Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.

Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.

A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.

Chapter 36: If I never loved, I never would have cried.

Kisses and hugs and much love is sent to my awesome Beta-TwilightMomofTwo.

-**-Bookends-**-

"I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I'd never loved, I never would have cried." (I am a rock, Paul Simon)

(The Dance, Garth Brooks)

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain
But I'd 've had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end

the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain
But I'd 've had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain

but I'd 've had to miss the dance

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV (one week later)

"Your move."

He leaned back, the rim of his wine glass caught between his lips, and watched me with knowing eyes. Motherfucker flew thousands of miles to just gloat in person. I can't say I'm surprised. He knew all those years ago in Italy that we'd be here eventually.

I was fucking finally getting the girl.

"Hmm, I am trying to figure out what is different about you."

I wondered if there was ever a moment of Erebos' life that wasn't calculated. It had to be exhausting to control every millisecond. God knows it was exhausting trying to anticipate what he had planned. I buried my secrets behind my classic smirk. One day I was going to find a way to hide shit from this man.

He laughed, ignoring the chessboard in front of him. "Ah, Edward, you are so much like your uncle."

"So you tell me."

I gestured to the board.

"I think it's your hair. Have you been using product in it?"

I ran a hand through my hair, feeling like an idiot when he motioned to the board. I glared, noticing he'd moved while distracting me.

"No," I grumbled, trying to anticipate his strategy—on the board and with me.

"You don't want to move that there," he warned. "I thought you wanted to challenge me with this game."

I held my piece in place and turned my attention back to the other game he was playing.

"It's nice of you to visit in person. Did Kate call you?"

His smile didn't waver, though I did detect a slight tension in his eyes.

"Katherine has been a very good friend to me for many years, Edward. And she has been the same for you. Please do not create a villain out of her now."

I nodded, making my move on the board.

"She's pissed with me," I offered.

I glanced at his glass of wine and reached for my bottle of water. I wondered if I could legitimately consider myself a recovering alcoholic if I never once thought about booze anymore.

I never needed to drink in the first place. I'd always only needed Bella.

"You have a remarkable will," Erebos said. He held his wine up as if he had read my mind. His smile reminded me that I was forever the Alice and he would always be that damn cat. "Of course that is because you have an undeniable heart."

I tried to play macho and pretend that his praise wasn't affecting me that much, but being around Bella was making me soft.

And just when I thought I'd grown out of having a vagina. I rolled my eyes.

"But you are a stubborn ass to a fault," he observed.

Again, he ignored the chess pieces in front of us to make eye contact with me. I squirmed. I held Erebos' opinion in very high regard, but this shit with Kate was just a business thing.

I was ready to move on.

"Bella… no, I deserve to just spend time with the woman I'm going to share the rest of my life with. We missed out on too many years. I don't want to regret another moment that we could be spending together."

"How did you spend the money I gave you?"

If Erebos were a car he'd have to be an automatic. No human on Earth could downshift fast enough to keep up with him. For a second I felt like we were back in Italy, sitting in his study on a Friday night, playing our usual game of deconstructing Edward's brain.

Again, fruitlessly, I watched him and tried to figure out what he was getting at, asking me that question.

I'd been cautious when it came to spending the money he generously awarded me. I never felt like I had honestly earned it. I started out treating the funds like I was some ambassador of good fortune.

The first thought in my mind when I got home was that Jazz deserved half of it. I tried to give it to him, but he kept mailing the checks back. He told me I'd earned them. There were marks on my body to prove it. There were nightmares that kept me up late at night that could be eased with a brighter future that such a trust fund could finance.

When Jazz wouldn't accept the money I tried to send some to Carlisle. He'd flown all over the country to help my brother and me. He'd taken us in. He gave us a home. Gave us a life. He adopted us. He made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. That I could be something. Someone.

Carlisle politely declined all registered mail from me after he heard from Jazz what I was doing.

I wanted to send it all to Bella. After my family refused the money it felt like it was burning a hole in my chest to still have it. Bella hated money. Charlie Swan was drenched in wealth. Bella would live on the street, starving and dying before she'd ever want false riches like her father.

But how could I do that? How could I just out of the blue send off a million dollars to a woman who had made it quite clear that she didn't want me in her life? It also went against everything Erebos had taught me to find in myself. Sending any of the money to Bella would be a desperate hope in me that maybe I could win back her love through gifts.

That wasn't fair to Bella. No one deserved to feel that cheap.

And it wasn't fair to me. If Bella and I were meant to be together it would have to be on the merits of our actions and our hearts. Not because I was suddenly independently wealthy enough to solve our material problems.

Finally, I gave up. Spent the money on myself.

It felt…shameful at first. I didn't deserve it. I still, to this date, have issues with seeing that many zeros in my back account.

"I built…the foundation." I resisted the urge to laugh. It was as blatant as any metaphor got. I returned to the States with no legs to stand on. I built a foundation for my future. A corporation that focused on helping others find foundations for their own futures.

Kate had been instrumental in building my company. She had been a true partner in those first few months after I came back. My chest was heavy with guilt over walking away from the company, but it wasn't fair to her either. Kate thought of us as partners. I was just an artist. She was the company.

It felt like I was leading her on in some way to stick around. Some expectation that I just knew she'd have if I didn't just break away.

