Friends, lovers and readers! I regret to announce that I will have to go all Glee on your asses... I'm going on a week long trip with my school and I tried to twist and turn it so that I'd be able to keep the updates coming anyway, but sadly I have been unsuccessful. Which means a tiny little hiatus until next Sunday. But let's not worry about that and just think about tonight ;)

CHAPTER 37

"Love is thicker than ketchup"

March 22nd

Brittany had been so distant lately. She had been a little lost in her thoughts and not as happy and smiley as Santana was used to seeing her. Given the circumstances it was very understandable and Santana tried everything to support and help her, but Brittany kept insisting that nothing was wrong which made it really difficult.

There had been no talk of another wedding and there hadn't been any sex either. Not that Santana really needed those things but the absence of them made it even more clear that Brittany wasn't okay. Brittany still hadn't talked about it despite Santana ensuring, time after time, that she was there to listen anytime, any place, always.

Instead Brittany spent a lot of time on the phone with the people investigating her mother's case and Santana could see her being so frustrated with never knowing enough. The remains had been sent to an anthropologist and a few things could however be determined.

The body had been in the wall for approximately 20-25 years which fit the time of the disappearing. There were signs of long-term drug use but the cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head. Santana had no idea how any of this was found out but she imagined someone like Dr. Brennan in a super high-tech lab looking at the bones and stuff. After the examination a funeral had been held. Santana had hoped that that would offer Brittany some closure but it was like Brittany wasn't even there.

Sometimes Santana woke up in the middle of the night without Brittany beside her, and when she tiptoed up she found Brittany crying in the bathroom or on the couch. Santana tried everything. Singing to her, reading to her, making her hot chocolates, bringing her blankets, just sitting with her, but every time ended with Brittany saying that she 'just needed to be alone for a while' and Santana going back to a cold, lonely bed.

This morning when they woke up it was obvious Brittany woke up on the wrong side. She also didn't wake up on Santana's side of the bed, which meant Santana woke up without Brittany's arms around her which meant Santana woke up on the wrong side too. Santana read her mornings like they were horoscopes and whenever Brittany was turned away from her or not even in the same bed Santana knew the day would be a little shittier than usual.

Santana bent down to look at the fries she was heating in the oven. She had brought home a crappy fast food meal in hopes that that would make Brittany a little happier. They hadn't talked that much today and Santana was desperately grasping at straws but they kept snapping off. So she gave Brittany some space for a couple of hours and went shopping. When she came back Brittany was sleeping and she didn't want to wake the blonde, even if it would have been to feed her.

But when Santana heard the shower running she decided to heat the meals she had bought for them. Except re-heating turned in to just adding a few spices which turned into just adding a few ingredients and now she had pretty much changed the whole dish. For the better though. Brittany came into the kitchen in pale jeans and a green tank top. Her blonde hair was wet and made the top darker wherever the water dripped on it.

"Hi." Santana said tentatively. Brittany nodded hello but didn't say anything. She went to the fridge.

"Are you hungry, baby?" Santana asked despite it seeming rather obvious.

"Yeah…" Brittany answered hesitantly and looked through all the shelves in the fridge.

"I have fries and burgers… if you want?" Santana offered, still carefully, since Brittany seemed to be in a very reserved mood. Brittany smiled with her lips but it didn't spill over in the rest of her face or her eyes.

"Yummy."

At least she said something positive, Santana thought.

"Two minutes." Santana said with a kind smile and bent down to look at the fries again. Brittany set the table for two and pretty soon Santana came with the food. As soon as Santana sat down Brittany stood up. When she came back she had the ketchup in her hand.

"You can't have ketchup." Santana stated like it was a crime of some sort.

"Why not?" Brittany questioned and sat down again.

"I made this dipping sauce. It's really good." Santana explained. She wasn't a big fan of ketchup herself. It just kind of overpowered all the flavours and took over the dish.

"I'm in the mood for ketchup." Brittany argued.

"But the fries will go better-"

"I want ketchup."

"No, but I added-"

"Geez, Santana! Would you just let me eat the fucking ketchup?" Brittany hollered, interrupting Santana for the second time. Santana sat with her mouth open, trying to process the fact that Brittany just yelled at her. With a curse word no less. Lately that hadn't been all that unusual but Santana still couldn't get used to it.

"Yeah, of course." Santana said quietly with half a shake of the head. She wanted to kick herself. She knew better than to push Brittany like this. She redirected her attention to the food on her plate and after adding a big red blob of the sugary tomato purée; Brittany did the same.

