Dating Difficulties and Babysitting Lilynette I
"Sorry; no can do."
Starrk sighed as he removed his headset from its usual spot of being draped around his neck and laid it down beside the cash register, wandering over to the redhead at the grill to plead his case once more. It wasn't often that Coyote Starrk asked a favor of the other Espada and never before had Tyn refused to help him. Maybe if he pushed just a little bit harder…
"Look, I know you and Tia dislike kids, but Lilynette isn't like the human kids—"
"And the answer is still no," said Tyn, shaking his head. "Tonight just isn't good."
"If she gets too obnoxious, I'm not going to care too much if you slap some duct tape over her mouth and lock her in the closet," Starrk tried. "I just need someone to watch over her tonight while I go out with Keiko."
In the two months since learning about the truth behind his human life, Starrk had finally gathered the nerve to call Lilynette's teacher, Miss Keiko, and ask her on a date. He'd expected her to refuse at first given that he had waited so long between receiving the Valentine's card from her and his phone call, but the woman had jumped at the chance and the two of them had gone out several times since then.
Under normal circumstances, he would drop Lilynette off at the Kurosaki household to spend time with Karin, but this week was different; Keiko wanted to swing by the apartment and see Lilynette herself before they went out, and Starrk wanted to make sure that Keiko saw he was leaving his 'baby sister' in mature, responsible hands.
Isshin Kurosaki, of course, was anything but mature and responsible.
"Considered locking her in the closet once or twice yourself, eh?" teased Tyn as he seasoned one of the meat patties with enough spices to literally burn a man's tongue to ash.
"Actually, she did it to me a few weeks ago…" Starrk muttered. "Look, Keiko doesn't have to know that you two don't like kids—"
"Starrk, we'd love to help you, we really would…" said the quinto, interrupting him, "but we just can't tonight; Tia's making me take her out for dinner since we've never actually done the 'date' thing before."
"Why the hell didn't you say that in the first place?" asked an exasperated Starrk.
"HAHAHA! You pussy!" laughed Grimmjow mockingly from his spot wiping down the front counter. "She's making you take her out? I'd never let a bitch make me do anything I didn't wanna do!"
"That would be why…" sighed Tyn as Grimmjow continued to laugh.
"Don't you have some tables to go clean?" Starrk asked the sexta. "I think the counter is fine."
"Too busy making fun of dipshit here," grinned Grimmjow maliciously. "Seriously, how pathetic can you get? What, she threaten to make you sleep on the couch if you didn't?"
"Threatened to make me bunk with you in that filthy rat-infested shithole you call home, actually," Tyn quipped.
"Hey, fuck you! Lord Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez the Second, Esquire, has taken care of my mouse problem!"
"Talking about yourself in third person is a sign of mental illness, you know…" Starrk observed.
"He's my cat, you jackass!" snarled Grimmjow as Ulquiorra emerged from the manager's office and looked around at the empty dining room. "And it's not that filthy!"
"The dining room here is cleaner than your apartment, Grimmjow, and yet it still needs cleaning," Ulquiorra stated flatly. "Stop making a spectacle of yourself and go mop the floor."
"What about Ulquiorra and Orihime?" asked Tyn, gesturing towards the cuarto as they watched Grimmjow grab his mop and head for the dining room, dragging it behind him and muttering darkly the entire way.
"Subjecting Lilynette to Orihime's cooking seems like a cruel and inhumane punishment; I just can't bring myself to do that to her," said Starrk. "No offense, Ulquiorra."
"Her culinary skills have improved considerably," said Ulquiorra, almost sounding defensive of his roommate.
"I think you've just gotten used to it," said Tyn. "Either way, after that godforsaken pie at New Year's, I'm not touching anything she cooks ever again."
"Jesus, what am I going to do?" asked Starrk. "Maybe I should call Urahara and ask him…"
"Orihime's friend Tatsuki might be willing to help," offered Ulquiorra. "She dislikes me, but I do not believe she holds any ill-will towards Lilynette."
"Might be worth a—" Starrk began but was cut off abruptly as the front doors to the restaurant were flung open by an angry-looking orange-haired teen with enough force that the glass nearly shattered.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Grimmjow?" demanded Ichigo as soon as he was through the door. "Why can't you just mind your own damned business and leave me the hell alone?"
The sexta stood in the middle of the dining room, wringing his mop out into the bucket and blinking in obvious confusion. Grimmjow furrowed his brow, mentally trying to recall what he had supposedly done as Kurosaki loomed over him waiting for an answer.
