Oh, fuck.

What did Connor need to tell him? Murphy felt his blood run cold & his stomach drop, his heart was in danger of exploding from fear. He tried not to jump to conclusions, he tried not to think the worst, he tried not to think Connor was about to tell him they'd made the worst mistake of their lives. All they did was kiss, how bad was that? Okay, so Murphy grinded his erection into Connor again, but that's not so bad, not when someone is in love, right?

But they're brothers. It's a sin, the worst one ever. Being in love with your brother is bad enough but they never should have acted on it. Doing what they did was unforgivable, even kissing was wrong. But still…..sin or no sin, Murphy would do it all again without hesitation, every bit of it.

Connor still had his arms wrapped around Murphy's waist and he kissed his brother's bare shoulder, a sweet kiss, a lingering kiss, a kiss that made Murphy close his eyes & want more. How could a kiss ever be a mistake? It didn't feel like a mistake, it would never feel like a mistake to Murphy, not ever, not if the kiss was from Connor.

Connor pressed his chest harder against Murphy's back & he pushed his nose through Murphy's hair, his breath a hot whisper in his brother's ear. "Come on, we need to talk." Connor began to pull back just as Murphy clutched at his hands, holding them in place against his stomach, not letting the warmth of Connor's body leave his. Murphy wanted to stay like this, he needed to feel Connor against him for just a moment longer before he'd let him go.

"Murph," Connor whispered, understanding his brother's fear on an instinctual level even as he felt the desperate clawing of Murphy's nails on his skin. He noticed how Murphy trembled in his hands, how his pale face lost what little color it had, how white his knuckles were. "It's nothing bad, okay? Come on, let me go."

With a soft sigh, Murphy released his tight grip on Connor, allowing the comforting feeling of his twin's body to move away. Connor's hand found his & he allowed himself to be led back to their room, his brother smiling at him from over his shoulder as he tried to put Murphy at ease.

When they reached the bed, Connor released his hand & motioned for Murphy to sit, watching his brother's graceful movements with unblinking eyes. Murphy paused to glance at his bed, his eyes warming when he noticed how rumpled his bedspread was, his lips tingling with the memory of his brother's soft kisses. His tongue ran across his lips, disappointed he could no longer taste Connor's mouth, not noticing how this action distracted his twin.

Shit, Murphy was driving him insane. How could someone be so oblivious to how sexy they were, how incredibly erotic a simple lick of his lips was? But as much as Murphy could work Connor, this was no act, this was simply Murphy being Murphy. And it was fucking sexy. The more Connor watched Murphy the more he wanted him, the more he wanted to throw him on that bed & see exactly what turned him on, the more he wanted to feel Murphy's body moving beneath his.

Murphy sat on his bed & he looked up at his brother, his blue eyes eager, his mouth a slight smile as he waited for Connor to join him. After a moment, Murphy's hand patted the spot on the bed next to him, fully expecting Connor to take the invitation, fully intending to kiss those perfect lips once again.

His smile faded when Connor took a step backward, moving toward his own bed across from Murphy's and slowly sitting down. Murphy looked down at his hands & he began to pick at his nails just so he wouldn't have to see that look of rejection in his brother's eyes.

He knew it, he fucking knew it. Connor had time to think & he changed his mind, Murphy fucking knew it would happen. Connor had kissed him without realizing what he was doing, he'd been tempted, or maybe he was just curious. And now he realized what a big sin it was, kissing his brother and all. Murphy supposed the reason didn't really matter, the outcome was the same. Connor changed his mind.

"I think it's better if I sit over here," Connor's voice sounded apologetic, as if he needed to soften the blow that was about to be dealt to his younger brother.

Murphy nodded slowly and pressed his lips together. He nodded as if he understood but in reality, he didn't, not one fucking bit. All he knew was it hurt more than anything and it was about to get worse. He just knew Connor was about to break his heart, he was about to tell him what they did was a sin that could never be repeated…..Connor was about to dump him.

Connor smiled at his brother's confusion, it was obvious to him that Murphy's doubts & fears were quickly taking control. He didn't realize until now just how insecure and shy his twin could be and in some strange way, it was endearing to see this side of Murphy. His brother had hidden so much of himself for so long but after their first kiss, he'd given Connor a glimpse of himself that Connor had never seen before. And he found it not only intriguing but also attractive and kind of sexy. He couldn't help but wonder what else he didn't know about Murph and he couldn't wait to find out.

"I want to kiss you Murphy, so fucking bad."

Murphy's head shot up, a look of complete surprise on his face as he looked at his brother. He had to have heard wrong, Connor didn't want to kiss him, he was dumping him. "Huh?"

