Autumn 1853

Western Caucasus

Christine

"All right!" I sang. "You are allowed to look!"

Raoul turned around and watched as I spun around for him, my traveling dress flaring out. Tiredly, he smiled at me.

"You look beautiful," he said softly.

I laughed. "Truly? I'm quite fat now, you know!"

It was only nearing the fifth month of my pregnancy, but Raoul teased that I liked to think I was further along than I truly was.

I was wearing my new dress for the first time. Erik had purchased three in Tiflis – two for me to wear while still relatively small, and a third for me to grow into. I declared that morning that I was large enough to wear it. I had taken a bath the night before, and I had somehow managed to do my hair that morning. I insisted on Raoul turning away and closing his eyes until I was quite finished.

"Truly," Raoul replied. "You are radiant."

I giggled again and hurried over to place myself in his lap, pressing a few soft kisses to his cheek. He merely closed his eyes again and leaned his head against my shoulder.

"We should go," he said. "It's late."

My mood dropping at his somberness, I sighed, and my lips lingered on his cheek. "I wish I could take away your pain, Raoul," I murmured.

"I'm fine," he insisted. "Merely tired."

"You aren't – " I began.

"I know, I know," he interrupted quickly. "I know I can't lie well." He was silent for another moment, and so was I. Carefully, he shifted, and I slid off of his lap and onto the bed. "Let's go," he said, standing and offering his hand to me. I eyed it sadly for a moment before sighing once again and accepting.

Several evenings later, we were sitting in our room at a shabby but clean inn. I was combing my hair. I had persuaded Erik to purchase a brush for me. Its back was overlaid with intricate silver designs that caught in the candlelight and created tiny spots of light on the wall. I hummed and smiled as I ran it through my hair.

"Christine?" Raoul said, his voice choked.

"Yes?" I said, putting the brush away and looking at him. My hand fell onto my round stomach. I had started doing that more often.

He held out his hand, and I went to him, sitting beside him on the bed.

"What is it?" I murmured.

"I…need your help," he finally said. I waited patiently for him. Almost without conscious effort, he raised his own hand and placed it over mine, which was still resting on my belly.

"We still have a very long ways to travel," he said suddenly. "And I'm not sure if I can do it."

"What do you mean?" I asked, unable to hide the worry in my voice. "Are you ill? What's wrong?"

"No – it's nothing like that," he said quickly. "It's about…well, it's Erik, frankly."

I was silent. His hand twitched on mine.

He said, "You know that I dislike him – he dislikes me as well."

I gave the slightest hint of a smile. "Somehow, I don't think 'dislike' is fitting," I said.

He managed to laugh. "Yes, you're right. But we both know what I meant. I am just concerned that I won't be able to travel to Paris while keeping a civil tongue around him. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said quietly. "I understand."

"I know that you – I don't know how – but I know that you hold him in higher esteem than I do. He's friendly and civil toward you, sometimes too much so, I believe. But I will need your…support, sweetest. The journey to Paris is still a long way."

I then gave him a smile and put my hands to his cheeks. Softly, I pressed my lips to his forehead. "I will help you, Raoul," I said. "You may tell me anything."

"You will not like some of the things I say," he warned.

"I know," I said simply, honestly. "I know how you feel about Erik. But I am your wife, Raoul. It is my duty to support you – to cheer and comfort you, 'til death do us part!" Another smile stretched my mouth, and I put my hand over his again. "You almost have a son," I whispered. "A family."

He looked at me, his eyes so beautifully blue and so full of emotion that I was momentarily breathless. I hoped our son would inherit his eyes. "I love you," he finally said, almost helplessly. It seemed to be all he could say.

My smile widened, and I replied, "I know."

With my growing, I worried that it would be even more dangerous for us to ride at such a pace. I reasoned with Erik, who reluctantly agreed to slow the horses down. We now spent most of the day walking. Erik disappeared again, and Raoul would slide off the horse to lead it. It was going to be quite a feat to ride during the upcoming months. I considered talking to Erik about acquiring another horse sometime soon. Even though I wasn't a very accomplished rider, if the pace was slow I would not have trouble.

