AN: Thank you to Jimmy Rustled Bird and aewgliriel for the grammar and Star Wars lore help respectively. Also I forgot to post this chapter so enjoy a double update.
Chapter 37: An Ocean Growing Inside (Jyn/Luke)
All this running around
Trying to cover my shadow
An ocean growing inside
Now all the others seem shallow
All this running around
Bearing down on my shoulders
I can hear an alarm
Must be morning
—Let it Happen, Tame Impala
Jyn is still shaking. Her heart's still beating too fast. She wants to tell her body to stop .
She should be calm now, there's no reason not to be.
Her wrists are burning, and she keeps rubbing at the raw skin.
"Stop that," the nurse tells Jyn, batting her hand away from her wrist. In the nurse's other hand is a roll of bandages which she begins to wrap around the wrist she just saved from Jyn's fidgeting hands.
Jyn startles at the nurse's touch and from the way she looked at Jyn, she noticed. Her mouth turns down at the corners as she glares at the guards for what must be the hundredth time.
When one wrist has been fully wrapped in a clean white bandage, the nurse lets go of it and picks up the other. Jyn startles again and the nurse doesn't comment.
Mentally Jyn tells herself to calm down.
It doesn't work.
Baze is still sitting with her. Like a silent anchor to keep her from getting lost in the currents.
She wonders if it's possible to have a panic attack that lasts all day. She wonders if it would feel better or worse to start crying.
"Jyn? Do you mind if I call you Jyn?" The nurse is asking.
It's hard to get out of her own head enough to respond, like pulling her feet out of quicksand.
"Sure, whatever," Jyn says and the nurse stares at her for a moment longer. Jyn knows how she must look. Ragged and like a coil twisted too tight. Like the last straw or the end of the rope.
"Are you okay enough to get an update on your leg?" she asks and it takes Jyn a minute to even process the question. Finally, she shrugs and the nurse nods and looks down at her data reader.
"Well, based on the damage to the muscles, I'm guessing you spent a lot of time on your feet after you were stabbed. The wound you got from a blaster before was only half healed in the first place, that's where the infection set in..." she trails off to glance at Jyn once before continuing, "The infection, plus all that time working injured muscles did some damage to the area. Bacta can fix most of it, but not all of it."
Jyn's still breathing too fast and her ears are ringing. She still manages to ask.
"So what does all that mean?"
The nurse sighs and puts down the data reader.
"It means you'll have a wicked scar. And it's very possible you will have to deal with mild to moderate pain in that leg for the rest of your life. It shouldn't hinder your mobility, it will most likely just be a discomfort."
Jyn stares at the nurse almost feeling a lack of comprehension.
Baze rests a hand on her arm. Ever the silent guardian, she wonders if he's trying to guard her sanity now.
She thinks she can deal with pain if it's just pain, she thinks she can do that… Maybe she can't. Maybe she can… Chirrut would tell her that only time will tell.
Her mother used to say the worst part of getting old was the aches and complaints of an aging body. Maybe she's starting early. Her mother never really got to grow old.
Finally, she nods to the nurse and that's when they both hear a forceful, "Move ," from behind the guards who practically jump out of the way of one angry looking Princess Leia. Han is behind her looking almost stunned and Chewie is behind him.
The whole scene is almost comical as they file into the room. The angry princess, the befuddled smuggler, and the wookiee all turn to stare at Jyn. She feels like she heard a joke once that began this way, but she's not in the mood to laugh.
Leia stops at the sight of Jyn, her brows climbing into her forehead.
"They let you out of the..." Leia says and points at the empty cuffs on her bed. Jyn nods.
"Draven did."
"Draven?" Leia repeats and she shrugs.
"Did he tell you about the plans?" Leia asks.
"Yeah, he did," Jyn says and for some reason she adds, "I think he felt bad... I was kind of having a panic attack."
She hates how shaky she still sounds.
"I hate to break it to you, I'm pretty sure you still are having a panic attack," the nurse says, looking somewhere between wry and sympathetic from where she stands glancing between them. There is a moment of quiet and the nurse holds up her hands like a small surrender.
"I'll give you all some privacy," she says like it's a joke and she leaves the room. They all watch her go and then glance around at each other in silence.
"Damn kid, you really look like hell," Han says from where he stands closer to the door and Jyn fiddles with the edge of the bandage on her wrists before glancing up at him.
"So I've heard." The words come out as dry as Tatooine and Han stares at her, then Leia.
