"You'll wallow in your shit, then you'll think you're happy." - Nirvana (Sappy)

37. Sappy

I was stretched out on my belly flipping through my issue of Rolling Stone when someone's presence invaded my bubble.

"Liz?" Lily's voice called quietly though my door.

I flicked my hand toward it, pulling it open. She came in and closed it behind her, then she just stopped.

I swiveled my head around to meet her gaze. "Are you checking out my ass?"

She smirked as her eyes roamed upwards to my face. "That booty, though."

I rolled my eyes and flipped over. "My eyes are up here," I joked.

"Last night was wild," she said as she flopped backwards onto my bed.

I laughed. "That tends to happen when I'm around. Did you meet Chris?"

"Which one was he? There were so many guys here and it's kind of a blur."

"He was the one that kept awkwardly floating back to your vicinity but was too chickenshit to talk to you."

"Oh," she giggled.

"So... are you a lesbian, or are you bisexual?" The question sounded a lot more confident coming out of my mouth than it should have. This was totally not my business, and I wouldn't have cared about the answer if not for what happened last night.

"I swing both ways. Why? Are you going to set me up with a hot wolf dude?"

"Would you be cool with it if I did?"

She smiled. "I'm not opposed to the idea." We were silent for a few moments before she sat up. "Jesus Christ. Your head is a mess today."

"Get out of my head, dick!"

"You don't have to fix the whole world, Liz. You're powerful, but you're just one person.

I waved my hand at her. "Just stop digging around my brain. That shit is annoying. My thoughts are mine."

"Fine, fine," she pouted. "Anyway, I wanted to do a spell with you."

"What kind?" I asked skeptically.

"Purely for fun... and prettiness," she promised.

"Okay." We sat knee-to-knee and clasped hands.

"Go to your happy place," she said.

I sighed. "Fucking hell, Lily."

"Just focus on Seth," she said, not letting my crappy mood affect her. A few seconds later, she told me to open my eyes.

My room was full of bright, twinkling colors, like teeny fairies were flying around in here.

"Bedazzle your world!" she exclaimed, waving her arms wide.

"This is fucking fabulous." She would some serious bank working drag shows. "Come in, Mark!" I yelled as I felt him approach my door. Lily faded the glittery lights until they were gone as he and I watched.

"Mind if we talk for a minute?" he asked nervously.

I looked at Lily, who nodded her head and left. "What's up?"

"Well, first of all... whoa, vampires," he put his hands up, but his voice was dripping sarcasm.

"I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but I was told it would lead to you being offed. So I kept it to myself," I shrugged. "I can't be responsible for your death twice."

"You and Seth have both given me that for my protection shit, Liz. I'm too deep for you to do that now." He lit a cigarette, his fingers shaking. "Besides, it's not like you could know what it would really lead to."

"I could, actually. I know someone that sees the future."

His eyes fell on me for the first time since yesterday and he visibly softened. "Can't you call them? Please?"

My phone was already ringing. "I think it's safe," Alice said, her opening statement. "I don't see anything resulting from you telling him the truth."

"I thought I blocked your visions..." I replied, confused.

"I can still see some things. I can see Mark interacting with you, what his decisions lead to."

"Oh. Thanks Alice," I sighed

"No problem," she practically sang.

"Alright," I said, hitting the end button on my phone. "Let's talk vampires."

I told him everything that I knew, everything about the Cullens and about the Volturi... everything about his mother. He stood there the whole time, listening intently, still as a stone. He didn't interrupt once, his face gave nothing away. Once I finished, he sat down on my bed next to me and hung his head.

"Why don't you want to live forever?" he finally asked. Not at all what I was expecting.

"I'm not afraid of dying anymore." Living is harder... I knew from experience. "Forever is too long."

He lifted his head and his jewel green eyes fell on mine, nearly stunning me in their intensity. I turned away and his hand caught my face. "Please... don't do that."

"Do what?" I said, because I didn't know how else to respond. I felt like things were about to be laid out plainly, and I really did not like that. My stomach was doing flips.

"Look, the last thing that I want is for things to get weird between us."

"Why would they?" I responded, still playing dumb. I just couldn't talk about this. I couldn't even think about it.

He took a very deep breath. "Liz - "

"Don't," I pleaded. "We really don't have to talk about this."

That seemed to strike an angry chord in him. "Fuck yes we do! We're going to talk about it, and then we're going to move the hell on. I can't stand you acting so weird towards me because of this!" He put a hand on each of my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "I love you. I am fucking crazy in love with you. It is what it is. I will not hit on you, or interfere in your relationship. I won't cause you any problems. I know where I stand with you... and I'm fine with it. Just don't distance yourself from me because you know how I feel now."

"I feel like I'm hurting you," I finally said. "Just by being around. Like I'm rubbing it in your face or something. And I'm worried that if we stay like this... you'll never move on."

"You're not hurting me. Putting a wall up when I'm around will hurt me." He brushed my bangs to the side and dropped his hands. "I'm not stupid, Liz. I know I'll never be with you as anything more than this. You and Seth are untouchable and I'd never even try to mess with that. I never wanted this to effect my relationship with either of you."

"So... you want me to just pretend I don't know?" I asked, cynical to the core.

"Yes, please," he answered dramatically.

