Chapter Thirty-Five: Moving To Mars Part 2

Somewhere up above the stars
The wreckage of a universe floats past
Somewhere up above my heart
A tiny little seed is sown, a government is overthrown,
Who knows when we'll be coming home at last.

Day 2

I can't tell how far we've traveled out here. The Earth is still visible in the distance outside the window. I don't logically know how to fly the spacecraft, but my hands have been working on it all night. They know what to do. I don't. If I think about that too much, it scares me.

My wife has been down with the patient all day. He's been sleeping for most of the day. Apparently his skin feels warm, as if fever is setting in. I pray that the infection will not develop any further than that.

"Floyd," Audrey said at the end of their second day in outer space. "Please come down to bed. It must be lonely up here by yourself."

"I can't," Floyd said, refusing to look at Audrey. "I'm sorry."

"Why not?" She touched his cheek with cool fingers. Floyd turned his head away.

"I can't be around Rael, not when I know that I led him to this fate. I'm sorry I'm so weak, Audrey, but that's the goddamn truth."

She kissed his cheek and crept away. "If you say so. Goodnight, Floyd."

"Goodnight, Audrey."

On day three, the infection began and spread rapidly. Rael's fever heightened and he fell into a delirium. He complained of terrible pain coming from the place he'd gotten shot and of intense heat. "Help us… please, we're burning. We're fucking burning!" Audrey could do nothing but give him water and apply the anti-bacterial salve and hold Rael's hand, talking to him soothingly. That night she reported Rael's state to Floyd and asked him to come down to see Rael. But Floyd still stayed in the main room, flying the spacecraft through the endless night, alone with only a dead, rotting body and memories that weren't memories for company.

In his sleep, Rael was plagued with violent, unsettling dreams, the likes of which he had seen before when he was sick with fever in New York City. There were the horrific monsters, the rival gangs with machine guns- none of that was new. He dreamed of his brother, John, though John's face was blank in his memory. He dreamed of being a hungry Slipperman and of the Doktor Dyper standing over him with a wicked grin on his face, brandishing his sterilized cold metal knife in rubber-gloved hands.

Sometimes, though, Rael would dream of his mother and father, two people whom he hadn't seen in over six years. Gone was the angry glare on his mother's face, the look of disinterest in his father's eyes. They now stood by Rael lovingly, comforting him with silent reassurances. In his half-waking state, Rael could still feel a woman holding his hand.

Audrey was shocked the first time she heard Rael acknowledge her presence at his bedside, on the fourth day in outer space- "Mother, don't leave us…" Because she was the closest person to a mother Rael had, Audrey felt obliged to stay with him. She forced him to take food and water and held him as he shivered. "Mother…"

"It's all right," Audrey said, landing a kiss on Rael's forehead. "I'm here for you, Rael. I may not be your mother, but I'm here for you."

Audrey was becoming increasingly more frustrated with Floyd's reluctance to go back to the infirmary and see Rael. Every night she went back to the main room where Floyd had been for the past twelve or so hours and asked if he would please come down with her. "I can't leave Rael alone, and I miss you." But Floyd continued to insist that he couldn't handle seeing Rael- "not until he gets better." Audrey was pleased that Floyd had any ounce of faith in her ability to keep Rael alive, but she longed to point out the pessimistic side. If Rael's injury was fatal, Floyd would feel all the more guilty that he'd missed his chance to see him in the last days of his life.

But as Rael was merely sick, and Audrey was doing the best she could to save him, Floyd felt he didn't need to jump to conclusions yet.

On day five, Rael was a bit more lucid, and Audrey's hopes were raised. He came to, to find that Audrey was standing by his bedside, stroking his forehead and holding his hand. Rael blinked in surprise. "Audrey?"

Audrey jerked her hand that was playing with Rael's hair back. "Rael!" Her tone was joyous. "You're awake! Do you need anything?"

"It was you?" Rael stated, confused. He'd been so sure that his mother was the one taking care of him…

"What was me?"

"You helped us," Rael whispered, and then- "Can you get us some water? We're parched."

Audrey traveled down to the supply room to find water for Rael, and on her return trip, popped into the control room to find Floyd piloting the craft. "Floyd. Rael's awake and lucid."

Floyd turned his head to look at her, his eyes devoid of feeling.

"If you want to talk to him, now would be the time to do so," Audrey said, waiting for one second before turning and floating back out the door. Floyd said nothing more behind Audrey's back, and she hoped he wouldn't choose this time to be stubborn and stay in the safety of the control room.

When Audrey returned to the infirmary, Rael had propped himself up on his elbows, his body shaking. His dark skin looked astonishingly pallid under the lights. Still, Rael managed to smile gently at Audrey as she came into the room and stood beside him, offering water. "I'm sorry I can't do any more for you," Audrey said when Rael was done drinking. "Floyd is coming down to see you in a few moments."