"Alright, I got nothing," said Grimmjow with a shrug. "What the fuck are you trying to pin on me this time?"
"Don't play dumb with me, you lunatic!"
"He's not playing; he really is dumb," offered Starrk from behind the counter.
"Fuck you, Starrk!" snapped Grimmjow, shaking his mop at the primera threateningly.
"I got up this morning to go check the mail…" Ichigo began, seething. "Nice, warm summer morning… I step outside, barefoot, and step right into a pile of fresh fertilizer right on my doorstep! Fifty pounds of crap!"
"How do you know it was fifty?" snorted Grimmjow. "You weigh it all just to have something else to bitch about?"
"You left the empty bag at the scene, Grimmjow!" snarled Kurosaki. "And then, THEN when I get to the mailbox and open it, I find that it's crammed full of fertilizer, too! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What isn't wrong with him?" quipped Tyn.
"Fertilizer? Ha! I'd have left a horse head on your doorstep or something," sneered Grimmjow. "So guess what? I didn't do it, you jackass! And fuck you, too, birdbrain!"
"No more lies, no more games!" snapped Ichigo. "I know you did it because no one else is that twisted and—"
"He's telling the truth; he really didn't do it," interrupted a voice from the doorway. The Espada and the substitute shinigami all turned towards the voice and saw Yoruichi Shihōin leaning against the wall beside the front door, arms folded across her chest as she watched the two men arguing.
"What do you mean he didn't do it?" demanded the substitute shinigami. "Of course he did it! Who else would be so twisted?"
"I can assure you, Grimmjow is completely innocent," replied the former spy coolly.
"Well, there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear…" muttered Starrk.
"Shut the fuck up, Starrk!" roared Grimmjow before turning on Yoruichi. "And you…just how do you know I'm innocent? I might have done it! Don't you dare say I couldn't!"
"…she's trying to help you, moron," said Tyn, shaking his head.
"I don't need anyone's help," seethed the sexta, more incensed over the notion of someone else butting in than he was by being falsely-accused.
"He came home from work, fed the stray cats of the neighborhood, and watched TV while bitching about everything that was actually on to his cat," said Yoruichi, moving away from the door finally and hopping up on the front counter for a seat. "And then he took a shower, singing Hakuna Matata to himself before he went to bed."
Everyone turned to stare at the red-faced, wide-eyed, and obviously-embarrassed Grimmjow who was struggling to find a voice for his rage.
"That's a lie! A filthy lie!" he roared finally. "All of it! Every word! Fine, Kurosaki, I did it! You wanna fight? Let's go, right now!"
The orange-haired teen regarded Grimmjow for a moment before looking over at the ex-shinigami, considering her words carefully before looking back at the psychotic, but apparently-innocent Grimmjow gripping the handle of his mop so hard that the wood was beginning to crack and splinter.
"I believe her," said Ichigo finally. "Yoruichi's got no reason to lie about this…but if Grimmjow didn't do it, who did? This isn't the sort of prank that idiot Keigo would pull, and I can't see Renji spending all day running his squad only to come to the human world late at night just to pull a sick joke on me…"
He narrowed his brown eyes, focusing his gaze squarely on Starrk and Tyn.
"Of you two, Starrk is the least likely because of the effort involved and I don't think Lilynette would do something like that and risk her friendship with Karin, but you, Tyn—"
"Have an alibi," interrupted the redhead. "Hate to burst your big, angry bubble there, Captain Strawberry, but it wasn't me; ask Tia if you don't believe me."
"Oh, believe me, I will…" hissed Ichigo, pulling out his cellphone and dialing The Oasis. "With all the problems you two have had, there's no way she's going to cover for… Yes, is Tia Halibel there? Tell her it's a friend of a friend…"
Tyn looked over at Starrk who merely offered a shrug in return.
"I guess he doesn't know about you two," said the primera. "Of course, if you did anything to piss her off last night or this morning, you're probably screwed."
"Hey, Halibel, it's Kurosaki…" said Ichigo into the phone. "I'll make this quick; someone left a literal pile of crap on my doorstep this morning and we know Grimmjow didn't do it. Tyn is the next most-likely suspect, but he says…oh, he was? Oh…well, I didn't know that you two were—"
Ichigo's face began to turn red from embarrassment as the one-sided conversation continued.
"That's more information than I—wait, what?" stammered Ichigo. "That's just…I am not a prude! That's just so perverted and wrong—"
"Do I even want to know what she's telling him?" Starrk asked the quinto standing beside him.
