Author's Note:- Sorry to leave you all hanging! Still don't own these lovely ladies, just added a few creations of my own to the mix along the way. Hope this keeps you happy! ;-)
Chapter 35The weather was almost perfect for a day to be spent decorating a home for Christmas. A light frost covered the ground and clung to trees and cars like a white blanket. Jane's breath billowed out in front of her with every step as she approached Maura's front door; her hands dug deeply into her jacket pockets searching for extra warmth but finding very little.
The next five minutes were a blur as she entered, coat and scarf being hurriedly tugged free of her lithe frame by an excitable child, before a cup of mulled wine was pushed into her cold grasp.
"Thanks." She husked with a smile, smelling the rich orange and berry scents rising from the hot beverage.
"The tree arrived this morning and it's potted ready. We've just been waiting for you." Katie said, taking hold of Jane's free hand and leading her into the lounge.
"Well it seems like I arrived in the nick of time then."
The tree was a genuine rich spruce that towered over the room. It was planted firmly in a deep crimson pot. It was the perfect shape; round and full at the bottom and rising gracefully up into a perfect point just waiting for an angel to complete the ensemble.
"You wanna help me with the decorations?"
Jane was brought out of her trance-like state by the animated voice whose owner was pulling open a box.
"Sure." She replied; getting on her knees and helping Katie remove all the ornaments that had been carefully wrapped. "These are beautiful Maura." She said simply as she revealed each of the delicate glass baubles from their protective packaging readying them for another festive viewing.
"I bought them last year but I didn't actually get round to using them." She sighed, sitting close by on the settee, nursing her own cup of mulled wine.
"How come?" The detective asked, glancing over.
"I wasn't feeling in a good place." She replied sadly, hoping that Jane would understand and get her meaning.
"Of course." She smiled gently.
"We should put the lights on first right?" Katie said, looking confused.
"Yeah we should. Do you have them here?"
"Somewhere." She replied, furrowing up her brow as she rummaged through the boxes. "Here they are." She grinned.
"I hate this part." Jane groaned.
"I have a good way of doing the lights if I may?" Maura said standing and retrieving the box from her little sister. "Katie would you grab me the small stool from the cupboard please?"
"Yep!" She said before scampering off to the hall.
Maura turned to Jane. "Thanks for coming over today. It's…well it's been awhile since we spent any proper time together."
"I know." She replied, a wave of shame cloaking her heart.
"I've missed you." She whispered, her smile hopeful of a suitable response.
"I…" She started, before her eyes caught Katie running back through. "Careful not to trip." She laughed.
Katie stuck her tongue out and grinned before setting the stool down in front of the tree. "Here you are." She said proudly.
"Thank you."
Jane put her hand lightly on Maura's forearm as she stepped up with the lights in her hand. "I've missed you too." She sighed.
The M.E.'s posture relaxed at both the words and the touch as she felt the relief wash over herself, knowing she was not alone in her feelings. She nodded knowingly at the brunette before turning her attention to the job at hand.
It took over an hour to decorate the tree, all three workers stepping back to admire the finished result before switching on the lights and bringing the magic into the room. Katie cooed and clapped and watched as her sister tweaked the odd decoration to catch more of the light, lost in creating perfection.
"It looks wonderful." Maura said eventually satisfied.
"It really does." Jane agreed, realising she had actually quite enjoyed the whole process.
"Let's do the fireplace next!" Katie said, already tugging out a long green garland from its confines.
"Let me get some fresh candles from the kitchen." Maura said, returning moments later with four long, white tapered wicks that she proceeded to slip into small glass holders that she strategically placed on the mantelpiece. "There. Now wrap the garland around them. There are some little lights twisted in place too, so be careful with those." She said, watching as Katie laid them out neatly before Jane stepped in to help with the finishing touches.
The afternoon passed by quickly and soon the chill of the Boston winter started to seep into the happy confines of Maura's home. The fire was lit, logs crackling to life helping illuminate the room along with the various white Christmas lights that adorned it. Jane dialled out for pizza insisting on paying and the contents of the boxes were quickly devoured.
"Can we watch a Christmas movie?" Katie asked, finishing off the final slice.
"Sounds good to me." Jane grinned, taking a swig of beer and looking over at Maura.
"I like The Grinch." She continued. "He's funny."
"I've not seen that one." The honey-blonde replied.
"Seriously?" The detective asked.
"Why would I say I hadn't if I had?" She answered in confusion.
Jane chuckled. "Well you're in for a treat. It's the best."
"What is it about?"
"The Grinch hates Christmas and wants to ruin it for all the Who's that live in Whoville." Katie started, jumping down from the table. "So he steals all their presents and trees and decorations and everything by sucking them up this giant hoover thing."