"What else did you use the money for?" he prompted.

I shrugged. After Cullen Mastery was established, Jazz and Alice were more receptive in letting me help them.

"I dunno. I bought a place in New York. Bought a place in Seattle… gave some to Jazz to open his office. Some to Alice to fix up her studio."

Erebos nodded to the board, having made his move again without me seeing.

Devious fucker.

"What was the last thing you spent that money on?"

I didn't question how he knew I had spent the last of the money recently. I looked at my hands and answered.

"A house."

"Ah…there it is," he proclaimed with joy in his voice.

"What?"

"What's different about you. You're not building your future anymore, Edward. You're living it."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh goodie, it's Mister Fucking Miyagi time again."

He laughed. I gave up on the chess game and stood to finish packing.

He turned to watch me. I'd never not think he did that just so he could stare at my ass.

"Don't worry about Kate, my boy. She's tough. She'll get over it."

"It's not like I'm breaking up with her. We weren't in a relationship."

Erebos sipped his wine. "Oh, but you were. You were business partners. You relied on her to help you survive. And she took care of you. That's a bond that is hard to just snap in half. You define your relationship with her as business, and there is no room for business with you now. There's no need. You can live a very comfortable life without ever having to work another day. What, dear boy, does that leave poor Katherine? Idle hands."

He made a valid point but that still didn't change anything. Kate had five other artists that lived between here and Victoria under her wing now. She'd made my work and my name a product, and that was a business that practically ran itself. She liked going out for drinks to discuss showings. She loved holding showcases all over the world. She liked all that business crap.

She'd hardly miss me. I was cranky and bitchy when it came to dealing with any of it. What would she be lacking now? Fighting with me over having to wear a tie?

I pulled out an oversized box to put the last of the crap from my study in it. I could never get over the fact that this place had a study. What the fuck did I need a room that like for?

Erebos followed me from the living room to the useless room.

"You actually hung it up?" he said, gesturing to the painting I was taking down.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was fair to keep it hidden in the closet anymore."

He laughed, walking over to stand beside me. He ran a finger along the lines of the painting. I resisted the urge to punch him. My art was a very private thing to me, and this painting in particular was the most private of my pieces. Kate had had a bug up her ass for years for me to at least show the piece.

Well, there you go, dumbass. Give her the painting and stop making yourself feel guilty for finally being with Bella.

"I remember the night you painted this…Kate was in a panic until she found you passed out in the studio."

"Yeah, such a panic that she proceeded to wake me up and drag my ass to the bar…and the tattoo parlor. I don't know who was more surprised when we woke up the next morning. Kate that I had actually followed through with getting inked, or me to find the tattoo chick naked and wound around my still unconscious manager." Erebos laughed.

"That's what I've always appreciated about Katherine. She's an equal opportunist."

I rolled my eyes. "She moved in with that chick last week."

Erebos smiled, never taking his eyes off the painting. "I wonder how well our dear girl will adapt to small town living."

"She'll have MJ moved to New York by the end of the year, mark my fucking words."

"And what will you do with it now?" He motioned to the painting. "Has Bella seen it?"

I shifted. No. Bella hadn't been given the private tour of my apartment. I made a point to always visit her.

"No. I was…uh… considering giving it to Kate."

Erebos' eyes were filled with sarcastic mirth. "How very sweet of you, Edward, to leave behind a picture that represents the woman you are leaving Kate for."

I shrugged and slid the frame into the box.

"So…you think it's a mistake?"

His face was clear of emotions. He raised his glass in the air between us as if to toast. "Ah, mistakes. What futures those make."

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV (The next morning)

Edward gave me the address where to meet him but it didn't make any sense to me.

It was a big freaking day. We'd lived together before, but I didn't really consider that us really living together. Back then, I wasn't me. I was a shadow of me, and Edward was just desperately trying to keep us both alive. But today… Today we officially moved into a shared home together. I had a truck rented, filled with all my crap. And the directions he gave me were two blocks from my apartment.

Why wasn't he just meeting me at my place?

I glared at the tiny building from across the street. It wasn't a residence. It wasn't anything from what I could tell outside. There was a crowd gathered inside that I could see through the windows but…what did this place have to do with Edward?

It was pouring down rain but I got out of the truck anyway. I crossed the street with reservations. I was early, but I clearly wouldn't be alone.

At least the room was warmer than outside. And it was dry.

As I took in my surroundings I realized I was in a tiny art studio. There were people milling about looking at various sized paintings. I blew on my hands—trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I wasn't interested in the art. I was just waiting for my boyfriend to show up and explain himself.

Something behind me made me feel like there were eyes staring at the back of my head. For some inexplicable reason I felt a lash of electricity jump through me—like Edward was the one behind me.

I turned, expectant. What met my eyes was something very hard to explain.

It was a large painting—one of those ones you might finding hanging above a fireplace. But it was not a subject that one would expect to find hanging in such a public place. It was a very simplistic scene—just a single breast.

A right breast.

My right breast.

It would be impossible to explain to someone how I knew it. I was easily ten feet away from the painting. But I didn't have to be next to it to recognize it. I was firstly more than familiar with how my body looked naked. And secondly, I knew who drew it. Edward had sketched my breasts for almost ten years. I knew Edward's work when I saw it.

