A/N: Finally!
Disclaimer: I don't own CM or The Heroin Diaries
Tomorrow - By Sixx:A.M.
Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye
Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know
Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.
Chapter 37: Tomorrow
The team scrambled out of the vehicles in front of a rundown apartment building. The sign on the roof read, 'Per ia '. Where the missing letters had disappeared to was anyone's guess. The snow was still lightly falling but was no longer melting as it hit the ground. Now there was a thin layer that crunched under their shoes as they stepped up to the main doors.
Morgan checked the handles and noticed they were chained and bolted shut. He wiped at the dirty window with his arm and peered inside. "Looks like there's two apartments per floor, but there's no way anyone's been living here."
"If our hunch is correct," Hotch said, "he should be in the basement."
"There are no stairs leading down there." Morgan said, still looking in the window.
"Maybe the basement is accessed another way?" Prentiss offered.
Gideon nodded, "Private doors, probably on the sides."
Prentiss walked to the left while Morgan stepped away from the window and jogged right. He noticed a small set of stairs only about three steps down to a door which was padlocked shut. "It's locked on this side!" he called out jogging back the way he came as everyone turned to where Prentiss had gone.
Her voice called back to them, "This one's open!" She picked up her pace, running down the stairs as everyone followed her lead. She pushed the door further open, widening it from a small crack till it creaked completely open. They gathered in the doorway, trying to let their eyes adjust to the darkness. There was no light now; not a candle or lamp in sight. The only way to see into the small room was the light streaming in from the doorway, but even it wasn't much at this time of day. They could see bits and pieces of furniture in the room, and as they slowly made their way forward, holding their breath, the corner of the bed came into sight.
It was JJ who noticed the form on top of the bed first, recognising him immediately. "He's here." she whispered, but she didn't move forward, instead letting Gideon get passed her to crouch next to the bed.
"Reid… Spencer…" he whispered, reaching out a hand to touch his cheek. He stopped himself from pulling away at the touch; the only comfort was Reid's warm breath on his hand. "He's cold." he said, more to himself than to anyone else.
"It's freezing in here." Prentiss said. "And the door was open a crack, and it's snowing outside. I don't think this place has any heat."
As Hotch's eyes adjusted he noticed the burned down candles and the oil lamp. "No heat, and no electricity, probably no running water either. We were right about that." he said, referring to their initial assessment of where Reid had gone.
"Spencer," Gideon whispered again and everyone turned their attention back to him and Reid. Gideon looked down to the floor to make sure the area was clear and he could safely drop his knees. He noticed the discarded empty phial and needle and it took him a moment to swallow the lump in his throat and push them carefully aside so he could kneel. "Spencer, wake up and look at me." Gideon said his voice unusually calm as he brush hair off Reid's face and patted his cheek to get his attention.
Reid groaned and mumbled something incoherent.
"Spencer." Gideon urged.
Again Reid groaned, "Go away, T, leave me alone."
The team exchanged glances, each of them sure that read wasn't completely awake. "Spencer, its Gideon." he said. "Come on, wake up and look at me."
Another groan as Reid became more aware, "Just leave. I just…" he sighed heavily, "I just want to die."
Gideon turned his head, "JJ, give me your jacket please." She nodded and obliged, sliding out of her outdoor fall wear; a down-filled baby-blue jacket, with a fur-lined hood. She handed it over and Gideon draped it over Reid, and shook his shoulder slightly. "Come on, Spencer. You don't want to die. There's still so much for you to do, see, and learn. You're not done yet." He shook Reid's shoulder again and slowly Reid opened his eyes with a frown.
Reid looked at Gideon, blinking sleepily, not quite processing what was going on. He frowned as he looked at Gideon, and it took a full three seconds before his eyes went wide and he scooted back away from the edge of the bed and tucked himself into the corner. "No no no no no. You… You're not here." he said, trying to fight back tears. He didn't want Gideon to see him like this. "This… This isn't happening. It's not real." he mumbled to himself, hoping this was just a nightmare; his worst nightmare. He shivered and then noticed the jacket he'd pulled away from. He reached forward tentatively and pulled it toward him, hugging it to himself and hiding within it. It smelled of baby powder and peppermint; it smelled like… He looked up passed Gideon and saw JJ with her arms wrapped around herself for warmth. Quickly he tossed the jacket away from him, the scent making him want to vomit. He cast his eyes around and noticed the rest of the team, minus Garcia, all staring at him. "Go." he said firmly, then swallowed and began to shout. "GO AWAY! All of you! Just leave me the hell alone, for Christ's sake!"