"Hey. Slow down, or Maura won't need to watch it at all." Jane laughed.
"Ooops!" She grinned, giggling.
"Why don't you two go through and start the film while I wash these plates?" Jane continued, gathering up the dishes.
"I can't let you do that." Maura replied.
"Course you can. Go ahead." She smiled, holding their gaze until Katie pulled her sister away and into the lounge.
Jane sighed; running the water into the bowl and watching the bubbles rise to the surface as she added the washing up liquid. Her scars ached with the cold and she couldn't suppress the moan as she plunged them into the warmth flexing her fingers to ease the pain.
"Are you ok?" Maura's soft voice drifted gently into the kitchen as she approached the sink.
"Yeah."
"Are they troubling you?" She asked, indicating to the hands below the surface of the water.
"A little. They hurt more when it's cold or wet." She replied, putting them to use as she scrubbed at the plates.
"I would be happy to massage them for you whilst we watch the film?"
Jane turned to meet her gaze, instantly drawn deeply into the hazel-green eyes that were tattooed on her soul. "I wouldn't want you to miss any of it." She breathed.
"I'm sure I will manage." She said, a wry smile dancing across her soft lips. "I'll take your beer through for you." She continued, letting her fingertips dance across the brunette's shoulder before returning to her sister.
Jane burned with the touch, her skin coming alive under her shirt as if it had waited for nothing else than that moment. She finished up and found a place waiting beside Maura on the long settee. Silently the M.E. reached out for one of her hands and captured it tenderly between her own bringing it onto her lap as she began to work the muscles between her fingers, her eyes taking in the film.
The detective rested her head back and allowed herself to be healed, re-opened after days and days of self-imposed isolation. Her eyes drifted shut as she felt those strong yet tender fingers dance up her wrists and caress them lightly, toying with her and brushing over the goosebumps she had elicited as a response.
It was only when Katie interjected with various comments and laughter that Jane managed to respond with some semblance of normality, every time though returning to Maura's soothing touch.
As the credits started to roll Jane pulled herself free, thanking Maura with a smile.
"What next?" Katie asked, looking expectantly at them both.
"Well I think it's probably bath time."
"It's too early." She whined.
Maura smiled. "How about we get you washed and into your pyjamas then maybe Jane could read a story to you?"
"Can I pick which one?"
"Sure." Jane said. "But you have to clean first as I can smell you from here." She laughed, pinching her nose and groaning.
Katie ran at her and started to tickle her. "I don't smell! You smell more than I do!"
"Really? I don't think so." She replied grabbing the little girl round the waist and lifting her up so she could spin her round.
"Arghh! Put me down!" She screamed, laughing.
"Only if you let your lovely sister but you in the bath!" She continued, twirling them both round faster.
"Ok! Ok!"
Jane put her down and took the little punch that Katie landed.
"See you later!" She grinned before running up the stairs.
Maura looked over at her detective. "Thanks. She's at that age where bathing is just a chore." She sighed.
"No problem. I don't think I grew out of that until my early teens."
"Really?" The M.E. asked, tilting her head incredulously. "Actually don't answer that." She said. "I'll be as quick as I can up there."
"No rush." Jane replied, flashing her a smile.
Maura held her eyes for several flustered heartbeats before tearing herself away upstairs.
It was about fifteen minutes later when the doorbell rang.
"Can you get that for me?" The honey-blonde shouted from the bathroom. "We're not quite done up here."
"Sure." Jane replied, unlocking the door and pulling it open.
"Oh, er hi." Emily said; looking decidedly confused as she stood on the step.
Jane bristled, shrugging off the feeling as quickly as it had arrived to ensure her demeanour remained outwardly calm. "Hi. You looking for Maura?" She asked, stepping aside.
The paramedic entered the hallway and looked around nervously. Jane observed from her manner that she had not previously been in the M.E's home, as her eyes were soaking up everything that lay in front of her.
"Yeah. We were meeting for drinks?" She responded as a question, seeming to be asking if Jane was aware of their arrangements.
"Well she's upstairs getting Katie ready for bed at the moment. You can wait through here though." She continued, closing the door.
"Who was it Jane?" Maura said breathlessly from the top of the stairs.
"Emily. She's here for drinks." She answered, trying her best to smile and mean it.
The honey-blonde muttered something under her breath and disappeared briefly before re-emerging and flashing Jane an apologetic look before brushing past her into the lounge.
"Hello. Sorry, did we have plans?" She asked clearly flustered.
"I mentioned going out tonight and you said you'd call if there was a problem. I didn't mean to interrupt though."
"I'm so sorry Emily, I can't remember. It's been a hellish week. I must have forgotten."
"You're a busy lady. Really it's not a problem."
