Chapter 37

Daniel ended up staying for two days. He was gone all day, but he'd come back in the evenings and stay the night. He even said that he pretty much slept all the way through the night which helped him overall.

Tim tried not to be annoyed by Tony and Ziva's well-meaning but still irritating interference and after a few days, they eased back into their regular routines, although they were all very careful not to mention Levi at all. No one asked how he was doing. No one asked anything at all, and if Tim knew, he said nothing, either.

It wasn't ideal but it was the way things stayed for a while.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Okay, Mr. Carew, you are being released today as you requested, but I want you to promise me that you'll still take it easy. Your heart took quite a beating and you're not as young as you used to be. It's going to take time for it to heal."

"I understand," Levi said.

"But will you promise to take it easy?"

"Yes, he will," Tamara said. "Even if he won't, I'll promise that he will."

The doctor smiled.

"Good. I'll expect you to start your physical therapy within the next week and if you don't, I'll call. I understand that you already have a psychiatrist?"

"Yes," Levi said.

"Good."

"His name is Dr. Woodrow Hicks," Tamara said when Levi said nothing else. "I've already spoken to him."

"I've heard of him. All right. I know I've asked this before, but are you sure that you want to leave so soon?"

"Yes," Levi said.

"All right. Good luck."

For almost the first time, Levi said more than two words at a time.

"Luck has nothing to do with it."

The doctor smiled. "I know."

Finally, Levi got off the bed and sat down in the wheelchair. Bri pushed the chair while Tamara walked along beside it, always in Levi's view. She had noticed how much he needed to see her, as if he still wasn't really sure she was actually alive. It would get tiring pretty quick, but if it helped him to be in a familiar environment at home, maybe it would help him start to believe it and communicate better.

They got home quite quickly. Levi said nothing. He walked into the house, almost hesitantly. His saying nothing was not a surprise. It was a kind of protection not to let out what he was thinking, but the way he was acting was very different. He wasn't sure. It was clear that he wasn't sure of what he was doing.

"Levi? How are you feeling?" Tamara asked.

Levi turned back to her.

"I'm not sure. I'm tired," he said.

He walked to the couch and sat down, genuinely looking tired out by the short walk inside.

"You can sleep if you need to, Levi."

"Okay."

He lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. His breathing evened out almost instantly. Tamara walked over and gently put a blanket over him. Then, she rubbed her hand over the fuzz growing out on his head. She smiled a little, thinking of what his reaction would be when she asked about the fact that he'd hidden this of all things. Not that he'd lied about it, but he'd concealed the fact that he was going bald by bypassing the balding part.

"Is he all right, Mom?" Bri asked.

"Yes. He's fine or he will be. Would you mind making something for dinner? Just soup or something simple like that. We need to keep everything simple until your father is ready for more."

"Right. I can do that."

Another smile and Tamara turned around. Bri was standing there, looking at her father, and she was bothered by his continued lethargy and how disconnected he still seemed. Tamara didn't like it, either, but she didn't have the built up idea of what Levi was like still. That image had been destroyed by the years they'd been back together. But Bri had avoided her father as much as possible and so the changes were much more startling.

"I know you can."

Bri went into the kitchen but then paused and looked back. "What are you going to do?"

"Call Dr. Hicks and ask if he would be willing to make house calls for a little while. Just until your father is more recovered."

"When will that be?"

"I don't know," Tamara said. "In all the years that he was in the CIA, he never let me know how bad it got for him and now, I don't know what it will take, but he'll be okay eventually and I want to make it as easy as possible."

She went into the study to find the phone number for Dr. Hicks.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Levi opened his eyes, took a moment, to decide where he was and then sat up on the couch. Tamara wasn't right there and he tried not to panic simply because the logical part of him knew that she was simply somewhere else in the house but the illogical part of him, which quite frankly, had a lot more control at the moment, was insisting that she didn't exist if she wasn't right there.

"Levi, you're awake."

He turned and instantly relaxed, seeing Tamara there. She smiled at him.

"Your doctor said that you had to be sure to eat three meals a day and no skipping unless you were genuinely feeling ill. So dinner is ready if you're ready to get up."

Levi thought about it. He was still tired, but food sounded good. They'd started him eating again while he was in the hospital and the idea of eating food was a good thing.