I stared at him for a few moments and then shrugged my shoulders. "I can try that, I think. But," I sighed. "This is a lot to take in," I said carefully. "I really didn't think you saw me like that. As much as I want things to be the same as always between us, it's going to be in the back of my head."

His face crumpled. "Do you not want me around anymore?"

"Are you kidding? I just got you back, dumbass." I stuck my tongue out at him; I could not deal with all the things going on inside of me and have to look at that sad face at the same time. "I don't want you to go away. To be completely honest, if at some point I feel like our relationship is starting to have a negative impact on you or on me or Seth, I'll be the one to send you on your way. I won't like it, but that's how it is."

"I can accept that," he agreed with a smile.

I smirked at him for a moment and then threw my arms around him. We clearly had a very strange relationship, and it wasn't like I was enjoying the... complications. I just loved him. Not in the way that he loved me - and I was not even going to begin to entertain any thoughts of whether or not that would be the case if Seth was not in the picture - but loved him in my own way.

"So." I picked up my phone and tapped the screen a few times. "After I dropped you off the other day, before the madness began on my end, I got this."

He took my phone and read over the flyer, his smile growing wider. "I'm so fucking proud of you," he said. "Marilyn Manson! I want a backstage pass when I come see you."

"Well... actually, I was going to see if you wanted to come with. The whole tour, or however long you're comfortable being away from home."

He looked up at me slowly, totally stunned. "Are you serious?"

"I wouldn't kid around about such a thing."

He jumped up excitedly, but I shut it down.

"Wait. You'd have to work... everyone has to throw in to make this shit happen. And of course you'd be stuck in a van a lot of the time, and I guess I don't have to warn you about the lack of hygiene when you're on the road. You sure you're up for all of that?"

"Fuck yes I am."

I was having a quick shower when I heard my bedroom door opening later that day. I had a houseful again; my home was already a sort of party spot for a lot of the pack, and they were still feeling pumped from an easy victory yesterday. I was glad for it today.

I didn't want to be alone.

I stepped out of the scalding water and into Seth's waiting embrace. Everywhere we touched soaked his clothing through with water, but we stayed like that for a few minutes before he pulled away just enough to kiss me.

"I missed you," he whispered against my lips.

"I missed you, too. Why did you even go to work today?"

He smooched the tip of my nose and whipped a towel off the rack and around my shoulders. "I figured you might need some time." I stared at him quizzically until he finished the thought, "To talk to Mark."

I turned my guilty expression to the floor and my matte black, rhinestone encrusted toenails. "I don't have anything to talk to Mark about that I need you to leave for."

"Just seemed like the polite thing to do," he shrugged.

He locked our bedroom door before I started getting dressed. "We did talk. He basically promised he'd never actually try to get with me and said he still wants to be my BFFF."

"Three F's?"

"Best fucking friend forever." I started brushing the knots out of my hair, trying to avoid all of the little braids that ran the length of it. I could see his laughing face in the mirror before he sat, then laid down on the bed. I waited for him to comment on what I'd said, but he didn't. I didn't ask, either. Instead, I sat combing through my mane of hair and my mind slipped to an image that refused to leave the forefront of my mind.

This shit with Mark was more like a distraction to me today than an actual issue... especially after we had spoken about it. Resolving that left a ton of thinking space for the one thing I didn't want to think about: Lira. More specifically, what I'd done to Lira. She was awful, no doubt. I could maybe even tell myself that I'd done the world a favor by getting rid of her. The problem wasn't so much that I had killed her...

I pictured the blood spraying onto the grass and into the air around her as meaty chunks of her went flying, and I couldn't hide my disgust. The logical side of me said that I did what had to be done, but the emotional side of me knew that I'd done it in a manner that made me a monster.

Blood and gore would be my legacy.

"Elizabeth?" His mouth caressed my name, but his voice was full of concern. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"Fine never means fine. You don't have to pretend." He sat up and drew closer, wrapped his arms around me from behind. His lips touched my neck and my eyes fluttered closed. "Tell me where your mind is," he breathed against my skin.

"I can't stop picturing her," I said, my voice barely reaching above a whisper.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You were acting in defense of yourself and tons of others. Who knows how long that hag was wandering the Earth, killing innocent people?" He raised his head and met my eyes in the reflection of the mirror. "I know how it feels... like it's dirty and wrong. But it's just a part of what we have to do. We're protectors."

I half smiled. "Supernatural police."

He pecked my cheek. "I'm sorry this is something we ended up finding common ground on, but just so you know, you were so incredible yesterday. I knew you would be and you still surprised me." His eyes snapped towards the door and he eased himself back to his feet in one lithe movement.

"Baby?" I pouted.

"Pizza," he said with a smile.

After everyone had eaten and got at least a few beers in them, after we all hung out and played music and fucked off for awhile, I decided I did want to be alone. One second I was looking at my large impromptu family joyfully, the next I was lost in my head again. I needed a breather.

"Where are you going?" Seth touched my arm as I was passing.

"Bathroom," I made up on the spot. I went in and locked the door, then blinked myself to a cliff at First Beach.

I sat at the ledge, dangling my feet over. I smoked a cigarette and watched the ocean, stirring and thrashing violently against the rock wall below.

Then I stood up, spread my arms wide, and fell over the edge.