36 – Christian

When I fell it was like everything was in slow-motion. It had been fast enough though, for me to be unable to do something to stop myself from falling on my butt. The feeling of failure was terrible, when I felt my body crashing against the floor, I wanted to just lay there for the rest of my life so I wouldn't have to face anyone. In the moment I fell I was so surprised that I had no initial reaction, I had no chance to disguise it, or to control it, and make it a less embarrassing fall, so I just fell, thankfully on my butt, no on my face.

There were some ohs and ahs in the audience at the moment. I could feel those pity eyes on me, while I managed to take all the strength I had left to bring my head up and finish my performance. When my song was over I took one last look at the judges before leaving the stage, I could see it, I could see them calculating how many points I would lose for that fall, but by the disappointed look on their faces I started to ask myself if they would give me any points at all.

I couldn't say it was all because of the argument Sammy and his Dad had, I couldn't say it was his fault, I couldn't pretend I had screwed my performance only because I was worried about him. The real thing was probably what that argument made me feel. It brought back some memories I wasn't longing to have again.

To see Sammy's father yelling at him, and see them telling each other how many times they had been disappointed over the other decisions and actions, reminded me of me and my father, and the arguments I had not necessarily with him, but mostly with myself about him, those were the worst. Why he had left me and my Mom? Weren't we good enough for him? I even remembered how the whole thing with him caused trouble between me and Tara, and I tried to focus on good memories, but there were few of them, and they all have been getting lost, since he is just making the same mistakes again. Making me promises he is not planning to keep. And after his last call last night…

As I walked backstage Tara was there waiting for me, she obviously didn't know how to react, she just gave me a hug, she didn't say anything, and that was probably the best decision she could have made in that moment.

I think we stood there holding one another for a while, it was weird how incredibly perfect we fitted each other, how right it seemed to be with her. She somehow made me feel so much better than I thought I would be after that train wreck I called performance.

We only let go when we saw Sammy walking angrily across us and into the stage, his name had just been called, Abigail was following him, she still seemed really worried.

- What happened? – I asked her – Where did you find him?

- I didn't. I was coming back here to see if he had appeared and I saw Sammy walking to the backstage too. I tried to stop him, and talk to him and he just ignored me and said he couldn't talk now. I think he heard his one minute call, and ran to make his performance.

- Is his Dad still here? – Tara asked, but Abigail couldn't answer.

The three of us walked closer to the aisle as Sammy started dancing. I saw a man arriving in the audience; it was his father; that was for sure. My eyes went back to Sammy, as he started nailing all his moves. He was inspired or something, he had chosen such a strong song, and I remember hearing Miss. Raine giving him the same note multiple times, about being confident and letting the emotion take over him. She told him that if he wanted to dance a song about hurt, disappointment, about overcoming expectations, he would have to feel all of that and let it show. He had certainly achieved that. His moves were secure and strong, and they were all fluid like he was dancing with no choreography, just making all of them up right in that moment.

When he finished there was a moment of silence in the audience, everybody was shocked, and had no reaction at first. Until this one man, in his elegant suit, got up from his seat and started clapping. He looked like he was crying. Yes, definitely, Sammy's Dad was crying. After that the whole audience cheered. Sammy got a standing ovation and then, finally, after his serious, yet strong performance I could see the smile on Sammy's face, as he walked towards us on backstage.

- You killed it dude! – I said giving him a hug.

- You almost killed us too. – Abigail said clearly trying to sound angry, but she was so obviously proud of him, she just sounded completely happy – You disappeared.

- My Dad and I… Long story. But I had to do a good job this time.

- He was there! – Tara said – He seemed so proud of you – She hugged him too.

- We are all proud of you! You did amazing! – Abigail said, and Sammy pecked her lips.

- I'm sorry I made you guys worried. – He said a little embarrassed.

- It's okay. – I said.

- No, it is not! - Miss. Raine appeared from behind Sammy, angry burning eyes – Excuse me students, I need to have a private conversation with Samuel.