He pushed himself to his feet, feeling tired and shaky, but he was up. Then, he walked over to Tamara, she took his arm and led him to the table. Bri was there, and he knew she was, but it was Tamara that he had to see.

He sat down and ate what was in front of him. He didn't really notice the taste of it. He just ate it and was glad for the food that he'd been denied for however long he'd been in that house. It probably wasn't too long. He didn't think it had been more than a month when he thought back, but it had been long enough.

"How long was I...gone?" he asked into the mostly silent room.

"Almost three weeks, Levi," Tamara said.

"Probably couldn't have survived much longer, then."

"No, probably not. I'm glad I didn't have to find out."

Levi found that he could smile at that. And he did.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Tamara said. Then, she smiled, too. "If I was tired of you, Levi, I would find a much easier way to get rid of you."

Levi actually managed to laugh a little.

"I don't doubt that," he said.

He finished eating, but he was exhausted by the effort of feeding himself.

"I'm tired," he said again.

"All right. Let's get you into bed, then," Tamara said. "No sense in sleeping on the couch when your bed is right down the hall."

"Okay."

Levi pushed himself to his feet again, but he felt even more shaky than he had before and he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it that far.

Then, there was an arm around his waist and a hand lifting his arm up. He looked over and saw his daughter supporting him. ...about the last thing he would have expected to see.

"Let's go, Dad," she said. It was a bit brusque, but still, it wasn't combative.

"Okay," he said again.

He walked as best he could, but he was leaning on Bri far too much. He tried to take his weight off her shoulders, not wanting his daughter to have to bear his weight, but he couldn't.

They made it to the bedroom and Bri lowered him to the bed. He sat there, wondering if he could lift his legs up or if they'd be too heavy. They really felt heavy at the moment.

"Thank you, Bri," he said softly, his eyes closed as he breathed heavily.

There was a long, heavy pause.

"You're welcome, Dad."

Then, gentle, strong hands helped him get his shoes off and then get under the covers.

"Sleep, Levi. This is going to work out. You're getting better."

He nodded and fell asleep.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Timothy?"

Tim paused as he was leaving, surprised to have Ducky calling after him.

"What is it, Ducky? I don't want to be rude, but Daniel is flying back to Morocco and I promised I'd take him to the airport. I don't want to make him late."

Ducky smiled.

"Then, we can talk and walk at the same time. This shouldn't take very long."

"Okay."

Tim waved at Tony and Ziva as he left but said nothing to them.

"There seems to be a bit of tension with your teammates."

"Yeah, a little. At least, it's only a little on my side. They're much more tense than I am."

"That's because they're worried about you."

"Why?" Tim asked, feeling irritated again. "Because I don't want to see a man tortured until he dies?"

Ducky's eyes widened in surprise.

"No, Timothy."

"Sorry, Ducky. That was out of line."

"So Levi Carew is the source of the tension?"

"Yeah. Not him, but..." Tim glanced at Ducky, unsure of telling someone else about it.

"But what?"

"...but that I've been talking to him pretty regularly since my wedding and he said something about that when we found him. They heard and asked me about it."

"You have? You've always claimed not to really like him."

"I don't...but I've come to...accept him and it's possible that I could like the man he wants to become. And if he needs help getting to that, then, I'm willing to help him. Why can't they see that?"

"Because they still look on Levi Carew as the author of all your problems."

"But he wasn't, Ducky. And I'm not excusing what he did do. But he also made sure I got help when I needed it. He also only used me when he absolutely needed to. He also helped me far beyond any favor. ...and Ducky, he knows he can't really make amends, but he feels he has to try anyway. That's the kind of person he is. Honest in everything, even when it comes to himself and what he deserves. I'm not asking them to sing his praises. I'm not even asking them to stop hating him. I just wish they'd stop trying to force me to feel the way they do."

Ducky put a calming hand on Tim's shoulder.

"I don't think it's truly a matter of forcing you to feel other than you do. Timothy, I feel that much of this is fear on their part, fear that something else will go wrong and that the more contact you have with the CIA or anyone connected with it will only lead you to more pain."

Tim took a breath and let it out quickly. "I know. But it's not the way things are. I want them to let it go. That would help me more than anything."

"Perhaps you should tell them that."

Tim smiled a little.

