A/N: this is so bad I'm sorry but I just can't do this chapter anymore I just need it finished agh I'm sorry

Shattered: Chapter 36

"You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation was provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution." - Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

Monday, 22 December 2014

Ethan picked at the corner of the duvet cover resting by his head. He had no reason to, really - it wasn't like there was a bit of fluff or dust on it - but right now he didn't have much of a reason to do anything (and he ignored the traitorous voice in the back of his head telling him that 'anything' also included living). He just… didn't know what to do. His head spun with the horrible reminder that he'd agreed to the assessment with Vitamin John, and Cal had looked so happy when he told him that so the thought of backing out made his stomach twist.

To try and distract him from it, Cal had used his day off yesterday to try and help Ethan think about it as less as possible. It was counterproductive really because doing something for the sole reason of taking his mind off it only served to remind him of what he was meant to be taking his mind off of. (Not that he told Cal that, he didn't want to upset him more than he already did - he knew he was high maintenance already and he couldn't give Cal more reasons not to love him.) Today, however, there was no Cal to take his mind off anything. Cal was in work and saving lives (doing what Ethan should be doing) and being a good person.

Ethan was not doing that. Ethan was not a good person.

He hadn't touched the long-gone-cold toast Cal had made him and he'd only had a couple of grapes; any more made his stomach turn. He knew he should do something, keep himself occupied or even have a shower, but just the thought of moving from the position he'd been in for hours was tiring. And anyway, he had a shower a couple of days ago, it was no big deal if he left it a few more hours (or maybe another day or two).

He stopped picking at the duvet with a sigh. He was too out of energy to do that. Ethan knew that if breathing wasn't a natural occurrence he'd be too tired to do that as well.

Soon enough even his eyelids started to droop, and Ethan let himself fall into sleep. Unconsciousness was favourable right now, even with the possibility of nightmares.

He woke up no less than three and a half hours later, the neon numbers on his alarm clock blaring at him like they were taunting him, mocking him for his weakness. The weakness that he couldn't even get out of bed.

He rolled slowly to his other side and wondered how much longer it would be until Cal got home. He didn't have the energy to interact with him or even listen to him jabber on but he wanted a hug, really. He wanted comfort from his brother, just to be held and curled up with, have his head stroked like he was a child again. Just have someone with him... but he knew that it was impossible. Ethan couldn't even move from his bed; Cal should never want to comfort a man who can't even perform basic human functions.

The thought sent his mind spiralling and before he knew it, every reason he'd ever had for people not to love him bombard him. Every person he's ever let down taunt him.

He was too tired to cry, so he just let his tears roll down his nose and across his face, dripping onto the pillow below.

One thought is prevalent amongst all the chaos. The shining beacon bright in the darkness, if you will.

He hates himself. He really, really hates himself.

"Hey, Nibbles," Cal said as he entered Ethan's bedroom, going to kneel at the side of his bed right by where Ethan's head rested. "You okay?"

Ethan blinked. Cal had only just come home; only just shut the door, and the first thing he did was go to Ethan?

Cal sighed sympathetically, "sorry, I know."

Ethan just looked at him (probably pitifully, judging by the look of Cal's face), too tired to speak.

"Have you had lunch at all?" He glanced at the leftover breakfast sadly. "You didn't eat much of your breakfast."

"Not hungry," Ethan mumbled, just the thought of cold toast enough to make nausea stir within him.

Cal laid a warm and strong and grounding hand on Ethan's shoulder. "I know, Eth. But you've got to eat."

Ethan shrugged weakly.

"How about I make-"

The ringing of Cal's phone interrupted them and Cal expertly slid it out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. "I've got to take this," he said, standing up (knees clicking) and answering just as he left the room.

Ethan heard a quiet, "hey, Aero," and felt his heart clench painfully. His brother had just come home from work and all Ethan wanted was to just be with him but of course, his brother's cheating girlfriend would ring just as Ethan was about to get his wish. (At the back of his head was a voice reminding him that he didn't deserve cal's comfort, that even a girlfriend that cheated on his brother was better than him.)

He watched the digital numbers on his clock with tired eyes. They changed once, twice, three times. By the time Cal came back in, Ethan was seeing the same number again. 10 minutes on the phone, to a cheater that Ethan had warned him about but Cal didn't love Ethan enough to believe him.

Cal loved Aero more.

"Sorry, Eth. I've got to go," he said, appearing in the doorway. "Owen's had another fall and Aero's worried. You know how older siblings get." He chuckled sadly. "I won't be long, I promise. Then we can have dinner and watch a movie. Sound good?"

Ethan tiredly pulled himself up onto one elbow, feeling it shake beneath him, a reminder of how physically tired he was. "Cal…" he started painfully. "Please… don't.'

Cal's eyebrows furrowed "Don't what?"

Ethan hesitated, but he had to say it. He had to make Cal believe him or just prove to himself that Cal really did love Aero more."She kissed someone else."