"Eh, probably not," said Tyn with a shrug.
Ichigo finally cut off the call abruptly and put the phone back in his pocket, closing his eyes and rubbing his face with his hands as he willed the embarrassment from the uncomfortable conversation to go away before even attempting to speak again.
"In the past two years, I've seen and done a lot of strange things that have forced me to grow up pretty fast…" he began slowly. "I've had to kill enemies and I've nearly been killed myself. I've seen homes destroyed and lives shattered. I've been drenched in the blood of both friend and foe alike and yet somehow, that conversation stripped me of the last of my innocence. I hope you two are proud of yourselves."
"She told you about the balcony incident, didn't she?" asked Tyn. "That was an accident, I swear."
"Among other things I'd prefer not think about… Broad daylight, she said! You two are just…you're wrong!" Ichigo exclaimed. "I think I liked it better when you two were trying to kill each other!"
"Sometimes it feels like we still are, like last night when—"
"I know…" said Ichigo, rubbing his face again. "I wish I didn't, but I know."
"You really are a prude, aren't you?" said Tyn, eliciting a chuckle from Yoruichi.
"I've been saying that ever since I met him," she said with a teasing grin, to which Kurosaki could only scowl.
"Look…" Ichigo began, suddenly sounding very tired, "if you guys didn't do it, then who did? This can't just be a random thing."
"Ask the quiet one here," suggested Yoruichi. "You haven't questioned him yet."
"Ulquiorra doesn't have the sense of humor required to—" Tyn scoffed, but Ichigo cut him off.
"Well actually, it was Ulquiorra who gave me the idea of sneaking into Grimmjow's apartment and filling the bathroom with kitty litter…he even helped me," said the teen slowly, stroking his chin as he remembered the incident.
"He did what?" demanded Grimmjow. "You pasty-faced son of a bitch! I should break your goddamned skull right now and…and…hey! I bet you're also the one who switched out my fucking name-tag when I wasn't looking!"
"And the snow penis…" continued Ichigo, "it really didn't look like Grimmjow's other works…"
Grimmjow dropped his mop as he and Ichigo stalked over to the counter to glare at Ulquiorra, rage visibly boiling.
"It would appear that I have been caught," said the cuarto emotionlessly, unfazed by the murderous looks the other two men were giving him. "Regardless, you are both overreacting to a simple experiment meant to explore the human tradition of pulling harmless practical jokes on one's comrades."
"Harmless?" asked Ichigo angrily. "My sisters saw the snow penis! Dad and I had to lie to Yuzu about what it was so she didn't freak out!"
"Unfortunate, but it is not my fault that you and your father have failed to properly explain human anatomy to the child."
"This isn't going to end well…" observed Starrk, taking a couple of steps away from Ulquiorra.
"You…you set all this up…" Grimmjow growled. "You did it all…you…you…I'm going to kill you!"
With that, Grimmjow launched himself over the counter and tackled Ulquiorra, knocking him to the floor under a fierce volley of punches. Tyn and Starrk took another couple of steps away from the struggling men on the floor, watching them fight for a moment before the pale Espada managed to knock Grimmjow away.
"You cannot defeat me, Grimmjow," stated the Demon Bat as he used the counter to pull himself back to his feet. "It is no different than our days in Hueco Mundo—"
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Ichigo, grabbing Ulquiorra by his shirt and yanking him across the counter into the dining room. "You're going to pay for all of it!"
"Boys will be boys…" said Yoruichi, shaking her head as Grimmjow climbed up on the counter and dove back into the fray with renewed vigor.
The other three watched Grimmjow crack a chair over Ulquiorra's back and then use the broken piece of wood left in his hand to slap Ichigo across the face, but the teen retaliated by grabbing Grimmjow's forgotten mop and knocking both opponents senseless with a mighty swing.
"So…explain the balcony thing," asked Starrk conversationally as the brawl in the dining room continued.
"What do you mean 'explain' it?" asked Tyn as they watched Ulquiorra pick Kurosaki up and plow him through a table only to have Grimmjow do the same to him.
"When you came in with the bite marks on your neck, you had an excuse. You had an excuse for the scratches on your arms. You had an excuse for the black eye. Now, what's your excuse for this balcony thing?"
"No excuse…" Tyn shrugged. "She has a nice ass and I have no self-control."
"You're an animal, Tyn."