"Maybe I should. ...but not tonight."

Ducky stood back.

"By all means, get your friend to the airport on time. I hope that all is well with him."

"He's doing pretty well. Still having some problems, but it's better."

"That's good. ...and Levi Carew?"

"He's home. I don't know more than that."

Ducky just nodded and Tim got in his car and headed home.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tamara woke up and was surprised that the space beside her was empty. Levi had been sleeping more than he'd been awake in the days since he'd come home and he rarely left her alone.

Quickly, she got up and walked out of the bedroom. Bri's door was closed and she doubted that Levi would go in there. He had barely acknowledged Bri's presence. She walked out into the main room and there was Levi. He was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

"Levi? What's wrong? It's four in the morning. What are you doing up?"

"It's 4:03 a.m.," Levi whispered, not moving. "I've been counting the minutes, trying to see how long I can stand not to see you. How long I can keep myself myself from panicking because you're not right there."

Tamara looked at the clock. He was exactly right.

"Why?" she asked. "I don't think that Dr. Hicks has told you to do that, has he?"

"No."

"Then, why, Levi?"

"Because I don't want to drive you away by needing to have you close to me, needing you too much. I still feel like... I can't breathe when you're not right next to me. I still feel like you're dead if I can't see you. You're the only thing I can hold onto. I'm not strong enough to lose you again. If I lost you now..."

Tamara was both touched by the sentiment and saddened by Levi's pitiful admission of weakness. There were glimmers of his old control but he didn't have the strength to suppress what he felt and he was still recovering, both physically and mentally, and he couldn't think quickly enough to talk around things. So he was settling for being brutally honest, probably in the hopes that it would keep people from asking him the awkward questions.

She walked over to the couch and sat down beside him. She pulled his hands down from his head and then forced him to look at her, even thought the only light was the dim light from the hallway.

"I'm here, Levi, and you can hold onto me as long as you need to. I don't mind. You spent thirty years not needing me around. I can handle a few weeks, even a few months."

"I always needed you. I just could hide it before," he said softly. Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and cupped her cheek. "If you only knew how much I always wished you were there. I wrote letters asking you to come back."

"I never got them," Tamara said.

"I never sent them. I couldn't change what I was doing and so nothing at home could change, either. Asking for another chance would be living a lie. And I couldn't lie."

Tamara covered his hand with hers for a moment. Then, she got up and walked back into the bedroom. She got the photograph she had found in the remains of their cabin. She walked back to the main room and sat down beside Levi again. He hadn't moved. She held out the photograph.

"I found this. After they took you. It didn't burn."

Levi took the photograph and stared at it for a long time. There was a weak laugh that escaped his lips.

"The one thing I can't change," he said, almost sounding teary. "The one thing that survived. It's all that's left."

"Levi, I'm not going to tell you to start lying. That just feels wrong."

He smiled a little.

"But you've lived so much of your life in the past. Not even just your own past, but this past," Tamara said, pointing to the photograph. "I always felt that you joined the CIA because you thought you could stop the Holocaust from happening again, that you could stop other people from being the way your mother was."

"Someone had to fight," he whispered, still staring at the picture.

"Yes and many do. I loved your mother. She was a wonderful woman, but the way she was when I met her... She made the Holocaust far too real for you. For most of us, it's a terrible thing, and we don't want it to happen again, but for you... It was always a real possibility, wasn't it."

Levi nodded. The silence lingered as he stared at the picture that had defined so much of his life.

"I'm afraid to let it go," he said, rubbing a finger over the photo of his father's emaciated body. "I don't want to forget."

"Levi, you never will. How could you when it touches your life so deeply? You won't forget, but if you want more out of life than you've had, you need to let some of that go."

It was silent for a long while. Then, Tamara reached out and forced him to look at her again. She smiled.

"And don't think that you're not good enough because the mighty Levi Carew can't get put back together in a moment. Give yourself time. You don't have to fight now, Levi. All you have to do is get better. All you have to do is recover, and I don't mind if you need me."

He put out his hand. Tamara took it quickly and felt him squeeze her hand tightly.

"I wish we could go back to when things were easier."

"We can't. We can only look forward and there good things in the future, Levi. You just have to let them come. And for now?"

He looked at her.

