Smells of leather and paper intermingled; the jangle of a sleigh bell perched over the door sounded in my ears. Sight was the last sense to kick in as my eyes took a while to adjust to the dimly lit space. The moment I focused on the shelves it became clear I was in a book shop, row after row of rigid soldiers stood dressed in varying shades of leather; each guarding their contents of characters and worlds begging to be discovered. A withered and rumpled gentleman sat behind the counter; a character straight out of Dickens, his half glasses rested precariously on the tip of his nose and his balding head was decorated by wisps of hair in disarray. Cradled lightly in his gnarled hands was a book. His love of books was evident by the delicate manner with which he turned each page. Lost in its words; he did not seem notice me.
The shop was exploding with books; most perfectly aligned at attention while others were proudly displayed in cases or on pedestals; every available corner and crevice was filled. I ran my fingers over their spines as I walked deeper and deeper into the shop. It was much larger than it appeared from the street and I seemed to be the only one here. But where was Amy? This was the address on the note; of that I was certain. Sensing I was being watched I looked up; from a loft above me stood Amy, studying me cautiously as if she was no longer sure we should meet.
Prepared to call out her name I opened my mouth but the realization I was surrounded by books hushed me to a whisper. Looking about quickly in an attempt to locate stairs my eyes searched the darkened corners. When none were spotted I returned my gaze to the balcony; Amy was gone. Had she taken the opportunity to flee? Frozen for a moment an avalanche of emotions roared through me; loss, disappointment, anger each left my chest aching - leaving me unsure and shaken. Briefly incapable of rational thought I instinctively grabbed a book from the nearest shelf.
Books had always been an escape for me, Claire's reading of King Arthur, the protection of the Wilkinson Academy library and even the staff's makeshift library at our house; a collection of books carried in and left behind by the continuous rotation of help. Each offered itself as a fortress at times. With a book I could be transported anywhere simply by flipping a page. But not this time; the more I stared at the words, words in French, words I could not read, the more loss buried me. The prospect of talking to someone familiar with my past, Someone who knew the Claire I knew and someone completely trustworthy had filled me with hope an emotion unfamiliar to me… I could taste the words and hear the laughter. Claire - I could almost hear her voice again, almost see her face. My memories of her were melting away. How long before she would be completely lost to me? A tear slid down my cheek dropping onto the open page, bringing me back to the here and now. Snapping the book closed in exasperation I slid it into its slot and spun on my heels to leave almost knocking Amy over in the process. A broad grin spread across my face as I looked into Amy's dark eyes.
"I thought you'd changed your mind; thought you were gone." The relief in my voice was evident.
"Almost did Alex. You took your sweet time getting here. Thought maybe you went to find Daddy. I'm sure it would make his day to catch up with me. Is that something you like to do…..make Daddy's day?" Her tone was cynical.
In an instant my smile vanished as my chin dropped to my chest. Without making eye contact I murmured "I am my father's son in name only." Pleadingly my eyes rose to meet hers. "Please don't compare me to him." My words gained strength as I continued. "He makes me sick and if I could take everything he holds dear I would, in a heartbeat."
"Alex, I'm sorry I should have known better." She reached her hand out to stroke my face but I stepped back not wanting to be touched. I felt unworthy of her sympathy; after all I was the bastard's son and the cause of endless tragedy.
"This was a mistake Amy. I shouldn't have come. Please forgive me." Walking past her my jaw tightened as I fought back the sting of tears in my eyes. "My selfishness has put you in danger and I apologize for that. If I go now maybe you'll be safe….maybe…."
Grabbing my shoulders she turned me to face her "Maybe he won't find me? Is that what you're trying to say Alex? It's too late for that; you found me and that is enough. If you think for one second I'll go quietly you are as twisted as your old man. This place, these people mean nothing to me. I'm not saying I don't like it here but I'll like my next destination just as well. The important thing is I'll be alive and have my freedom."
"Freedom? How can you say that when your ready to run? How is that free?"
"Don't confuse freedom with comfort, Alex. I'm free to live my life on my own terms free to pull up stakes and move on whenever I want. I've let myself get too comfortable here. Comfort is definitely overrated."
"I wouldn't know. Don't think I've ever been comfortable….can't imagine I ever will."
"Now Alex, you'd be surprised. You're bound to outlive the old man. Once he's gone we'll all relax a bit."
"He's too mean to die, Amy. Even the devil wouldn't know what to do with him. My father would probably try a hostile take over. He doesn't like to loose control."
Amy smiled "You're definitely right about that. Alexander plays second fiddle to no one."
With the laughter a wave of exhaustion crashed over me causing my knees to buckle. I reached out to steady myself. Amy took me hand and gently put her arm around me. "Come on you're looking a little pale there; had a bit of a rough day have you?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I don't believe it and I was there; at least physically anyway."
Under the loft and behind a heavy brocade curtain was a small studio apartment; sparsely decorated but cozy and inviting. Amy pressed me into a large cushioned armchair which seemed to swallow me.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?"
"I think I should eat. Can't actually remember when I ate last. Got anything good?"
"Luc said he brought in some cheese and I think we have some grapes and…" She reached into a tall cupboard stretching her arm out and standing on tiptoes; a wide grin spread across her face "Ooow fresh bread! I thought I smelled some. Food fit for a king." She pulled open the curtain and shouted out "Thanks Luc."
"Luc? Do you live here…..together?"