True to my word, I was there every evening, listening to Raoul, consoling him as best I could. I tried to be gentle and patient, quietly explaining Erik's opinions. I often tried to get them to compromise on decisions. Soon enough, I discovered that that was impossible. Erik apparently never compromised. It was always his way, or he refused to do it at all.

Such was the case one afternoon. It was very warm – unseasonably warm, was what Erik said, and I was dozing contentedly in a pretty little clearing. The sun was bearing down on me, and I was laying out on a small blanket Raoul had spread on the ground for me. He was sitting beside me, looking off into the trees with a quiet, thoughtful expression on his face. We had been riding all day, and Erik had finally allowed us to stop and rest for an hour or so. I reached over and grasped Raoul's hand tenderly. He turned his gaze to me and a small smile broke his solemn expression.

"Erik told me this morning that we wouldn't reach a town until tomorrow," he said. He pressed my palm to his lips. "What if we stay here for the night? You could use the rest."

It was true that the small amount of lazing I was allowed to do felt very nice, indeed. "I would like that very much," I said honestly. "This feels marvelous."

Gently, he slid closer to me and put a hand on my stomach. It was heavy and warm, and I covered it with my own.

"I think about him constantly," Raoul said, looking back to me and smiling almost sheepishly. "Does it sound juvenile to say that I am excited?"

I giggled. "Of course not. I am excited, too. This is an exciting thing, Raoul. Just imagine what your family will think when we get home!"

He laughed, and the sound warmed me. He hadn't been laughing very often, and it worried me, but whenever he did, I found myself relaxing and feeling immensely grateful for such a husband.

There was a sudden movement, and I turned my head to see that Oberon, who had been grazing nearby, had picked up his head and turned his ears forward, as if sensing something. A moment later, Erik appeared. He went over to his horse and adjusted the saddle and bridle before glancing to us.

"We're leaving," he said.

I made to sit up, but Raoul put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Actually, I was thinking we could simply stay here for the night."

Erik paused and turned to face us fully. "There are plenty of hours of daylight left," he said, almost disgustedly, as if Raoul was an idiot for making such a suggestion. "We can't spend them loafing about."

"Why ever not?" Raoul said, his brows knitting deeply. "Christine needs the rest."

"Which means the sooner we leave, the sooner we will be able to find a suitable campsite in which she can rest," Erik said.

"This is a perfectly suitable campsite," Raoul replied, somewhat heatedly. I felt the slight fear in my chest that always accompanied an argument between the two men.

"It is too near the main road," Erik snapped. "And we still have thousands of miles to cover, if you did not know. We will use the light that we have when we have it and ride while the weather is agreeable. Now get up and saddle your horse."

Raoul opened his mouth to retort, but I quickly, urgently, squeezed his hand. He looked at me, and I shook my head slightly.

"It's fine," I whispered. "Please, Raoul. I promise it's fine."

He passed a hand over his face, exhaling angrily, before helping me sit up. I stood as Raoul gathered the blanket, and he packed it away in the saddle. His face was still contorted slightly in anger at his giving in. Hoping to soothe him, I slipped an arm around his waist and kissed his cheek. Then I thought of Erik and my suspicions about his feelings for me, and my face burned.

Raoul caught my attention and helped me climb onto Titania. I adjusted myself a little awkwardly, and, carefully, Raoul climbed up behind me. We rode several miles, watching as the sun was sinking low. We finally stopped when there was the faintest glimmer of light still left in the evening sky.

I rested while Raoul put up the tent, and I talked quietly with him while I worked. Erik disappeared for a very long time, and Raoul gathered some dry wood to start a fire. He then realized he had no way to start it. Erik somehow always started the fire in a matter of seconds. Obviously a little miffed, he put the wood down and said he had decided to wait until Erik returned.

When it was dark, he sat close to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Here."

