Note: Well, look at this... Another chapter!

Chapter 36

Sharon didn't see Rusty that morning before she went to work. His bedroom door was still closed when she picked up her keys and bag and she hesitated for a moment before walking down the hall and knocking on his door. She waited but no answer came. Sharon glanced at her watch. It was a quarter past seven and she knew Rusty didn't have to be up early for class so perhaps he was still asleep. After last night she wasn't sure if he was avoiding her, or if she was avoiding him, but the unsettled feeling in her chest weighed heavily and she sighed.

"Rusty?" she called out to him softly but still there was no answer. "I'm going to work. I'll see you tonight, OK?"

As she walked to the front door Sharon continued to feel the heaviness. It wasn't just in her chest anymore. She could feel it in her entire body. The weight of something she couldn't shift and didn't dare put into words. Last night's thoughts had haunted her until she fell asleep and she had woken early that morning feeling tired and not at all rested.

She picked up the travel cup with her morning coffee that she had left on the table by the door, swung her purse over her shoulder and stepped out of the condo. The door closed behind her and she made her way down the hall to the elevator and rode it down to the parking lot.

The drive to Parker Centre took her only half an hour because she had managed to beat the worst of the morning rush hour and after parking her car, Sharon took the elevator and got off on the floor where the Major Crimes squad room was. She walked in to find all the desks still empty and the Murder Board still exactly as she had last seen it the day before. It was in that quiet moment that she took in the evidence laid out before her, seeking a connection she had not been able to see up until now. The longer she looked, a theory began to form in her head and she turned around to grab a piece of paper and a pen from Provenza's desk.

Ten minutes later Sharon heard voices approach and moments later Amy, Provenza and Tao walked in together. Amy was carrying a tray with several Starbucks cups and Tao a box with the logo from the bakery across the street.

"Good morning Captain," Amy said when she spotted Sharon leaning over Provenza's desk. She furrowed her brow. "Is everything alright?"

Sharon held up the piece of paper and Tao walked over to have a closer look. Wide eyed he looked up at Sharon. "Holy crap!"

"Exactly, Lieutenant," Sharon said, the hint of a smile tugging at her cheeks. "We've been looking in the wrong direction this entire time." She gave Tao the piece of paper. "I think you'll find that once you check this, the case changes perspective completely."

Tao circled around to his desk and opened up his computer. Seconds later his fingers were rattling away on the keyboard and Sharon waited, aware of the rapid pounding of her heart in her chest. Then Tao looked up and he didn't need to say anything. The look in his eyes said enough and Sharon nodded.

"Amy, when Julio gets here, I want you to bring everyone in for questioning. And call Hobbs. She'll want to watch."

Amy nodded. "Yes, Captain."

Sharon then turned to Provenza. "Lieutenant, I have an appointment this morning and will be out for a couple of hours. If you need me, call my cell."

Provenza's eyes narrowed as he studied the brunette's face, looking for a hint that would betray where it was Sharon was going. But he also knew better than to expect Sharon to let her guard down and her face betrayed nothing. He slowly nodded. "Of course Captain."

Sharon flashed a smile in thanks and turned around. She walked into her office, closed the door behind her and placed the now empty coffee cup on the end of her desk. She sank down in her chair, opened up her laptop and scrolled through the emails that had come in overnight. Every so often she glanced up to look into the Murder Room and watched as Amy stood up as soon as Julio arrived. Tao showed him the piece of paper with Sharon's notes and moments later Julio and Amy left the Murder Room and Provenza picked up the phone. Sharon guessed it was to give Andrea the heads up.

It was almost eight thirty when Sharon left her office again and reminded Provenza that she would be out for a little while. Again he didn't pry and Sharon was grateful for that.

She rode the elevator down to the lobby, greeted the uniformed desk officer on her way out and walked out of the building into the warm morning sunshine. She inhaled the fresh air and felt her lungs expand. She felt sick and nervous and the feeling only intensified with every step it took her to walk the two blocks to the freshly built building where she had first met Doctor McCrory not too long ago. Back then she'd hoped never to need his services again but right now it felt like the only place she really wanted to be.