"Reid, buddy." Morgan started, but didn't get far.
"No! Just shut up! Go! I don't want you here. Any of you! Can't you see I just want to be left alone!?"
Morgan stepped up behind Gideon and noticed the discarded syringe next to the side table. He bent down and carefully picked it up. "Left alone? Left alone to ruin your life with drugs!? You think we're going to let you do that!?"
"Morgan!" It was Hotch reprimanding him now.
He turned to look at his superior, "What? We're just going to sit by and do nothing? No way, man. No way."
"Morgan, we're going to tell Reid what we want to say, in a calm and mature manner, and then we're going to treat him like an adult, and let him make his own choices." Hotch hated saying it, he, just as much as everyone else, wanted nothing more than to drag Reid out of there kicking and screaming if they had to, but that wasn't a possibility any more.
"You can't be serious, Hotch." Morgan said.
"I am. So if you have a problem with that you're just going to have to deal with it." Hotch replied.
Reid looked back and forth between them; he could practically see the sparks flying. When Morgan relaxed finally and set the syringe down Reid looked at Hotch, a slight air of gratitude in his gaze which wasn't returned. Hotch kept eye contact for only a moment before he looked away and left Reid to find somewhere else to look. Silence was beating down on them until Gideon broke it.
"Spencer, please come back with us. Let me take you home. You don't have to do this alone."
Reid shook his head, "No. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't need your help. I don't want your help. And I don't want to go home."
"Come on, Spencer. You're not alone in this. We want to help you. Just tell us how."
"You can't help me, Gideon. It's too late for that. I'm beyond help now. I just want you to leave me alone, please. I don't… I don't want you to witness this."
"Spencer…" Gideon's voice cracked and he reached out towards Reid.
"Don't!" Reid snapped. "Don't touch me. Please, god, leave me alone!!"
Gideon pulled his hand back, his eyes conveying such a deep sadness that Reid had to look away. No one spoke for a moment until Prentiss shook her head and sighed. "Reid, think about what you're saying. This might be your only chance to get back on track. We can help you. You need friends and support."
Reid looked up at her, and then past her, a smile threatening to tug at the corner of his mouth. "I have friends, or a friend. And he's done more to support me than any of you."
-0-0-0-0-
As Tamesis rounded the corner of the apartment his heart skipped a beat. The door was open. He only paused for a second when he heard Reid yell, "Don't! Don't touch me! Please, god, leave me alone!!" Tamesis ran, it wasn't a great distance but it felt like it took forever. He jumped down the short set of stairs and landed softly. He stepped into the room as Prentiss spoke, and he realised any scenario that had been in his head wasn't this. This he could deal with.
As Reid looked up at him and spoke, Tamesis smiled and waited for everyone to follow Reid's gaze to him. "Good evening." he smiled innocently. "Would you mind telling me why you're in my place?"
"We're here to help." Hotch offered, stepping forward.
Tamesis ignored him and looked to Reid, "Are they helping?" Reid shook his head and Tamesis sighed. "So then, if you're here to help, why did I hear him yelling? Seems to me you're only stressing him out."
"We want to help him." Hotch said.
"All good and well, but does he want your help?" Once again Tamesis looked to Reid who shook his head again. "Well that settles it. Get out."
"Please, let us help him. We have the means to do more than you can, no offence." Hotch said to Tamesis.
"None taken, but that's where you're wrong. He doesn't need what you have to offer. He just needs support to make his own choices. That is something I can tell none of you will be able to give him. All of you will want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I won't let you do that. So again, get out, and don't come back."
Morgan looked at Reid, "Reid, tell him that's not what you want!"
Reid shook his head so it was Hotch's turn to speak to him, "Reid, is that what you want? Do you want us to leave?"
After a beat Reid nodded, "Please go. I'm sorry, but please. I can't go with you any more."
"You heard him." Tamesis said, squeezing his way past the gathered group towards Reid. He sat down on the bed and looked at Gideon pointedly, and then indicated the door with his finger.
When Gideon finally stood he looked down at Reid, "You know my number if you need me. And I'm available on the holidays, so if you want more company for thanksgiving or Christmas, and maybe a good meal, I'm here for you." Reid nodded and then looked away.
