Chapter 35
Tim woke up, feeling more clear than he had in days. He moved his shoulder and winced. Okay, so not painless, but he felt so much better than he had that he didn't care about a little pain.
He didn't want to open his eyes but remembered that he was now in a hospital. Not just any hospital. Bethesda.
His family was here, although now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen his dad in a while. How long had he been here? One day? Two days? He didn't know. He had vague memories of getting here, but...
Where is Dad?
That thought was followed by another one.
Stop worrying about him. He's probably so sick of having to reassure me. He's here...somewhere.
"Tim? Are you awake?"
Tim opened his eyes very quickly and started to sit up.
"Dad."
Loren smiled.
"So you were awake. I thought I'd seen you move."
"Yeah." Tim looked at his dad. He was sitting rather stiffly beside the bed. Joan and Sarah were both gone somewhere, but his father was there...for the first time in a while.
"How are you feeling?"
"Much more awake which is good."
Loren smiled.
"What's wrong, Dad?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"The way you're sitting. You're not moving. Did something happen?"
Tim forced himself up.
"Dad, I can think and I can see. I'm not stupid."
"I never would make the mistake of thinking you were, Tim."
"Then, tell me, Dad. Something is wrong."
"Nothing is wrong...or at least, nothing is seriously wrong."
Tim made it to a sitting position. He looked at his father.
"Please, Dad. Don't hide whatever it is."
"You think you can take it, Tim?" Loren asked, seriously. "I don't want to make things worse."
Tim could hear something more in that. He met his father's gaze and he saw it. He saw it and he understood it because he had felt the exact same way. He reached out with his uninjured arm.
"Dad...you haven't. It's been years since I had anything to blame you for."
"No, you haven't. You've had years that I am to blame for."
Tim shook his head.
"No. Dad, you didn't know what they were doing...because I never told you."
"Exactly. You never told me and I just accepted it. ...and Tim, I ruined your life. I've watched what you can do, and...and you should never have been in the Navy. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I listened to you."
Tim didn't think Loren had ever been so expressive. Even when they had talked, there was a lot that was implied, danced around...and not said. He was seeing everything his father was feeling right now, and Tim wasn't sure he knew how to respond to such open emotion from his father.
"Dad..."
"No, let me say what I should have said a long time ago. Tim, I don't know how I let this become reality. I don't know how I fooled myself into thinking this was okay. The worst of it is that you have spent so much of your life afraid for me...and I assumed that things were all right for you, that they were as good as they could be."
To Tim's shock, suddenly, there were tears in Loren's eyes.
"Only to find that they were about as bad as they could be...and yet, you didn't blame me for it...and you should. Tim, I can't believe how long it took me to see around my ambition and my sense of family honor. ...and you deserve to hear that from me. I didn't do anything, and I could have. I should have, but I didn't. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for ruining your life."
"Dad, you didn't!" Tim said, almost afraid of seeing his father not fully in control of himself and everything around him. "It was... I can't...pretend that this has been something I enjoyed, but...but I have more that I can do. My life isn't ruined. You did so much to help me, and you didn't reject me when things went bad. I thought you would when they arrested me. And you didn't."
Loren started to turn away, and Tim grabbed his arm. The reaction wasn't what he'd expected. His father winced and rubbed at his chest.
"What happened, Dad?" Tim asked. "Tell me. ...or just show me."
"Tim...it's not necessary."
"Yes, it is."
Loren looked at him for a long moment and then, he nodded. Slowly, he unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing. Tim was horrified by the bruise he saw. The significance of its location was instantly apparent. A perfect shot. A horribly perfect shot.
"Dad..." he whispered. "You..."
"I was wearing a vest, Tim. The whole point was not for me to be killed, but to flush out that sniper. It worked. That's how they found him."
"That...could have killed you."
"Yes, it could have," Loren said. "I admit it, and it hurts a whole lot more than I thought it would, but I was willing to do it. It was my suggestion. To get you free."
"I wouldn't... I couldn't have..."
"I know you wouldn't want this to happen. Why do you think I didn't tell you? I'm only telling you now because I know you'd only imagine something worse."
Tim smiled weakly, and he had to admit that a few days ago, he would have freaked out, seeing what had happened. Now, it bothered him. A lot. But he was regaining his usual mental acuity and he could resist the temptation to fall apart. Tentatively, he reached out and touched the bruise, barely brushing the skin.
"I would have done that for Erin," he said. "If I could have put myself between her and the man who killed her. I would have done it in a second."