"You heard me."

Murphy heard him, he just didn't believe him. "You want to kiss me? Really?"

"Yeah…..really."

Murphy's entire body seemed to relax, the creases on his forehead smoothed, his visible shaking diminished. Murphy's eyes seemed to sparkle when they connected with Connor's, he no longer had to hide his love, he could let Connor see it. Murphy smiled, he felt happy. Connor wanted to kiss him.

"Then why are you over there? You should be over here," Murphy reasoned, again patting the bed with his hand, "with me."

Connor shook his head and smiled, his eyes darting to Murphy's mouth before he even realized it. It took all of Connor's strength not to go to his brother & make him moan like he had hours earlier. "You tempt me, brother mine. But no, I'm staying over here."

Murphy couldn't hide the look of disappointment on his face. Connor said he wanted to kiss him but then he'd refused Murphy's invitation, he called him a temptation. Was that all he was, just something to tempt his brother?

"What's wrong, Murph?"

Murphy shrugged and chewed his lip for a moment while his brother patiently waited, sometimes it took Murphy a few minutes before he'd tell Connor what was on his mind. "Are you just curious, Connor? Is that why you want to kiss me? Because you're curious?"

Now it was Connor's turn to be confused. Yes, he was curious about his brother. He was curious about what Murphy liked, what he wanted, what he dreamt of…..what he'd be like as a lover. Connor was curious about all the things he didn't know about Murph but he didn't think that's what his brother was implying.

Murphy's voice was quiet, the same voice he used when he was trying not to cry. "Jonathan told me all about it. He said some straight guys just want to kiss another guy to see what it's like. It's called bi-curious."

Connor tried to be patient, Murphy just broke up with Jonathan only a couple hours earlier and he was probably still hurting in some way. Connor tried to keep his cool but it was difficult, he knew his words would sound snotty but he just couldn't help it, his dislike for Jonathan colored his response.

"Oh, Jonathan told you about it. Well that explains why you're all fucked up with your thinking."

Murphy shifted on the bed & Connor thought for a moment he was about to leave but Murphy stayed put, his words sounding slightly defensive. "I'm not fucked up with my thinking, Connor. It's a real thing. Just because Jonathan told me about it doesn't make it any less real. And I deserve to know if you're bi-curious, if you just kissed me to see what it was like."

Connor closed his eyes for a moment, wishing Murphy had never met Jonathan, he'd never doubt this situation if Jonathan hadn't put those thoughts in his mind. He opened his eyes to see Murphy watching him. "I'm not bi-curious, Murph. I didn't use you just to see what it's like to kiss a guy, okay?"

"Okay," Murphy said softly, trying his best to believe his brother. "I just thought you liked girls, s'all. I mean, you have a girlfriend, Connor. Or did you forget?" Secretly, Murphy hoped that after Connor kissed him, he'd forget all about Katie.

"I don't have a girlfriend. We broke up the same night you went out with Jonathan for the first time."

Connor's words shocked Murphy, he thought Connor was still dating Katie. He felt a wave of happiness that he couldn't hide…..Connor was available. He tried not to smile & he dipped his head to try to hide his smile from his brother. "What happened? Why'd you break up?"

Connor wanted to tell Murphy all about it, how Katie thought Murphy was in love with him, how she started him thinking, how he broke up with her because he couldn't get Murphy off his mind. But Murphy had just told Connor he was gay, he hadn't told him he was in love with him yet. And if Connor learned anything after Murphy's freak out earlier that day, he learned not to push Murphy too hard. He needed to spare his twin any further emotional trauma. He needed to protect him.

"Well…..just like what happened with you and Jonathan. It's private."

Murphy slowly nodded, he couldn't argue with Connor, not after he sent his brother away with those very same words. The ironic thing was, to Murphy, what happened with Jonathan had only been private because he still harbored a secret love for his twin. Otherwise, he'd tell Connor everything.

"Do you remember Brian?"

Murphy scrunched his face, why the fuck was Connor changing the subject? He nodded, remembering how much he hated Brian. For about three months when they were sixteen, Connor spent every spare minute with Brian, much to Murphy's dismay. Then all of a sudden, Brian just wasn't around anymore. Connor never did tell Murphy why they were no longer friends and he really didn't care, he was just happy he was gone.

"Brian was my boyfriend, Murph," Connor said with the slightest laugh, watching his brother's face reflect his utter amazement. "I'm not bi-curious, I think I'm more straight curious. Katie and I never would have worked out, she's not really my type."