"You know, now would be the perfect time to just leave," he says gesturing at the door. The guards stare at him incredulously and Leia waves them off.
"That general said the Death Star was 12 hours away? What is it 6 hours now? What is stopping you from getting the hell out of here ?" he asks, drawing the words out for emphasis and Jyn shakes her head.
"Aside from two obvious reasons why," she nods at the guards, "I can't go yet." Han makes an exasperated sound.
"Why not ? Why are you sticking around for these people?" he demands, sounding frustrated for reasons that Jyn knows all too well.
"Because it's not done yet. I need to see this done," she tells him, "I need that thing to be destroyed and I don't care if they throw me in a cell afterwards."
She can see that he doesn't understand, but she keeps talking. Feels her heart try to pound through her chest while she shakes in alternating rhythms that collide in her spine and she keeps trying to make him understand.
"My father died trying to save the Rebellion. I nearly died. Cassian, Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, K-2, I don't even know the names of all the soldiers that died on Scariff. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left now," she says and she's run out of things to say and air to say them. From where he sits, Baze claps her on the arm with a look that's almost proud. She glances back at him with a smile, a shaky fragile smile, but a smile nonetheless.
Han stares at her without speaking for a long moment, his mouth in a thin line.
"You're crazy, you're all crazy." he waves a hand at the door like he can encompass more than those in this room.
"And you ," he points at her with one stabbing finger, "You've got a death wish. Well, not me sister. I plan to live a good long life somewhere far away from here," he says low and heated, like a simmer coming to boil.
"Well, good luck then," she tells him and she means it. She remembers what it was like before, when running was all that mattered.
"I don't know why I try," Han mutters to himself as he heads out the door. Chewie lets out a low whine and she aims another smile his way.
"Good luck to you too Chewbacca," she says and the wookiee waves, his head bowing a little with sadness before following Han out the door. Leia watches them go with a look Jyn can't quite discern.
"Good luck?" the princess asks softly once they've gone.
"Neither of us really believe in the Force, it didn't seem right," Jyn murmurs still watching the doorway, the edges of her mouth twisting down.
"That's awfully respectful of you," Leia murmurs.
"I remember when I used to think that way," Jyn replies, staring at the doorway before looking back at Leia.
"You've had time to check in with the others right? How are they?" Jyn asks.
"Cassian's fine," Leia says before adding, "He was worried about you by the way… In case that's of any interest to you." The words are edging towards amusement and Jyn looks away, her cheeks burning.
"What about Bodhi?" she asks and Leia sighs.
"He wants to fly in the squadron. So does Luke."
Jyn freezes, feeling like all the blood just drained out of her body. She looks up at Leia with a new horror and Leia keeps talking.
"He says he needs to see this thing through and I couldn't say no… Not after Jedha…" Leia trails off and Jyn can feel her heart still pounding. She doesn't need Leia to explain. She was there when Jedha was reduced to dust. If she could see the Death Star burn for herself she would do it in a heartbeat.
She also knows how likely it is that he could die out there, lost to the cold unforgiving black of space.
"I need to see him," she says.
"Jyn…" Leia says her name like she's already gearing up to say no, it's not possible and they've already given her so much leeway. There's too much sympathy in her voice.
"What do you think the odds are for his surviving this?" Jyn demands, the words lashing out like a whip. Leia's mouth twists.
"I would guess the odds are not good," she says softly.
Jyn doesn't know how to explain, with all the dead, every one of them that's alive matters. She doesn't know how to explain that Bodhi is one ofhers and it's been so long since she's had anybody. She doesn't know how to say that she's scared to use the word 'family' in case saying it aloud would give the galaxy power to take it away. What she says is,
"I need to see Bodhi, " and white knuckles the edges of the bed. Baze gets up out of his seat to stand beside her. It feels like an act of solidarity and intimidation.
"I'm just not sure you can see him now, " Leia says eyeing both of them with a sympathetic exasperation. The guards at the door shift around audibly and Leia glares at them.
'If he hasn't already been pulled out of here to get his gear sorted than he's probably resting, which we both know is something he definitely ought to be doing."
"When can I see him?" Jyn asks and it sounds like begging. She hates the sound of it.
"I don't know Jyn, but would you believe me if I said I will make sure you see him before he gets into an X-Wing?" she asks and Jyn looks her up and down. She remembers the moments of real sadness she saw in this girl when she spoke of Alderaan. She remembers that flinty look in the girl's eyes when she stared down Draven on the landing pad.