I was pulled through the throng of art enthusiasts, barely aware of anything but the painting. I was entranced by it. My clothes were dripping and my body was still shaking slightly from the cold. That was all secondary to what was going on inside me.

How did he know? When did he paint this? It was the like me I had spent years with Alec trying to unearth, the me that was trapped under all of my pain, was just standing there on display. Edward cut through all the bullshit that he didn't even know about, and found me.

It was just too much. I stood there, staring at my own naked breast. A myriad of people bustled about me. None of them knew who they were looking at, but I knew.

I couldn't find it in me to be modest about it. There was something beyond sex in that painting.

It was how Edward saw me. It was my body—stripped and bare. Exposed. It was something that I could never hide from him. Something he knew better than I knew myself.

I stepped out of the rain and just happened to end up staring at my own naked breast.

A tear slipped down my cheek.

I drew in a ragged breath and blew it out through unsure lips.

How in the hell did the sight of my naked breast make me understand him so completely? Understand me through him even more.

There was something sensual about the sight. The nipple was rosy and healthy and puckered. But there was also a caress to the slope of the peak. An almost… motherly promise to the image.

Edward not only saw me as being able to be a mother… he granted me the image of it. It was hope and acceptance staring me in the face.

Peaceful. Loving. Beautiful.

I was beautiful.

Another tear slid down my cheek.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" A kind voice asked from some place outside of the breast bubble I had put myself in.

I nodded. I was even afraid to blink.

"How much?" I asked quietly. I wanted it. I needed it. Yes, I could simply ask him to paint me another. And he would. But it wouldn't be this picture. It would be something he painted after I changed. Something he saw in me once I became what this painting told me I could be.

I didn't want that.

I wanted this. I wanted to see what Edward saw in me all along.

"It's not for sale." The woman's voice dropped to a sad note.

I turned to question her. Her eyes were drawn to the painting in a delicate way—she knew Edward.

I was a tad shocked at how quickly the jealousy squeezed my guts. Edward was a saint. He had to watch Mike put his arm around me. He had to see Mike Newton's ring on my finger. I could barely put up with talking to this woman that I only assumed knew Edward.

"Why not?"

Her eyes bounced to my face. I recognized her in an instant. MJ's business woman friend…no, her significant other. What the hell was she doing in an art studio with Edward's painting?

She seemed caught off guard that I had pressed the issue.

"Oh. It's a one of a kind. And the artist is a dick about it. But if you want… we have postcards of it for sale."

She waved to a small table by the door. There were stacks of very familiar looking sketches on small cards. I smiled. It was like being wrapped in a wave of Edward to be in this room right now.

"So… will he take this one home with him?"

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. I was actually surprised he let me put it out tonight. He…" She looked away as if trying to decide if what she said next was crossing a line.

She blanched suddenly, recognition in her eyes. "How'd your tatt turn out, babe?"

I smiled inadvertently at her casualness. "Uh…really well."

"Do you…um…know the artist personally?" I asked her. She called him a dick. I assumed that meant she actually knew him. I gathered this was probably her store. Some of the art on the walls didn't look anything like what Edward would create. She probably was a dealer for lots of local artists.

"I did… a long time ago," she replied in a sad voice.

She pursed her lips and glared at the painting… Almost like she blamed the person in the picture for her no longer knowing Edward.

I swallowed. Hard.

"I'm Kate," she said, offering me her hand.

Shit. She was Kate. The Kate. The chick that Edward said swung bats at him when she was mad at him.

Fuck.

"Uh…I'm… Bella," I stammered, shaking her hand nervously and hoping Edward had never mentioned me.

"No shit," she replied—looking taken back by my appearance.

My motor functions were on stand-by and for some unknown reason my mouth just said "shit".

She laughed. "Hmm…I was beginning to think you were the Loch Ness Monster or some shit-just a myth. Nice to finally meet you."

She turned her attention back to the painting. A gentle, but sad smile touched her lips.

"He doesn't paint. This is the one and only time that he did. He painted it on a night when he was thinking about you. I'm surprised he's never told you about it. He used to travel with the damn thing like it was a security blanket."

"Why is it up here now?"

My mind was spinning with how long this painting had existed. Here stood the proof I had been looking for since Edward went to Italy, and he had created it while I searched.

"I don't know," she said simply. "Ask him."

I turned at her words and met a pair of brown eyes that were almost more familiar to me than that breast on the wall.

"Edward," I whispered. It didn't matter how many years we spent together from here on out, I would never get tired of seeing him standing in front of me in person.

"Here you go," he said, handing paperwork to Kate. Her eyes grew wide when she read them and she glanced between us.

"You serious?"

I felt sick to my stomach. I had no right to pry into Edward's business affairs or anything. I didn't want to intrude on their conversation and began to move away.

Edward noticed me pulling away and stepped over to stand beside me. Whether he meant to or not, he slaughtered my apprehension by putting his arm around me. The cold, wet weather outside was completely forgotten.

I was toasty warm in Edward's embrace.

"We'll call it a going away present," he offered. I didn't miss the fact that when he mentioned going away, his arm squeezed around me.

"At least promise me you'll call…stop by. I'll be bored without your bronze-haired ass to kick around."

I couldn't meet Kate's eyes. I had the sinking suspicion that Edward was ending their business together. And I was nervous to think he was doing that because of me. He hadn't discussed anything to do with his business lately. I was filled with regret and shame for the way I had acted whenever he brought Kate up.