They ate in silence. Santana almost wanted to leave the table. She wasn't sure where she could look. Staring at her plate felt stupid, but looking at Brittany felt even scarier and looking around the room would just make her look dumb so she tried to find a balance between the three that would appear normal, but it really just made it even more strained.

It was so quiet that they could hear whenever someone swallowed extra loudly or chewed on a fry that had become crunchy from the time in the oven. Santana caught herself chewing extra slowly to avoid making those noises whereas Brittany found herself eating more quickly to get them over with sooner. Brittany finished her plate first and threw a nervous glance over at Santana. Was she supposed to wait for Santana to finish too? Or could she leave? Santana saw the blonde squirming in the corner of her eye.

"You can go if you want." Santana said quietly, without lifting her gaze from her half eaten burger that apparently was extremely interesting at the moment. Brittany waited for three more seconds and then she stood up, taking her plate with her to the kitchen and putting it in the dish washer. She could have taken the other way, through the vestibule to the living room to the hallway and to the bedroom, but she felt like that would make Santana think she was avoiding her so she went back to the dining room and took that way to the living room.

In the doorway she stopped herself with a hand on the doorframe. She didn't think Santana was doing anything wrong. She had been really wonderful actually. But Brittany didn't seem to be able to help herself from snapping at her, from pushing her away, from keeping her out. She didn't want to but it was like a brick wall that was too thick to break through despite both of them trying. Brittany had to offer her something though.

"Thanks." She said over her shoulder. She remained frozen for a couple of seconds like she was waiting for Santana to answer but the Latina didn't know what to say so pretty soon Brittany shuffled out of the room. Santana looked at her burger again. It wasn't interesting at all. Her apatite was completely gone. Santana didn't think she was doing that much wrong. She knew she was bad things like this but she really tried her hardest all the time. It was like she couldn't win.

She didn't blame Brittany for being sad, she had every right to be, but it couldn't be like this every day for the rest of their lives. Santana had no doubt in her mind that she would stick around even if it was, but she wasn't done trying to make it better. Love had to be thicker than ketchup.

She got up and threw away the rest of the food on her plate. She went to look for Brittany and found the blonde on the bed, hugging a pillow under the covers. Santana hesitated in the doorway but then went to sit down on the edge of the bed.

"Brittany…" She began slowly.

"I'm fine." Brittany shot back quickly, already in defence mode again.

"I know." Santana said calmly. "… except that you're not." She argued after a little while.

"Santana, I don't feel like-"

"I think you need to talk to her." It was Santana's turn to interrupt. Brittany sat up and threw the pillow aside.

"She's dead, Santana." Brittany shot back spitefully. Santana took a breath to remain calm and not yell back. She knew that wouldn't help.

"Just because she can't listen with her ears doesn't mean she can't hear you." Santana said softly, feeling her hand twitch with want to put it comfortingly on Brittany. But she knew better than to test her luck at the moment so she held it back.

Brittany sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down on it. She knew Santana was looking at her but she just couldn't meet her gaze. She slid to the side of the bed and stood up. She took a couple of steps towards the door but Santana's voice stopped her.

"When my Abuela died…" Santana said loudly in hopes that it would make Brittany stay. Brittany turned back around but didn't sit down on the bed. She looked at her feet and fidgeted with her bracelet while she waited for Santana to continue.

"When my Abuela died, the last thing she had said to me was that she never wanted to see me again. Ever. And she had kicked me out of her house and we hadn't talked for over a year. Then one day here in New York my mom called me and told me she had died." Santana talked slowly, tracing the lines in her palm with her index finger like it would lead the way.

"I was so angry with her. I felt bad that I was angry with her because… she was dead, but I was so pissed that she had left me without giving me a chance to fix things between us. All I ever wanted was for her to love me again. It wasn't fair, it just… wasn't fair." Santana took a little pause. She hadn't thought about her Abuela for a long time and it stirred up some old feelings. Santana didn't want to cry right now though, somehow the thought of that made her feel selfish.

"So I got on a plane back to Ohio and after the funeral I went to her grave and I talked to her. I told her everything I felt and I told her all the things I had never gotten a chance to say to her face." Santana couldn't help that she needed to wipe her cheek. She had been at that cemetery for hours but she still remembered every second of that talk. She still remembered every word she had said.

"It's not the same. But it helped me." Santana finished gently and finally lifted her head to look at Brittany. She caught a quick glance of Brittany's back as the blonde left the room. Santana sighed and leaned back on the mattress with a thud. It seemed hopeless. Did Brittany have to be so stubborn?