"Yes I do," Jyn tells her and Leia actually smiles this time.
"Good," she says.
"Good," Jyn replies and she lets out a long breath and lets go of the mattress. She leans forward, bracing an elbow on her knee and digging a hand into her hair. She should try to fix her hair back into something resembling the tail it was supposed to be pulled back into. Now it's as ragged a mess as the rest of her. She pulls hard on her hair, feeling it tug at the roots. She keeps pulling because the pain of it grounds her.
Her hands are still trembling.
"And you said Cassian's okay?" she asks, her voice coming out smaller than she'd like.
"Jyn," Leia says, still standing there watching her with some new firmness set around her mouth.
"Would you feel better, getting the kriff out of here?" she asks, waving a hand at their surroundings and Jyn gapes.
"Ma'am General Draven said—" One of the guards begins and Leia whirls on them,
"Oh, did he now? Wonderful. I am under orders from Senator Mothma so please let Draven know and I'll tell him where he can put his orders." she says with such an icy ferocity, that when Jyn glances over at Baze his eyebrows are shooting upwards. Leia faces them once more with that calm back in place, " Jyn?" she asks with just her name in an echo of her previous question. Jyn looks around the room knowing that it doesn't look like the Death Star. It's less gray and the walls are dingier. But something about this room, the sterile nature of it and the cuffs on the bed are still making her anxious.
It's not panic anymore, but it's near enough that Jyn nods emphatically.
"Yeah, I'd like that," she says and Leia nods before looking up at Baze.
"Apologies Mr. Malbus but I don't think I could justify letting all of you out, would you mind going back with Master Imwe?" she asks and Baze actually grins at her. He rests a big hand on Jyn's shoulder and murmurs
"See you soon, little sister, " before casually striding out the door. One of the guards peels off and follows him leaving Leia and Jyn alone with the other two guards.
"You two are dismissed, Jyn is in my custody. "
"But the general..." One of them sputters and Leia takes a step towards them. Despite being so small she is the tallest one in the room.
"I have had a very trying day, following a very trying week. I recently had to escape torture and an Imperial installation and I am very tired, so believe me when I say, do not test me or you will regret it ," and with that, the two soldiers bolt leaving a small girl in a white dress alone in the doorway.
She sighs before turning to Jyn.
"You have orders?" Jyn asks feeling bewildered. Leia smiles crookedly.
"Not really, but I have Mon Mothma's permission so long as I don't do anything stupid and I've been dying to tell Draven to stuff it," she says and Jyn stares, feeling wonder turn to worry.
"Are you sure this isn't stupid?" she asks and Leia shrugs.
"Not really, but since we all might die in a few hours I'm sure everyone has bigger concerns on their minds," she says and Jyn's mouth hangs open. The princess pays that no mind and continues, "Now let me go get the nurse, I don't actually know if you're cleared to leave." Her tone is wry and she turns to leave, but hesitates in the doorway.
"I think it's probably obvious, but it bears mentioning. Don't run off, you could get me into a mountain of trouble if you did, and that would be a very poor way of repaying a kindness."
She leaves without another word and Jyn stares after her in confounded silence.
Between him and Nurse Temple they managed to make Bodhi down an absurdly large glass of water, a protein pack, and a fluid replenishment pack. Then the nurse ordered Bodhi to rest and he seemed all too willing to comply.
With Bodhi asleep again, and peacefully this time, Luke didn't know what to do with himself. Nobody specified when somebody would come to get them their gear and in the meantime he has nothing to do.
That was awhile ago and now Luke stands outside the door to Bodhi's room. He was worrying that he was fidgeting too loudly and might wake the other pilot. So he stands in the hall now and fidgets as Han and Chewie come storming past him.
"Hey Han wait!" he calls out running after the man. Han stops and turns to face him looking intensely irritated.
"What is it kid? I haven't got all day."
"Where are you going?" Luke asks, because earlier he'd been walking around with Leia and Luke has always been nosy and this base is huge. He wants to think it will help if he knows what direction his friends are headed in.
Mostly he's just nosy and wants to know why Han seems ready to gut a bantha.
"I got my money. Now I'm getting off this rock," Han snaps and Luke gapes at him
"You're leaving?" he asks and Han wheels around to tell him,
"That's right, yeah! I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you?"
Luke stares at the man. He knew Han was many things, grumpy and greedy. But he had thought there was more. He thought he hadseen more.
"Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them," Luke tells him and he's starting to realize that this man may not be his friend at all.
Nothing more than a selfish smuggler and Han confirms it when he says,"What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more likesuicide ."
People have called him naive before. He has never felt so naive before this moment. He stares at Han feeling hurt above all else. After Ben, Aunt Beru, and Uncle Owen, who knew something as small as one person and his wookiee leaving could hurt so much?
He takes a step towards Han to better look down on the taller man.
"All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what you're best at," Luke says and turns away to go back to Bodhi's room (at least Bodhi isn't going anywhere for now). He glances back to see Han stuck where he left him. Something other than irritation and exasperation lining his features.
Luke begins to turn away, leaving the man behind when Han says, "Hey, Luke... May the Force be with you."
Luke looks back again and nods, wondering why a selfish man would bother to wish him good luck. But he doesn't have time for that. Those pilots should be coming soon to set up Bodhi and Luke with their gear.
Luke walks away, leaving the puzzling smuggler behind him. He wishes Ben were here. Ben would be able to explain everything. Why Han would leave? Why would Bodhi choose to fight with a broken arm? How does Jyn act so brave when she looks so scared? Or why does a Rebellion that's so set on fighting evil seem so full of terrible people?
Luke wishes Ben were here more than anything. If only so he could explain all the things Luke doesn't understand. Like why he chose to die.
A new voice eventually distracts Luke from his brooding.
"So you're a pilot too? You picked a hell of time to join the Alliance didn't you?"
Luke turns around and sees Shara Bey in her orange flight suit looking him over with amusement.
"Oh don't worry, I won't harass you too much. But it is a requirement for all rookie's to be teased at least a little," she says and Luke feels himself beginning to smile back hesitantly.
"Now where's your friend I was told I'm fetching two of you," she says, looking around the med bay and he practically jumps.
"Oh! Of course, let me introduce you to Bodhi come on," he says and he heads down the hall.
"Is he as adorable as you rookie?" she asks and Luke shakes his head a little because he isn't sure how to answer that.
He opens the door and the pair of them squeeze past the guards. Luke goes to Bodhi's bed to find him already blinking awake. Luke puts a hand on his arm,
"You ready to go?" he asks softly and Bodhi nods.
Shara is saying something to the guards and they come undo the restraints on Bodhi, while she stands in the doorway with a mischievous grin. When the guard steps back she says,
"Oh rookie, heis cute. I am going to have so much fun with the both of you," and Bodhi blinks at her, nonplussed.
"You do know that th-there's a planet killer heading t-towards us and we might die in a few hours?" he asks her and Shara shrugs.
"I might die every time I climb into my X-Wing. That isn't going to stop me from having a little fun now is it?"
Bodhi stares some more and Luke can't help but goggle at her a little bit too. She shakes her head at both of them.
"You both want to fly don't you? Then stop staring like fish and let's get a move on. The mission briefing is in an hour and we need to scrounge up some gear in your sizes," she says and Luke and Bodhi share a look before Bodhi slowly gets to his feet.
Luke stands a little too close, mostly because he's afraid Bodhi might fall again for some reason, but he doesn't. They both look back at Shara to see her eyes have gone a little softer as she takes in Bodhi's cast and the rest of him.
"Broken wing is it?" she asks, looking at him and Bodhi straightens to stare at her almost defiantly. She scoffs and flaps a hand.
"No need to get ruffled, I've flown in plenty worse states than that, and your X-Wing will have two good wings to compensate for that one," she points at his arm again as she says it and Luke is beginning to think he likes Shara Bey, but he also finds her deeply confusing.
"Now come on rookies, let's go get you kitted up," she says and heads out into the hall without checking to see if they follow. They do and a glance behind shows the guards don't.
"W-What's the ETA on the Death Star?" Bodhi asks from beside Luke. Shara glances at them, the smile faded away and replaced with something more sober.
"Three hours."
AN: So Shara turned out to be more fun than I expected. I kinda got a hint of that with her earlier but there were Serious Plot Things happening and so she had to kind of go to the background. But this was a fun surprise for me too. And Leia was fun in this chapter too, a nice mix of fuck it and fuck off. Although here is also another chapter where I have a background character literally just sitting and not speaking for his entire scene, sorry Baze you had to stay but you had nothing to say. Also yeah it's time for Han to go be a dumb dumb jerk and Jyn's like aw I remember when I was a jerk *sigh* Also did anybody see the first episode of American Gods when it came out last week? Hot damn.