Murphy smirked, how Connor acted around Brian made sense now. And how jealous Murphy had been made sense, too, he must have known on some level that they were more than just friends. "Why…..why…..fuck, Connor. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Connor shot back, not in a nasty way but in a way that made Murphy realize he'd done the exact same thing. He kept his sexual attraction to the same sex a secret, just like Connor had. "Shit, we were only 16 and I didn't want to lay all that on you. That's about the same time Ma had you going to see Father O'Shea every day for months after she caught you jerking off to that dirty movie, remember?"

Redness colored Murphy's face in the span of two seconds flat. He remembered that movie fondly, the guy in it reminded him of Connor. Murphy watched that movie about a million times and he jerked off about a million times too, each time thinking of his brother. And when his Ma had caught him, dick in hand, he had wanted to die.

"I never told you but it was a gay movie, Connor. When Ma caught me wanking, she saw what I was watching."

"Are you sure?"

Murphy nodded sadly, his eyes pained as he remembered his mother's reaction...how she screamed at him & called him sick, how she cried & begged him to be "normal," then finally how she scared him with the threat of God's wrath & dragged him to the priest. "She knew."

Connor could only imagine how terrible it must have been for his brother to be outed in such a way and then forced to talk to a priest every day thereafter. He could see the pain that still lingered in his brother's eyes, even after all this time. "Fucking hell, Murph. I'm so sorry. I wish you had told me, I could have helped you."

Murphy shrugged, trying to dismiss the situation, one thing he never wanted was pity. "It's okay. I should have told you a long time ago."

"Me too, Murph. Me too."

The brothers stared at each other, seeing the other in a new light, their mouths in slight smiles until Connor again spoke up.

"Okay, Murph, enough of this fucking around. I have a few things to tell you."

Leave it to Connor to cut through the bullshit. Murphy braced himself for whatever Connor had to say, his leg bouncing rapidly up and down with nervous energy, his eyes glued to Connor's as he tried not to lose his shit.

"I want to get to know you, Murph."

Murphy laughed, thinking his brother was crazy…..talk about someone losing their shit. "No one knows me better than you, Connor."

"Bullshit. Jonathan knows you better than I do."

Murphy felt like he'd been slapped across the face, it stung to hear Connor say Jonathan knew him better. He shook his head rapidly, muttering his denial. "No, Connor, he doesn't. How could you even think that? He barely knows me at all. You know me so much better than he ever could."

"Murph…..I just learned today how you kiss. Jonathan already knew that. He knows how you are on a date, how you flirt, how you like to be touched. He knows things about you only a boyfriend would know. Things I have no idea about."

Murphy swallowed as he considered Connor's words. They made sense, he kept his true nature and his love hidden from his brother his entire life, Connor didn't know any of those things about him. Truth be told, he didn't know any of those things about Connor either.

"I know 'Murphy my brother' probably better that he knows himself. And he can be a royal pain in my ass most days. And he'd say the same about me." Murphy smiled & nodded when Connor paused, not knowing where he was going with this train of thought. "But I want to know 'Murphy my boyfriend.' I want to kiss 'Murphy the hot boy I'm dating.' But above all, I want to be with 'Murphy my love.' Do you understand?"

Connor watched Murphy's eyes slowly fill with tears as he realized the gravity of the words Connor spoke from his heart. Murphy never expected this, he didn't see this coming, this morning everything had been so different. This morning Jonathan was his boyfriend, this morning Connor didn't even know he was gay, this morning Murphy had no idea what true happiness felt like. And now his life was completely different…..Connor wanted to date him, he wanted to be with him, Connor called Murphy his love.

Murphy bit his lip and beamed at Connor, a tear running down his face. "I don't think I've ever been happier in my whole life, not ever."

Connor leaned forward & wiped the tear from Murphy's face, "I hate when you cry, Murph."

They spent the next hour talking and laughing, smiling & holding hands, Connor telling Murphy he was taking him out on their first date tomorrow night but refusing to say where. Connor had never seen Murphy so happy before & he couldn't get enough of how his twin practically glowed, he hung on every word Murphy said, his eyes never leaving his animated face.

Connor reached up & began pushing at Murphy's hair, moving it around his head, laughing at how unruly it was. Finally he gave up with a heavy sigh. "Your hair is possessed, Murph."

"It does what the fuck it wants, remember?"

Connor remembered, "Just like you, Murph."

"So what do we do now?" Murphy couldn't help but ask, wondering what the next step should be in this unchartered territory called a relationship.

Connor stood & stretched, Murphy looking at the long lean lines of his body, hoping Connor might want to do something more than just talk. "I have to leave for a bit."

Of all the things Connor might have said, all the things he might want to do, leaving never crossed Murphy's mind. "Oh."