Tamesis sighed, "Well, what are you all waiting for? Leave. Please." He stood and moved to the supply of candles and started setting them up and lighting them, leaving the team to show themselves out. There was an itching between his shoulder blades and he turned around to see the dark-haired female looking at him. "Can I help you?"
"I'd just like a moment to speak my mind, and then I'll go." Prentiss said looking at Reid.
Tamesis nodded, "Be my guest, but you only have until I get these candles lit, and the oil lamp refilled."
"Thank you." She said and turned to sit on the bed. She noticed JJ's jacket was gone, so she must have grabbed it on her way out. She sighed, "Reid, you know you may not want us, them, right now, but you might eventually. And if you keep pushing them away over and over eventually they'll give up and they won't take you back. You have to look into the future and see where you're going to be if you keep going down this path. How will you face all this pain and suffering every day? If you don't seriously change now, you could die here."
"What's your point?" Reid mumbled.
Prentiss shifted closer, "Look at yourself, Reid." She reached out and gently took his right arm, pushing the sleeve up and turning it wrist up to look at the scabs, marks, and bruises on his inner arm. "Does this not scare you? These scars? You can't hide them from us, and I don't know about everyone else, but it scares me."
Reid looked down and then turned his head away, "It's nothing. It's fine."
"Fine? Reid, if you're not careful I'm afraid your arm is going to fall off."
Reid pulled his arm away, but it wasn't hard for him to do as Prentiss had let go at the same time. He hugged his knees to him and rested his cheek on his knees, facing away from her. "You can go now." he mumbled.
"I'm not done yet. Just hear me out and then I'll leave." When Reid didn't respond she continued, "There's no where left for you to go, so tomorrow, or the next day, or a week from today, you're going to have to live with what you just said to them. You've burned bridges that you're going to have to cross eventually. Everything you do is going to come back to bite you. You can't escape it, Reid."
"I can try." Reid mumbled, but Prentiss either didn't hear, or chose to ignore it.
"What are you so scared of? Are you trying to escape having feelings? Because Reid, you're allowed to be scared, or sad, or angry, that's normal. You don't have to hide from those feelings. Or, have you just given in to this madness and stopped trying to fight your demons?" She didn't get an answer so she continued on, "I know you've got your own reasons that you'll use to justify everything you're going through, but you have to stop living in this haze. Open your eyes and look at what you're doing to yourself. How can you possibly like what you see?" She sighed and took a moment to collect her thoughts, "So, I don't know what you're waiting for, but this… this is your chance to pick yourself up. Nothing is stopping you. You know how to contact us, any of us, if you change your mind."
Reid looked up at her, his eyes shimmering, "Thank you, but I won't. Now please leave." he said, looking passed her to Tamesis who nodded and lit the oil lamp before taking Prentiss by the arm and seeing her to the door.
"I can see you all care about him." he whispered, "But you do have to let him make his own choices. Right now he wants to be alone. If he changes his mind I'm sure you'll be one of the first to know. Until then, leave him alone. I'll take care of him."
Prentiss nodded and left the small apartment to meet up with the team out front. Tamesis closed the door to lock out the cold and the snow and then turned back to Reid. As he stepped across the room he heard the quiet sobs. Slowly he crawled onto the bed and sat next to Reid. "Hey, you okay?"
Reid nodded, "I will be."
"Why'd you do it? I mean, I'll support your choices, but going with them did seem like the better option. Not that I'm complaining."
"I don't know why. I just… I just couldn't do it. So here I am, exactly where I was before."
"Well if you want I can stay here with you for a few days."
Reid shook his head this time, "No, that's okay. I'll be fine. I'll be…" He choked on another sob.
Tamesis hesitantly reached over and placed a hand on Reid's shoulder, "Are you sure?"
"No." He shook, trying to hold everything in. "M-maybe you could stay for a little while though?"
"Of course," Tamesis said, "anything you want." He became a little bolder and pulled Reid to him. Reid's head landed softly on his shoulder, and the sobs he'd been holding in broke and flooded out on contact. Tamesis swallowed hard, "I'm sorry, Reid." And he was sorry. Not for what Reid was going through, but for having taken advantage of him when he so clearly needed support. He hoped he'd never be tempted to do it again.
And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyesAre you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know
Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?