Having met her in person, I really liked her. She seemed like the type that I could trust to be around Edward—keeping business professional.

And I knew she was in to chicks so I hoped that meant she was less into Edward.

"It was nice meeting you, B," she said suddenly, reaching out to shake my hand. "Don't be strangers."

She turned her attention to the group still wandering around the shop.

"What did you give her?" I asked quietly-not wanting to pry but I couldn't help but wonder.

"The ownership papers on that painting," he said, nodding toward my breast on the wall.

"You're giving her my breast?" I said… a little too loud for either of our comforts. No one turned at my words but Edward drew me further back into the room to finish the conversation.

"First off… who told you it's your breast? Second, is there something wrong with giving it to her?"

I shrugged. "I know my own body, Edward," I growled. "And I've never seen this before. I …. I just…"

How could I explain to him what that painting made me feel? The epiphany that I had had the minute I saw it was still fresh in my mind.

"Bella," he started, running his hand through his hair. "That painting is from a different time and place in my life. I want to start new with you. That's why I asked you to meet me here. I wanted you to see it and then have us move on."

I couldn't argue with the look in his eyes. I tried to think of what Alec would tell me.

Bella, you might have found insight from the picture but it was only a definition of what has plagued you in the past. Just let shit go.

I rolled my eyes. Okay, that last part was more me than Alec but it was the same sentiment.

"Can you paint me something to replace it?" I teased, batting my eyes up at him.

He laughed. "Sure. I'll paint your left one."

-**-Bookends-**-

"Where are we going?" I asked for the billionth time since we left the art studio. Edward drove the moving truck so slowly and carefully through the mountain road that I could have sworn my birthday came and passed.

"Home."

That was his only answer. For the last hour that was all he would say in regards to our destination. To say I was confused would have been be the understatement of the century.

I'd thought I was moving in with him… at his place in Seattle. When he turned off the highway and headed out into the wooded area between Port Angeles and Forks, I started wondering if I was finally going to be starring in a Lifetime movie.

She never saw it coming.

It was a plausible name for the would-be overly dramatized retelling of my tragic life. The one that ended with finding out that my boyfriend was killed in Italy and was replaced with a homicidal maniac who had plastic surgery to look like Edward. Far fetched…true. But still… Edward hated the woods. He hated Forks. If he wasn't driving me out to the middle of nowhere to kill me, what the fuck were we doing on this road?

"Will you stop looking like you're fucking going to scream for help any second, please?" He glared ahead and huffed.

"So…we're not living in Seattle?" I opted for twenty questions over letting my imagination run wild.

"We can if you want. I kept the apartment. We can live in New York, too, if you want… I think Erebos gave me one of his villas in Italy, too."

I gaped at him. He was completely serious. I laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing…it's just… did you ever think we'd be sitting here? Think that one day you'd be so loaded that we'd be able to live anywhere we wanted to in the world?"

He laughed. "Nope. Fuck, I was happy to score a pizza back in the days of whore-house Tanyaville."

I swatted his arm and smiled. I harbored no love for his mother but it bugged the shit out of me when he casually said stuff like that.

"You're not going to give me any clues?"

He smirked. "Nope."

I tried a new tactic. "And you didn't think that you might want to consult me before?"

I regretted saying it the minute his face fell. He looked seriously worried.

"I didn't… I mean… Fuck, if you don't like the house…"

"House?" I bounced back easily at the distraction. He actually bought us a house?

He snapped his mouth shut and looked out his driver side window. "Yeah."

It was quiet in the truck for the rest of the drive. In true Edward fashion, we listened to the best of classic rock of the eighties and nineties. We even sang along off key.

"You give looove a bad name," he crooned and laughed.

He turned off the road suddenly. There was no real driveway. I couldn't see any indication that there would even be a road ahead of us- but he knew this was the way.

There was a canopy branches covered in moss and browning leaves shadowing the road. It was oddly quaint and welcoming to ride under. I felt like Anne of Green Gables riding up to her new home.

I kept that information to myself. It was too Hallmark card for us. Too cutesy pie of an ending for the lives we both had led. He'd have plenty to use against me in the teasing department as it was.

He slowed the truck as we neared the end of the forest overhang. I could sense his eyes on me, his nervousness at my reaction to the house.

He didn't have anything to worry about. My breath caught and my heart stopped when I saw it.

It wasn't some big fancy mansion. And it wasn't some tiny shack. It looked more like a cabin or even a cottage but it looked spacious. I felt like I was staring into a fairytale looking at it. This perfect little house nestled in the middle of nowhere.

Edward's Vanquish was parked by the steps. There was no garage. No other building for miles around. Just trees, dirt and the house.

Our house.

I took a deep breath. As perfect as every moment with Edward felt, I couldn't deny that this was scary shit.

When would I fuck this up? It was only a matter of time—only a few emo weekends away from me being evicted from this fantasy never to return. This was already my second chance. How would I survive losing all of this now?

Stop with the negative. Your future is only as solid as your willingness to work on it is.

I got out of the truck. Was Edward speaking? I couldn't hear him. I was lost in the dream of the perfect little house in front of me.

"Bella?"

