Chapter 36: Roadside Attraction

Another mostly boring, uneventful week ending in another fun, eventful time in Gravity Falls. I stepped through the portal and saw the Pines family getting ready for their road trip.

"And don't forget bug spray! It's perfect for spraying in the face of hitchhikers." Stan said.

"Whoa. An RV? Camping gear? Are you running from the law again?" Dipper questioned.

"Dude! It's the ultimate Oregon road trip adventure." Soos said.

"More like 'Revenge Trip'. Every year, my tourist trap competitors prank the Mystery Shack. Last year those hooligans duct-taped Soos to the ceiling." Stan said.

"That was a fun 78 hours." Soos added.

"Well, no more! This year, we're visiting every tourist trap along the redwood highway, and I'm gonna prank back every single one." Stan explained, handing Dipper a map of his plans.

"Bow wow. Time to let the road dogs bark." Grenda said, as Mabel, Candy, and Grenda came up.

"That is us. We are the road dogs." Candy added.

"Thanks for letting me bring Candy and Grenda along for our road trip, Grunkle Stan." Mabel said.

"The more the merrier." Stan replied. "Just sign these non-disclosure agreements. None of your parents are lawyers, right?"

"What do you say, dude? You coming?" Soos asked.

"I already went to the trouble of packing all your stuff. Even the stuff you kept in that secret box under the bed. Whoa!" Mabel exclaimed, dropping the box as a bunch of pictures of Wendy and Dipper's old confession letter spilled out. "What the-? What's that…" Mabel sighed, saying the last part more than asking it.

"Uh, nothing!" Dipper said, scrambling to pick up the stuff. "Just… Wendy stuff… from old times."

"Ugh!" Mabel and Soos groaned.

"Bro, I thought you were finally past all this." Mabel said.

"Ugh, I know, I know." Dipper sighed, lightly hitting himself on the head. "I know she's not interested, and I know it's over, but… how do you just turn off the way you feel about someone?"

"Two words, Dipper: move on." Mabel told him. 'I know from personal experience that moving on takes a while.'

"Yeah, dude. And a road trip's the perfect place to meet new people." Soos added.

~Time skip brought to you by: Road trips!~

"Man, RVs are amazing! I can't believe we're sitting at a table, in a moving vehicle!" Grenda stated.

"You should try riding on a passenger train at some point. They have tables where you eat at in some of the train cars." I added.

"Ooh! Informational travel pamphlets. I want to read them all and gain their travel knowledge." Candy said.

"Kid, those useless pamphlets have never helped a single person. The only wrinkly old travel guide you'll need is me." Stan cut in. "Now look alive. We're coming up on an attraction run by the most black-hearted proprietor in all of Oregon. Don't let the face fool you. This woman lit my car on fire on two non-consecutive occasions." Stan added as we came up on the world's biggest ball of yarn and we climbed out.

"I'm going in, girls." Mabel said, jumping into the ball of yarn the size of a car. Candy and Grenda were quick to follow. Meanwhile, Dipper spotted a girl around his age walking by with ice cream.

"Okay. Like Soos said; meet new people." Dipper muttered, walking up to the girl and clearing his throat. "So, uh… come here often?" Dipper began nervously.

"No, I'm a tourist." The girl replied, sounding slightly annoyed.

"You're funny. And cute. I mean, not cute. I mean, you're not not cute. Whew. Let me start over. My name is Dopper." Dipper said, holding out his hand. The girl just put her ice cream face down on Dipper's hand and left.

"'Dopper'?" I said. "Why'd you say 'Dopper'?"

Dipper wasn't listening to me though as he ran off by orders of Grunkle Stan through the radio, grabbing the end of the string Mabel handed him from inside the ball of yarn, and tied it to the bumper of the RV. Dipper sighed after he was done.

"Something on your mind, kiddo? You're thinking about miss cold shoulder over there, huh?" Stan asked.