"Are you ready?" Santana heard Brittany's faint voice break the silence and it surprised her a little. She propped herself up on her elbows and saw Brittany wearing her coat and shoes.

"What?" Santana asked with furrowed eyebrows.

"You're taking me, right?" Brittany asked and coyly leaned against the doorframe.

"I…-" Santana managed to utter. She was still a little stumped and not really caught up to speed.

"Please?" Brittany pleaded. "I don't wanna go alone."

Santana finally wrapped her head around what was going on and hurried to her feet. She put her arms around Brittany and hugged the blonde tightly. And finally she felt Brittany hug her back and cling to her without walls around her heart.

"Of course I'll take you."

Brittany undid her seat belt and looked out the window. She glanced over at Santana with that bothered look that reads 'do I really have to?'

Santana offered a safe smile in return and got out first. She walked around the car and opened Brittany's door for her, reaching a hand inside for the blonde to take it. Brittany let herself be assisted out of the vehicle but didn't let go of Santana's hand afterwards.

They walked slowly, hand in hand, to the place where Brittany's mother was buried. The closer they got, the slower Brittany walked and it was almost like Santana dragged her the last couple of yards.

"It's okay, baby." Santana said softly and put her palm to hug Brittany's cheek with encouragement.

"I'll be right over there." Santana added and pointed to a bench further in on the cemetery grounds. Brittany looked at the tombstone, then at the bench and then at Santana.

"Take as much time as you need." Santana cooed lovingly before wandering off to take a seat and give Brittany some privacy with her mom. Brittany watched Santana until she was a small blob on a small bench before reluctantly turning her attention to the carved stone. Brittany hadn't been here since the burial but she paid for maintenance so it had fresh flowers and looked pretty.

"Hi… mom." Brittany almost whispered and looked down at the long stemmed tiger lily she had bought on the way and now held with both hands. That was the flower her dad had given her mom on their first date. Brittany had heard the story of the first date a million times when she was little. It was her favorite bedtime story. She closed her eyes and told it to herself a couple of times in her head to calm herhelf. She didn't know how long she stood there and just listened to her father's voice in her head but even if it had been hours everything seemed to be moving so fast. There was a struggle between dreading to start the talk and wanting to have it over with.

"How are you?" Brittany asked awkwardly but followed it with a snort. That was a stupid question, but she didn't know how these things worked. She felt so silly talking to someone who wasn't there. She looked around and saw an old couple walk past her on the pathway behind her. Suddenly she felt too far away, like she had to speak so loudly from where she stood to make her mom hear her so she squatted down in front of the stone and read the name over and over again. Sofie Meer Pierce.

"I'm fine." Brittany said after a long moment of silence, like her mother had answered and returned the question.

"I was fine. I was really good." Brittany's legs were starting to hurt from squatting like this and it was hard to keep her balance so she just leaned forward and let her knees dig into the grass. It was a little wet and made dark circles on the jeans over her kneecaps but she didn't really care.

"But I'm not so good right now…" Brittany confessed quietly. She took a deep breath.

"I'm mad at you… but it's not your fault." Brittany's hanging head suddenly shot up.

"Actually, I take that back. It is your fault. I'm mad at you because dad and I weren't enough for you. I'm mad at you because you had to get your kicks elsewhere and I'm mad that it got you hurt!" Brittany blurted angrily. She didn't feel silly anymore. The words just sort of bubbled up inside of her and they had no other way to go but out.

"I wondered… I wondered for so long where you were. I had to go my whole life wondering and I've gone my whole life hoping you would come back. Then I find… I find that you're never coming back." Brittany's voice faded and her lip trembled as she said the last part. She took a moment to just breathe. She started to feel things she hadn't let herself feel before and it was overwhelming to be thinking all the things that were spinning around in her head. She didn't know right from wrong and she couldn't tell up from down.

"I miss you…" Brittany whispered frailly.

"I miss who you should have been." Brittany corrected upon realizing that she never really knew her mother well enough to miss her. She wondered how it was possible to barely have any memories with this woman and still love her so much. So much it ached.

"I wish you could have been there for everything. My first dance recital. My first motor cross practice. My first A. My first time on a plane. My first date. My graduation. My first job. My first apartment and… look over there." Brittany said and pointed to the bench where Santana was waiting patiently.

"That's Santana. She's my fiancée. We were supposed to be married already but that… yeah… I wish you could have met her." Brittany said and suddenly felt a drop hit her hand. She hadn't realized she was crying but even being aware of it now, she didn't bother to wipe the tears away.

"She's the most amazing person I've ever known. I love her so much. And I really wanna share it with you because… you're so special to me." Out of all the things Sofie had missed; not meeting Santana was the one that hurt Brittany the most.