A voice whispered around the dark, and I screamed loudly, startled by the sound. There was a loud crack, and a fire appeared in the appropriate place. Erik stood above it, watching me with faint amusement in his eyes.

"You shouldn't scare us like that!" I gasped, putting a hand to my heart.

"I apologize," Erik said, surprisingly cordial. He walked around and held out a small cloth bag. I took it and examined the contents within before smiling at him.

"Thank you," I said.

He nodded and then turned away to disappear into the darkness once again. While I watched, Raoul pulled out some bread and a wrapped piece of cold ham. He offered me some, and I took it.

"Do I want to ask where Erik got this so late at night?" Raoul said quietly.

I looked up from my meal to smile at him.

"I doubt it," I replied. "It will only upset us both."

He laughed weakly and returned to his meal.

A few hours later, we were both in the tent. Raoul had fallen asleep very quickly, but I was having trouble. I wiggled about quietly, rolling to either side and sighing quietly. There was a dull pain in my lower back, and I could not sleep with the constant throbbing. It was a very bright night, and I watched the shadows on the top of the tent, willing myself to feel tired. Absentmindedly, I ran my hand across my stomach. To my surprise, I felt sudden pressure against my hand and stomach. The baby had moved! I had felt odd little flutters over the past few weeks, but this was the first time that I could feel movement from outside my stomach. I gasped delightedly and sat up quickly, looking to Raoul, intent on waking him. However, when I saw him, I stopped.

My poor, dear Raoul…He looked utterly exhausted and spent, and I gently brushed his hair away from his face. He did not deserve any of this, I thought sadly. He should not be fleeing halfway across the world for things he had not done. He did not deserve to spend all day in the company of a man he detested. Raoul should have been home in France, happy with me as his wife and eagerly expecting a child.

Deciding to let him sleep but knowing I couldn't take another minute in that stuffy tent, I wrapped a shawl around my shoulders and stepped out. It was warm, but a small breeze made it slightly chilly, and I hugged the shawl closer to myself.

The little grove we had camped in was sheltered, and I looked up to see if I could spot the bright stars through the trees. It was extremely canopied, and I sighed huffily to myself, walking around to see if I could find a better view.

"You should not wander."

I squeaked out a frightened gasp and whirled around. It was Erik, of course, watching me from a few feet away.

"Oh, you startled me," I said, attempting to catch my breath. "And I'm not wandering."

"Why are you out here and not asleep?"

"I can't sleep," I said simply. "And I couldn't stand simply lying in that tent for another moment." I smiled at him. "Don't you ever sleep?"

"Of course I do," he said. "I am human, after all."

I laughed a little. "Sometimes you manage to fool me."

"That has never been my intention," he said.

"Well, at least your intentions were good," I said teasingly.

He walked toward me a few steps, gazing down calmly. My heart fluttered a little.

"I've heard something about good intentions," he said softly. "Something about the path to hell being paved with them…"

For another long moment, he stared at me, and I at him. A slight breeze stirred through us, and I shivered, breaking the tense silence. A little awkwardly, I craned my head upward in the pretense of trying to see the stars, when in all actuality I simply couldn't hold his intense gaze any longer.

"It's very bright outside tonight," I said, trying to bring our conversation back to where I was comfortable. "It's too bad that the trees are so thick. I can't see anything!"

Erik was silent, and I was too afraid to look at him again. Something brushed my arm, and I jumped and then felt foolish. It was only his fingers.

"Come with me," he said.

I followed him away from the little campsite, looking over my shoulder a little nervously. What would Raoul do if he woke up to discover I was gone? I did not want him to be upset with me, and I had been alone with Erik too many times for my husband to feel comfortable. I was pushing Raoul too far with this, and it shamed me terribly.

"Did you forget something?"

Quickly, I looked back at Erik and smiled. "Of course not. Show me what you planned to!"

He continued to lead the way, and I stumbled along behind him like some great terrible oaf. My sense of balance was becoming slightly thrown with the sudden expansion of my stomach, and I stumbled around behind him. Once, I tripped over a rock and was sure I was going to land on my face, but he caught me quickly, taking my hand and straightening me.