"For now, come back to bed. Let your body recover. Let your soul heal. I'm not going anywhere."

She stood up and pulled him to his feet. He was still a little unsteady and he still tired out very easily, but he was on his own two feet and that was a good thing.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Gibbs let them off early. It was a rare occasion and Tony thought for sure that there was something behind it, but whether there was or not, Tony wanted to try and get rid of the last bits of lingering tension. Tim had not said anything else to them about Levi but his irritation at what they had said before was very much in Tony's mind and he knew that Ziva was thinking of it as well. It put a bit of a barrier between them and Tony didn't like that, not after everything they'd been through in the years before.

"Hey, Tim, since we're free early, get a drink with us before you head home. Zahara won't be expecting you, right?"

Tim looked at the clock, clearly deciding whether or not she would. Then, he looked back.

"Okay. We should invite Jimmy and Abby if they can come, too."

"Sure."

Ziva called Jimmy and Tony called Abby. They were both available so they all went out to a bar to get a drink. Things were pretty normal for a while. No one drank a lot. They all had to work the next day.

But then, just as Tony thought that maybe he'd imagined the tension, that maybe it was just his own fault, Jimmy opened his mouth.

"Hey, Tim, how's Carew doing?"

Ziva looked worried, but she said nothing. Tony opened his own mouth to try and awkwardly change the subject but Ziva shook her head hurriedly as if she knew exactly what he was going to try to do.

Tim glanced sidelong at them both but he looked back at Jimmy and smiled.

"I've called Tamara a few times and she said that he's getting better. It's taking a while, but things are improving."

"You haven't visited him at all?" Jimmy asked, sounding surprised. "I thought you would have."

"No, it's not the right time for that yet."

"What is the right time?" Abby asked. "And how will you know if you're not talking to him?"

Tim smiled again, but this time, as he answered, he stared at Tony and Ziva.

"He'll show up on my running route," he said, daring them to protest.

Tony knew that was what Tim was doing, but he refused to say anything about it.

"What do you mean?" Abby asked, seeing the tension but not knowing the actual cause.

"Levi and I aren't really friends, Abby. But when he feels the time is right, he'll show up in the morning when I'm running and we'll talk. For now, he's probably still needing the time to recover, not so much physically but psychologically."

"I can't imagine how that must have been," Jimmy said, seemingly oblivious to Tony and Ziva's awkwardness.

"Yeah. I'll be glad to see him out of that."

And then, for no reason at all, Tony suddenly thought of what Tim had said to him out at the cabin, about how much he hated the idea of torture because he'd gone through it so much himself. In a way, seeing Levi recover would be kind of related to his own recovery, and how could Tony really take away the triumph Tim would feel at knowing Levi had recovered? He hadn't been too late. Maybe there was more to it than that, but Tony was starting to see that Tim needed to be able to celebrate and because of their suspicions, Tony and Ziva hadn't really let him.

So swallowing his pride (and his intense dislike of Levi overall), Tony took a breath.

"I'll drink to that," he said, holding out his glass.

Ziva looked at him like he'd sprouted horns and Tim was more than a little surprised, but Tony was surprised himself to see gratitude in Tim's eyes. Tim even smiled a little and raised his glass. The others followed suit whether out of shock or out of genuine agreement.

Then, Tim looked at his watch.

"I've got to get home."

"Me, too," Jimmy said.

"Ah, the married guys have get to bed early."

Tim grinned. "Better getting to bed early than alone."

"Oh, ouch. Touché, Probie," Tony said.

"I think you'll get over it."

"I'll build a bridge just to do that."

Jimmy laughed and they all stood up to leave, paying for their drinks and heading home.

Tim called for a taxi and then paused.

"Tony?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Tony smiled a little sheepishly and shrugged.

"Least I could do."

Tim shook his head. "No. It's the most and I get it. Thanks."

Then, he got in the taxi and left. Tony watched him drive away and sighed. But it was mostly relief that Tim had understood.

"He is right."

Tony turned and saw Ziva standing behind him.

"Yeah, he is."

"Will you let it go, now?"

"Yeah. At least out front."

Ziva smiled.

"But not in back?"

"Can't promise that."

"Tim is not asking for it."

"I know."

"See you tomorrow, Tony."

"Bye."

Tony headed for a Metro stop and went home.