She blindly made her way to the waiting room and this time she didn't hesitate when she knocked on the door. She was a little early but Sharon didn't care. Doctor McCrory's familiar voice called her in and Sharon entered. Just like during her previous visits she allowed herself a moment to take in the stunning view provided through the large windows before focusing her attention on the psychiatrist sitting in one of the leather arm chairs. There was a notebook in his lap and Sharon's stomach turned.

Doctor McCrory put the notebook down and stood up to shake her hand. "Sharon," he said her name with a smile. "It's good to see you again. Have a seat. Can I get you anything? Coffee, water?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine, thank you."

She didn't realise just how badly her hands were shaking until she went to sit down and folded them in her lap. Her entire body felt a little jittery and the nerves and anxiety coursed through her veins. She couldn't maintain eye contact and looked down into her lap, at her folded hands. Hands that felt like they were losing grip on everything.

"I was surprised to hear from you, I have to admit," McCrory said as he went to sit down too. "You said that you'd see me next in a court room but here you are, in my office."

"Yeah," Sharon reluctantly admitted. "I didn't really know where else to go."

McCrory sat up a little and studied the woman sitting in the chair. Sharon's shoulders had dropped and she still wasn't looking at him. He could see the tremor in her hands and the way she hid some of her face behind her auburn locks. The woman sitting in front of him looked different from the woman who had walked out of his office only a few days ago. She had changed.

"What happened since the last time you were here, Sharon?" he gently encouraged her to open up. "Do you want to start or do you want me to ask you some questions to help guide you along?"

"I don't know if I can make sense of any of it," Sharon admitted and she looked up. "The last time I was here I mentioned Andy…"

McCrory nodded. "Your ex-partner."

"He cheated on me. That's why we broke up. It's not the first time. He did it to his other partners in the past," Sharon explained and the painful sting in her chest reminded her that the betrayal hadn't healed. "And we talked about how people change. For better or worse."

"I remember."

"That doesn't just apply to Andy. It applies to someone else in my life too. Someone… important."

"Your son, Rusty?" McCrory asked and Sharon finally met his gaze.

"Him too. But I mean someone else. Someone… I haven't mentioned to you before."

McCrory leaned back. "And that's what you want to talk about today? Who is this person, Sharon?"

"Her name is Brenda," Sharon answered softly. "Brenda Leigh Johnson."

If McCrory recognised Brenda's name, and considering he'd been working with the LAPD for many years it was likely he had, he didn't let on. Instead he waited for Sharon to continue talking.

"We met years ago. We weren't friends. In fact, we were probably more like enemies. I investigated one of her detectives after an officer involved shooting. That's how our paths first crossed. And a few months later, when Brenda got into trouble, I was tasked with auditing her whole division. Much to Brenda's dismay. But our relationship changed and towards the end of her time in the LAPD, we had sort of become friends. But then she left and I took her place within Major Crimes. For a long time I didn't hear from her at all."

Sharon took a deep breath as her mind drifted back to the early days in Major Crimes. It had been hard for everyone and for a long time she had felt like she would never be able to get out of Brenda Leigh Johnson's shadow.

"A few weeks ago, she came back to Los Angeles and our paths crossed again. She contacted Rusty and I found out after a few days that they'd been in touch."

"He didn't tell you?" McCrory asked and Sharon shook her head.

"I was mad at first but I understood too. And as the weeks went on, Brenda sort of… I don't know… she became a part of our life. Our friendship rekindled and it grew. She was often at my house and she and Rusty spent a lot of time together. They have a connection I can't relate to because they shared something so intense…" She swallowed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "When I found out about Andy, Brenda was there. When Ann died, Brenda was there. When Rusty discovered his biological family, Brenda was there. When everything came crashing down, she was the one who quietly picked up all the pieces and put them back together. Everything we did, we did as a…"

"A family?"

