I Need My Girl by The National

"You sure you don't want a ride back home?" Reiner had come all the way from his house to offer to drive her home. It felt like he was going a bit too out of his way.

"You have your driver's license?" I asked, glancing back at the red mustang.

Reiner gave a grin, crossing his arms.

"Not exactly but who's going to know?"

I shook my head, smiling.

"I can wait-"

"Yeah, at least ride with someone responsible," Ymir chimed in, waltzing over and wrapping an arm around me. She was always hugging me in front of others. It was silly of her to do that. When we were alone she didn't do it as often. She'd just put distance between us.

Maybe it was just another aspect of her mask- to make us seem closer than I actually felt we were.

Reiner frowned. He didn't even see Ymir come from the gardens despite the whole academy being lit as if it was day.

"Oh, I didn't realize you had a ride home?"

I shrugged Ymir's arm off, stepping away a bit. The two of them looked at me funny.

Were they trying to one-up each other?

All for my attention… that was stupid of them.

They should already know I was lucky to be friends with either of them and that I should be the one begging to always hang with them.

"I do. I texted Pixis." I brought my phone out and showed them.

Reiner nodded, seemingly pleased with the idea, but Ymir sighed, scratching the back of her neck while clicking her tongue.

It made me feel bad the both of them were offering, but I didn't want to choose between them. I'd hurt one of them if I did. It was better to just go with Pixis.

"Hm. Well, I'm glad you got a ride. I'm going to head back home," Reiner thumbed towards his vehicle. He was closing the distance to either get a hug or kiss but Ymir's glare made him realize she'd just block him again.

"I will see you later," I went to him instead and gave him a hug, pulling away before he could try to sneak a kiss on my cheek.

"Later," he winked, grinning, and left with that.

Ymir didn't leave, though. She just lingered by me, arms crossed, and unhappy.

She didn't even wait for Reiner to get into his car to speak up.

"Why're you with him again?"

"Huh?"

"Shouldn't a girlfriend go with her boyfriend any chance they get, you know? Kiss and dates and shit?" She was saying it as if to look out for me but her words were on edge.

I knew she disliked Reiner. A lot.

But, I felt it was unfair to try and pit me against him.

"You hang out with me more than him- what's up with that, huh?"

What was she trying to say?

Why was she getting mad at me for choosing to be with my friends more?

"I don't know-"

"Do you even like him, or are you using him?" Ymir gritted as Reiner already drove away.

"Wh-Ymir, why would-"

"You're using him, huh? To try and look like a good girl- pretty, popular girl with popular jock?" She laughed, easing up but it still felt like she had a knife to my throat. My words were choking up in my throat.

"What is it, Historia? Or is it Krista? Who are you anyways- Krista or Historia? What do you want to be?"

What did I want to be-

"You have whatever second life you do with me- you're laughing and you're smacking me when you'd never lay a hand on another person or that shit. But when you're around others? You shy from me, you only politely smile, and you don't say much? Huh? What is it then?"

"Y-Ymir, stop."

Ymir opened her mouth but bit back any other words.

She snorted, looking away from me- golden eyes golden and orange like the autumn leaves.

"Listen," she exhaled, tired, "if you're going to be playing mind games at least make it fucking plausible."

She left me unable to speak up or even comprehend how to respond.

I could only watch her get into her car and peel out of the parking lot and leaving.

Why…

Why did she yell at me?

Did I do something wrong to her?

I felt like glass with a gaping hole in it, cracking. I felt vulnerable and as if nothing I had within me was safe or good enough.

My intentions and thoughts felt transparent. She had read every fear I had, every question about myself, and the things that plagued me at night.

My hand went to my thigh, listening, quiet, and then digging my nails in my thigh. I could feel the burning pain radiate from my skin as I pinched, dragging along the skin till I could feel the cold air set it aflame like a sunburn.

I deserved this.

I deserved to be hurt because I was a bad person and someone terrible.

Ymir was right.

What was I doing?

She… what was she doing with me if I was so terrible?

Why would she be around me?

A whistle came from behind me and I shot my hand up to my chest, frightened.

Hitch grinned, sauntering over from the gardens.

Wait.

Was she there the whole time?

...Ymir came from that direction…

My mind went blank.

"Wow," she drawled, whistling again, "she really tore into you, didn't she?"

I couldn't handle Ymir's confrontation alone.

I wouldn't- I glanced behind me, hoping Pixis would be pulling into the pick-up lane, but I knew he wouldn't be here for quite some time.

"How did that make you feel-shitty?" Hitch giggled, putting a hand over her mouth, watching me closely.

I was already transparent- her critical stare could see right through me, tear me open until she'd choke me on my own intestines.

I felt like I was choking already.

"You couldn't even speak up-she just bulldozed you over." She smirked.

"It must feel shitty, huh- for your dear friend to fuck you over like that?"

Hitch was only a foot away from me, staring down at me, waiting for a response.

"Why do you think she said that, huh? What do you think her motives were? I feel like it wasn't exactly all about being cute friends, was it?"

I didn't understand.

Was Ymir mad at me and not telling me?

What did Hitch know?

Motives?

...was Ymir using me?

I felt myself tremble.

Everyone used me in some way- Armin used me for his own plans, mother used me for her business, grandmother used me to make herself look good, and now Ymir… she'd- she'd-

"I-I-I don't know," I felt my knees wobble, threatening to break down into a sprint.

Anywhere than here.

Anywhere.

I needed to run and hide.

Nobody could see me.

I was wrong- bad. I wasn't the perfect little girl I was told to be- I wasn't pretty and quiet like I should be. I was being difficult and a mess and nobody would want that.

"I-I'm sorry," I sobbed, hands gripping the edge of my skirt, "f-f-for whatever I did."

