Chapter Thirty Six

Bella

I felt more confident as I found I could do more for myself even if it did take three times as long and frustrated the hell out of me. Buttons were torture and I was grateful for the sweats Rosalie gave me although managing fasteners was a goal for the future. Walking was much more of a challenge, my legs just wouldn't listen to my brain, either that or what they heard made no sense. I found myself headed floor wards far too often even though I had bars and the help of whoever was on Bella duty that day. Emmett was a good helper along with Jasper because they made a joke of my clumsiness lightening my mood.

There was one problem though that Carlisle told me no one could help me with, my sight. I had hoped it would clear but I could only see with any clarity close up, at a distance everything was misty and it seemed I would be left with poor sight as a constant reminder of my near death experience. I had always taken sight for granted and it came as a blow to find myself unable to navigate strange spaces alone. I couldn't possibly manage by myself and this was depressing, I hated being so reliant on my friends even though I trusted them completely, it was so scary.

The first day I was able to stand unaided albeit very wobbly was an achievement marred slightly by the knowledge I could never go for a walk alone again but I pushed that to the back of my mind, I was making progress and I should be grateful for that. Revel in what I could do, not mope about things I could not.

Jasper

Bella and I became closer as I helped with her rehabilitation becoming her constant companion which made me the happiest man in the world. She seemed happier too and slowly progressed from her wheelchair or bed to standing unaided which was a great achievement and made us all very happy.

Then one day after her therapy session, Rosalie had been giving her legs daily massages to improve the blood supply and stimulate the muscles that were weak after so long without use, she asked me if I would take her outside.

"I'm beginning to believe there is no outdoors any more. I'm sick of looking at walls and smelling antiseptic."

Luckily for me, it was overcast and I wheeled her outside to the lawn at the back of the building where Esme, hearing our conversation, had set up a table and chairs. Bella insisted on being helped from her wheelchair so she could sit at the table with me and for a while, she just sat quietly looking around and breathing in the cool fresh air.

"Are you warm enough?"

She nodded smiling at the concern in my voice,

"Yes, I am thank you. I'd tell you if I wasn't Jasper, I promise."

She smiled at my solicitousness.

After another shorter pause, she turned to me again and sighed,

"Tell me the truth Jasper, what happened in Forks?"

This was the first time she had seriously asked about the past and I knew it was important to her to learn the truth so as gently as I could I explained about the accident, why they were messing around with portable generators and the explosion that had killed her father and two others.

She nodded biting her bottom lip, something she did when deep in thought or upset.

"I guess at least he died helping people, they'll talk about him as a hero won't they? I doubt anyone in Forks will believe he was responsible for locking me in the basement. To them, he'll always be good old Chief Swan. I thought he'd left me down there to die but maybe he hadn't. I don't think he meant to, he always came back and he would have this time if he hadn't died but I still hate him. Is that a terrible thing?"

"It's an understandable feeling Bella and I can't say what he meant to do although Carlisle believes your father was trying to tell him about you before he died."

She studied me,

"You hate him too don't you?"

"For what he did to you? Sure I do but I feel guilty too, we all do. IF only we'd seen what was happening we could have stopped it."

She smiled and rested her hand on mine,

"No one ever suspected him Jasper so why should you have done so? I don't blame anyone, besides its all in the past now and I have to concentrate on the future."

They were brave words but not true, Bella hadn't forgiven or forgotten his deeds and her next words blurted out through lips twisted in bitterness, only proved it.

"He hadn't finished with me you know, he liked to have power over me, liked to see me cowering. I was just a thing to him, a whipping boy for his dark side. He was a horrible person but I was too frightened of him to tell anyone. I knew if he found out I had told someone the truth he would have killed me. His life and reputation were all he really cared about. I dread to think what my mother must have endured at his hands."

She began to cry turning to me for comfort and I moved to kneel beside her chair wrapping my arms around her and rocking her gently as she let the pain flow from her body in bitter tears. This was the first time we had been so intimate and despite the reasons for it, I couldn't help feeling satisfaction at having my mate finally in my arms. It felt so right and I hugged her to me soothing her by degrees but letting her express her horror and fear and wash at least some of them away in her tears.

Bella

I had thought I would feel ashamed breaking down like that and finding myself so intimate with Jasper but I didn't, in fact, it felt like having Renee's comforting arms around me. I felt safe and loved, although that didn't make any sense, or did it? There was something about Jasper, something that vibrated within me, a quiet peace, a feeling of contentment that even when I was at my lowest ebb helped me to keep going.