"Ugh, I'm so embarrassed." Dipper sighed. "Look, earlier this summer, I ruined my chances with Wendy…"

"Heh, yeah… 'chances'…"

"And I want to move on, but I'm terrible at talking to girls." Dipper continued. "The moment I open my mouth around them, I unravel like… like…"

"A loose knot?" I said.

"Yeah, that's it." Dipper said. Meanwhile, Mabel and Grenda were having fun messing around in the giant ball of yarn. "At this rate, I'm gonna grow up to be a sad loner like Toby Determined."

"Whoa. Never say that about yourself." Stan said. "Lucky for you, I'm an expert on women. Listen to me, kid. When it comes to girls, always be confident. And be funny. But not too funny. And be kind of annoying, but in a loveable way."

"I don't know, Grunkle Stan. This sounds kinda jerky." Dipper said.

"Hey, 'jerky' is just a term non-jerks use to badmouth innocent jerks." Stan replied.

"The quote of the year." I chuckled.

"Confidence, comedy, some third word starting with a 'C'. The three C's of the Stan Pines dating technique. At the next tourist trap, try out my advice on the first girl you see." Stan advised.

"Cool. Grunkle Stan, thanks." Dipper told him.

"Hey, I'm full of good ideas." Stan replied. "Speaking of which, everyone, NOW!" We all rushed into the RV and Stan slammed the gas, unraveling the yarn as we sped off to Upside Down Town.

"Hey, Dipper. One thing? Whatever you do…" I began.

"Yeah?"

"Do not go too far." I warned darkly.

"Ah, Upside-Down Town. The nausea capital of the state." Stan said s we got out of the RV. "Whatever you do, don't use the bathrooms."

We put on some special grip shoes that would hold us to the carpet on the floor/ceiling, testing them out before we got on the 'upside-downifier' which turned us upside down. I put a hand on my pocket to prevent my phone from falling out. The shoes held us to the carpet as we walked inside. It was just like a normal house, but upside down, and everything was nailed or screwed down and adjusted to account for the gravity pulling everything to the ceiling. Dipper saw another girl and built up his courage.

"Hi. I'm Dipper. Crazy place, right?" Dipper said.

"Oh, hi! I'm Emma Sue." The girl said. "You know, if you pretend we're right side up, it looks like everyone's hair is standing on end."

"Huh. Yeah, weird, right? Pretend you're screaming."

"Okay. You gotta take a picture of me, though." Emma said, handing her phone to Dipper and pretending to scream as Dipper took the picture.

"Let's see about- whoa! Just kidding." Dipper joked, pretending to drop her phone before catching it and handing it back to Emma.

"You are the worst." Emma said playfully punching Dipper's shoulder.

"You bet I am. I'm bad, Emma. Kind of a jerk." Dipper said.

"Emma, come on! We have to get to Canada before your mother gives birth!"

"It's a long story." Emma chuckled.

"Maybe you could tell me sometime." Dipper said. I handed Dipper a small pocket notebook.

"Here's my email address." Emma said, writing the email on a page in the notebook I provided. "Write me and I'll tell you all about it."

"A girl gave me her email. And it wasn't out of pity! Ha ha! Yes!" Dipper laughed, jumping 'up' before I could stop him as he fell to the ceiling (a strange paradox). "I'm okay! I'm better than okay! Nathan, thanks for the notebook! Mabel, hi! There's my Grenda! Candy, looking great, looking great. Is that a new pair of glasses? Very shiny." Candy's whole face turned red as she smiled. "Ha ha, whoo!"

"Maybe it's the blood pooling in my head, but Dipper seems different." Grenda said, before groaning as the blood pooling began to take effect.

"Yes. Good different." Candy added.

"Now, Soos!" Stan yelled. Stan and Soos began jumping on the slanted ceiling and made the upside down house go right side up as I held on before racing out, taking the special shoes off, putting my sandals back on, and running into the RV with the others.

"I can't believe it worked! What do I do now, do I email her?" Dipper asked.

"No, no, no. You practice. The more girls you talk to, the better you'll get at it." Stan replied.

