A/N: This chapter was so hard to write. I knew exactly which key scenes I wanted and they were more or less written but linking them together was so much harder than I expected it to be. I think it's because it's almost the end. I want to make sure that I get in everything I need to say because I've become so attached to this universe. I know it's more than time to end but it is hard to let it go and as a result this chapter is a lot longer than usual. Thank-you again to everyone who is still supporting me and if you are a silent reader please think about leaving a review because I'd love to hear from you. Time is running out. Next week will be the epilogue and then it will all be over. I hope you enjoy this week's chapter. Now it's after 9 at night and I still need to go to the supermarket because this has taken me so long. I should have gone yesterday. I'm such an idiot. See you next Sunday.
It was Christmas morning and Dan was taking the lift up to his Dad and Lily's apartment with Blair and Emily on either side of him. Emily was excitedly pulling on his hand. Due to the practicalities of staying in a hotel room Dan had arranged for "Santa" to leave her presents with his Dad, hence the excitement. Dan knew that this was probably the last year he would get away with Santa as his daughter had already started to ask questions about the whole thing. Not in the last few days though. She hadn't even brought it up. He wasn't sure how much of it was her desperation to keep believing but he was just glad that he was getting one last year.
When he found himself at the apartment door he suddenly realised he wasn't sure whether he could just walk into his Dad and Lily's home as he would have done once without a thought. His hand tightened around Blair's as he realised that he didn't really know what to expect from today. He was nervous for so many reasons and he couldn't even put them all into words.
"Are you alright?" she said.
"I'm not sure," he answered honestly and she reached up and gave him a quick reassuring kiss.
"It's Christmas. It'll be wonderful," she said.
She sounded so convincing that he actually found himself almost believing her and at that moment the door opened in front of them. He took a deep breath and told himself he was being ridiculous. This was his family and he loved them. He was the one who had isolated himself for years and yet they had forgiven him almost as soon as he had reappeared in their lives.
Emily was immediately gathered into a huge hug by her Grandpa and Lily swept him and Blair into the apartment, kissing him warmly on the cheek.
"Happy Christmas darling," she said as she did so before welcoming Blair in a similar fashion.
Emily immediately made for the tree and stood looking longingly at the presents. Dan almost felt guilty as he knew gift giving wasn't taking place until after they had eaten. His daughter would have to wait and that was a lot to ask on Christmas Day but he hoped that it would be worth it.
He glanced at the other occupants in the room. Eric had immediately gotten up to welcome them with another man at his side that Dan could only assume was Mark. He was happy for his stepbrother that he obviously finally felt confident enough in his relationship to invite him for Christmas dinner. Dan smiled to himself. It was a big step subjecting a significant other to all of the possible craziness of the Upper East Side. Especially when they were completely unused to it as poor Mark was. Hopefully this man was going to turn out to be a keeper. If anyone deserved to be happy it was Eric and Dan owed him a lot.
As Eric introduced him to Mark his face glowed and Dan was reassured. He hadn't seen Eric looking so happy in years, if ever. The confident young man in front of him was miles away from the unsure teenager who had struggled so much with life. Dan was so happy that his little brother finally seemed to have found where he fitted in the world.
Serena and Nate were seated on the couch. Serena still looked pale but her familiar smile was in place and Nate had his arm wrapped securely around her. Dan was confident that this would be it for his friends. There was no way they were letting go of each other now and he couldn't be happier. They really did suit each other perfectly and he was so relieved to have his step-sister back when he could so easily have lost her. Serena's accident had been the wake-up call they had all needed.
One important person would be missing today however and thought with a little sadness about Jenny. His sister still hadn't appeared and wouldn't be coming for Christmas. It was almost like she was still a little afraid of the Upper East Side. Dan had however spoken to her that morning and invited her to visit him in the New Year and he was fairly confident that she was actually going to take him up on the offer. He wanted his sister back and Blair had been surprisingly supportive considering her history with Jenny. His thoughts reminded him of something and he went over to speak to his father.
"Jenny says Happy Christmas by the way Dad," he said giving his shoulder a squeeze and watched as his Dad's face absolutely lit up.
"Really?" he said and Dan was so sad to see how happy such a simple comment made his father.