"Why do I have the feeling that I've been watching the wrong apartment?" Yoruichi asked off to the side, sipping on a carton of milk she had retrieved from behind the counter.
"And why exactly are you here?" Starrk asked, turning to face the lithe woman still sitting on the countertop. "Also, how is it you seem to know so much about Grimmjow's home life?"
"Former Captain of Squad 2, remember?" she asked in return. "But anyway, I was out wandering through town when I saw Ichigo stalking his way down the sidewalk looking pretty upset…thought I might want to follow him and see what was up. Is this a typical day around here?"
"Day, no; week, yes," said Tyn. "Gotta love this job; pay might be crap, but we have weekly front-row seats to the kind of mayhem most people only see on televised wrestling."
"Except I don't think they're faking," added Starrk as a serving tray collided with Ulquiorra's now-bruised face, sending a splash of crimson splattering against the front windows.
"And Tia still thinks I have issues…" snorted Tyn. "I'd like to see her work here with you guys for one week and then tell me that with a straight face."
"Speaking of Tia, can't you talk her into making you take her out next weekend?" asked Starrk almost pleadingly. "I don't ask for favors often, but—"
"Problem?" asked Yoruichi, nibbling on some chicken nuggets she'd acquired from the back while the two Espada had been distracted.
"Lone Ranger here needs a babysitter for Lilynette tonight…" answered Tyn, wincing as he watched Grimmjow crack Ulquiorra and Ichigo's skulls together. "He's got a date with her teacher."
"And I want to make a good impression by having her see that I'm leaving Lilynette with a mature, responsible adult."
"That's all?" asked Yoruichi, mischief gleaming in her golden eyes as an idea formed in her head. "That's an easy problem; look, I'll take care of it for you."
"What do you mean you'll take care of it?" asked Starrk. "You'll babysit her?"
"Just don't worry about it," said Yoruichi evasively. "Pick her up at six or so?"
"Five, but—"
"Easy enough," grinned the shinigami. "I'll make sure it's taken care of and you can enjoy your date tonight."
"Why are you bothering with this?" asked Tyn suspiciously. "What's in it for you?"
Yoruichi just gave a Cheshire grin and took another sip of milk before turning her attention back to the small war raging in the dining room as if she hadn't heard the question at all.
"Why can't I stay with Karin?"
Starrk sighed at Lilynette's indignation, very conscious of the other woman in the apartment and very annoyed at hearing Lilynette whine yet again about the situation. The primera stole a quick glance at Keiko, his date for the evening and Lilynette's teacher, standing in the living room and tried to formulate an answer that might appease both the angry young arrancar and his date.
"Because when I called her father, Isshin said he was too busy to watch after the both of you tonight," Starrk lied, hoping neither Lilynette or Keiko would call his bluff.
He should have known better.
"That's bullshit!" snapped Lilynette. "I know—"
"What have I told you about that kind of language, young lady?" Starrk demanded, trying to sound like a responsible adult and hoping that cutting her off mid-rant would derail her from pointing out the flaw in his excuse.
"Oh, come on, Starrk! It's not like—"
"Lilynette, I don't want you using profanity; not outside, not in the apartment, not at school, not anywhere! Is that understood?" he asked firmly, watching Keiko from the corner of his eye. The attractive young woman gave a smile and a faint nod at his method of handling the situation, signaling to Starrk that he had indeed read her correctly.
He'd apologize to Lilynette for being so 'harsh' on her later; right now, he had to keep up the appearance of being a stern guardian for the girl.
"Who am I stuck with then, huh?" asked Lilynette irritably. "That creepy Urahara? The cat-lady? Who?"
"Yoruichi said she'd take care of it…" Starrk admitted. "She's a nice lady and I'm sure you two will have plenty of fun together—"
"Doing what? Chasing mice?" snorted Lilynette. "If I can't stay with Karin, you could at least let me stay here by myself; I'm not a little kid, you know!"
"Not a little kid, no…" soothed Keiko as she combed a long strand of dark hair out of her face and joined the conversation. "But you're not old enough to be left alone yet. You're not ready. What if something happened while we were out? What if there was an accident? What if you got hurt? What if someone broke in?"
"I can take care of myself just fine!" said Lilynette defensively. "I'm not some accident-prone idiot and if some moron breaks in, I'll just kick his stupid human a—"
"Lilynette!" warned Starrk, hoping Keiko wouldn't question the girl's use of the word 'human.'
" …butt," she muttered before giving a resigned sigh. "Couldn't I at least stay with Tia, then?"