I must've made Hitch upset and disgusted because I was being difficult and terrible. I felt bad she had to witness and deal with me like this. It was all my fault.

Hitch stepped back.

Her eyes wide and then her frowning.

"J-Jesus," she squeaked, "I-fuck, okay, let's, uh, sit down, huh?"

I didn't know why she was surprised. I just nodded because I didn't deserve to say no.

She led me to the gardens, sitting me down on a bench that was too warm.

"Are you cold?" She asked because I was shaking. Badly.

My whole hands were jittery, clinging to whatever fabric I could to try and stop them.

I looked like a freak- a disgusting freak that nobody deserved to take care of. I was being a burden.

So much so that Hitch, out of everyone, had the chore to take care of.

What a fucking waste I was.

"Here," she spoke up and I looked up to see her taking off her coat, handing it over with a deep frown, eyes on the ground.

I couldn't will my hands to take it.

Instead, she lifted it over my own school coat, wrapping it around me.

Why was she being nice?

I watched her lean back, crossing her arms and looking away with pink cheeks.

"Jesus Christ," she kept whispering.

"I-I-I'm sorry." I said again because she couldn't even look at me.

She was probably annoyed and tired already.

She shot me a glare.

"K-Knock it off!"

"I-I'm sorry." I was still being terrible even though I had good intentions.

"Hey, what I say!? Knock it off with the apologizing! You have nothing to apologize for!"

Despite being broken and shitty, I knew to keep my mouth shut. I wouldn't tell her anything of the demons and past that kept flashing through my head.

"Look, you shouldn't be the one to say sorry. I was being a bitch and I knew what Ymir said hurt and I was just-" she stopped, sighing and bringing her hands up, rubbing her face.

She was being what?

I didn't understand.

I doubt I could ever understand anyone, because I was a self-entitled, spoiled fucking piece of-

"I'm sorry." She groaned.

"I-God, I'm such a bitch."

I stopped thinking for only a second to look at her.

She apologized?

I thought I deserved what she was telling me. She wouldn't have said it if I didn't deserve it somehow-

"I...I'm just jealous, alright? Stupidly hella jealous." Hitch admitted, staring off at the barren trees.

Why?

She only gave me a glance and gritted, nearly bristling.

"Ymir is always all over you, and, well, she fucking shouldn't be."

Was Hitch mad because we were friends?

"She should be wanting me more."

I could see why Hitch would think that- Hitch was really smart, funny, and while everyone acted like she was terrible to be around everyone always invited her and laughed at her jokes. She was the center of attention and friends with everyone. She was known to be laidback and cool.

And I… what did I even have going for me?

Nothing.

"S-sh-sh-"

"Hey, I'm not finished," Hitch put a hand up and then winced.

"...sorry...um, let me continue...please." She rephrased.

She paused, quiet, thinking, and then continuing after what seemed like a moment of resolve came over her face.

"Ymir should be all over me because we've been seeing each other."

I knew that. Though, I didn't like to think of it.

"I even let her touch my boobs!"

Something hot went over my face. My skin felt like cold, wet clothes sticking to my inside, making me feel nauseous and upset.

"I bring her out on dates and she brings me there-but, you know what, Historia? When you call she fucking just up and leaves me. If you ask to do something as stupid as do homework she'll drop me right on my bare ass to go see you. She could be half way up my shirt, all hot and shit, and just drop me, and it's fucking ridiculous! What do you guys even do, huh?"

Oh.

She was jealous… because Ymir would leave her to hang out with me.

It made me feel awful, upset.

"I-I'm so-"

"No. Enough. Now, tell me what you two do? Do you guys...mess around?" She asked, words biting in.

"N-No!" My face went red.

Ymir's hands up my shirt- God.

No.

Thinking of it was… too much.

"W-We study...and stuff."

"Stuff? Does she take you out, too? Have you ever gone to her house?"

"N-No?"

We were good friends but Ymir didn't like being at her own house. They never really went anywhere except to the mall to meet Ilse and Sasha.

"Hm." Hitch's eyes narrowed and she glared at me for a long time before easing up.

"Alright, fine, so she just likes being around you." She whispered.

It sounded lonely.

Sad.

I didn't understand it myself, but I knew what loneliness was.

Vulnerability.

And it didn't suit Hitch. She was above that.

"I-I can try to hang out less…"

"What? No." She shot but there was no fire or anger. Her eyes were downcast and sad.

It didn't look like Hitch. She never had weaknesses until now.

"I-I want to help-" I could see it.

Hitch really liked Ymir.

More than friends sort of way.

I didn't want to get between even if the idea of them as a couple hurt me.

I wanted Hitch happy, because Ymir would be happy then.

"No… it doesn't matter either way." Hitch sighed, rubbing her eyes and standing up. She seemed like she gave up.

I didn't want her hopes to break.

"I really can!"

And she was startled for a moment but she laughed. It echoed against the garden walls and trees, desperate and sad for some return.

She kept erupting into giggles, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Oh.

I stopped crying.

When did that happen?

"You really are sweet." Hitch admitted.

"No wonder." She murmured, smiling at me- it was such a nice smile.

She cleared her throat, not giving me time to respond.

"Perhaps if things were different, I'd have taken you up on that offer."

What did that mean?

"But, even if I did, it won't mean anything."

What was going on?

"H-Hitch?"

I felt something bubbling in my stomach.

"My family is moving by the end of the month. So...yeah."

Moving?

Why would they move?

What about Ymir? She'd be hurt that Hitch left.

They were good… they were good somethings.

"I-I'm sorry."

She smiled again, shaking her head.

"You're too good."

I never thought I was too good.

It was the first time someone ever sat with me during my anxiety attacks.

The first time someone said I was a good person.

A/N:

Poor Hitch. Tried to be a mean girl but couldn't hide that she was just a person.