Chapter 35: Can't Take It Back

Elphaba refused to talk about Dr. Dillamond, and Fiyero wouldn't push her. He did worry that she was hiding her feelings, but he thought pressing the issue might only draw her into herself. Fiyero would wait her out. If she needed to talk, she knew he was there.

"Galinda is still acting strange." Elphaba muttered one afternoon.

He propped his head up on his hand. "Ama Clutch may not be dead, Elphaba, but her mind is. And she's mourning that."

She shook her head. "No, Fiyero. It's not just mourning. It's… it's almost like guilt. But I don't know why."

"Maybe because she sent Ama Clutch out to get things?"

"That'd be silly."

"Just like you blaming yourself and thinking you deserved what was done to you when you were on the streets?" Fiyero replied, giving her a look. "Sometimes guilt doesn't make sense, Fae."

She shifted a little, nudging the sheets over her body as though she was suddenly ashamed. Every time that came up, she hid herself in some way or another. It drove him crazy to think that she felt she needed to hide from him when he loved her so. He reached over and kissed her neck. Elphaba curled against him. "You don't make any sense, either," she decided.

He laughed. "How is that?"

"Loving me." She flushed. "I'm not saying you're too good for me. I know you hate that. But sometimes I think about how different we are at times. You're optimistic and sweet. I'm pessimistic and caustic. You're a prince. I lived on the streets for years. You love histories and literature. I love sciences and math."

"We both love learning. We both love each other. I like to think you balance me. We don't need to have everything in common."

She sighed and rolled over. "I love you."

"What is your new Ama like? And that girl, what's her name?"

Elphaba frowned. "Her name is Nessarose. The old woman – and when I say old, I mean ancient – insists that we all call her Nanny. Nessarose is very stern and serious. She practically lives at the Church of the Unnamed God. I get the feeling that Nanny isn't as, uh, fanatic about religion as Nessarose. But she takes good care of the girl. I think she knows I come over here, and sometimes I think she knows why. She gives me this look when I leave, cackles and tells me to 'be careful.'" She shrugged. "It doesn't bother me much. I wish we didn't need supervision at all."

"When we're out of here, we won't. You can spend every night in my room."

She looked at him. "Fiyero, that's not for more than another year."

"So? The idea of you in my bed every night gives me something to look forward to." He twirled her hair around his fingers. "Unless you're trying to tell me you don't want this to continue after Shiz."

"I just meant that it's quite some time from now." She wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I love you now and I'll love you then."

"Fiyero, we've both been involved with people before. Not everything lasts."

"We are different." He insisted.

"I don't think your brother will see it that way," she pointed out.

"My brother can mind his own business. Whatever happens between us happens, no matter how he feels about it. If I want to marry you, then I will."

She stiffened. "Marry?"

He'd gone too far. They both knew it. Fiyero bit his lip. "I just… I mean, eventually, maybe one day…" Now it was he who couldn't look at her. "Forget I said that."

"That's probably a good idea."

But he'd said it. There was no taking it back. He didn't want to take it back, of course. Yes, sooner or later, he did intend to marry her. He had to be married within two years, anyway, and he didn't think there'd ever be anyone like her. The way he felt about her could never be comparable to anything else. Maybe she wasn't the type to be a princess, but that didn't matter to him. He owed nothing to his people; he was not their king.

Yet Elphaba had clearly become uneasy at the mention of marriage. Was it only because it was too soon? Or was it because she didn't love him the way he loved her? He didn't think that could be, though. The way she looked at him, the passion in her gaze was equal to his. Perhaps she still had doubts that she was worth it. Maybe she could handle the idea of them dating, but marriage meant she really did have to be right for him, and she didn't have the confidence for that. That would change, wouldn't it?

Fiyero met Nessarose and Nanny later the next week when he came to get Elphaba for dinner one night. She tried to rush him out the door, but the old woman must've heard the door open, for she emerged from the room she shared with Nessarose. "Ah, the young man our Miss Elphaba is always visiting. I was starting to wonder if you were real."

Elphaba groaned. "We were just leaving, Nanny. I promise to be back by curfew."

"I'd like to meet this mysterious young man." A high-pitched voice came from the room Nanny had just exited.

Nanny shuffled back into the room and returned wheeling a chair. Fiyero had expected the chair, but not the girl. She had no arms. Elphaba had never told him what her disability was, only that she had one. She'd mentioned the wheelchair. He'd thought it meant her legs didn't work. It hadn't occurred to him that she couldn't walk because she struggled to balance without arms. She was a pretty girl, long brown hair with a stern jaw.

"You must be Prince Fiyero."

"Nessarose, I've told you. No one addresses him that way. He doesn't like it." Elphaba sighed.

"It's his title and I will use it."

"Maybe you two should spend more time here, where I can keep an eye on you. Or do you follow the rules and keep the door unlocked when she's visiting you?" Nanny folded her arms across her chest.

Fiyero gulped. They'd managed to get away with keeping the door locked. No one really noticed Elphaba coming and going from his room and they were both relatively quiet about things. Her noises were soft, and meant for his ears only. He enjoyed how private things were between them.

"We follow the rules, Nanny. Fiyero is very respectful." Elphaba stared straight at the old woman, not faltering in her lie. She slipped her hand into his. "That's part of why I care for him."

Galinda gave them both a knowing grin, but bit it back. "They usually stay over there, Nanny, because they don't want to bother me. I like being alone."

Fiyero decided that if one more outlandish lie was told, he'd crack. "Fae, we should go. I wouldn't want to keep you out late."

She looked at him, and he could see the thought of trouble sparkling in her eyes. "Yes, my sweet, that's a good idea."

"They're an interesting set of people," Fiyero commented as they left the building.

"I'll say!"

"You lied. So did Galinda."

"Oh, it was harmless. It was more for Nessarose's sake than for Nanny's, actually. I didn't want to hear a sermon about fornication."

"Really? She talks about those things?"

Elphaba crinkled her nose and mocked, "It's ungodly, Miss Elphaba. I do hope you know better than to let a man touch you in a sinful way."

Fiyero couldn't help but wonder if that comment had also brought to Elphaba's mind a different type of touch – one she'd allowed, but just barely. Did it make her feel even worse about where she'd been? Or was her aversion to religion able to shield her from that part of the guilt? "I suppose it depends on what god or gods you worship, if any."

"Her father was a minister."

"That explains a lot."

"The old woman made a comment once, though. I have a feeling the mother wasn't too, um, chaste. But the mother has been dead for years. Of course, I never knew mine, so… she still had it better than I did. Not that it takes much."