"Tia's busy tonight; she's making Tyn take her out for once."
"All the more reason I should go with them!" exclaimed Lilynette. "Tyn's likely to do something stupid and I want to be there when she knocks the hel…heck out of him."
"I think they'd rather have a nice evening for just the two of them, like Keiko and I are wanting," sighed Starrk as he ran a hand through his brown hair and glanced at the clock, wondering where the hell Yoruichi was.
"Fine! What about Orihime and Ulquiorra?"
"Do you really want to eat some of Orihime's infamous home cooking tonight?" Starrk shot back, watching Lilynette's face turn green at the mere thought of it.
"…Grimmjow then? I can deal with his stupidity for a few hours…probably."
"Your 'uncle' Grimmjow is insane and a bad influence; I'm already worried that you might have too much in common with him," countered Starrk as someone began knocking on the apartment door.
"Great…cat-lady's here," said Lilynette ruefully, kicking the couch in frustration.
"Don't be like that; Yoruichi is a nice person and I want you to treat her with respect, understood?" said Starrk as he made his way over to the door and opened it. "Yoruichi, glad you could—"
Yoruichi, however, was nowhere to be found.
"Well, this is a first; I've never been mistaken for my sister before…" said the unknown man standing in front of Starrk, his green-haired female companion giggling.
"You're not Yoruichi…" Starrk said slowly, his mind trying to process why there was a stranger and the former-Tres Espada at his door.
"Nel!" cried Lilynette excitedly, showing no sign of her earlier frustrations as she sprinted across the living room to the other woman and hugged her waist tightly. "I didn't know you were going to pick me up!"
"Yoruichi called us and said you needed a babysitter tonight…" Neliel explained, hugging the younger girl back. "And since An and I were already coming to the—"
The ex-Espada almost blurted out 'World of the Living,' but her companion nudged her with his elbow gently and gestured to Keiko, who was making her way over from the couch.
"…to town," Neliel corrected herself with a smile. "We were already coming to town for a short visit anyway and I thought this would be a great way to spend time with my favorite niece."
"Your only 'niece,' you mean…" observed Starrk as Keiko came up beside him.
"Hi! I'm Keiko Tadeshi, I'm Lilynette's teacher," she said, giving a slight bow to the two guests.
"Keiko, this is Lilynette's aunt, Neliel Tu Odelschwanck and—"
"It's Ushii now, remember?" asked Neliel with a smile. "Neliel Tu Odelschwanck-Ushii."
"Ah, sorry…" said Starrk nervously. "I keep forgetting you got married. That means this must be—"
"Anrak Ushii," finished the Japanese man beside Nel, offering Starrk his hand. "Good to finally meet you, Starrk; Nel has told me a lot about you."
"Yeah…sorry I couldn't make the wedding," said Starrk, nervously shaking the shinigami's hand. "But there were complications…"
"We understand," said Neliel. "So don't worry about it at all."
"Ah, so you two must be newlyweds, I take it?" asked Keiko. "Congratulations! How did you two meet, if I may ask?"
"During the Winter War…" Nel began, again momentarily forgetting she was conversing with a human before she caught her mistake, "…games. The winter wargames. We're in the military."
"Oh! I didn't know you two were with the JSDF!"
"It's why we rarely make it to Karakura…" said the male, taking over for Neliel who was visibly a little embarrassed for the near-slip. "Lot to do on the base, especially when you have a squad to take care of; it's always something. Not too different from watching a room full of children day in and day out, I'd imagine."
"Nel's really tough when she wants to be…" Lilynette told Keiko proudly. "She can beat up any guy! She could probably whoop Starrk if she wanted to!"
"…except that I don't really like fighting unless it's necessary," Nel reminded the girl gently, ruffling her hair. "But your vote of confidence means the world to me."
"Anyway…" Starrk said loudly, clearing his throat. "I think it's time we say our goodbyes and head out, don't you agree? Keiko and I have things to do—"
"—like each other," Lilynette said with a mean-spirited grin, ducking behind Nel for cover as Starrk finally swatted at her rear in irritation.
"Like going to dinner," Starrk corrected as Keiko blushed. "And maybe a movie or something…I don't know yet; this is all new ground to me!"
"Been there," Anrak nodded in understanding.
"Done that," Neliel agreed. "Things turned out for the best that way, though."
"We're kind of playing this by ear, too…" said Anrak. "We've never really babysat before."