"That's good," Rael said, falling back on the bed. "We want to talk with him…" He and Audrey waited, Audrey trying to extinguish her worry. Floyd wouldn't go and pull a stupid trick on them now… He had to come down to see Rael.

Soon Rael's eyelids began fluttering. He tried his hardest not to close them, but it became a struggle. "Audrey…" Rael murmured, fighting the urge to yawn. "We want to sleep…"

"Floyd should be coming any moment now," Audrey said. She got up and floated to the doorway. "Just wait here, Rael. I'll bring him down- maybe he's forgotten."

"There's not much else we can do," Rael said sleepily as Audrey left the room. She traveled down a hall and turned the corner only to bump into Floyd.

"Floyd! Rael and I have been waiting for you," Audrey said, forcing the stress not to leak out of her voice. Without waiting for an answer from her husband, she grabbed him by the arm and led him back into the infirmary, where her heart sank to her toes. Rael was asleep.

Releasing Floyd, Audrey spun around to face him, giving up her grip on sanity. "Dammit, Floyd! Just… dammit! Rael was awake a few moments ago, and he hasn't been awake for two days! Why do you…" She gave Floyd a half-hearted tap on the chest. "Why the hell do you insist on keeping to yourself when I really need you now, Floyd?"

"I'm sorry," Floyd whispered, looking past Audrey to the prone form on the bed. "I… I don't mean to be pushing you away…"

"It's not that," Audrey said, taking a step in the air backwards. "It's just… Oh, Floyd." She sighed and went back over to Rael's bedside. "It would mean so much to me if you bothered to help out with our patient here."

"I can't," Floyd said. "I have to pilot the craft. I apologize, but it really is hard work. In fact…" He glanced towards the doorway. "I have to go back now. I… I'm sorry, Audrey." With that, Floyd gave Audrey a hasty kiss and floated out of the room. Audrey stared after him, aghast, before moving towards the doorway herself, hands on hips. Her voice came out in a broken shout.

"Floyd! You can't do this to me now! You can't become Pink!" He didn't turn around. "FLOYD!"

Rael spent the sixth day asleep and dreaming, as he had spent the majority of the past few days. These dreams, however, were not the horrifying products of his fevered mind. These were nice dreams, albeit simple ones, but good dreams all the same. He was running through the streets of New York City at night with his brother John, when he had had a brother John, at his side, feeling the wind on his face. He was setting fires and standing spellbound by the hypnotic flames, even as his friends yelled at him to run. He was kissing a beautiful woman who bore more than a passing resemblance to Mylo, although it wasn't her. He was doing things he had never dreamed of doing, but now that he was, they didn't seem like the worst things in the world to do. Falling in love, having children… Never mind the fact that it was physically impossible for Rael to reproduce now.

Somewhere underneath the pleasant imagery, a voice was whispering. It took a while, but Rael eventually made out what it was saying. He will go before you. Rael wasn't sure what that meant, but he recognized the soft voice. It was the same that had told him he had no one to blame but himself, the voice that had appeared when his fluffy heart was shaven.

He will go before you, the voice whispered. And Rael understood the finality in its tone. It was time to go, and because nothing really mattered, he was ready. Except that he wasn't. There was someone that Rael had to speak to before he left, someone who hadn't been around to see him in a long time.

And so Rael awoke on the seventh day with a mission. He forced himself to stay awake and not to slip back into his delusions, and called out to Audrey. She jerked to wakefulness. "Rael? What is it, love?"

"Floyd," Rael said. "We need to talk to Floyd."

Audrey was out the door in an instant. She hurried up to the control room, finding Floyd sitting in his chair, asleep. "Floyd!" Audrey ran to him and tugged on his shirt. "Floyd, you need to get up. Rael wants to see you, and I think it's urgent."

"Hm? Oh… all right, Audrey," Floyd mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. He allowed himself to be pulled out of the room by Audrey (such things were easier when there was no gravity). Upon entering the infirmary, Floyd felt his palms begin to sweat. Rael gave him a weak smile from where he was lying. "Hey, Floyd. How are you doing?"

"All right," Floyd said, moving over to kneel at Rael's bedside. "Just woke up. What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"We had a dream," Rael said, gazing seriously into Floyd's eyes. "We dreamed… well, we dreamed that we met this girl. She was really nice looking, if you know what we mean- reminded us of Mylo a little, actually. We dreamed we fell in love with her and had kids together."