It made him feel even more guilty about his years of absence. Rufus Humphrey had never been that bad a father and in comparison to other parents had been pretty fantastic but somehow he had pretty much lost both of his children for years. It was only now that he was a father himself that Dan truly understood how hard that must have been for him.
"Really," he replied. "She says she'll phone you later."
"That'll be nice," was all that Rufus said but he looked so happy that Dan knew that his Christmas had just been made. He resolved to phone Jenny himself later on if she didn't follow through with the promise she had made. He couldn't stand it if his Dad was disappointed.
There was only one other person missing and sure enough the next person to arrive at the door was Chuck. To be honest Dan hadn't been sure if he was expected. He watched as Lily hugged the other man. Chuck returned the hug with a near desperation and Dan was reminded that all had not been going well for his adopted sibling. As Lily guided him into the room with a concerned look on her face he also remembered how important Chuck was to his stepmother. It didn't seem to matter what Chuck did. To Lily he would always be that lost little boy and maybe that was a good thing he thought as Chuck immediately started to look a little happier as he chatted to her.
He did however remain on the outskirts despite Lily's best efforts. Dan wasn't that surprised. Chuck had always lurked about near the edges and he didn't expect that to ever change completely.
The gathering was more relaxed than Dan had expected. Blair had been happily talking with Serena since they had arrived and he was just getting to know Mark when he was surprised by another buzz at the door. With the exception of Jenny his family were all in the room.
When the door opened however Blair's face lit up from where she sat beside Serena, and she was on her feet in an instant to hug her Mother and Cyrus. Dan smiled as he noted the ever present difference between Eleanor and her husband. She may have softened over the years but she still retained her poise and even her hug was formal. Cyrus's effusive greeting to Blair would fool anyone who was unfamiliar with them into thinking that he was the one who had been Blair's parent since her birth. Dan could see why Blair was so fond of her step-father. It was exactly the sort of attention she'd been starved of when she was younger.
"I hope you don't mind Blair," Lily said. "I know you were going to see your family tomorrow but I thought it would be so much nicer for you if we all got together for a meal today."
"Not at all," Blair said, her face shining. "Thank-you so much for thinking of it Lily."
Time passed and everyone had been happily catching up on each other's lives while Rufus put together the Christmas lunch, although he had obviously done a lot of the preparation in advance. Dan hadn't been surprised at all to find that his father was still the main cook of the household. It had never exactly been Lily's forte.
Dan had just finished refreshing everyone's drinks and had removed a couple of empty glasses when Emily appeared beside him and put her hand in his tugging him down to her level so she could whisper in his ear.
"Uncle Chuck looks so sad," she said and Dan realised with a start that he hadn't taken much notice of Chuck since he had first entered.
He caught sight of his adopted step-brother at the other side of the room and noticed that the misery was coming off him in waves. He looked so alone in the corner and wasn't really paying attention to anyone.
"You're right, he does look sad," Dan replied simply, although to be honest he wasn't sure sad even covered it.
He was a little ashamed of himself that he had needed his eight year old daughter to point it out to him. If anyone should understand about feeling lonely at Christmas it should be him. He thought back to that first Christmas without Katie. Everywhere he'd turned everyone had seemed so happy. He'd never felt so isolated in his grief as he had on that day. The despair on Chuck's face was all too familiar to him. He'd seen it in the mirror for far too long.
"I'm glad you noticed sweetheart," Dan said. "I'm so proud of you for always looking after people the way you do. Your Uncle Chuck's lucky that you're here to look out for him. Why don't I try and fix it while you go and speak to Auntie Serena."
He gestured across the room to where Serena was happily beckoning Emily towards her and his daughter skipped off. As always Dan was overwhelmed at his daughter's unwavering faith in him being able to make things better. He knew that this particular problem could well be beyond him but he had to try.
He did what he had never intended to do today. He actually approached Chuck Bass for a conversation. Positioning himself at the other man's side he immediately realised that Chuck hadn't even noticed him approach. He seemed to be locked in his own misery.
"Are you OK?" Dan asked, going for simple and direct.
"I'm fine," Chuck replied.