That I heard but chose to ignore. I was smiling at the porch. I had a porch. Edward and I could sit out on it in rocking chairs. We could watch the gray creep into each other's hair while enjoying sunset after sunset together on that porch.

Our kids and grandkids could sit on the steps next to us.

I choked. My eyes brimming with tears, I tried to process the thought that I had just had.

Kids? Grandkids?

I wanted those?

"Bella," he whispered beside me. "What do you think?"

"Oh Edward…" How did I put this into words? I turned to meet his eyes—my vision swimming with tears that had not yet fallen. "Thank you."

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV

She was happy with it. I let out a breath I'd been holding since I found the house last month.

I couldn't explain it, how I just knew we belonged in this place the minute I saw it.

I had that damn thunderstorm to blame for it. I pulled off the main highway to wait out the monsoon and ended up finding the path that led down here. Erebos was the type to talk about fate and being in the right place at the right time, and for once I believed him.

The 'For Sale' sign posted on the window was like a beacon—I had to own this house. Had to live here with Bella.

Hell, I could see us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, for fuck's sake.

Everything after that moment seemed like a dream too good to be true. Bella had tried to give me a dream date. She thought she failed but it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.

And that tattoo. I shuddered at the memory. Fuck me, but seeing my artwork on her skin did things to me. Things that made the seclusion of this house a bonus.

I wanted to see how loud I could make her scream.

I was lost in the fantasy of fucking her on the front porch when she moved. Bella headed up to the door, and I followed.

Once inside, she stood in the entryway and smiled at me. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Home." It was the only thing I could think of when I saw it. Standing here, with her in my arms, I finally was home.

Bella looked around. I worried that the place was too small. It was bigger than her apartment but then so was the cab of that truck we were just riding in.

"You're already moved in," she laughed.

I shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, nervous energy."

I laughed. I hadn't slept the night before. I drove from Seattle and just started unpacking. I was like a fucking kid at Christmas.

"I wanted to make sure we had a bed already set up when you arrived."

Bella blushed, and I realized that sounded kinkier than I'd meant it to be.

"Because we'd be tired from moving," I tried to clarify.

She rolled her eyes and headed up the stairs. "That's really all you want to do Edward? Sleep?"

She winked over her shoulder at me and I hurried up the stairs behind her.

"You fucking know what I meant. I'll stop trying to play the chivalrous dude from now on."

She laughed out loud.

"Oh Edward, Edward wherefore art thou, you couthless motherfucker?" she yelled from the landing at the top of the stairs.

"Yo, bitch, let's go fuck our eyes out in that extra large king sized bed I set up before you got here," I replied, hoisting her over my shoulder on my way to the bedroom.

"You play the part so well," she grumbled.

I smacked her ass for good measure. "And later we can fuck on the sofa that I made sure to bring, too."

I debated whether I should complete the pseudo role play and toss her on the bed or if I should lower her down gently.

I opted for gentle.

I wanted this moment to be just right. We walked through the fucking fires of hell to get here. I'd be damned if we were going to take this moment for granted.

Bella slipped from my shoulder smoothly, landing on the balls of her feet and smiling up at me.

"Hello, gorgeous," I whispered. I ran my fingertips across her cheek. She ran her fingers through my hair. We just enjoyed standing there in each other's arms.

Time stood still.

There were no phone calls. No emails. No dinner parties.

No family to bug us.

No needs that we had to fulfill.

Just me and my girl.

My heart was beating so hard and fast that I swore she could hear it. There was no sound but her breath. Her occasional sigh. The shift of the fabric of her clothes rubbing against mine.

We swayed to an invisible melody.

"Can I undress you?" she whispered.

I nodded, smiling. Could there be a more perfect moment in life? Could there be a more perfect creature in this world than my girl?

Her fingers were shaking with nerves. I found it cute as fuck that she was on edge. She had me…there was no way for her to fuck up touching me. Just her existing in the same space that I was in was enough. Any touch from her was heaven.

She blushed as my skin started to peek from beneath my shirt. She was so fucking adorable. Bella and I had created a child together. You didn't get much more intimate than that.

But there she was… embarrassed about us seeing each other naked.

She pushed the sides of my shirt apart once her trembling fingers finished with my buttons. She ran her fingers along the scars on my side- following the one that led across my chest and up to my shoulder.

"Tell me about it…" she whispered.

Fuck me, is that her magic whisper?

"Tell you about what, baby?" I said, stepping forward and kissing her forehead. I snuck my fingers under the hem of her shirt to feel her skin at the base of her back.

Silky smooth.

"How you got these." Her eyes searched mine.

"You know how, Ed gave them to me." I brushed the hair from her face and ran my hands down the sides of her neck.

"But you've never told me how…told me… about the night it happened. How he…did it."

Her voice cracked. I watched her carefully. Why did she want to know about that now?

"Bella… what difference does it make? He hurt me. He hurt me a lot of times…in a lot of different ways. Ed was a fucking creative genius when it came to that shit."

She put her hand against the scars and stared straight in to my eyes—right into my soul. A moment past where suddenly I could feel walls inside of me crumbling down.

What the fuck was she doing?

"I had thirty two stitches," she said quietly. She stepped back, pulling off her shirt and stepping out of her pants. The pinkish smooth line across her lower stomach drew my eye.

I knew now what it was. I hadn't really seen it in the few years that we were together after she lost the baby. And I hadn't had a chance to process seeing it before I knew about the miscarriage.