Amy immediately caught the look of bewilderment and disbelief on my face and possible a little revulsion the man was easily old enough to be her grandfather. "Oh my goodness no!" her face reddened with embarrassment "He lives with his wife in another part of the city. He was my contact when I first arrived here and is the one who will help me get out tonight. He lets me keep my things here, the things that matter and I must confess to spending a lot of time here; it feels safe. I won't be back to my apartment again what's there belonged to Lizette and she is already gone."
"You make this seem so easy. How can you just pick up and go; leave your friends, your home? "
"It's never easy, Alex. It was hard when I left the U.S. and there are definitely things and people I'll miss when I leave here. But I knew this wouldn't last forever; nothing is forever. You just have to educate yourself…acquaintances only….never friends. And guard your heart. It really is the only thing you have. If you give it away you may never get it back and then the walls you've so carefully constructed begin to crumble."
But you looked so happy when I saw you today; like you belonged here. You really love what you do, it shows. And I had to go and ruin it for you."
"It was time to move on even if I didn't see you. I'll love the next thing I do too and if not I'll always have my art. It's not like I have to work anymore. This life has been generous; the fashion business pays very well and Claire provided me with some seed money. Besides how many people get to live their dream? Damn few- but I did and for that I will always be grateful to you Alex."
"Me? No not me. I don't know one person that is better off having known me; not one person. But that will change……" I trailed off in mid sentence as my mind began to wander. I will make things right. I will. My thoughts shifted from one person wronged to the next but there were really only two I could help or at least try to help. Lynn needed to be hidden away, out of our father's grasp. It would not take long for him to drag her back once the baby was born. Our bargain would be complete and wherever that child ended up it would forever be another of Alexander's pawns; used to maintain control over Lynn and me. No I needed to arrange for Lynn's escape from all things Cambias with or without her child – her choice. And as for Michael, I needed to offer him my place in the family. He wanted to be the chosen one more than anything else and as long as Alexander Cambias Jr. walked this earth he would not be fit to spit shine my boots in our father's eyes. He may not have been better suited for the position but at least he had the desire something I lacked in spades.
"Alex…..Alex what were you saying?" Amy looked at me intently waiting for a response.
"Huh? Oh I'm sorry guess I got a little lost there for a minute? I was saying things need to change." I leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees feeling much stronger after putting some food in my belly. "Have you ever felt as though you were locked in a closet struggling to escape? Have you ever gasped for breath; feeling the air growing thin as the walls seem to move ever closer? Pounding on the door goes unanswered as you plead to be released. Do you know what that feels like?
Amy studied me intently listening to my every word. "No Alex. I've never felt that way."
"Each morning as I wake and every night as I lay down to sleep and every moment in between that is exactly how I feel. If I don't escape this Amy I'll go mad. Maybe I'm already there."
Amy released a disbelieving chuckle "You know Alex you aren't the only one to feel like that though, I knew someone else use those exact same words; any way out would have been a relief…including death."
"Yes! Exactly!" I looked up into Amy's eyes and knew at once she was talking about Claire. "I guess it runs in the family. Even Lyn has become a member or our exclusive club with the exception of death - she values life too much. She's pregnant and I need to get her away from us forever. If I don't she'll be in the same position as Claire and I cannot watch that – not again."
Another chuckle passed Amy's lips as she shook her head. "You certainly are Claire's son the two of you think the same because there was always one thing more important to her than escaping and that was breaking you free. She wanted it so badly she died trying."
I stared at Amy, watching her as she nervously bit her lip knowing full well she was thinking of Claire. It showed in her eyes. "You know it was my fault; don't you?" My words were soft and deliberate "Todd didn't kill her. I did. My father just covered it up to suit him just like he does with everything. Everyone that loves me or tries to help me gets hurt. It's like some kind of curse. I wish it was me who died that night. Everyone would be better off!"
In an instant Amy reached out and slapped me hard across the face. My cheek burned where her palm landed. "How dare you say such a thing! How dare you trivialize what the three of us attempted to do! In one way or another we all gave up our lives for you and you owe it to each of us to finish what we started. We all saw the good in you; knew you could be so much more than Alexander's son." Amy knelt by my side as her tone softened to one of compassion rather than rage. She pressed her hand to my chest "That heart beating in there that is not a Cambias heart it's your mother's gift to you. It is kind and loving and needs a chance to experience all the good things life has to offer. She was so full of life, Alex and that was because of you. It was you that saved her when she was ready to give up; you set up that studio for her. It was the best gift she ever received; you gave her hope, you gave her a passion and you gave her unconditional love three things she thought no longer existed."
We both fell silent for a while as Amy busied herself by gathering up the few belongings that were important to her. Opening cupboards, cartons and drawers she pulled out some items and put others back with a shake of the head or a wistful smile until she happened upon a drawer that had swelled shut over the years. "Damn drawer!"
"Here let me help you." I stood, waiting for Amy to step aside but she kept trying.
"I can do this!" she muttered more to herself than to me as her face changed to a brilliant shade of crimson.
After watching her struggle for a few more moments I placed my hands on her shoulders and gently moved her out of the way. "Excuse me but I can't watch this any more."
"So you think you can do better? " She raised her hands in defeat "Be my guest."
Three sharp pulls later I landed squarely on my ass with the drawer and its contents scattered about me. Laughter instantaneously irrupted as my grace was undeniable.
Amy stretched her hand out to me as she continued to chuckle "Here let me help you up."
Our eyes landed on the deep blue cover embossed with gold at the same time. I recognized it immediately 'The Romance of King Arthur and His Knights of the Round Table' from 1917. The exact same book Claire had read from when I was a child the exact same book that had belonged to her father.