Floyd waited as Rael struggled for a breath. As he gazed into Rael's face, he realized with a cold shock just how much Rael's health had deteriorated. His blue eyes were glazed and glassy, and sweat was beading on his face. His chest heaved with each labored breath. Shame washed over Floyd- I should have come to see him sooner sooner sooner

"Your point being?" Floyd murmured when Rael still hadn't said a word.

Rael gasped for a breath- "Our point being that… well, you did all that family stuff, Floyd. You have a wife and a daughter…" He inhaled deeply, and Floyd blurted, "Save your breath, Rael. We don't have to talk now."

"Yes, we do," Rael insisted. "What we were wondering was… well… Floyd, was it ever worth it?"

Floyd blinked, reaching out and automatically taking Rael's warm hand, slick with sweat. "Yes, of course it was worth it. Despite all the marital problems Audrey and I had during our first few years together, we've now learned to love each other and Eva, and not a day goes by when I don't regret giving any ounce of my energy to them."

"Ah," Rael said, more of a breath than a statement. "So… so that's another thing we'll be missing out on, eh?"

"What are you talking about?"

Rael tried to toss his head, but ended up merely blinking. "You know. We learned from our dream that it's our time to go. We don't really want to, not yet, but if it's fate it's fate. No one can change that."

"But it doesn't have to be fate," Floyd said, squeezing Rael's hand. "You're not going to… go now. Not here. Not up in space."

"Yeah, it's definitely not what we always hoped for," Rael said with a small snort. "God, why did it have to be space? When we imagined our death, it was always something more heroic than this… We always thought we'd be shot down in a blaze of glory, or exploded so that we don't even leave a body. We'd have never expected outer space, where we're trapped on this bed, burning like a funeral pyre, rotting away. Chains are dragging our body down when we try to float. It's too empty here…" Rael's eyes took on a faraway look. "Fucking hell, it just had to be in space."

"You're not going to die," Floyd stated firmly. "You're sick now, but you're going to get better, Rael. Talking like this is just like giving up."

Rael shook his head. "We appreciate your confidence in us, but it's time, Floyd. What did we have to live for anyway? Even before we heard about the five years, there was nothing. Our parents are gone… our friends died… Our only comfort in these past months have been ourselves, and our new family- Mylo, Xyloto, Eva, Audrey, and you. But we're no big loss, we really aren't. We don't think we can go on living like this, as much as we'd like to have a future someday… But even if we hadn't gotten shot, the world would end in four years anyway."

"Rael," Floyd murmured, suddenly overcome. He brought Rael's hand to his lips and gently pressed it to them. "Rael, I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought you into this and led you to your… death." The word was extremely hard to get out, and his mind echoed painfully. Death death death…

"Aw, don't fucking blame yourself," Rael grumbled. "You weren't the one who decided to come along. We had the choice whether or not to join you, and we chose the path to death. It's not your fault, so don't you dare act like it is."

"It was my idea though," Floyd said.

"And we agreed to it," Rael added. "So shut up."

Floyd smiled wryly, only to have the smile drop off his face when he remembered- Rael was staring death in the face. No… no no no…

Floyd removed his hand from Rael's hand and began stroking his forehead, his mind ablaze. Don't leave me. Not when you have an entire life ahead of you. Not when you mean so much to me. Not after Ziggy.

"You don't have to treat us like a baby, Floyd," Rael said, rolling his eyes. Floyd's heart cracked, and his mouth opened, spilling forth words that had long been left unsaid to Rael.

"Rael… did you know I used to be a rock star just like Ziggy? I went by the name of Pink Floyd. My biggest hit was-"

"'Another Brick In The Wall,'" Rael said. "Yeah, we know. After Johnny gave you those LPs, we figured it out. Man, we used to hear 'Another Brick In The Wall' on practically every radio there ever was in New York City. We loved that song because we could relate… 'We don't need no education,' no?"

Floyd winced at the thought of Rael listening to his music and loving it. Everything that Floyd had ever written taught lessons of insubordination and defiance, and now when Rael needed a song the most, Floyd had nothing of his to offer. He knelt, still stroking Rael's hot forehead with trembling fingers, before he spoke again. "Rael, you never heard any of Ziggy's songs, did you?"

"Two of them," Rael said. "The one about outer space, and 'Changes.'"

"You haven't heard the entirety of 'Changes,'" Floyd said, swallowing to clear his dry throat. "I'll sing it for you." With that, Floyd lifted his voice into the best rendition of Ziggy Stardust's second-most popular hit that he could perform. Rael listened attentively all the while.

"Still don't know what I was waiting for

"And my time was running wild, a million dead-end street signs.

"Every time I thought I had it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet.

"So I turned myself to face me, but I never caught a glimpse

"Of how the others must see the faker.

"I'm much too fast to take that test! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

"Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes!

"Don't wanna be a richer man.