"Well, there was that time Captain Zaraki left Yachiru with us while he went out on a mission…"
"Don't remind me…" groaned Anrak, wincing at the memory. "That incident pretty much killed any desire I had to ever have kids."
"It wasn't that bad…" Neliel said. "I mean, we managed to put the fire out and Sentarō and Kiyone were only in the infirmary for a few hours…"
"Fire? Infirmary?" asked Keiko, sounding alarmed. "What happened?"
"But Lilynette's much more well-behaved!" chirped Nel cheerfully, ignoring the question. "You two go out and have a nice evening together and we'll bring Lilynette back later tonight before we go back to the S-…home. Before we go back home."
"…but what about the fire and the infirmary?" stammered a worried Keiko as Lilynette grabbed Nel's wrist.
"Short version?" Anrak tried to explain. "Some kids should never be allowed to even look at candy-urk!"
He was cut off abruptly as Neliel managed to grab him by the back of his shirt with her one free hand, dragging him along as Lilynette led the charge down the hall and away from the apartment.
"Will she be okay with them?" Keiko asked Starrk worriedly.
"…honestly, I think I'm more concerned if they'll be okay with her."
"How did this happen to you?"
Ulquiorra slumped forward, looking away from Orihime as the orange glow of her Sōten Kisshun enveloped him and began to rapidly heal his many wounds. Had he been in his spirit form this would all be unnecessary, but one of the many drawbacks of living in a gigai was that it limited his own regenerative powers considerably and made him more…human.
He felt the swelling in his left eye going down and in a few seconds more he could see clearly once again, but still he opted not to face Orihime.
"I fell down the stairs," he said finally.
"What stairs?" asked Orihime. "Here?"
"Burger World."
"…but there aren't any stairs at Burger World."
"I feel down the stairs," he repeated stiffly, defying her observation.
"And that explains the shoeprints on your clothes?" asked Orihime dubiously.
"Yes."
"How about the wooden splinters sticking out of your back?"
"Can we discuss something else?" asked the pale Espada evasively. "I do not wish to talk about my accident."
"Okay…" said Orihime slowly. "So…how was work?"
"I would prefer not to discuss that either," said Ulquiorra, picking up the remote and turning on the television. He flipped through the channels aimlessly before finally coming to a stop on a movie about World War II. Silence filled the air aside from the noise coming from the television.
"The inaccuracies in these films never cease to amuse me," he commented dryly, breaking the uneasy quiet that had appeared between the two.
"That's what happens when they go for entertainment and explosions over truth and history!" chirped Orihime. "Uryū said that once after we had to watch an old war movie in history class."
"Indeed," said Ulquiorra as the characters on screen took cover in a nearly-demolished building and began briefly discussing their lives as the fear of death overtook them.
"Doesn't it make you the least bit curious about your own life to hear others talking about theirs?" asked Orihime.
Ulquiorra twitched slightly as he abruptly picked up the remote and shut the television off.
"Nein."
"So tell me about that other kid and the fire…"
Neliel looked down at Lilynette and gave her a nervous grin as the younger girl squeezed her hand tightly. They were barely out of Starrk's apartment complex and already Lilynette was asking uncomfortable questions, a sign that made the ex-Espada worry if the decision to watch her for the day was wrong.
"We don't like to discuss it…" Nel tried to explain. "The Head Captain blamed An for what Yachiru did and—"
"—and I had to personally reconstruct the barracks," finished the Soul Reaper for her. "Seriously never having kids after that."
"Oh, don't be like that!" Nel pouted. "All kids aren't like that and all Yachiru needs is for Zaraki to teach her some discipline."
"Yeah, like that's ever going to happen," snorted Anrak derisively.
"At least I don't burn things anymore," offered Lilynette. "I haven't set fire to anything in years!"
"So you're implying that you have in the past…" said Anrak, trailing off for a moment. "It's your turn to take the blame if she flips out on us, Lieutenant."
"I promise you she'll behave, An," said Nel confidently.
"It was a long time ago, in Los Noches…" explained Lilynette, trying to defend herself. "Grimmjow was being a butthead so I set fire to his room while he was out one day."
"Wait a minute…" said Anrak, stopping in his tracks. "Grimmjow is the one who seems to have a crush on my wife, right? You set fire to his quarters?"
"Yeah, but—"
"Come on, kid; I'm buying you some ice cream."
"Sweet!"
"An!" cried Neliel, shocked. "You can't reward her for that kind of behavior!"
"…but you're not allowed to like it," he added.
"Damn. Ice cream. Boo," said Lilynette, doing an amazingly poor job of pretending to be sad.