"Grunkle Stan, these tips are priceless."

"And that's just the tip of the advice-berg."

~Time skip brought to you by: Mabel and Candy screaming so loud it woke me up from my sleep. And I sleep through the alarm on my alarm clock that's right next to my bed while waking up everyone else in the house.~

"Alright, campers. We've got another day of breaking laws and breaking hearts." Stan said. "Everything up until now has been a walk in the park compared to our next attraction."

"Is it a walk in the world's biggest park?" Mabel asked.

"Eh, sort of. There she is, kids. Mystery Mountain. Five times the size of the Mystery Shack, and what's worse, she has real attractions." Stan continued.

"Oh, I have read about this place. It has a sky tram, and a mummy museum, and sightings of half human half spider creatures." Candy said.

"Even their made up legends are better than ours." Stan said. "Today, the mountain falls."

"Question: the back seat makes me carsick. Can I sit up front today?" Mabel asked.

"Also question: I'm the size of two people. Can I have a whole seat to myself?" Grenda asked.

"Uh, I don't know, sure." Stan said.

"Whoo, change up!" Mabel cheered, pushing Dipper to the back seat and dragging me to the booth with her and Grenda.

"But wait, that means it'll be just me and—"

"Candy Chu, 6th grade!" Candy said.

"Whoa! Hey…" Dipper said awkwardly, scooting away before Candy scooted closer. "You're sitting close." Mabel and Grenda laughed quietly as Grenda closed the curtain, separating Dipper and Candy from the rest of us. We came up on the mountain and Stan parked the RV.

"Alright, road dogs. I got five bucks for whoever can tip the big blue ox." Stan said. "Go, go, go!"

"I will see you in there." Candy said, laughing as she ran off and Dipper got off the RV.

"Hey, what's with the mopey mug, kid?" Stan asked.

"Stan you gotta help me. Everything you taught me worked too well. I think Candy just asked me out on a date." Dipper said.

"Hey. Look at this little champion." Stan chuckled.

"What? No! I- I mean, Candy's great. She's sweet, and she's smart, but I've never thought of her like that. Th-th-this is all moving way too fast." Dipper panicked, beginning to hyperventilate. "Okay. I just need to be honest with her, and tell her I-I'm not ready for all this."

"Ha ha ha ha. Don't you see what's happening here? That's your dumb obsession with Wendy gettin' in the way of your future. If you wanna move on, you gotta say yes to whatever comes your way. Speaking of which…" Stan said, looking out of the corner of his eye at the woman at the ticket stand.

"But I don't wanna lead her on." Dipper said.

"Ah-ah-ah! Watch and learn." Stan interrupted, walking up to the lady. "Whoa, I seem to have lost my number. Can I borrow yours?"

"You are a riot. What brings you here? We don't normally get men this handsome 'round these parts." The lady said.

"Well, Darlene, between you and me, what I'm doing here is a little secret."

"Oh, you seem like a man with secrets."

"Ugh." Dipper cringed.

"You know, I'm going on a break. You wanna take the sky tram up to widow's peak?" Darlene said.

"Take my advice or don't, but clearly, I know what I'm doing." Stan whispered to Dipper, before walking off with Darlene, looking back at Dipper and pointing at Darlene with a triumphant face. Dipper headed into the mountain with Candy while I stayed back with Mabel and Grenda.

"Oh, I can't believe this is happening! A real date!" Mabel exclaimed excitedly. "I wonder what they'll name the baby?" I involuntarily almost choked on my own saliva for some reason.

"If I had a baby, I would name it 'Grenda 2: The Sequel'." Grenda said.

"You would make such a good mother."

~Time skip brought to you by: the only scene in the entire series that I can't stand to watch.~

"I feel like such a fool. I should have known to guard my heart in a cage of ice." Candy said.

"THERE, THERE. LET MY CALMING VOICE SOOTHE YOU." Grenda shouted.

"It is helping." Candy said.