"You can't always save people, Tim," Loren said. "If you can't, that's no reason to blame yourself."
Tim looked up and smiled.
"That's right, Dad. Sometimes, you can't save people. Not even your own son. I don't blame you for my life because it wasn't your fault. You pushed and instead of pushing back, I snuck around. I paid the price for it."
"You didn't deserve that price, Tim."
"Maybe not, but you couldn't have saved me back then, Dad. I've seen a lot of what these people have done and could do. You couldn't have stopped it, even if you had tried. You didn't have the political pull that you would have needed."
Tim looked at the bruise again, right over his father's heart, and his own heart clenched at the thought of his father being killed...the very thing they'd always threatened him with. He leaned over and hugged Loren, hoping he wasn't hurting him too badly.
"I love you, Dad," he said. "That won't change."
There was a moment of hesitation. Tim knew that his father wasn't generally so explicit in how he felt, but then, Loren hugged him back.
"I love you, too, Tim."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Gibbs walked through the park over to a bench. He sat down and waited.
He didn't have long to wait.
"She didn't fire me."
Gibbs turned and smiled at Fornell as he sat down.
"I didn't think she would."
"She wishes she could fire you."
"She wouldn't fire me, either...because she would know that it's better to have me where she can see me than to have me out of sight."
Fornell grimaced and didn't reply.
"Lander and Mellon?"
"DARPA handed them over to us, for now. They're in holding, still in shock that they were caught. Trying to deny everything. DARPA is going through everything to shut down the whole operation."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Too much risk for uncertain returns. They might keep records of the results but the program will be destroyed."
"Do they know about Tim McGee?"
"Probably, but so far as we've been able to tell, there's no one else who has the interest, need or ability to go after any of the McGees. We'll keep looking, but I think they're in the clear. Lander was paying for some people, but they were just being paid. So there's no reason for them to keep anything up. They're willing to give testimony against Lander and Mellon in exchange for leniency."
"Good."
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. Then, Gibbs gave in to his curiosity.
"Why, Tobias?"
"Why what?"
"Why give up your best card for this?"
"Had to use it sometime. Don't want to let it go to waste. No good if the card gets too old."
"The only way that card would have aged would be if she died. Why?"
Fornell took a breath and stared out at the park.
"Because Tim McGee has never been able to do this."
"What?"
"Sit on a bench, in a park, without being in someone's control. No one controls me, Gibbs. I don't control anyone else, either. Oh, I have people who owe me, but that's different. My life is my own, and no one should be in a situation where they can't say that. Tim McGee has been for most of his life, in the midst of people who had no idea, and the crap he has to work through will take a long time. When I talked to him, I saw someone who had been stomped on for so long that he was going to be lost. He doesn't even know how it feels not to be stomped on. Didn't want that to happen if I could stop it. I could."
"Kinda mushy of you, Tobias."
Fornell smiled. "Maybe. Good thing for you. You NCIS people couldn't have managed it."
Gibbs chuckled.
"Now, what?" Fornell asked.
"Now, he gets that chance, and Ducky's going to make sure he takes it."
"Good choice."
"No one else could do it."
"At least not as effectively."
Fornell nodded and stood up.
"DARPA isn't happy about all this, but we got them in the right situation and they'll do the right thing. ...grudgingly."
"It's nice that something gets them to do that."
Fornell shrugged. "They're politicians. You may not like them, Gibbs, but they call the shots and they can be reminded of their humanity every so often."
Gibbs laughed and stood.
"Tobias?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Fornell smiled. "You're welcome, Jethro. ...and don't forget. You owe me."
"Big time," Gibbs said.
Fornell nodded and walked away. Gibbs watched him go and then headed to work. He still had a job to do, now that he didn't have to worry about the McGee family.
...or at least, he didn't have to worry about their lives.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Two days later...
Tim was finally feeling recovered enough that he was frustrated with his physical debility rather than his mental fog. He shifted in the hospital bed. While he didn't like being injured, he really didn't mind being in the hospital. What was out there for him, now? He had no job...and his job had been his whole life for more than a decade. And then, his mind went back to Erin yet again. As he had recovered, she had been in his mind more and more. If the panic and fear had been good for anything, it had prevented his feeling the grief of her death. Now... he kept seeing what he could have had with her and never would. He kept thinking about the fact that he was now free to do whatever he wanted and what he wanted most he couldn't have.
He couldn't have Erin.
There was a knock on his door.
"Come in," he said.