Dan didn't think he'd ever heard a more unconvincing answer in his life. He thought about giving up but realised that he hadn't done quite enough to ease his conscience yet and tried one more time.
"Come on Chuck, we both know that's not true. It's like you're surrounded by some sort of dark cloud over here. I know what that's like."
"OK, so I'm not fine, well spotted Humphrey."
Obviously the slightly more congenial Chuck Bass of the other morning was gone. Once upon a time Dan would have let that bother him but he had seen Chuck with Emily. He knew now that his bark was so much worse than his bite. Besides he owed it to his daughter to at least try and break Chuck out of the mood he was in. He decided to just take the plunge.
"I do know that Christmas can be hard. Sometimes being surrounded by all that happiness is the last thing you want. I know I wouldn't be your first choice of confidant but I do understand."
Suddenly Chuck's shoulders slumped and it was almost like he just gave up trying to hold himself together.
"I wanted to spend the day with Beth and Connor," he said. "I asked her but she said no. She's open to speaking to me, to at least talking about trying again but she doesn't want me around today. She said she didn't want to ruin Connor's Christmas so she's gone to her parents' and I wasn't welcome. Logically I understand why she wants that but it's just..."
Chuck tailed off and looked totally defeated.
"You wanted to see your son at Christmas," Dan said.
Chuck looked down and Dan could swear he was blinking back tears which he tactfully tried to ignore.
"Is that so wrong? This will be the first Christmas where he really understands anything that's going on. I'm going to miss all the magic of him opening his presents. I don't want to be my father Dan, always missing from all the important moments in his life. What if I can't make it work with them?"
Dan felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy for the man beside him. It was something he had never expected but if anyone knew how to ruin his own life it was Chuck Bass.
"You're not him Chuck," he said with as much conviction as he could muster. "That determination to not be him is what's important. That's what will stop it happening. You said yourself that Beth is a least open to trying again. Just focus on that and on trying to rebuild your family and this time next year maybe you'll actually be happy."
Chuck gave him a very slight smile before he spoke again.
"Thanks for that Dan. I do appreciate the effort but maybe I should just go. I don't want to ruin anyone else's Christmas. I'm not even sure why I came."
"Because this is your family," Dan said, surprising himself once more. "It might be odd but we are a family and this is where you belong." Dan grinned, "Besides my daughter will never forgive me if you walk out of here now. She'll think I scared you off so please don't even think about leaving."
"Alright I'll stay," was all that Chuck said but Dan could see that he did look slightly pleased and decided to push it just that little bit further.
"Can I ask you a favour though?"
"You can ask. I can't promise anything before I hear what it is."
"Can you at least try and look a little bit happier? You have no idea how sensitive Emily is to other people's feelings and for some strange reason she's grown quite attached to you in such a short period of time. To be honest she'll probably worry about you for the rest of the day anyway but it might help at least a little, so can you come over and join us?"
Just from looking at the expression on Chuck's face Dan knew that he had found the key. Immediately Chuck moved towards the main body of their family and sat down. Dan could see that it was a struggle for him but he also tried to look a little happier. That was all he could ask for really.
Chuck's expression brightened even more a few minutes later when Emily climbed up beside him and snuggled in against his side. Dan knew then that there was nothing he could do about Chuck's place in his little girl's heart. She was unwaveringly loyal to the people she loved and mysteriously Chuck had joined that list, fairly near the top by the look of things. He resigned himself to getting used to the idea.
Half an hour later the Christmas meal was ready and as they sat around the table Dan was astounded at how comfortable everyone seemed. He had spent the last several Christmases with Katie's family and he loved them dearly but he hadn't realised how much he had missed this. Having people around who knew him. Who really knew where he had come from and the person he had been.
He realised that he shouldn't have waited this long. What had he been so frightened of? He felt Blair squeeze his hand under the table and he glanced across at her.
"What are you thinking about? You looked a million miles away," she murmured as the conversation buzzed around about them.
"What a coward I've been," he said in an equally quiet voice. "I can't believe it took me this long to come back."
"I'm hardly one to criticise you for that. If Serena hadn't had that accident I'm not sure when I'd have had enough courage to take that step."