Cal sighed in annoyance and looked away briefly. "Ethan. We've been through this."

"I did see her kiss someone else!" he pushed forcefully, energy suddenly firing his body into action.

He shrugged. "Maybe you saw someone else."

Ethan felt his throat clog up. Cal was meant to believe him. "I didn't - I saw her." He paused. "Please believe me."

"I… I want to."

"Then say it," Ethan said disbelievingly. "Say you believe me."

Cal said nothing.

Ethan's eyes widened. "Say it."

"...I can't."

"Why not?"

Cal looker physically pained. "Because I don't. I just… don't. Because I know her. I love her, Eth. I really do."

Ethan fell back down onto the bed, turning away from Cal. "It's your funeral," he resigned.

"We'll talk about this when I get back, okay?... Love you."

But you love her more.

He felt Cal's presence still in his room, but eventually, Cal sighed and walked out. Ethan listened to the receding footsteps.

The front door clicked shut.

Ethan cried.

"He's asleep," Aero said as she walked back into the living room. She gestured upstairs, "the painkillers have kicked in too."

Cal smiled at her, though it probably came out more forced than he would have liked. His and Ethan's conversation had been spinning 'round in his head ever since he left their flat. He was starting to think that maybe Ethan was right. "Glad he's okay."

"All thanks to you, Dr Knight."

Cal shook his head. "I barely did a thing."

Aero rolled her eyes. "Ok, Mr Modest." She sat down beside him and let her head fall down. "I honestly got really worried about him. When I heard him cry out like that…"

"Hey, hey. It's okay. He's okay." Cal grasped her hands and she looked up (he stared into her eyes, mesmerised by them). "It was nothing serious and the pain will settle in a few days."

"Thanks, Cal," she smiled gratefully. "Now. You've come all the way over here and helped - cup of tea?"

Cal grimaced. "I really should be getting back…" (And I kind of don't trust you right now.)

"Your brother's a big boy," she laughed slightly. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

Cal wasn't going to spill his brother's business to her and despite the cheating allegation, he couldn't help but feel his chest float like he hadn't had in days (it wasn't Ethan's fault, of course, but it was still tough dealing with someone so sick). He bit his lip, he really wanted to spend more time with her. "One cup. Half an hour. Then I have to go - I promised him."

Aero tutted playfully. "Okaaaaay."

She stood up and before he had time to even think about what he was doing, Cal decided to bite the bullet and blurt out, "did you kiss anyone?"

Aero laughed (Cal really loved her laugh) and sat back down beside him. "So we're playing the 'how many people have I slept with before you' game, huh?"

Cal looked away uncomfortably. "Not before me, per say. More… while with me."

Aero took a moment to catch on. "Cal!" she said incredulously. "You can't be serious?" She stood up and moved away from him as if even being near him was an awful thought. "I could ask you the same question; I've heard the rumours, Caleb Knight."

Cal looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry," he said heavily. "It's just Ethan saw something, he said he saw you kiss someone and I thought he was lying about it all at first and then I realised it might have just been someone that looked like you but it's been rattling around in my head and I had to ask."

Aero sighed, coming to sit back down and cutting off Cal's nervous rambling. "It's okay, I guess. I'd be the same. But you have to trust me, Cal." She took his hands in her own. "Look. I know it's probably too soon but I don't care. I… God, I'm just going to say it. I think I might be in love with you, Cal."

Cal smiled slightly, looking at her face, her beautiful face. "I think I am, too."

Aero looked up the stairs suggestively. "Owen's a heavy sleeper and... I don't really fancy tea."

Cal wiggled his eyebrows and grinned, "is that so?"

They wasted no more time.

Cal came back at eleven at night, on the dot. Four full hours after he left. He wasn't quick and probably didn't even try to be; probably glad for the opportunity to get away from Ethan for a bit. And apart from a trip to the bathroom and a very regretful episode of crying, screaming and slicing into his own skin, Ethan spent that time lying in his bed, trying to get away from himself too.

It didn't work. Nothing worked.

When Cal peaked his head into Ethan's room soon after entering the flat, Ethan pretended to be asleep.

Cal didn't believe him.

Cal didn't trust him.

Cal didn't love him.

The last person on Earth who had the potential to care for Ethan and Ethan was let down.

He was alone. Nobody loved him and he didn't have anyone. He was, for the first time in his life, completely and utterly alone. He was a bad person; he killed patients, he let down the department, he skipped work and threw Connie in the deep end.

Ethan picked at the scabbing over cuts and, not for the first time, wished he was dead.

pxnic-at-mxdnight: thank you! unfortunately, Cal was a bit stuck, watching Ethan deteriorate again is hard and all he wants to do is help, but he probably just doesn't know how. i can't keep them apart forever haha, Cal really loves his brother but Ethan just can't see that. exactly - Ethan's trying to do things but his brain is just going nope. hahaah yep not 8 months this time... 12 days... which I mean it's not what i planned but hey ho xD thank you again!