Connor laughed, his twin's insecurity still rearing its ugly head. "I'll be back, Murph. I need to take care of a few things for our date."

Murphy didn't want Connor to go, he wanted him to stay and talk, to stay and hold him, to stay and kiss him. But Connor couldn't be dissuaded, not even by Murphy's pleading eyes & enticing mouth….he had things to do to make their date special. Murphy watched his twin lace his sneakers & put on a jacket, Connor smiling at him gently before his protective older brother persona again appeared.

"You're dirty & you haven't eaten all day, Murph. You need to take a shower & wash Jonathan's stink off you. I don't want you smelling like him anymore, I want you smelling like you."

Murphy nodded, knowing Connor was serious even though he tried to make his voice sound light hearted. Murphy didn't realize he smelled like Jonathan but of course he would, he'd slept in his bed. Murphy noticed the distinctive spicy scent now, it was all over him. He was surprised Connor didn't say anything about it before now.

"I'm sorry, Conn….I didn't—"

"It's okay. Just wash it off. And when you're done, I want you to eat something. All right?"

Murphy quickly agreed, his head nodding in affirmation. Connor walked up to him, not quite knowing how he should say goodbye, their usual wave or punch in the arm no longer seemed appropriate given what they were about to become to each other.

Murphy was looking up at him, his eyes hopeful & expectant, wanting Connor to take the lead on this. So he did. Connor bent his head & gently kissed Murphy's lips. He didn't touch Murphy with his hands, only his lips. But Murphy touched, he couldn't keep his hands off his brother, his hands going to Connor's face, his neck, his hair. His hands stroked every part of Connor that he touched. Their kiss was all too brief, but for both of them, an eternity would be all too brief.

And then Connor left the room, Murphy listening to his brother move around downstairs for a bit before he quietly walked out the front door. He went to the window & watched Connor walk toward town, toward whatever errands he had to do before their date. Connor glanced at the window, knowing Murphy would be there, and they waved at each other in unison.

He stayed at the window watching Connor until he could no longer see him and then he watched a bit more, imagining him still there. With a heavy sigh, he briefly leaned his forehead against the glass before making his way to the shower. He scrubbed every inch of his body and washed his hair three times, he'd never make Connor smell another man on him again and he didn't leave the shower until the water turned cold.

After dressing & trying to get his hair to behave, he made his way to the kitchen, wishing Connor was here to eat with him. He hated being home without his brother but at least his mother had left hours earlier for work, so at least he'd have peace. When he turned on the overhead light, he stared at the table in shock.

A red rose from their garden was sitting in the middle of a white plate, an envelope resting next to the plate with the letter "M" written on it. Murphy picked up the rose & smelled it, wondering how Connor got the rose without him hearing the back door. He quickly opened the envelope, smiling at how carefully Connor had written the note, usually his penmanship looked like chicken scratch but this, this was written with diligence.

Murph…..

Food's in the oven. I'll be coming home to you, Murph. Wait for me.

Conn

Murphy placed the note on the table next to the rose & he took the pot from the oven, smelling the wonderful aroma of baked macaroni & cheese, one of his favorite meals. When he took the lid off the pot, tears filled his eyes and ran down his cheeks. He knew Connor was the most caring & thoughtful person he'd ever known, and now he knew he was also the most romantic. Connor had taken bread crumbs and made a perfectly shaped heart over the top of the cheese, just for Murphy. Murphy ate his meal thinking of Connor the entire time, reading his note over and over, smiling with the joy he never imagined he'd ever feel.

When Connor returned home hours later, when he came home to Murphy, he couldn't help but stare with affection and a hint of amusement. Murphy had waited for him on the couch, holding the rose in one hand and the note in the other, but he'd been so exhausted that he'd fallen asleep sitting up.

Connor watched Murphy sleep for a few minutes, sitting next to him carefully so as not to wake him and he gently took the note & rose from Murphy's hands. Murphy's head was tilted at a funny angle & Connor couldn't leave him like this, he needed to get him to bed where he'd be more comfortable.

"Murph," Connor whispered softly before he gently kissed his lips, feeling Murphy move against his mouth just before he pulled back. "Wake up, sleepy head."

"Conn….." Murphy mumbled as he opened his eyes & looked sleepily at his brother. "Hi."

"Hi."

Murphy rubbed at his eyes as he struggled to wake up, his eyes heavy, his words slow. He looked like he could fall back asleep at any moment. "M'sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

Connor stood & held out his hand, motioning for his brother to reach for him. "It's okay, you're exhausted. Come on, let's go."

"Where?"

"I'm putting you to bed, Murph. I want you well rested for our date tomorrow night. I've got big plans for us."