"The doctors said I was lucky," she gave an ironic twist of her lips. "I could still have children. I had to go back… have the stitches removed."

She ran her hand along the line.

"You know…there were so many times in since that night that I wished… I could have felt them cut into me."

Tears welled in my eyes. Why was she doing this? Our moment was so perfect. We were about to christen our bedroom in our new home and she was dragging this… darkness in?

This shit was in the past.

Why bring it up now?

"I never got to feel the pain. They drugged me. They knocked me out… and when I woke up…I was numb. I wanted to feel the pain."

She took a step towards me. Instinctively, I stepped back—fear gripping me that I didn't understand.

"Why are you telling me this?" I breathed through tight, shaking lips.

"This is my scar, Edward. I need you to see it. To…" she reached out her hand and caught mine. I jumped at the contact but didn't resist her pulling me forward. She held my palm against the pink line across her body. "To touch it. I'm bringing this with me. And if I'm going to live here with you…then you're going to have to help me deal with it."

I pulled my hand back. I didn't have any shit that Bella would have to help me deal with.

I was over that shit.

Ed was dead and he wasn't going to hurt us anymore.

"Bella," I staggered back, hitting the backs of my knees on the bed and flopping into a sitting position. I tried to not look at her. "Thank you for trusting me with that…but… I don't need you to understand this. This," I said pointing to my scars, "this is dark shit that I never want to have touch you."

"But it will touch me, Edward. Your scar… it will lie against mine when we're in bed together."

My breath started to come in short, sharp pants. "I'm here for you, Edward. You don't have to keep it locked inside of you anymore."

I started shaking.

What the fuck was going on? Why did it bother me so fucking much to think about this? It hadn't bothered me for decades to think about this.

I could hear him…Ed was screaming downstairs.

Bottles breaking against a wall.

I felt my body rocking. I was in my closet.

Please God, don't let him find me here.

The door flew open and I screamed.

My heart stopped. I looked up to find green eyes bathing me in security.

Bella.

She was here. She'd keep me safe. I wasn't in pain with her around.

"It's okay, sweetheart," she was shushing and pleading with me. She wrapped her arms around me, and I sagged against her- my cheek pressed against her incision scar.

Oh God. Had I been talking about that shit out loud?

"No, Bella," I said, launching myself off the bed. I started pacing.

"I have to keep that shit away from you. You… It's in the past. It's not in our future. I'll never be like him. I'll never hurt you like that…" My eyes were wide with terror.

Oh God, please don't ever let her fear me like that. Please…no.

"I know you won't, Edward." I relaxed minutely at the total trust and faith in her voice.

I trusted Ed once, too.

I kept pacing.

Seeing my mom fucking some random dude on our couch. Hearing police sirens and feeling relief that we'd at least get a break from her skank ass for one night.

"It doesn't matter. It's over. It's done." I stopped, feeling completely drained. I had already fought this battle in Italy. I faced my inner Ed. I knew I'd never be him.

Why was she bringing this up now?

"I'm sorry," Bella pleaded. I drew in a sharp breath at the feel of her hands on my chest. I met her eyes with nothing but desolation in mine.

"You know it's all my fault, right?" I whispered.

She shook her head. She was crying. I'd made her cry.

I couldn't hold back my own tears anymore. "I have this… hell inside of me. I can't be good. It's all my fault…"

I sagged against her, and Bella grunted with the effort to get me back to the bed.

"Edward…you're scaring me. What are you talking about?"

I shook my head, falling on to my back. It was growing dark outside. I could still hear the rain hitting the windows.

I sighed to deepest, darkest place in my soul. "You would've been happy. You would've met this safe, boring, nice guy in high school. Fuck… maybe even Newton. Would've married him and had nice, cute, smart kids. But instead you met me. My fate is nothing but doom. So much bad shit following me around… if you'd never met me… you would've been so happy."

Bella shook her head in disbelief. I don't think this was what she expected when she gave me her trust about her scar. I was a fucking head case. What could I say?

"Edward," she cupped her hands around my cheeks as she spoke. Her eyes held mine and I found strength in the sincerity of her words. "I wouldn't give up one moment of pain. I wish we could go back and not have to live through such hell, yes."

Another tear slipped down her cheek. "But if being here with you, right now, like this comes with the price of what we've faced in our pasts…I'd pay it and gladly. If the only way I get to stay here with you is surviving what I've lived through…then that's a small price to pay."

I marveled up at the woman in my arms. There wasn't a chance in hell that I was worth a minute of her pain.

I opened my mouth to tell her as much.

"You're worth it, baby," she promised. "You said it yourself—a life without pain has to be a life without you. And there's no life without you, Edward."

"Bella," I mouthed, pulling her down to me.

I held her face in my hands in an echo her hold on me—angling her chin up and running my lips down the column of her neck.

"Thank you," I whispered into her flesh. I rolled her body under mine.

I ran my lips down to her shoulders. These shoulders had carried such burdens in the past.

No more.

We were a team now. We'd shoulder the future together.

We were two bodies moving as one. Her lips touched the B on my stomach and my fingers brushed the apple on her back.

Our tongues danced in harmony—sliding and probing. Moaned mixed together in the darkening room.