"You two are terrible…" said Neliel, shaking her head and smiling in spite of herself.
"What?" asked Anrak. "You wanted us to get along, didn't you? We're bonding!"
"Can you two not bond over arson, at least?"
"I punched him in the nuts a couple of weeks ago for being stupid," offered Lilynette.
"…so, extra-large sundae with hot fudge and sprinkles?" asked the shinigami.
"An!"
"Your idiocy never ceases to amaze me…"
Tyn gave a nervous grin as Halibel glared at him angrily, trying to lighten her mood and diffuse the situation before the tercera felt the irresistible urge to hit him. Seriously, it wasn't his fault things were going so bad; no one had ever told him that all the so-called "good" restaurants needed reservations! How was he supposed to have known? Why would any reasonable person think it necessary to schedule a meal days or even weeks in advance?
"Four tries at four restaurants and we keep getting turned away because you were too dense to call ahead…" sighed Tia. "You knew we were going out tonight, you knew I wanted a nice dinner, and somehow you forgot to make reservations anywhere?"
"Fifth time's the charm, right?" asked Tyn as they stood in front of a new restaurant. "Don't worry; I'll take care of it. Just wait right here and I'll get us in."
"If I hear any screaming in there—"
"Yeah, yeah, I know; I'll be sleeping on the roof tonight," muttered the redhead as he went inside.
A well-dressed man standing behind a podium looked up from his book and smiled in greeting before putting down his pen on the seating chart.
"Welcome, Sir! Have you a reservation?" he asked.
"No, not exactly…" Tyn began, noticing that the man's expression became less-pleasant. "But I was hoping—"
"If you do not have a reservation, we cannot seat you tonight, Sir," said the man stiffly. "However, we can make a reservation for you in the next couple of weeks if—"
"I can see into the dining room from here, you know," Tyn growled. "I see a few empty tables, so what's the problem?"
"Those are reserved, Sir."
"They're empty. If the jackholes who reserved them are late, I say they should be up for grabs."
"That it not how we do business, Sir."
"Look…" Tyn began, stepping closer and pointing towards the door just as Tia wandered in to check on him. "If she doesn't get to have a nice dinner tonight, she's not going to be happy. If she's not happy, I don't get any and I'm likely to end up sleeping outside. If that happens, I won't be happy. If I'm not happy, bad things happen."
He grinned darkly as he put an arm around the man's shoulders.
"You don't want that, do you?" asked the quinto. "You want to help us out like a good little human, don't you?"
"Sir…" gulped the man, sweating nervously at the not-so-subtle threats, "I would love to help you, but my manager—"
"Might fire you, but you can always get another job at another restaurant," soothed Tyn with another malicious grin. "Learning how to walk again, however, is probably much harder."
"Tyn, just what the hell are you doing?" growled Tia, arms folded across her chest. "I thought we had a discussion about how to behave in public."
"We're negotiating," he said as he removed his arm from the man's shoulders and moved over to try and explain things to the Shark Queen. Neither of them paid any attention to the terrified man as he waved over a few additional employees to back him up while Tyn and Tia argued amongst themselves.
"You wanted a nice dinner and I'm getting us a table!" snapped Tyn. "Just let me handle this and—"
"I don't want you threatening people with violence just to—"
"It wasn't a threat; it was a promise!"
"You can't go around acting like this, moron!" Tia practically shouted as she grabbed him by his shirt collar threateningly. "What's it going to take to get through to you?"
"How come I'm not allowed to threaten people, but you're allowed to threaten me?"
"Because you're an idiot!" roared Halibel angrily, making everyone in the area step back in anticipation of an explosion of violence. "Do I need to beat this information into you?"
"I just wanted to make you happy…" Tyn offered. "Hiroki would have—"
"Don't you dare mention that name ever again," seethed the blonde. "Ever. I don't want you to do anything like he would have."
"…then what's the problem?" asked Tyn, sounding confused. "He wouldn't have been willing to break a few spines to get you the things you want, would he?"
"…God damn it," sighed Tia as she released her grip on him. "You have no idea how much I hate it when you make a half-decent point."
"So can I go back to negotiating—"
"No."
"But-"
"No, Tyn. Let's just go somewhere else and this time, no threatening people."
"Dates suck."
Starrk and Keiko watched several of the waiters make their way back into the dining room after some sort of commotion up front and they looked at each other, wondering if there was some kind of emergency going on. There was no announcement made for patrons to exit the restaurant but everyone looked agitated and something had definitely been going on.