"Nathan, girls, there you are." Dipper panted, running up to us.

"Betrayer!" Mabel accused.

"I warned you not to go too far." I said ominously. "Romance is nothing to toy around with."

"Oh, you. What do you want?" Candy said bitterly.

"I need your help." Dipper said.

"With what? Some sick jealousy trap?" Candy spat.

"Yeah, sing it, Candy!"

"Testify!"

"Look, I'm so sorry about everything, but Stan's in trouble." Dipper apologized. "You can totally kill me later, but right now, he needs us. I'll explain on the way." As we ran up thee mountain, Dipper explained the situation as promised before we ran into a cave. Grenda tore through the webs and we tore the webbing off of Stan.

"Quick, before the rest of the venom sets in." Stan said as we finished ripping the webbing off of Stan and ran out of the cave while Darlene, now a giant spider, chased after us.

"The sky tram! Everybody on. I have a plan." Candy said. We got in the sky tram and it began going down.

"Ride like the wind, sky tram!"

The sky tram was moving very slowly.

"Welcome to Trambience, the world's slowest treetop tram ride. Enjoy the sights, at 0.1 miles per hour."

"Why is it at 0.1 miles per hour?" I wondered aloud. "Why don't you go faster?!"

"No it can't. This is Trambience."

"I didn't ask if it could go faster." I deadpanned.

"Enjoying the view? Take a picture." Right at that moment, the giant spider looked in the window as we recoiled in fear.

"Why would we take a picture of that ugly view?" Meanwhile, the tram car was being encased in webbing.

"We're doomed!" Stan yelled.

"We're all gonna die!" Dipper panicked.

"Listen carefully. This sky tram has an emergency drop switch. Below us is Oregon's largest Paul Bunyon statue. And Old Reliable goes off in five… four…" Candy said, grabbing the release switch.

"Candy, wait! Don't pull that lever!"

"Three… two…"

"Kid, are you crazy?!"

"No!" Candy said, pulling the lever. We fell, shot up, and flew around this way and that, although it was hard to tell with our view outside obstructed by the webs. When we came to a stop, we busted the door out.

"Thank you for riding Trambience sky tram. Tell your friends it was a boring, boring ride."

"Kid, that was ingenious! How'd you know that would work?" Stan said.

"Useless travel pamphlets." Candy replied.

"Stan-y." Darlene said, pulling her human form on from under the giant boot. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. You'll let me out, right?"

"What?! After all that?!" Stan exclaimed. "Seriously, do I look like an amnesiac?"

"You're so funny." Darlene laughed. "Have you ever considered becoming a comedian?"

"You know, I actually have. Comedy is too subtle these days. My style involves more oversized props. Here, let me get you out."

"No, don't!"

"Stan, wait! No!"

Darlene turned back into a spider and reached out to bite Stan.

"Oh, yeah. Right."

"You win this round Stan, but mark my words. As long as there's men like you out there with their dumb one liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey." Darlene warned, spitting acid at Stan. We quickly fled into the RV and sped off. Dipper sighed and tore out the page with numbers and email addresses and tore it in half.

"Alright, kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is I've been divorced once and slapped more times than I can remember." Stan admitted. "Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure."

"Hey, we're both failures." Dipper said, holding up the torn page.

"We're all failures!" I said, saying in a cheerful tone and smile that was the complete opposite of the mood of the words I said.

"You know, even if your dating tips were bad, I actually haven't thought about Wendy all day. Plus, you did teach me to be more confident. I guess I just need to learn to use that power for good." Dipper said, looking back at Candy. Dipper went back to apologize as we approached the town boarder.

"I still feel a little bad about wrecking all those tourist traps." Dipper said.

"Ah, come on. Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen— sweet lord!" Stan exclaimed as we saw the heavily vandalized Mystery Shack. "I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this."

"Oh, man. Are we gonna have to help clean this up?" Dipper said.

"I know I'm not doing it." I said as I went through the portal. "By the way, you left Soos at the corn maze."