"I don't know when it happened, or even how. But her presence was a constant. And that's strange considering the Brenda Leigh Johnson I knew years ago was selfish and egocentric. But this Brenda… She's different and I somehow just came to expect having her in my life. She was always there but her presence wasn't suffocating me. Having her, it felt reassuring somehow. And it wasn't until recently that I began to wonder what it meant."

"What do you mean?"

"After the suicide, Brenda was the one who came to take me home. She was the one my detectives called because they knew no one else would do in that moment." Sharon's mouth felt dry and she looked around the office before spotting the bottles of water on a tray in the corner. McCrory followed her gaze and got up. He handed Sharon one of the bottles and she accepted.

"I never thought about what it was like to be in Brenda's position. I don't think I ever even considered that this could be something other than friendship," Sharon continued after taking a couple of sips from the cold water. "But then this weekend everything changed and now everything is different and I don't know what to do."

McCrory watched as an almost desperate expression spread across Sharon's face. "What changed over the weekend?"

"Brenda kissed me. And I kissed her back."

"Are you in love with her?"

McCrory asked the question without even hesitating and Sharon clutched the bottle in her hand a little firmer, grateful to have something to hold onto. Her mind flashed back to the countless moments she and Brenda had shared together. The day in the park, the day on the beach, the endless evenings they had watched movies and had dinner, spent texting or talking on the phone. She had brought Brenda along to meeting Rusty's family because she had wanted to share it with her. There wasn't anyone else she could ever have imagined sharing all those things with. No one seemed to fit in her life the way Brenda did and that thought scared her.

"I… I don't know," Sharon stammered. "I… I don't think I have ever…"

"It can be pretty overwhelming to fall in love. Even when we're older, these kinds of feelings can catch us by surprise. Or maybe even more so when we're older because we don't expect them to come at all," McCrory gently offered. "They become even more confusing and overwhelming when we fall in love with someone of the same sex, when we never considered that this was even a possibility."

"I'm not gay," Sharon managed to get the words out. Her mind a jumbled mess of thoughts and feelings she couldn't accurately put into words. "I've never…"

"Love doesn't have labels, Sharon," McCrory reassured her. His tone was soothing, as if he silently picked up on Sharon's underlying fear. "Sometimes our heart does unexpected things and it seems that something like that has happened to you." He sat up a little. "Let me ask you this, when you think of the future, what do you see? Do you see Brenda?"

Sharon hesitantly nodded. "Somehow I just thought, imagined, that she was always going to be there."

"And why is that?"

"Because I wanted her to," Sharon whispered.

McCrory nodded. "What happened after you and Brenda kissed?"

Sharon flinched at the memory of Saturday night and remembered the hurt she had seen reflected in Brenda's eyes. Her stomach turned itself into a painful knot and she dug her nails into the plastic bottle and sighed. "I panicked. I didn't know what to do." Her voice became a little shaky as the bottled up emotions reached the surface and she swallowed. "I told Brenda to leave." She chewed the inside of her cheek. "We haven't spoken to each other since. I can't stand the thought of facing her after everything that's happened."

"What are you afraid of?" McCrory's question was genuine and didn't carry judgement. His voice was soft and when Sharon found the courage to look at him, he was watching her with kind eyes.

"I… I don't know. The change, I guess." Sharon hesitated. "The feelings."

"The change in your relationship status and how it would feel if you moved on from friendship? Or the perceived change in your sexuality and the way other people would view that side of you?"

"All of my life I have identified as straight. Never once did I ever even consider I could fall in love with a woman and I don't know if I am ready to accept that. I don't know if I ever will. Everything I thought I knew about myself doesn't seem to be true anymore and I don't know how to feel about that."

"Why wouldn't it be true anymore? Because you were married to a man before and had children with him? Because until now you have only ever dated men?" McCrory asked and Sharon nodded a little. "Sharon, most people are of the belief that sexuality is very much a fluid thing. That's why many people don't like labels. Some do and that's fine. But others just choose to let their feelings guide them and personally, I think there is nothing wrong with that. Just because you fell in love with Brenda doesn't mean that once upon a time you didn't love your ex-husband or Andy or anybody else. And just because you love Brenda now doesn't mean you have to stick a label on yourself either."