Jane stood back watching the awkward exchange and forcing her mind into 'work mode' so she could unbiasely assess the relationship on display. She couldn't stop her fingers picking at her scars though, a conscious reminder that she barely had control of her emotions.
"I should have called to confirm." Emily continued.
"You go. I'll mind Katie." Jane said, seemingly from nowhere, her words a shock to everyone in the room including herself.
"No, no. I'm the one in the way here. I'll leave you guys to it." Emily said to the detective.
"Listen, it's fine. I'm on story duty anyway. You'll both have a great time." She replied with a soft smile, moving out into the hall.
"No Jane." Maura countered.
"Catch you later. Take care Emily."
"You too." The EMT replied.
Half way up the stairs she felt her arm being tugged back. "Jane?" Maura hissed. "What's going on?"
"Nothing. You had plans and it's fine. I'm quite happy here."
"You're not the babysitter. And WE had plans, not myself and Emily. I have no idea what I've done with my diary."
Jane chuckled. "Whatever has happened doesn't matter. Your friend is here and it's just a couple of drinks right? So I'll read Katie a few stories and you'll be back for a nightcap."
"I'm not even dressed for an evening out." She sighed.
"Maura, you're always dressed for a night out! You look incredible. Now go."
Jane moved out of her reach before heading for the bathroom. She knocked once. "Katie? You ok in there?"
The door opened and a fresh smelling, pyjama glad girl stepped onto the landing. "I'm ready. I've chosen my story." She said taking the detective's hand in her own and leading her towards Maura's room.
"Are you sleeping in here?" Jane asked, looking round the familiar room; her mind flashing back to the time she had spent there.
"Yep. I got permission." She replied, throwing herself onto the large bed and crawling up to the pillows, before slipping under the duvet and grabbing her book. "You coming?"
Jane chuckled as she headed over and sat beside Katie, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.
"Who's downstairs?" She asked, as she opened up the book.
"Emily. She's a friend of your sisters."
"I don't know her."
"Well she's a new friend."
"Oh." There was the briefest of pauses. "But she's not like you?" Katie said gazing up at her.
"What do you mean sweetheart?" Jane asked gently.
"You're best friends." She smiled.
"I guess we are." She sighed feeling the young girl settle in against her side.
"I know that because Maura told me."
"She did?"
"Uh huh. She said she loved you and that she hoped you loved her too, and I said I knew you did because you smile at her all the time. Will you read to me now?"
Jane took a few moments to respond to the question and begin to narrate the tale aloud, but her mind was swimming with the innocent words spoken by an equally innocent girl.
Maura had shut the door quietly after letting Emily out with another whispered apology. Unsure as to her reasons she had silently made her way upstairs and had positioned herself outside the door to her room. She caught the last part of the conversation and sighed at the naïve honesty of youth.
"Jane?" Katie said.
"Yes?"
"Are you coming for Christmas dinner?"
"What made you ask that?"
"The foxes are having a meal together." She replied, pointing to the illustration on the page.
"So they are."
"They're a family."
"Yes. There's Daddy fox and Mommy fox and the three little children as well as Grandpa and Grandma fox." Jane said, indicating each member of the animal clan.
"That one's me." She grinned, pressing her finger against the fox standing on his chair with a party hat on.
"He's certainly as cheeky as you." Jane said tickling her to elicit laughter.
"That one is Maura because she is in a dress."
"She is." Jane said fondly, suddenly missing the honey-blonde and wishing she had not given her, her blessing to leave with Emily.
"And that fox is you because you're holding her hand."
Jane stared at the picture and noted the happy expression on the face of her illustrated counterpart. She looked content to be gazing at the pretty companion beside her. Her fingertip glided over the image, circling over the paper.
"So you're coming to dinner?" Katie asked again.
"I imagine you'll be spending it with your Mom and Pop and Maura, and my Ma would be really sad if I didn't spend Christmas with her."
"She could come too." She replied looking expectantly up at the brunette.
"Let's finish the story and see what happens." She sighed feeling the undeniable tug in her chest.
Maura pressed her hand to her heart as a tear crept down her cheek. Christmas had been a time she had looked forward to each year for as long as she could remember. Every time the season dawned however and the twenty-fifth arrived she was always left wanting. Not for gifts or for luxuries, but for love and companionship. As the gift-wrap was gathered up so were her hopes for a happy yuletide. She kept the belief that eventually Santa Claus would deliver on her one wish, a friend. When she stopped believing in the fiction of Christmas her desire became no less prevalent it just developed into another word. Love. This year, more than any other, she yearned for it; longed for the woman sat metres from her. It may as well have been the Atlantic Ocean keeping Jane from Maura and she loathed the distance.
