Chapter 37 Epilogue
Matt sat, as always, uncomfortably in the chair opposite Jo. His palms were sweaty and his face felt hot as he explained to her how it had all come to an end.
"What happened when you saw Jennifer again?" Jo asked gently.
Matt exhaled, remembering the moment he had lost Jen forever. The moment he knew that no matter how he felt about her, no matter how close they sometimes seemed as friends, no matter how much she was concerned for him and his welfare, they would never be the pair he so wanted them to be. For a little while he had thought that maybe they could be, but that feeling had not lasted long.
Maybe I'm getting better
And I feel alive with you
"Nothing," he said simply. "I was waiting a little bit down the hall, waiting for her to come out of the consultation room. There were people everywhere…because of the bomb. Then Nick came from the opposite direction. They only had eyes for each other. They didn't even see me." He paused, remembering the soul destroying moment.
"I couldn't see if she'd been crying or not," he continued quietly explaining to Jo, who hung onto every word he spoke, completely drawn in by the story, and forgetting she was the psychologist for just a few moments. "But he held her in the way I'd always imagined myself holding her…" he trailed off, feeling the lump rising in his throat. He fought to push it back down.
Cos when he's lookin' she falls apart
"They held each other for a long time," he whispered, making Jo lean further forward in her chair in an effort to hear him. "Right there in the hallway. I just walked away. What else could I do? It wasn't my place to be there. They had all they needed right then."
"You just walked away?" Jo was sad to hear of his actions during the climax.
Matt nodded, very aware of the choice they had all made. "That was when I knew," he explained. "I'd been trying to push it away for so long, refusing to believe it. But I knew when she came out of that room that the only person she was looking for was him. Not me, the guy waiting twenty metres down the hall. I wasn't the one who'd just spent a week with her and only her, our lives in danger, so often nothing to do but talk and be alone together. I wasn't the one she'd just shared the most frightening time of her life with. So why would she want to see me? It was him she had the connection with now – built up and fine tuned during that time they spent undercover together."
Jo frowned sadly, taking it all in, for once lost for some reassuring words.
Matt shook his head and raised his eyebrows at her as he gave a little shrug of his shoulders. "There was no place for me in her life anymore," he clarified.
"Not even as friends?" Jo ventured.
Matt shrugged in answer. In the last week he had come to think of their friendship as simply a stepping stone towards a romantic relationship he one day hoped would eventuate. But if they couldn't be friends in the way they used to be – where Matt always hoped for something more because he still thought it might just be possible – it seemed stupid and pointless to be friends at all.
Jennifer now had her perfect life with Nick. The life that she had chosen. And Matt Ryan had been left behind, having missed his chance.
Song lyrics, by chapter:
1 Love Your Way, Powderfinger
16 Love the Way You Lie, Eminem and Rihanna
17 Wishes, Human Nature
22 Passenger, Powderfinger
24 Someday, Nickelback
25 Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen
27 Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen
27 Sober, Pink
27 Goldie's Theme, Cathi Ogden
27 Pictures of You, The Last Goodnight
29 F**kin' Perfect, Pink
31 Red, Daniel Merriweather
31 Careless, Paul Kelly
34 Lightning Crashes, Live
37 Baby I'm Getting Better, Gyroscope
37 Dance in the Dark, Lady Gaga