"What about now though? Do you wish you'd come back sooner?" Dan asked, genuinely curious.
He watched as Blair obviously gave his question some serious thought before she replied.
"No I don't think so. The pain would still have been too fresh before now. Besides if I'd have come back sooner I'd never have met you again and I can't even imagine that."
Dan couldn't help but kiss her at that comment because he couldn't imagine being without her either.
"Hey you two, not at the dinner table!" he heard Nate call out and he pulled away feeling his face flame with embarrassment.
Blair just squeezed his hand again and gave him a sly smile. He squeezed hers back with a grin.
The conversation flowed throughout the meal and Dan was happy to see that Blair seemed to be genuinely at ease with her mother. He knew their relationship had been far from easy and when she had arrived he had been worried that Lily had made a mistake. It didn't seem to be the case however and it seemed that it had only made the day more complete.
Finally they started clearing the meal away with his daughter more and more anxious to get to the time for present opening. He had been incredibly impressed with her patience and assured her it would only be a little longer before making his way towards the bathroom.
As he made his way along the corridor Blair's mother was walking towards him and he smiled politely at her as he went to continue on past. His heart almost stopped when she touched him on the arm and clearly expected him to pause and speak to her. This was obviously where she would express her disgust at his involvement with her daughter.
Dan gathered together his courage as he desperately tried to sort through in his head what he needed to say. He knew that he was right for Blair. There was no way that this woman would persuade him otherwise.
He looked up and was surprised to see that she actually looked as nervous as he felt. It wasn't an expression he had ever expected to see on her face.
"Dan I owe you an apology," she finally said.
Dan felt more than a little confused. Blair's mother had been pleasant to him all day, more than pleasant in fact. Moreover he had been totally convinced that he had been about to receive a lecture on how unsuitable he was.
"For what?" he asked.
"When I first learned about your relationship with my daughter I thought you weren't good enough for her. I've always been a bit of a snob I'm afraid. It's one of my failings."
Dan didn't think he had ever been so surprised. He decided to just be completely up front.
"To be honest I'm not sure I am good enough for her," he replied. "She seems to want me anyway though. There's no accounting for taste."
"Oh, you're good enough for her. You're obviously exactly what she needs. Today I've witnessed what I thought I'd never see again and that's my daughter truly and genuinely happy. She isn't trying to persuade herself that she's happy because she believes that she should be. It actually shines out of her and that's all I ever wanted. I see the way she looks at you and I know that you must be the reason for that so thank-you. I'm so proud of her you know. To start her life over like that took real courage but I was worried that somewhere along the way she had lost the ability to actually be happy. I was wrong and I'm so relieved about that."
Dan was absolutely astounded. He had been so nervous about meeting this woman again. He had always found her ridiculously intimidating. In addition to that he had felt a genuine resentment towards her for the things she had done to Blair in the past. With the possible exception of Chuck she didn't think that anyone had contributed more to Blair's insecurities than the woman in front of him now. He'd had his own issues with his mother as a teenager but he'd always had his Dad to make up for that. Blair's father had left her right at the time when she needed him the most.
"You should tell her," he said, amazed at his own bravery.
"Tell her what?" Eleanor asked looking genuinely confused.
"That you're proud of her. That you only ever wanted her to be happy."
"She already knows that."
"I'm not sure that she does. Your opinion has always been so important to her. She doesn't say much about it but I know that she still worries about disappointing you. In her eyes she has disappointed you."
Dan stopped there, worried that he had said too much. Blair's mother looked devastated but then as he watched her expression changed to one of determination.
"Then I'll make sure that she knows," she said. "Thank-you for making my daughter happy."
With that closing statement she left him standing in the hall feeling like he had just been wrung out. In many ways he had wanted to have that conversation with Eleanor for years though and it also felt like a bit of a catharsis. If he'd had the courage as a teenager he would have approached that woman after his talk with Blair in the corridor all those years ago. He would have tried to make her see what choosing Serena had done to her daughter's confidence. After all he was fairly sure that he'd been in the unique position of actually understanding how much Blair had been hurting that day, but 16 year old Dan would never have done that. He'd been so unsure of himself at that time and as a result he'd let Blair down. Now after all these years he felt like he'd finally made it up to her and that felt amazing.