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

"Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes!

"Just gonna have to be a different man.

"Time may change me, but I can't trace time!

"I watch the ripples change their size,

"But never leave the stream of warm impermanence.

"And so the days float through my eyes, but still the days seem the same.

"And these children that you spit on

"As they try to change their world

"Are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through.

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

"Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes!

"Don't tell them to grow up or out of it!

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

"Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes!

"Where's your shame; you've left us up to our necks in it!

"Time may change me, but you can't trace time.

"Strange fascination, fasc'nating me.

"Oh, changes are taking the phase I'm going through!

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

On the final chorus, Rael began singing huskily along, struggling to draw breath. Floyd slowed down to accommodate his vocals.

"Turn and face the strange, ch-ch-changes!

"Look out, you rock and rollers!

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

"Pretty soon now, you're gonna get older!

"Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

"I said that time may change me, but I can't trace time."

With that, the song was over, and Rael lay smiling in bed. "Thank you," he whispered, his breath entirely spent. "Thank… you…"

"I want you to hold onto that song, Rael," Floyd said. "Hold onto it and don't let go. Remember that time might change you, but you can't trace time."

"We'll remember," Rael said, his eyes falling shut. Floyd felt for sure now that this was goodbye.

No! You're my friend- you can't go now!

"Rael," Floyd said, trying to stall, to delay the inevitable. "I… I want you to know… Even though I didn't like you very much when we first met, I've changed my mind now. You're a great friend, Rael. I love you."

He will go before you…

Rael felt something deep within himself dissolve into nothingness.

"I love you too, Floyd," he whispered, and then his eyes popped wide, an amazed grin spreading across his face. Seconds later, the breath whistled out of his empty lungs for the last time. Floyd waited and waited for Rael's chest to rise once more. It didn't. Rael's eyes glazed over, unblinking and unseeing.

"Rael…" Floyd leaned over the young man, searching desperately for a sign of life. "Rael!" He undid the straps on the bed and clutched Rael's body to his, hugging a still-warm empty shell. "RAEL!"

A hand slipped into Floyd's. He looked up- Audrey was standing over him, tears pouring down her cheeks. "He's dead," she whispered, trying to make herself believe it. "Oh God, Floyd… he's dead."

No…

"No," Floyd mumbled, his face a mask, devoid of emotion. Audrey laid a hand on his shoulder, sobbing. Floyd tolerated this for a second or two before snapping up and letting go of Rael's body. He shook Audrey off of him and pelted out of the room.

NO! NO NO NO!

"Floyd," Audrey choked out, running after him. "Floyd!" She fumbled her way blindly back to the control room, to find Floyd sitting slumped over the black bag containing Ziggy's body. Swallowing back her tears, Audrey went over to him.

"Floyd… I know it's hard… It's hard for me too…"

Floyd looked up at his wife, seeming to truly see her for the first time in a week. "Audrey," he half-moaned, pain infusing the two syllables. "After something like this, why should one even bother?"

Audrey said nothing in response, only pulling Floyd in to her and rubbing his back as the floodgates opened. For a few moments all Floyd could say was, "I want to die," over and over again, and then the words cut off as he began sobbing, tears floating into the open air. He cried harder than he'd ever cried in his life. He cried for his father, who had been killed before Floyd could ever meet him. He cried for his mother, whom he had spent half his life fighting against before reconciling with a little too late. He cried for Ziggy Stardust, the only man he had ever loved, whose death he could have prevented. And he cried for Rael, the closest thing he'd ever had to a son.

"I- I can't take it," Floyd wept onto Audrey's shoulder. "Why him?! Oh God, why him? Why Ziggy? Why anybody?!"

Audrey for once had no words of comfort to offer. All she could do was provide silent support. It will do you no good to join them, she thought. Remember that there are others still alive around here.

Finally, after what felt like an hour of sitting and crying, Floyd was spent. He disentangled himself from Audrey's embrace, although their hands remained together. If Floyd wasn't holding onto at least one part of Audrey, he felt he would go mad.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Floyd mumbled. "God, Audrey. I… I really don't know what to do."

"It's all right," Audrey said soothingly. "You don't have to know what to do. You've been the leader for far too long now. It's my turn to tell you what to do."

She gathered Floyd up in her arms, whispering in his ear. "I'll take you to the sleeping quarters. You can rest all you want. I'll take charge of the ship." And so Floyd was led down to sleeping quarters of the spacecraft, where he was strapped into a bed and watched over as he fell asleep. Once Floyd was sleeping exhaustedly, Audrey went and fetched the logbook from upstairs.

Day 7

Rael, our wounded passenger, died today. He was a brave soul, loved by few, remembered by few, but he will always have a place in our hearts. R.I.P.