I began to fret if he wasn't there in the room when I woke up, although those times were rare, but then wondered how he managed to be here all the time. Didn't he have studies or a job? I knew he wasn't a nurse or a physical therapist, not a real one in any case, or if he was he never wore any uniform and he didn't give the appearance that this was just a job to him.

I asked Lizzie when I next heard from her what she knew about him but she couldn't tell me much. All she knew was that the family were dedicated to my recovery and had been searching for me for a very long time before finally locating me after my accident.

"You know as much as I do Bella. He and Alice came looking for you first but I wasn't sure whether to believe them when they said your dad was dead and that they were worried about you. As far as I was concerned you were beyond my reach anyway and so long as you were happy wherever my colleagues had placed you then it didn't really matter if you knew about your father or not. Then Esme turned up and something told me they weren't going to give up until they located you although I never thought they would actually succeed. It still baffles me why they are so dedicated to your recovery except it's pretty obvious that Jasper is deeply in love with you Bella so I guess the question is, how do you feel about him?"

"I haven't really thought about it Lizzie, there is so much work to do if I'm ever going to be independent again and I'm a wreck, physically and mentally, I'm not sure what I do want."

What I didn't admit to her was that not being able to see properly scared me even more than my amnesia and relying on Jasper scared me too. What would I do if he suddenly decided he'd had enough? How could I cope without him? Even the thought of that was enough to bring me out in a cold sweat, I was as helpless as a baby in many ways.

My sight did improve a little over time but anyone more than a few feet from me was just a blur and walking was a nightmare. I tried to move around my room with crutches and managed unsteadily but I still found myself crashing into things I couldn't see such as my table someone hadn't pushed back under my bed properly.

It was frustrating and, I was embarrassed to remember, caused many a tantrum. It always seemed to be poor Jasper who got it in the neck but thankfully he always forgave me, even when I swore and threw one of my crutches at him in temper when I skinned my knees on the edge of a chair.

It hadn't taken me long to work out that this place wasn't a hospital nor even a private clinic, after all, I was the only patient and as I'd already suspected there was no other staff. From time to time I forgot names and relationships just as Carlisle had warned me I might but no one seemed to mind and slowly I found myself remembering small kindnesses they had done me in Forks when I first knew them, but it didn't explain why they were spending so much time and money on me. Like Lizzie I had to wonder exactly what they hoped to get out of it?

I was grateful that she still visited as often as she could, putting her own life on hold to help me, although as I began to trust the Cullens more I did tell her it wasn't necessary for her to keep traveling all the way here to see me.

"Renee would have done the same for me Bella and I need to know you are OK. I almost lost you once and I have no intention of allowing that to happen again."

I think she was relieved that I found myself able to rely on my "new" friends, people she herself had come to trust.

I still had no memory of my adventures once I had left Lizzie and she couldn't tell me much but I knew I had been very lucky to find people willing to help me in my hour of need and again now, virtual strangers who were doing everything they could to help me. I still thought about my dad from time to time but less often now and without the panic that had always accompanied such memories.

Jasper had the newspaper reports of the accident and Charlie's funeral enlarged and printed out so I could read them for myself and seeing it in black and white finally made it feel true.

"What will happen to me when I'm well enough to leave here?"

He looked at me taking the paper clipping from my trembling hand.

"What would you like to happen, Bella?"

I shrugged,

"I don't know. I don't have any family and I don't want to go back to Forks, to that house. I guess maybe I could go back to the life I had before the accident but I don't remember much of it and that scares me too. I'm so tired of being frightened, Jasper."

He took my trembling hands in his and I felt comforted immediately,

"Just remember this, you will never be alone Bella. We can arrange for a lawyer to sell the house and bank the proceeds for you. There'll be plenty of money to give you a new start wherever you choose to go, whatever you choose to do."

I swallowed hard, furious with myself for the dread that washed over me but even that idea was terrifying. I felt like a boat washed out to sea with no idea in which direction a safe harbor might be found. The next words I uttered came rushing out of their own volition,

"I'm scared Jasper, I have no idea where to go, I'm all alone and when I recover enough not to need this place I don't know what I'll do. I don't want to get better if it means having to start all over again... away from you."

He gazed into my eyes, those golden orbs melting the fear from my heart.

"Bella, I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. I'll be here by your side to help you, to be your friend, until you decide you are able to cope on your own."

There was something in those words, an unspoken message that I thought maybe I understood although without knowing how.

"I believe you Jasper and I can't imagine a day when I will ever want to be alone again."

He merely smiled and pulled me into his arms where I was content to stay, feeling, for the first time since Renee died, as if I belonged.