He started to follow Eleanor back into the living room. Realising however that he still hadn't made it to the bathroom, which had been his original intention he went in the other direction.
When he finally re-entered the room he could see Blair talking with her mother and her face was shining. He watched as they hugged and it was nothing like the formal welcome he had witnessed earlier and everything like the hug between a mother and her daughter should be.
His reflective mood was broken however when Emily came over to grab his hand and lead him towards the tree.
"Come on Daddy," she said desperately, "It's time for presents."
He allowed himself to be seated by his daughter and for the next hour everyone was exchanging gifts. By this point even Chuck seemed to be enjoying himself. Dan couldn't help but grin as he watched his daughter. Even in her excitement she paused at intervals in her present opening to return to her Uncle Chuck's side for a few minutes. Obviously her vigil hadn't ended.
Dan glanced across at Serena to see how she was holding up and although she looked tired she seemed incredibly happy. He realised that they'd never really had a Christmas like this as a family. There had always been some sort of drama to interrupt the festivities. He was happy that his daughter's first experience of Christmas with her New York family was this one. This was exactly what Christmas should be like.
He watched as Emily happily examined the large Harry Potter Lego set that she had asked for in her letter to Santa. He and Blair had already exchanged gifts. To his amusement many of his presents had involved items of clothing and he couldn't help but grin that some of Upper East Side Blair was still in there. He'd asked her if she was trying to smarten him up and she had assured him that his scruffiness was sexy. Apparently however she wouldn't mind it if a few more of their dates involved him dressing up just a little. When she had promised under her breath that those dates would also be likely to involve her helping him remove those same items of clothing he had decided that he would wear a top hat and tails if she wanted him too.
Now however he came to the moment that had been in the back of his mind all day. He turned to Blair and took her hand in his.
"Can I talk to you alone for a minute?" he asked.
She nodded and he took her hand and led her down the corridor away from the rest of the party. They found themselves in Eric's old room and he turned towards her with his heart thumping.
"I've got one more present for you," he said. "I wanted to give it to you in private."
He handed over the small box that he'd been carrying about with him all day.
She opened it and there was the diamond solitaire ring that he had purchased the other night, while Blair and Emily had been Christmas shopping. She looked incredibly shocked and he was suddenly struck with nerves as he realised that he had no idea how his gift would be received. What if he'd just made a terrible mistake? They'd barely even dated and maybe she wasn't ready. He was appalled as he started to ramble, forgetting all the words of the elegant proposal he had planned in his head.
"Sorry I know we've only been on one real date. We haven't even discussed where we want to live and my life is so complicated but I just know that I love you. I love you so much and I have never been more certain of anything in my life but if you want to wait we can and if this is too soon for you then just let me know and we'll pretend I didn't say anything. I'll put the ring away and we'll speak about it again when you're ready and..."
He was cut off when Blair's lips met his in a kiss that felt like nothing he had ever experienced before. She finally pulled away from him but linked both of her hands with his.
"Dan my answer's yes. None of the rest of it matters. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. You are perfect for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you more than I have ever wanted anything. Don't you dare put that ring away."
Her eyes were shining and as he slipped the ring onto her finger he couldn't resist kissing her one more time. They only stopped when a voice in the doorway interrupted them.
"Did you ask her Daddy?" Emily said.
Dan nodded, "And she said yes."
"Only if it's OK with you though Emily. If it's not then we won't do it," Blair added anxiously. "I really need you to be honest and I promise I won't mind."
The fact that Blair was asking his daughter that question made him love her just that little bit more but Emily's smile lit up the entire room as she nodded.
Blair had crouched down to Emily's level while she spoke and Dan watched as his daughter ran towards her. He knew that her arms around Blair's neck were the only answer that his future wife needed. When Emily finally let go of Blair he pulled her back towards him and kissed her one more time before he spoke again.
"The yes still stands then?" he asked with a grin.
"Definitely," Blair said. "More than ever."
He took both of their hands and led them down the hall so that they could go and break the news to everyone else.
With the two people he loved more than anything in the world on either side of him everything in that moment felt absolutely perfect.
Dan didn't think he would ever stop smiling.