We explored every inch of each other. My fingers could not touch her enough. Her skin was a delicacy that I savored. Flavor. Texture. Warmth. Soft. I made a note of all of her tender areas—the ones that made her giggle and the ones that made her moan.

She turned me from side to side, and back to front. Like a child discovering a new treasure, Bella learned all the secrets of my body. She kissed along the scars that had caused my breakdown. A promise I was beginning to understand. She didn't want to hear about the monster who had marred my flesh. She wanted to help heal the little boy who had been cut.

When I entered her I truly understood home.

She knew my faults. She had seen my darkest pain.

And she wrapped herself around me in promise that she would love me no matter what.

How she could find pleasure in this act after what she had survived I didn't know. I was almost too afraid to hurt her. To push her too far. To set off her own self-preservation that would scream this will lead to pain again. How could I help her trust her body? I would spend the rest of my life helping Bella learn to love this temple as much as I did.

Sensation was born in the brain. It was possible for the mind to convince the body that climax was imminent without a touch ever registering against the skin.

I was released by the first touch, and I was soaring at each reminder that she was truly here, really mine…forever.

I had to agree with her. If had known that we would face what we had to at the start of our journey together, I would have denied myself a future with Bella to protect her. But now…looking back and knowing the heaven that it was to be here...

I would gladly suffer hell for her.

-**-Bookends-**-

BPOV

After we were done, lying spent in each other's arms, I pressed my ear to his chest.

"Ah," I sighed. His heart was beating strong and true. The sound made my own swell. How could it be possible that after so much pain and so many nights of sleeping in separate beds and living in separate lives that we would arrive back here in this moment of bliss?

"What are you thinking?" he whispered.

It made my face hurt with the stretch of my smile. He'd always been afraid to ask me that. Always been afraid to really know what was going on inside my head.

But he wasn't that Edward anymore.

"About you," I squeezed my arms around his waist and pressed my nose to his chest- inhaling that scent that was pure Edward. He squirmed as I burrowed my face into his taut skin. His hands were gripping my shoulders but not pushing me away. I rubbed the tip of my nose over the spot where his heart beat. He laughed and the sound made a giggle bubble up from my soul.

"I love you," I sighed and turned my head to look into his eyes. The combination of pride and warmth in his chocolate brown depths and the constant thump of his heart made me feel like I was melting. I was ceasing to be Isabella Swan... ceasing to be anything but a part of Edward. His image. His mind. His love and heart. And most of all his soul- they were the four walls of my world. Not in the way that I had once believed. My survival did not balance on Edward's broad shoulders. But my happiness did. I might not die if Edward was not with me but I knew that I would never smile again if I were alone.

Edward's body brought me back down to reality as I could feel Demon Eddie shifting against my thigh. I wondered if it were possible for all guys to be as ready to perform as Edward seemed to be. Then I laughed at the nickname.

"What?" he asked with wicked smirk. I rolled my eyes. He had no idea what I was thinking. As if begging for me to get the giggles, Demon Eddie twitched against me once more.

"Nothing," I tried to lie. He surveyed my face and raised a brow. I attempted to tease him, knowing it would just backfire in my face.

"I gave your…uh... quivering member a nickname," I giggled.

He smiled, big and toothy. "Yeah? And what, pray tell, is it?"

I shook my head. "Not telling you. It's a secret." I winked and he mock huffed.

"What do…I mean do you have a nickname for my…stuff?"

Edward chuckled and kissed my nose. "Your stuff? Bella, you make your girlie parts sound like what you have packed in boxes downstairs."

I shrugged. "Well?" I mimicked his look of interest.

Edward's eyes sparkled wickedly. "I call your boobs mine and your pussy fucking mine."

"Idiot."

He snickered. "I wanna hear the nickname. Does it have to do with size or sensation?"

My brow furrowed at the question. "Sensation?"

He shrugged. "You know like… the Orgasmnator or something."

"I hate to disappoint you but I didn't turn your dick into an action hero."

He busted up laughing as I blushed. "Fair enough…now come on…" He gave me that pouty look with the puppy dog eyes. "What did you name him?"

"I don't want to tell you. You'll forever tease me about it. And you'll just have more ammo for talking dirty in public."

"Please."

Fuck, there goes the super pout.

"Demon Eddie," I grumbled.

He snorted and started thrusting said mini demon against me like it was the devil's pitchfork.

"Cut it out," I whined.

"You'll always be a mystery to me, Bella Swan," he said, kissing my lips. He looked so damn happy—carefree. My chest swelled with the knowledge that I had made him feel that way.

"I don't think I'll ever figure your brain out."

"Hardwired by burnouts in shop class," I said, tapping my forehead and making a face. "Der…my circuits are fried."

He smirked.

"I know what you're thinking now," he said, bringing his finger up to my temple and running it down to my lips.

"What, smarty-pants?"

His crooked smile did little to draw my attention away from his eyes. They were wicked. A thrill of heat and anticipation lashed through me at the sight.

He moved slowly toward me- his eyes shifting between my lips and eyes. I drew in an unsteady breath.

He stopped. "Yep," he winked and suddenly my sides were assaulted in relentless tickles. I giggled and he laughed and we played—rolling about on the huge bed. Eventually he released me from that torture, only to capture my lips in just another form of sweet abuse.

Our shared moans nearly blocked out the sound of our phones.