"Do be careful," he said.

When he began to walk again, I noticed that he was still holding onto my hand. I did not want to pull away, for I knew it would offend him greatly. The support was also helping me walk a little less clumsily. His hand was large, and his fingers were long. It easily engulfed my own, and I felt the thinness of it beneath the leather of his gloves.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"A few more minutes," he said simply.

After trudging through the trees for his promised 'few more minutes,' he stopped and then pulled me in front of him. His other hand lightly brushed the small of my back.

"Go ahead," he whispered.

Feeling nervous and extremely excited, I crept forward a little ways and then came upon a wide clearing, full of tall grasses and wildflowers. Moonlight bathed it in silver light, and a small stream crept around the edge. When I looked up, I saw countless stars, all twinkling at me.

Erik stood next to me, and I smiled at him once again.

"This is lovely," I said. "Thank you."

I could tell one of his eyebrows suddenly cocked, and he looked at me incredulously. "'Lovely?'" he said, a little disappointedly.

"I'm sorry," I said instantly. "It's wonderful. It's beautiful."

Instantly, an amused expression crossed his eyes, and he said, "All you see is a wide clearing. Correct?"

I looked back at it. "Am I supposed to be seeing something else?"

A soft chuckle escaped him, and he pushed me forward gently. We stepped into the clearing, the grass almost reaching my knees. He raised an arm and pointed with one long finger.

"Look there," he said quietly.

I peered at the direction in which he was pointing. It was across the clearing and toward a small clump of shady trees. As hard as I looked, I saw nothing but the shadows of the trees.

"I don't see anything," I confessed, feeling a little stupid.

"Perhaps if we are quiet enough you will see," he said.

For several silent moments we merely stood there. I tried to see whatever it was that Erik was obviously so entranced by, but I could make out nothing. When I was beginning to feel a little cold and was just going to ask Erik if whatever it was would be visible soon, he touched my arm lightly, suddenly, and pointed once again.

From the darkness crept two pretty deer, one obviously a doe and the other its fawn. I watched in absolute stillness as the pair made its way deeper into the clearing. The moonlight was bright on them, and I could see the wide, dark eyes and the delicately-shaped head and ears. There was a long white stripe on the back of their upturned tails.

Slowly, carefully, Erik withdrew his feather-light touch from my arm and stepped farther into the clearing as well. Immediately, the deer froze and looked at him, their long ears cocked forward. To my astonishment, they did not bolt when he took yet another step toward them. He certainly could be a frightening specter to the human race – tall and masked with burning mismatched eyes – but it was obvious that the animals in the clearing did not see him as such.

When he was no less than a few yards away from them, he looked back at me and beckoned silently. My heart beating excitedly, I took a few steps deeper into the tall grasses. However, the moment I did so, both deer bolted, dashing back into the forest. A huge wave of disappointment washed over me followed by laughter.

"I'm sorry!" I giggled, hurrying up next to him. "I suppose that I simply don't have what you do. I'm afraid I frightened them away before you wanted me to."

"It's perfectly fine," he said. "They are not trusting creatures, so it is to be expected."

"Well, they let you get very close to them," I said. "It is apparent you get on well."

"I suppose I should be grateful for that," he said, laughing a little himself. "I must get along with something, and if not mankind, then why not animals?"

I smiled at his apparent good humor and then said, "How did you know they were there? I couldn't see a thing!"

"Oh, they were relatively easy to spot," he said, waving a hand carelessly. "I spent too many nights to count roaming the Forêt de Roumare as a boy, and animals are generally the same all over the world." He was silent for a few moments. "I could say the same with people as well," he said quietly.

I was not a fool. I realized that Erik must have led an incredibly difficult life, probably all of it caused by his poor face. It was terrible to think of people treating him cruelly because he did not have a regular face like they did.

You are not so different, a voice hissed at me. You screamed and screamed when you saw it. Remember?