"I just don't know if I'm ready. All of this…"

"You've had quite a stressful few months. You witnessed a suicide up close, were attacked by a suspect, your adopted son found his biological family and your partner betrayed your trust by cheating on you as well as having lost someone very close to you, your ex mother-in-law. Sometimes when we go through a very stressful period, life tries to put things in perspective. Didn't you just say that Brenda was the only constant in your life?" Sharon nodded. "And how does it feel now that she's gone?"

"It hurts."

"Why does it hurt?"

"Because I miss her."

There was a silence after those words and Sharon remembered how the previous night she had typed those very words to Brenda before deleting them. She knew she missed her. Every part of her being and life missed the blonde's presence. She missed her upbeat voice, her silly jokes, the way she walked around the house and the sound of her footsteps. She missed the gentle touches of Brenda's hands and hearing her voice on the phone.

"Oh god..." Sharon covered her face with her hands.

"Sharon?" McCrory prompted her gently. "What's going on?"

"What have I done?"

"You reacted out of instinct, because in that moment you weren't ready to accept and deal with the things that were happening. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a normal human reaction," McCrory explained. "It's what you do from this moment onwards that will shape the rest of this journey. You just needed some time to work through these feelings by yourself and I think that you have come to a point where you are accepting them, aren't you?"

Sharon slowly nodded and took a deep breath. "But I don't know what to do next, where to go from here."

"You will," McCrory answered. "When you walk out of that door, you will know."

She looked at him, not entirely sure she was convinced by what he had said but when the hour had passed and Sharon could think of nothing else to say, she shook McCrory's hand before leaving the office. As the door closed behind her, her first desire was just to call Brenda and talk to her. She wanted to talk to her. She wanted to see her, tell her that whatever it was they were facing, they could figure it out together. She reached for her cell phone but then changed her mind.

Instead, when she left the building she didn't walk the two blocks back to Parker Centre but blindly made her way to the DA's office and after signing in at the front desk, she rode the elevator to the floor where Brenda had her office. Sharon's heart thundered in her chest as she walked through the familiar hallways and with every step, the nerves grew stronger. When she saw Brenda's door, she hesitated for a moment before taking a deep breath and knocking.

There was no answer.

Sharon knocked again but was interrupted by a man's voice behind her. "Are you looking for Miss Johnson?"

She turned around and saw the young man standing behind her. He was dressed in a smart suit and tie and had dirty blonde hair that reminded her a little bit of Rusty. He wasn't much older than him, Sharon guessed. It seemed he recognised her. "Oh, Captain Raydor."

"Hello," she greeted him in an attempt not to appear too awkward. "Yes, I am looking for Miss Johnson." She couldn't think of a time where she had ever called Brenda that. She had always been Chief Johnson or Brenda. "Can you tell me where I can find her?"

"Meeting with the DA at the Mayor's office," he answered. "And I think she's got a court appointment straight after so she will be out of the office all day."

Sharon felt her heart sink. "Oh…"

"Is there anything you'd like me to pass on to her? Leave a message for her perhaps?" He extended his hand and Sharon shook it as if on autopilot. "I'm Theodore. I'm one of the interns here and I've been assisting Miss Johnson the last couple of days." He searched Sharon's face. "She didn't mention she had a meeting with you today."

"It's all right. It was just a social call," Sharon answered and she straightened her back. "Thank you, Theodore. No need to bother Miss Johnson. I have her number. I'll call her later." She flashed a smile. "Have a nice day."

She turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway towards the elevator. Tears pricked behind her eyes as she slammed the button for the ground floor a little too hard. The doors slid closed and in the quiet confinement of the elevator, Sharon let out a quiet sob and wiped over her eyes before taking a couple of deep breaths and focusing on the rest of the day ahead. By the time the doors opened again and she walked through the lobby into the sunshine, the mask of Captain Raydor had slipped effortlessly back into place and no one could even suspect that deep down, Sharon's heart had broken.

"Sharon?"