We both sprang up and watched in confusion as Edward's Blackberry, my cell phone, the home phone and the computer alerted us to incoming correspondence.

"Have we been locked away from civilization that long?" I tried to joke. I glanced at the clock- it had been almost twenty four hours since we entered the house. We'd talked and teased, napped and played some more. And all of my junk was still out in the truck. I wanted to laugh at the thought but Edward was on edge.

He didn't try to mask his worry as his eyes darted to me. They swept quickly over my entire body and his hand clutched around my waist for a second- as if to prove that I was not the one in trouble.

He swallowed and nodded toward the technological offensive.

I headed for my phone and the home phone while he dove for his Blackberry and computer.

The home phone went to the answering machine and my phone went to voice mail. We turned to each other and said, at the same time as the answering machine announced, "Call Alice."

I sighed and sat on Edward's lap at the computer desk. He slung one arm around me protectively- never satisfied with any distance between us. I refused to feel guilty about that. Mainly because I would be a wallowing mess if I allowed everything I had done to Edward to affect me that way.

"She's not picking up." His voice was strained. I knew where his mind was going. It had to be Jazz. Alice wouldn't be that desperate to contact both of us, especially on the official moving weekend, for anything else. I wasn't sure what it could be though. Jazz wasn't notorious for getting into trouble. That was Edward's M.O.

I reached out and tapped the emails opened. She'd had time to send three. I blushed as I realized the first one was probably sent while Edward was proving to me that I was more flexible than I had thought.

After the first three words of the first email I was off Edward's lap and throwing on clothes.

COME HOME NOW!

Edward scrambled around me. His shirt was tangled with my bra. My pants were on the other side of the room while his socks were only God knew where. The phone must have gone to voice mail because as I pulled on my shoes Edward was shouting, "PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE, ALICE!"

He grumbled and finished getting dressed beside me. We were in the Vanquish and flying down the one oh one before I could catch my breath.

"Now, Edward," I warned. His fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter but he said nothing. I knew he was worried but killing us wouldn't help.

I laid my hand on his thigh- the car actually slowed noticeably.

"Bella," he breathed. His free hand closed over mine, and I started chanting comforting words.

"It's going to be okay. We have no idea what happened. Hell, you know Alice. This could be a trick to get us to come home for a party. Don't worry, Edward."

He turned to draw further comfort from my eyes.

"I love you, Edward. Everything else we can face together."

He nodded. I had no freaking clue where the words of strength were coming from other than he needed to hear them so I needed to say them. But on the inside I was freaking out all the more. What would we find had happened to Jazz? Alice had to be pretty scared to call us like that.

My mind was swirling with horrific scenarios all ending in the sight of Alice breaking down the way I had when my world ended. Jazz was with me that night. He got me through that. I couldn't lose him anymore than Edward and Alice could.

We were both out of the car before it stopped moving, or so it felt. There was no one outside either house when we got there. It was almost too eerie.

"The cars are all gone, Edward... what?" I shrugged but he was already running into the Cullen house.

I moved to follow him but something caught my eye. In the fading evening light, cast in shadow against the setting sun an object rocked back and forth in front of me. It was the swing that Em had built for me when we were kids. He had taken it down when I got older because he was afraid that it would break from weather exposure and he refused to let his little sister get hurt.

For some reason it was back up. I smiled at the memory of the simple treasure. He spent weeks measuring and cutting every piece of it. He proudly announced that no father was needed for the Swan kids to have fun. I wondered idly if he ever realized that he was my father. Every bear hug after a tear, every punch on the arm after a sigh, and every time he looked at me with pride in his eyes. Em was the best damn father anyone could have. This swing was proof of that.

I caught the sound of a loud thud in the house—drawing me from my thoughts of my big brother. Edward was the only big brother that I needed to look out for right now- mine could take care of himself. Edward would need someone to hold him while he faced whatever was happening to Jazz.

"Edward," I said quietly as I entered the kitchen. He was on his knees in front of the cabinets. He had a phone to his chest and tears were streaming down his face. He rocked slightly forward and back.

"Oh God," I said, drawing my hand to my chest. I rushed to his side. This couldn't be good.

Not Jazz... please not Jazz.

I put my hands on either side of his face pulling him into the loving promise of my eyes.

Share this with me, Edward. We can get through this together.

"Bella..." his voice strangled around his tears. I could feel my own falling unchecked. I nodded for him to continue.

"Bella..." he breathed again.

"What happened, Edward?" I tried to remain strong like I had in the car. I could do that for him. He needed me to...

"It's Em and Rose."

I froze.

I blinked.

The world wasn't making any sense.

"What is?" my feeble brain finally forced between my lips.

Edward swallowed—the power of support passing seamlessly to him from me as our brothers switched positions in possible harm.

I felt his hands secure around me. I sagged against the promise of his strength as I crumpled at his words.

"Their plane lost altitude while crossing the Atlantic. It plunged..." His arms fastened harder around me as I screamed a sob into his chest.

"They're gone, Bella. There were... no survivors."

Like a bulldozer hitting the side of a dam made of the finest glass, my chest broke open and the flood of anguish was released once more. I was consumed by pain so acute that I couldn't remember anything but the piercing sting of it upon my flesh.

My whole body was numb as ice and all the world was a flame.

I want my big brother.