of my pocket?"

France turned to him, "Well mon cher. I do zink zat you should give me my phone back and you have been under a lot of stress lately and I do zink zat your mental prowess has been compromised. But you know zat I will always support you, mon cher."

"Well you can all absolutely bugger off, I am the personification of the United Kingdom!" he yelled and sat back down with a sense of righteousness.

But then his phone vibrated in his pocket. He found that there was several missed calls from the Prime Minister and indeed, it was the PM on the phone. "Oh right.. I see…" he answered, listening. "Well if it's like that…" he said through gritted teeth. He hung up before he could listen to any more. The cheek of the woman! Who did she think she was? Who were these people? Of course he wasn't demented or had 'issues'! How ridiculous.

And now he'd been told to stand down as the United Kingdom/Great Britain until he'd had a 'psychological assessment', whatever that bloody meant.

"Well?" France and America both said at once.

England just growled, stood up and looked around the room. "Well good luck you bloody treasonous buggers with my brother here. I'll be amazed if he hasn't started several wars by the end of the week!" he announced and stomped off out of the room.

France and America jumped up and ran after him.

To be continued…