That was our cue. We left them talking, Abigail just decided to wait for them to finish, but me and Tara left the backstage, walking outside for a while.

- So good to see the sun, to breath fresh air, and don't have to deal with crying ballerinas. – Tara said smiling, holding my hand.

- Yeah. – I just agreed, I realized how sad my voice sounded.

My tone made Tara's smile disappear in her face, she looked at me worried and stopped walking.

- What is wrong? – She asked softly.

- Didn't you see that, I fell.

- Christian, I understand that you are disappointed, but you can't over think this. What is done, is done, and now it is up to the judges, there is nothing we can do anymore.

- It doesn't even sound like you talking. – I tried to smile.

- I know, it is just, I don't know. After yesterday something changed, I feel like the first time I don't have to worry about controlling everything, and everyone.

- I know, I saw it. This was the first time I saw you dancing like that, completely free, not trying to be only technically perfect.

- I have you to thank for that. – She pecked my lips shyly – But I am worried with you. I didn't except that fall to have this effect with you. You said it yourself once, that you didn't even know if you wanted to enter the Company or follow a dance carrier.

- I know. But this… This really meant a lot to me, I really needed to do well, and I couldn't – I stopped for a few second avoiding Tara's look, I knew that if she looked at me in the eye she would notice there was more than that, but since we were silent for a few seconds I decided to just tell her – And…

- And… - Tara raised one eyebrow.

- There is my father.

- What did he do? – She seemed confused – I thought you said you and him were doing better.

- We are or… Were. I don't really know. I thought I knew him, and I thought he had changed but now I just don't know if I can believe him.

- Why?

- He promised me he would stay, and this summer we would spent together, he said he wanted me to know him, and he wanted me to trust him again, he said he wanted to win back the time he had missed.

- But what is wrong about that? – She was almost whispering, her voice was completely comforting.

- Nothing, but it is not going to happen. – I looked aside and took a seat in a bench nearby, letting go of Tara's hand. She followed me.

- Why not? Don't you want to spend your summer with him?

- I do, the problem isn't me not wanting to be with him; the problem is that he is backing out. – She looked at me confused – He is leaving… Again.

Tara had a shocked look, her jaw dropped and she seemed frozen for a few second, like she was afraid of saying anything, I wouldn't blame her.

- I'm… I'm sorry. – She whispered.

- Don't be. I should be used to that by now, right? – I could feel anger growing inside of me.

- When did this happen? When did he tell you?

- Yesterday. After we had dinner, I was at my room and he called me. He freaking called me. All this years, and now that we were finally getting along, and he can't even say to my face he is leaving! A stupid call, is it all I get? Don't I deserve better? – I was about to get up but she held strongly to my hands keeping me in my sit.

- Hey, look at me! – She held my shoulders and looked straight to my eyes, her look was determinate, but her voice was really calm – Yes, you do deserve better than that. Your father, he just got you back and he might be scared too, Christian, but that is not an excuse, I agree with you. You can't let this shake you so much thought. I know I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but you know I will be here, for you, whenever you need me. So, just tell me how to help you.

I looked at her, amazed to realize how Tara had grown since we met, and how much I did too. I think we went through so much together that at this point, no matter what we will always have something especial, this need to be there for each other.

- You want to know how to help me… - I gave her a soft kiss – But you already have - I was about to kiss her again, when I heard someone yelling towards us.

- Hey, lovers, yes I'm talking to you – I turned my head to see Sammy running to us, holding Abigail's hand, Ben and Kat were following them – Guess who is staying in the Academy next year? – He said smiling from ear to ear.

- That is awesome dude! – I said smiling too, truly happy for him.

- Come one guys, you can be in love later – Kat said as soon as she reached us, she was probably cracking up about some of Ben's jokes – Miss. Raine is calling you, in a few minutes they will announce the winners.

And with that, we all went back into the theater, the time had come.