Kíli sat beside his uncle feeling absolutely useless. He'd done everything that Óin had told him to do but it hadn't helped. His uncle was bundled up under everything that could be spared in an attempt to keep him from catching a chill and Kíli was bathing his forehead with a damp rag to attempt to break his fever but nothing was working. With a growl of frustration Kíli threw the rag back in the bowl and fisted his hands in his hair. The pain in his scalp from his own pulling helped him to bite back the sob that was threatening to rise.
"Why isn't it working?" he ground out, not expecting an answer.
"Give it time, laddie," Balin replied from just a little ways away. "Fevers are nasty business. They take time to treat."
"He doesn't have time," Kíli snarled his own optimism shaken at seeing his uncle muttering in his sleep and in such a weakened state. "Isn't there anything else we can do?" The desperation in the young heir's voice moved Balin. Kíli was far too young for what was about to happen but there was nothing that Balin, or anyone else could do about it. It was a cruel turn of events, but that was life. Bailn couldn't, and shouldn't, shelter Kíli from the truth. After all, he couldn't cling to Dís' skirts forever, or Thorin's coattails for that matter. Besides, this was a lesson that Kíli was going to have to learn, and sooner would be better than later. For all of them. His youthful optimism would only serve to get them all killed if it couldn't be tempered with reality.
"There is," Balin said with a small, sad smile. Kíli perked up at that and Balin nearly felt bad for what he was about to say but he said it all the same. "We wait. And we pray that his end comes swiftly, for his sake." Kíli scoffed and looked ready to fire back but a moan from Thorin drew his attention.
"Uncle?" Kíli whispered taking one of Thorin's hands in his own. Thorin's eyes fluttered open at the touch and Balin had to close his own. He gave a small humorless laugh of disbelief at what he had seen. His cousin's eyes, usually so sharp and clear, were clouded with pain and bright with fever to the point that he knew that there was no way he would survive the night. No matter what any of them did, Thorin was going to die. His heart broke anew when he heard Kíli's happy exclamation at the same sight that had upset him so. The lad thought it was a good sign. With another sigh, Balin stood and walked away. He had no desire to bear witness to the moment when Kíli's joy would turn to anguish. Even if he was awake, there was no way Thorin would be lucid.
Kíli didn't notice the older dwarf leaving. It didn't matter to him that his uncle's eyes were unfocused, or far too bright. They were open and that's what was important.
"Uncle?" he tried again, placing his left hand on the unmarked side of his uncle's face and stroking gently with his thumb. He was shocked when his uncle hummed in his throat and leaned into the touch before pulling away abruptly with a cry.
"Uncle? Did I hurt you?" Kíli asked not understanding Thorin's reaction. The sadness in Thorin's unfocused eyes when he next opened them made Kíli feel as if someone had stabbed him.
"I don't deserve your comfort, Sister," Thorin whispered. Kíli looked at him in confusion. 'Sister?'
"It's Kíli," he managed to say, his confusion making his voice thick. Why had his uncle called him sister? He bore a shocking resemblance to his mother, but not so much that they were confusable.
"It's both of them, Dís," Thorin replied, tears filling his eyes as he tried and failed to reach for Kíli, allowing his wounded arms to fall back at his sides with a cry. "Dís . . . Dís, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I . . . they're dead, Dís. The lads. . . they're dead. And it's . . . it's all my fault."
"We're not dead," Kíli said incredulously. How could his uncle think he was dead? He was sitting right beside him! "We're fine. I'm right here, Uncle."
"No, Dís. They're dead," Thorin said, truly sobbing now. "I . . . Fíli did it. But it . . . it wasn't his fault. Don't blame him, please. He killed Kíli but only because I . . . I couldn't do it, Sister. I couldn't kill your sons. Not even to save them from torture. I was too weak. We . . . we were surrounded . . . and . . . oh, Dís! I . . . I convinced Fíli to kill his brother and take his own life. You'll never see Fíli again, not even in the afterlife. I . . . I'm so sorry. I should have found another way. I know he was your favorite. And I took him from you." The words grew more frantic, and Thorin's eyes more wild, as he spoke and it was clear that he was working himself into a frenzy.