Of course I remembered – I would never forget.

Feeling a desire to quickly dispense of the subject at hand, I looked at the stars, leaning back a little and putting a hand on my stomach to keep my balance.

"I cannot believe how much beauty there is in simple nature," I said. "I feel as if there are still thousands of beautiful things that no one has yet discovered. God is truly the Master artist."

Erik was silent, and when I glanced at him I found that he was gazing at me. A blush hit my cheeks, and I forced my eyes back to the night sky. My lower back was hurting again, and I knew that I needed return to the tent before Raoul woke and panicked.

"Erik, thank you so much for this," I finally said. "It was love – oh!" I gasped a little when I felt another punch against my hand.

"What is it?" Erik moved to me swiftly. "Are you hurt? What's wrong?"

"No, it's nothing like that!" I laughed, sliding a hand across my stomach. "I can feel him moving!" I looked up at Erik excitedly and said, "Feel!"

A terrified expression crossed his mismatched eyes, and he said jerkily, "No – I don't believe I – it isn't very proper for me – "

"Oh, nonsense!" I giggled. I grasped his wrist and pulled it to my stomach. He tugged a little, but I did not relent until his large hand was splayed across my rounded belly. We stood silently for a few moments, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"This isn't – " he began, but he stopped abruptly. My son had just kicked against his palm. Erik looked up at me, complete alarm in his eyes. He took his hand away hastily.

"Isn't it miraculous?" I whispered happily, looking at him.

There was a deep, pregnant pause, and he looked at me in such a way that I felt my smile disappear. A rush of terrible emotions swept over me.

What was I doing? What was I doing alone with him in the middle of the night? What kind of terrible woman was I? I had allowed him to hold my hand. I had let him lead me off into the darkness, away from my loving husband. I had put his hand on my stomach in order to let him feel my unborn baby kick! I was an awful, wicked woman, and I took a few steps back.

"I need to return to my tent," I said blankly. Without another word, I turned around and ran as fast as my stomach would allow. If he followed me, he did not make it known. I stumbled my way back to the site, forcing the tears back. No – I couldn't cry.

When I saw the tent, I rushed toward it and crawled in. Raoul was still asleep, lying on his stomach with his arm as a pillow, breathing softly and deeply. I knelt next to him and shook his shoulder.

"Raoul!" I rasped hoarsely. "Raoul, wake up!"

He groaned sleepily and rolled over to open his eyes and squint at me groggily.

"Christine?" he murmured. "What is it?" As he woke himself up further, the more concerned he became. He sat up and passed a hand over his eyes before saying, "What's wrong? You look sick and tired – and you're covered in sweat! Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, nothing like that," I said, scooting up right beside him. I took his hand and put it on my abdomen. "I felt him move tonight – twice!"

"Really?" he asked eagerly.

I nodded, forcing myself to smile, though inside my heart was racing. "It was so wonderful. I had to wake you up so you could feel."

He waited in breathless anticipation, but everything was still. I took his hand and moved it around experimentally, but my baby was deciding to be stubborn and ruin everything.

After a few minutes, I finally sighed. "I'm sorry," I said. "I did feel him move. Maybe he went to sleep."

Raoul laughed a little. "I'm sure I'll be able to feel soon enough. Just knowing that my son is in you – alive and well – is more than I could have ever hoped for." He kissed my temple and lay back down. I glanced toward the flap of the tent, almost as if I was expecting Erik to be there, watching me. But there was no one, of course. Carefully, I crawled onto Raoul, who looked a little surprised but said nothing. It was awkward with my stomach, but I finally managed to find a position on him that was comfortable for both of us.

"I hope you don't mind," I whispered, laying my head in the vicinity of his heart. I heard it pounding steadily, strongly. "I'm lonely."

"Of course I don't mind," he said. "Sleep well, Christine."

"I love you," I said firmly.

His response was a sleepy smile and a hand through my curls, and he fell back asleep. I buried my face in his chest and sobbed.