"Good afternoon, Timothy. You're looking much better."
Tim looked up in surprise.
"Dr. Mallard... What are you doing here?"
"Visiting you, actually."
"Right. I promise, I am thinking clearly now," Tim said. "I'm not as ridiculous as I was. I just... You're free of me, now. You don't have to come and watch over me. Even the FBI is pretty much ready to leave. They're only here as a precaution."
Ducky smiled and sat down.
"I don't think you were ridiculous before, Timothy. You had a series of traumatic shocks, plus a serious and traumatic injury all in a very short period of time. I wouldn't have expected you to remain at the top of your game in that situation. I also know that I don't have to be here. I'm here because I want to be. In fact, whether you are aware of it or not, I've been here every day."
"You have?"
"Yes."
Tim's brow furrowed.
"Why?"
"Because I care about how you're doing."
"But why? You wanted to get me free. I'm grateful for that, but you've done it. There's no reason for you to worry about me anymore."
"Actually, there is."
"What reason?"
"What are you going to do when you leave here?"
"I don't know," Tim said, honestly. "I don't have any plans, right now."
"That's why I'm worried."
The furrow deepened.
"I have time."
"Yes, you do, but I'm worried that you won't take it."
"What do you mean? Of course, I'll take it," Tim said, feeling a little defensive.
"Timothy, I'm not trying to upset you."
"Then, what are you trying to do?"
"I'm worried that you will fall into what you're used to."
"Which is?"
"Having no choices. Being stuck with what there is and not able to find something else because you're not allowed to change. Timothy, even when you had the chance to engage in escapist entertainment, you still trapped yourself."
"What?" Tim asked, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"That role-playing game in which Abigail met you."
"It was a game."
"Yes. A game that people use to escape from their daily lives...and you brought your prison with you. You bound your character in chains."
"It's just a game!"
"No, Timothy. It's not, and you know it's not. You are much too intelligent to be unaware of what you had done and why you did it."
"Dr. Mallard...why do you care so much about me and what I do or don't do with my life?"
"You have lost a lot of time through no fault of your own, and I don't want you to lose any more time simply because you don't know how to use it."
"Then, what do I do?" Tim asked. "I don't have a job. I don't have a resume that will do me any good. I don't have any education beyond high school. It's a little late to be starting college, and I'm not sure that anyone would want to admit a random grown man who can't talk about any of his experience. I'm glad to be free of what was I doing before, don't get me wrong. ...but I don't have anything now. ...not even Erin."
"She was your freedom," Ducky said.
Tim nodded. "With her...I wouldn't have done this. I would have been free enough if she had..." He swallowed and took a deep breath. "I almost wish that I still had other things to worry about. Then, I wouldn't have to remember her."
Ducky squeezed Tim's uninjured shoulder.
"No one can fully understand another's pain, but I can empathize. You have lost more than a job."
Tim nodded again.
"While you can't get her back, there is much that you can achieve, but you have to be able to open your mind to it. Don't hold yourself back out of fear or guilt. While I didn't know Erin Kendall, if she felt about you as you obviously feel about her, she would want you to take control of your life and be happy."
"Easier said than done," Tim said.
"Yes. That's very true, but the key is that it is done."
Tim leaned back and stared at the ceiling. No one had even addressed his future up to now. His family was too focused on the fact that he was free, that they didn't have to worry about him. Gibbs had come by once to check on him, but that was it.
"What I want you to know is that you have the chance to have a real life, and I am offering myself up for help if you want or need it."
Tim looked at Ducky again, remembering how Ducky had been so insistent on helping him when Tim had tried to refuse his help. Here he was again, offering his help when Tim hadn't even considered wanting help.
"Thank you... Dr. Mallard."
"My pleasure, Timothy."
"I need to think."
"Of course. You haven't had as much time for thinking as I'm sure you want. You can call me at any time if you wish to talk. I won't even give advice if you don't want it."
Tim smiled.
"Thank you, Dr. Mallard."
"And, if you wish, you don't have to call me Dr. Mallard. You may call me Ducky. ...but only if you want to."
"Okay. Thanks."
Ducky smiled as if he could see Tim's reluctance to be so familiar and he understood it. Maybe he really did. He seemed to understand Tim's mind more than Tim himself did at times. Ducky patted Tim's shoulder and let himself out.
Alone again, Tim leaned back and started thinking about what Ducky had said.
...it was hard.
There was too much crap in there, too much that was keeping him from thinking as he should. How could he really think with that stuff?