The primera decided it was better to ask and be sure than to sit and know nothing, so he flagged a waiter over to their table.
"Hey, look, I don't mean to be nosy, but did something happen up front?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, if something's going on and you need people to leave…"
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Sir!" the waiter assured him. "We just had a minor problem with two would-be customers."
"Nothing too serious, I hope," Keiko said. "There are some real crazies in this town…I remember hearing about someone assaulting the mall Santa at Christmas for no apparent reason."
"Nothing too bad, Ma'am; some red-haired maniac and a scary blonde lady were threatening people."
Starrk just facepalmed and groaned.
Lilynette savored the taste of her frozen treat, shivering with delight as she began to gobble the ice cream down quickly, ignoring the small ache in her skull as her brain tried to freeze. Ice cream, she decided, was a gift from the gods. And if that ice cream had hot fudge, so much the better.
She offered a chocolate-stained grin to Neliel and Anrak sitting on the other side of the table in the park, the duo sharing a sundae themselves.
Noise from people playing elsewhere in the park diverted her attention for a moment and she turned her head to watch a man teach his young son some extremely basic martial arts. Lilynette heard Nel comment to her husband on how cute the sight was, but all the young arrancar could think about was how Starrk had always been too lazy to teach her how to fight back in Hueco Mundo.
Sure, the primera spent more time with her now, but it was all seeing movies and playing video games and going shopping; he had never taken the time to show her how to really defend herself and he didn't seem inclined to start anytime soon, especially with how overly-protective he seemed to be getting now that he was dating Keiko.
In fact, that only one who had ever really taught her about combat was…
"Hey, what happened to that guy with the white hair?" Lilynette asked Neliel as she turned back around. "He was Captain of Squad…Squad…I don't remember, but he was a Captain."
"Hitsugaya?" offered Nel.
"No, not the kid. The guy."
"Captain Ukitake, you mean," said Anrak slowly. "Former Captain of Squad 13."
"Former?" echoed Lilynette. "What happened? Did he retire?"
"Not quite… Do you remember him getting hurt in the battle?"
"Yeah, but it wasn't that bad, was it?"
"He had a hand shoved straight through his chest; that's pretty bad," said Anrak. "And unfortunately, Captain Ukitake had already been ill for centuries…he never recovered from his wounds and…"
"He's…dead?" whispered Lilynette, paling slightly as she dropped her plastic spoon into the melting remains of her sundae. "But…he was…I mean, he wasn't that bad for a Soul Reaper!"
"People die in war," Neliel reminded her gently. "It's an unfortunate truth and he knew the risks, like we all do."
"I was in Squad 11 under Captain Zaraki at the time…" Anrak continued. "Spent most of my time on missions away from the Seireitei so I never really knew Captain Ukitake. I returned in time for the war, aiding in the defense of the Seireitei and the second raid on Los Noches. A couple of months after Ukitake passed away, I was promoted over to lead his squad and I'm trying to do so in a way that he would have approved of."
"And I'm now the Lieutenant of Squad 13," added Neliel. "Why ask, Lilynette? What made you think of him?"
"When I fought him…tried to fight him, he actually gave me some pointers on what I was doing wrong. He wasn't really mean about it, either; I know he didn't want to fight me but at the same time, I think he liked trying to teach me," explained the girl. "Starrk never did that. He won't teach me to fight and I don't care if we're in the human world now, I still want to learn. I want to be strong enough to take care of myself without hiding behind him or anybody else!"
"…and you were wondering if Captain Ukitake might be willing to help you," finished Anrak for her.
"Well, I mean…yeah, kinda. If you guys thought he could keep it a secret that we were all still alive, I mean."
"I think he would…" said Neliel with a soft smile. "From everything I've heard from Rukia, Renji, Captain Kyōraku, and everyone else that knew him, Ukitake was a very kind and compassionate man."
"I wish he hadn't died…" Lilynette said. "He was pretty nice to me even though I was really trying to hurt him. I wanted to apologize for being a jerk and ask if he'd teach me some more."
"There's nothing to apologize for…" Anrak said. "Captain Ukitake wouldn't have taken it personally or held a grudge, and I'm sure he would have been glad to help you in his spare time."
Lilynette sighed and picked her spoon back up, slowly stirring her melting sundae around a bit before taking another bite as Neliel and Anrak looked at each other for a second.
"Hurry up and finish your ice cream," Anrak said finally. "I think we still have one more place to go today…"