She was about the enter the elevator in Parker Centre when she heard a familiar voice call her name and a cold shiver crept down her spine when in the shiny elevator door she caught Andy's reflection behind her. Slowly Sharon turned around and watched as Andy approached.

"Hey," he greeted her and smiled. He searched her face a little. "You're getting to work late."

"Hi." She forced a smile and found it was easier than she had expected. "I just had an appointment." She looked Andy up and down. The suit he wore seemed new and the tie she had never seen before either. He looked well, she noted. The awkward silence lingered until she said, "I hear you're settling in alright."

"Yeah. Almost like I've never left. Except it's been over a decade and I didn't know any of the people when I walked in." Andy seemed to feel almost as awkward as she did. He ruffled his hair and cleared his throat, then looked away. She knew all those signs. "Listen, Sharon…"

"Andy, don't," Sharon quietly answered. "I know what you're going to say. The time for apologies is long gone and you've already said what you needed to say. I don't think that we…"

"I just wanted to say that I admit and accept that I was wrong," Andy interrupted her. "And I wanted you to know that I'm talking to someone about some of these issues I've been having and that I don't put any blame on you at all. I was the one who did wrong and I'm sorry for the way I treated you. You deserved better than that and I hope that one day, someone will." There was a pause. "Or maybe someone already is."

She wanted to ask him what he meant by that but Sharon bit back the words. Instead she just nodded. "Thank you, Andy. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry that transferring you out of Major Crimes was the only way forward but the situation would have been unattainable for both of us. As it happens, I think moving to Robbery/Homicide has worked out well for you. I'm glad."

Andy nervously smiled. "It was good to see you, Sharon." The elevator doors slid open and he took a step back to allow her to get in. "Take care."

"You too, Andy," Sharon said before entering the elevator. She stared at the floor as the doors closed and leant back against the wall. Her head was spinning and more than anything she wanted to go home but when she walked into the Murder Room, she was greeted by the buzz of excitement that usually followed the closure of a case and when she saw Provenza and Tao by the Murder Board, she walked over to them.

"How did it go?" she wanted to know and Provenza turned around.

"Julio and Amy got a full confession. Hobbs made a deal and all parties are on their way to booking right now. Looks like tonight will be the first of many nights they're spending in a jail cell."

"Good work," Sharon said and patted Provenza on the shoulder.

"You're the one who made the connection," Tao answered but Sharon pointed at the board.

"Only because everyone else did such a brilliant job collecting the evidence." She smiled. "So, you're all coming to Rusty's party Saturday night, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Provenza answered. "Patrice said she'll bake a cake."

"Rusty will love that," Sharon replied and she looked at the two Lieutenants. "If you could have the final paperwork on my desk by the end of the day, please?"

"Yes, Captain," came the unison answer and with a smile Sharon crossed the Murder Room to her office but turned around when she heard Provenza following her.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Lieutenant?" she wanted to know.

"About Rusty's party," he began and Sharon gestured for him to follow her into her office. She closed the door behind him and sat down behind her desk.

"Something on your mind?" she asked.

"I was just thinking, did you invite… you know… his sister?" Provenza hesitantly asked.

Sharon nodded. "They're aware, yes. And as far as I know, they're coming. Looks like it's going to be one big family get together in that sense, with Emily and Ricky flying in tomorrow."

Provenza's eyes narrowed a little. "And Brenda?"

Sharon's defences went up almost instantly. "What about her?"

"I haven't seen her around for a few days and I don't think she's called either. I was just wondering if everything was alright, that's all."

"Brenda works only a few blocks from here, Lieutenant. Maybe you can walk over there yourself and talk to her. I don't keep track of her diary." Sharon's words sounded sharper than she had intended and she knew she had given away way too much just by reacting like this but the disappointment of not finding Brenda in her office when she had really wanted to see her still tasted bitter in her mouth.

Provenza studied Sharon for a moment longer but then without saying anything else, he left her office and closed the door. Sharon watched as he walked back to his desk, picked up the folder of papers and started the paperwork she had asked for. She turned away, picked up her phone and began typing a message.

I really need to talk to you.

She hit send.