She listened to Jane continue the story until she could no longer bear it and retreated to the comfort of her kitchen. She poured herself an expensive Cabernet Sauvignon before ensconcing herself on the settee in the glow of the Christmas lights and the roaring fire. Her gaze fell on the small wooden unit in the corner of the room and what it held. Sighing she walked over and opened the drawer retrieving an envelope and returning to her comfortable spot. Her index finger brushed over the inked name as she closed her eyes reconciling her heart and her mind with the decision she had made.
"Jesus Maura! You scared the shit outta me!" Jane husked as she came downstairs and saw the M.E. "I thought you'd left?"
"I would not have done that however determined you were for me to."
"I just didn't want you to miss out."
Maura stood up and walked towards the detective the envelope in her hand. "I would have missed out if I had left."
Jane nodded, her gaze finding the white paper; her curiosity peeked. Before she could ask though the honey-blonde handed it over, her name clearly written by hand on the front. "What's this?" She said, her fingers beginning to open the seal.
Maura's hand reached her own, holding it still. "It's late. I've had a perfect day. Thank you." She said, smiling softly. "Open it when you get home."
"Okay." Jane replied, clearly confused but acknowledging her request. "Thanks for asking me over."
The two women went out into the hall and the brunette retrieved her coat and scarf slipping into them ready to greet the winter night that lay in wait for her. The envelope was burning in her hand.
Maura opened the door, stopping Jane with a light grip to her wrist. "You asked what it is?"
"Yes." She replied, her eyes locking on to the hazel-green orbs that had never looked so vulnerable or open.
"It's everything I have Jane." She stated simply before leaning in and placing the softest kiss to the detective's cheek.
…..
Jane had felt frozen to the spot not understanding or appreciating the moment she was in until she had sat on her bed at home and opened the envelope. It contained a letter and a CD. On the front in permanent ink Maura had written 'listen then read'.
She slid the disk into her player and did what she had been instructed. She closed her eyes and let the song speak.
You keep tryin' to get inside my head, I'm strong enough; I've always told myself Everything you want, but its everything you need. Oh no, my walls are gonna break. Oh no, my walls are gonna break. You're not safe
While I keep trying to lose the words you said.
Can't you see I'm hangin' by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break.
So close, it's more than I can take.
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe.
You're not safe.
I never want to need somebody else.
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin' that guard here's your chance at my heart and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break.
So close, it's more than I can take.
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't…
It's not always happy endings but it's happy in between.
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk.
Oh no, my walls are gonna break.
So close, it's more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe /
So close, it's more than I can take.
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe.
And that's okay.
As the song came to the end Jane realised her cheeks were wet, her hands trembling with the letter that was still in her grasp. Wiping her face on the back of her sleeve she opened up the paper and was met with the elegant handwriting of the M.E.
My Dearest Jane,
I don't know if you remember the day we took Katie to the cinema. It rained so heavily and you ran to the restaurant together laughing, so carefree and beautiful. You caught hold of me and asked me if I had slipped. I told you I had fallen. It wasn't a lie. I had, but I had fallen for you. It was the moment I realised that I was no longer falling in love with you. I'd lost the fight. I'm not certain I ever fought, because it's only ever been you since the very beginning. I have thought of nothing else except how wonderful my life could be if you allowed me to be part of yours.
We have been in similar places and I know you have feelings for me you are fighting. You are a self-preservator. I admire the quality as I used to consider myself to be the same. Until you. Until I allowed myself to understand that in order to have all the things I have longed for I would have to make difficult choices. I would have to make changes for myself, for others in order to attain something I never believed possible for myself; happiness and love.
The song spoke to me because it is about fear. My fear of letting someone be close enough to hurt me. That decision is not mine however, because I see now that love just is. It strikes and it doesn't feel safe. You can't control it with logic or science. I know you aren't safe, as you have given me nothing to hold onto to. We both have walls but mine are down for you. You can walk right in and I promise you that if you let me I will love you with my entire being. Your heart will be safe in my hands. If you fall for me I will catch you. Let me make you happy.
I give you this letter with no condition. It is my truth and from here on in I will spend everyday treating you the way you deserve to be, with unconditional love and trust. I will woo you Jane because even if you don't see it, you are special to me.
Yours, Maura. X
Jane read the letter over and over until her heart ached and her mind was full of everything she so desperately needed to hear regardless of her own crippling fear. She sobbed against the bedding, staring through tear stained eyes at the letter as Joe Friday snuggled in against her stomach and whimpered sadly.
As the snow started to flutter down over the city of Boston that night, Maura smiled into the darkness, for out there, under the same sky laid the woman that could finally fulfil her Christmas wish.
The song used was 'Safe' by Britt Nicole.