"Hush," Kíli said, trying to think of what his mother would say as it became clear to him that his uncle was not lucid even if he was awake. Not only were they not dead, Fíli would never have agreed to kill him no matter what. The fever had clearly addled his uncle's mind and brought his emotions to the surface. And with his body already weak . . . those emotions could easily kill him. Dwalin had said that too much excitement could stop his heart. Kíli knew that he had to calm his uncle and if pretending to be his mother was the only way to get his uncle to do it, well then he'd do his best to be her.
"You aren't responsible for this, Un-Thorin," he said attempting to sound like his mother when she thought they were being foolish, even though his uncle's given name feeling wrong on his tongue. "My sons are alive. They didn't die."
"Oh, Dís," Thorin breathed, closing his eyes and shaking his head sadly. "How I wish you were right."
"I am right," Kíli replied firmly. "They live. Trust me. If they didn't would I do this?" With that, Kíli picked up the cloth once more and gently ran it over Thorin's face and neck.
"No," Thorin replied petulantly. "If they were dead you'd leave me to die. Even so, you shouldn't care for me so. Even if they are alive, which they're not, Fíli . . . " He paused and drew a shuddering breath before his eyes locked on Kíli's once more. There was a startling clarity in them even as his delusion persisted. Kíli squirmed uncomfortably under such a serious gaze, even as he knew that his mother would never squirm.
"I broke him," Thorin said simply, though tears still slid down his cheeks and colored the words. "I broke your son. Everything you ever said to me, everything I always denied. It was true, Dís. I destroyed him. And you were right, you know. He doesn't look like Frerin. Nothing about him looks like Frerin except his hair. I see that now. He . . . he looks like a perfect blend of you and Víli. I only wish I'd seen it before."
There was a pause before Thorin continued, his tone sincere and more filled with pain that Kíli had ever heard before, "I never meant to hurt him, Sister. You have to believe me."
"I do," Kíli replied, his own throat feeling tight at just how raw his uncle was being. There was no doubt in his mind that his uncle was telling the truth. He'd never meant to hurt Fíli. That didn't mean that he hadn't, but at least it hadn't been malicious.
"You're too good to me," Thorin muttered, his eyes drifting closed as his head began to lull once more, resting more heavily on Kíli's palm. "You should have done it, Dís. You should have taken the boys to the Iron Hills like you said. It would have been better. I . . . I couldn't have hurt them that way. Neither of them."
"Hush," Kíli said again, not wanting to hear any more. He'd never known that his mother had threatened to take them from their uncle and just the thought of it hurt. He couldn't imagine having grown up without Thorin there. Even the thought of it hurt. He didn't want his uncle to say another word. He couldn't stand the sorrow, regret or desperation that the words were spoken with.
"If you do see Fíli," Thoin said, his eyes opening halfway. "Tell him . . . tell him I'm sorry. For everything. And especially for never being able to make it up to him."
"You still have time," Kíli insisted, not wanting to promise, even in his mother's name, to relay messages that were best said in person.
"I don't," Thorin said, a small smile on his face. "I think . . . I think I'm dying, Dís. And they lied to us. All the tales that say pain fades. It doesn't, Sister. I feel like I'm on fire. My very bones burn. Perhaps death will be a relief."
"You're not dying!" Kíli said just barely resisting the urge to grab his uncle by the shoulders and shake him. "You can't die! I . . . I need you to live, Uncle! Fíli needs you!" Thorin blinked and then a smile split his face.
"Kíli," he breathed attempting to reach for his nephew and failing. "You did survive. I'm glad. Tell your mother . . . tell her I love her and that I'm sorry. For everything. She'll know what you mean."
"Tell her yourself," Kíli said, desperation making his voice shrill. "I . . ." His heart broke again when his uncle's face fell.
"So you're still mad at me," Thorin breathed. "I'm so sorry, Little One. Sorry this is how things have to end between us. I just hope that someday you can forgive me." Before Kíli could reply, Thorin drifted off to sleep once more. Kíli watched his uncle's shallow breathing for a moment just to be sure that he was still breathing before turning to look for Balin to see what he made of Thorin's lack of lucidity.
His white-haired cousin was nowhere to be seen, however as he looked for Balin a glint of gold in the moonlight caught his eye. Before he could more than get to his feet, there was a solid body crashing into his own and arms wrapping around him.
"Fíli," he breathed a smile on his face at his brother's exuberance, something he saw far too little of lately, despite the pain that raced up his back at the touch. He was shocked when he felt moisture on his neck and it took him a moment to realize that Fíli was crying.
Fíli knew that it was wrong for him to be crying but the sight of Kíli sitting there alive . . . it had been more than he could take. Despite all that they'd been through, despite all his mistakes Kíli was alive! He was so happy to see his brother that all thoughts of propriety temporarily left his mind and all he could do was cling to Kíli, tears streaming down his face at the feeling of his baby brother, solid, warm and alive in his arms. He couldn't believe his luck.
"Fee?" Kíli asked trying to pull away slightly to see his brother and giving up when Fíli refused to release his hold. "Are you alright?"
"You're alive," Fíli sobbed in reply, his mind refusing to process anything else for the moment. He hadn't even noticed the tears clinging to Kíli's eyelashes.
"Yes," Kíli said slowly, still trying to understand Fíli's response. He'd missed his brother too, but it almost seemed as if Fíli needed to hold him as much as he needed air. The urgency made little sense to him. Yes, they'd been in a bad situation, but it hadn't been close. Not really. Nothing had touched them.
"You're alive," Fíli repeated, a breathless laugh following the pronouncement this time as he pulled back to look at him. There were still tears in his eyes as he reached up and brushed Kíli's hair from his face, his thumb lingering on the livid cut he had left on Kíli's cheek. Without warning, he once more pulled Kíli against him and buried his face in his brother's neck.
"I'm so sorry," Fíli muttered. "I've been an idiot. I can't believe how I've been behaving." He pulled back again, placing both hands on his brother's face, the right more gingerly than the left, and staring into Kíli's brown eyes.
"Forgive me?" the eldest heir breathed, the tension in his shoulders showing that he more than half-expected Kíli to deny his request.
"Course I do," Kíli replied with a half-smile, placing his own hands on Fíli's face. "There's nothing to forgive. Besides, I've been a bigger idiot than you. You were right to be mad at me."
"It doesn't matter," Fíli promised, his voice still breathless. "We're both idiots but that doesn't change one thing; I love you, Kíli. So much. I'm sorry that it took us almost dying for me to remember it."
"I love you too," Kíli replied, still feeing confused at his brother's outpouring of emotion and beginning to be worried that Fíli might be injured. Or that the birds may have dropped him on his head. "Are you alright?" he repeated.
"I'm fine," Fíli promised, a peaceful smile on his face that the younger didn't trust at all. "I'm fine, Kee. I just . . . I finally understand. I understand everything. I . . . I need to talk to Uncle. Can we have a moment alone?" Kíli's face fell at the question and Fíli felt bad for asking, but he really didn't think that Kíli could understand and didn't feel that Thorin deserved to be torn open with an audience. He now knew just how much this conversation would hurt his uncle, even if it needed to be said.
"It'll just be a minute, Kíli," Fíli swore.
"You can't," Kíli replied, feeling his throat close up as he realized that he was going to have to tell Fíli what Balin had told him and he had come to believe to be true. He flinched slightly when Fíli pulled away from him sharply, halfway expecting a blow to follow. He hated himself for fearing his own brother.
"I'm not going to yell at him. I just . . . he and I need to talk," Fíli explained, growing a bit agitated that Kíli would dare to try to keep him from talking to his own uncle. He knew that he'd been cruel, but Kíli'd said he was forgiven, it wasn't as if Kíli could pick and choose what he would forgive.
"It's not that," Kíli said looking levelly at his brother and taking Fíli's good hand in his own. "Even if you were . . . I wouldn't try to stop you, Brother. It's just . . . Fíli, Uncle's dying."
"What? No!" Fíli spat, feeling as if the world was tipping out from under him. Thorin couldn't be dying. Not now that he finally understood and could forgive him. He couldn't die. Not without knowing the truth.
"I'm sorry," Kíli whispered, resting his forehead against Fíli's and threading his fingers through his brother's hair. "Balin and Óin . . . they say there's nothing we can do."
"There . . . there has to be something," Fíli muttered, not truly believing it himself. He felt Kíli's head shake against his own.
"There's not," Kíli breathed. "I . . . I thought there was but . . . he's not lucid, Fee. He woke a bit ago. He thought I was Mother. Whatever talk you wanted to have . . . he won't understand you. I'm sorry."
"I still want to see him," Fíli said pulling away to look at his brother. "I still . . . I'd still like to be alone with him. Please?" Kíli nodded and squeezed his shoulder before walking off to sit beside Dwalin and Balin. Once he was gone, Fíli sank to his knees beside his uncle with his head in his hands.
ooOO88OOoo
Here we are all, a new chapter. I hope you enjoyed it :) (I really need to find a new word at least for this story . . .)
mny: Yep, Bilbo does have his Took moments, doesn't he? I'm glad that you enjoy them when they pop up :) And there will be a bit more about Frerin coming up but he's rather hard to work in since no one really wants to think about it. There's a bit more about him in Scenes of Trust (the unfinished but ongoing prequel to this one) but not a whole lot. I see what I can do :)
Anybody: Oh, I'm having a great time at the moment. Talk to me this time next week and that may have change (school starts back up on Tuesday) And I don't think you were wrong at all. There were important bits in those flashbacks :) And Bilbo is precious, isn't he?Poor thing, surrounded by stubborn dwarves that won't listen or talk :/ And thank you! I do love writing Bilbo. The sass is just too much fun. This is actually my only fic that he's not a truly central character (even if he still has a role to play). And yep, the dwarves are finally starting to listen. And I loved that scene :) And Thorin really is a tragic character in this. It would be far too easy just to say that it's all his fault and he deserves whatever pain he gets but I just couldn't do it. He's had a rough life :(. And he did start out with noble ambitions. And again you've got it. So far you and Dwalin are the only ones to piece that together. Thorin hasn't even figured it out yet. If he could have given himself the time he needed to mourn his brother rather than bottling it up . . . things might have turned out different, but Thorin and Fíli are really too much alike (even if they both think that Kíli is more like Thorin). Neither of them thinks that they are worth other people's time, energy or effort. They don't even see that they're worth their own, not when there are other people that need them. And that's it! i don't think anyone in the story gets that yet (except maybe Fíli). Thorin didn't hate Fíli. He subconsciously feared what Fíli could do to him. Not on his own but through his death or other form of loss. Thorin was cold because he didn't dare to get attached to (in his mind) a second Frerin only for it to end the same or worse. That was why he pushed Fíli to better himself by always finding fault, even if Thorin never realized it. And you totally got the point :) And Dwalin did. He stepped up and tried to make up for Thorin but it really was too little too late. And yeah . . . I don't think there was another thing that could have shocked Fíli more. But for him it seems that happiness must come at a price :( And Kili has grown, we'll just have to see how much, won't we? And you don't have to thank me for responding. The way I see it, you took the time to read and respond to what I wrote and it's only common courtesy that I do the same :) 'til next time :)
Guest: Thank you so much I'm blushing I swear! I'm sorry that it wasn't exactly soon, but I hope that you enjoyed the update and continue to enjoy the story. I hope you have a lovely day as well :)
That's all for now folks. As always thank you for taking the time to read and I would love to hear what you thought :)
Stickdonkeys