Even if Brittany wasn't wishing for some sort of Gilmore Girls relationship she still whished she could have called her mom after her and Santana's first date. She wished they could have had her over for dinner and have her help with the wedding. She wished she could have someone who kept going on and on about grandchildren. All the little things. Brittany would never have the little things.

"You missed it. You missed all of it." Brittany sighed and put her palm flat against the cold stone material.

"But you're my mom and you're here now and…" Brittany said quietly.

"I have never told you… or maybe I have but I don't remember it and I wanna say it anyway… I love you." After she said it; something went through her. Like a liberty of some sort and she felt warmer inside. She had to stand up to be able to breathe. Brittany imagined her mother standing by her side. Maybe she was there, maybe she wasn't, Brittany would never know. But she maybe she didn't have to know. As long as she felt it.

Brittany fumbled in her pocket for her phone and pulled it out. She texted for Santana to come over here and in the corner of her eye she saw Santana shoot up from her seat and come closer. When there was just a couple of feet between them Brittany reached her hand out and Santana reached hers out too and slipped her hand in Brittany's. They stood side by side for a while.

"Santana, this is my mother Sofie. Mom, this is Santana..." Brittany said and felt Santana's grip on her hand tighten.

"It's really nice to meet you, Sofie." Santana said lovingly, looking straight at the carved letters on the stone and gave a nod as a greeting. Then Santana turned to Brittany who was already looking back at Santana. They stood there for a while longer and the spring breeze played with Brittany's hair. Her cheeks were a little rosy from being out in the cold and her wet jeans made her even colder. But the cold just added to her sense of freedom. Everything she had been carrying around for so long was finally off her chest. She would never know exactly what happened or why but this still felt like closure… except it didn't have to be good bye.

"What day is it today?" Brittany asked. Santana lit the screen of her phone.

"Sunday, March 22nd." She answered without knowing why Brittany wanted to know.

"I wanna do this every year." Brittany stated and finally put the tiger lily down on the top of the tombstone. It looked really pretty and Brittany felt the corners of her mouth pull upwards into a tiny smile.

"That's nice." Santana said simply but with so much warmth in her face. Brittany felt a million lbs lighter. Not like everything was magically fixed all of a sudden but like she could go back to living. Like instead of a big mountain standing in the way of everything, she had a little rock that she could hold in her palm and carry with her all the time.

She read the letters spelling her mother's name one more time before turning to walk back to the car. Their steps gnarled against the gravel path as they walked and their held hands swung slightly back and forth between them. Santana was just about to slip out of Brittany's hand to walk to the driver's side of the car when she felt Brittany clench harder and turn her so they were face to face. Brittany was tearing up again and put her arms around Santana's neck. Santana caught her and held up the part of Brittany's weight that the blonde couldn't hold herself.

"Shh, sweetie, I know, c'mere." Santana comforted and hugged Brittany's waist, pulling her impossibly close. Brittany sobbed over the Latina's shoulder and Santana felt the blonde's chest heave in a hiccup-like manner as she cried. Santana wondered how Brittany could have so many tears but she wanted to be there and offer a stroke, a hug, a kiss, for every Brittany tear would ever cry.

"I'm sorry I've been so off lately." Brittany managed to get out.

"You haven't…" Santana tried but it just made Brittany cry louder.

"Is that why you're crying?" Santana asked worriedly and felt Brittany nod against her. Brittany pulled away and sniffled. She wiped under her nose and along her jaw line where a lot of her tears had gathered in anticipation of falling down. Seeing Santana's dark orbs look at her in that loving way like she was the most beautiful thing the Latina had ever seen, even when she was a mess like this, Brittany felt a warm tingle that started in her fingertips. It travelled up and warmed all of her until it had formed a smile. For the first time in weeks she smiled a smile she actually felt on the inside too.

"How could you know what I needed when I didn't even know?" Brittany asked and her raspy voice reminded her that she had been crying five seconds ago.

"I just wanted to help." Santana cooed bashfully and glanced down at the ground in the same coy manner.

"I'm pretty sure a normal person wouldn't have put up with me." Brittany said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, but I'm like herpes. You're stuck with me for life." Santana joked and Brittany giggled, erasing any lingering desire to cry some more. She took Santana's hand again and brought it up between them. She looked down at their fingers so perfectly fitting together and then up at Santana who was already waiting to meet Brittany's blue eyes.

"You did this for me… thank you."

I know it wasn't a wedding but at least it wasn't a cliffhanger before the hiatus. SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY :D