Juti's POV

I was trying to get the bleeding to stop, so I rinsed my mouth repeatedly at the sink in my bathroom but all I did was just spitting out blood for a time, and after the water started finally turning cleaner by ever little step. Also my nose was bleeding, I could feel it flowing down on my face and could see it in the bathroom mirror, looking up. Soon, all my face from the nose down became bloody, and stains of blood were painting my shirt and sleeves, it was a bit of scary to see, but I felt a strange relief when I saw my my reflection.

Relief and remorse took me over, and a strange kind of apathy.

I ruin everything unintentionally, but I always do. What was I thinking, really? What part of the idea seemed good to me when I started dressing up as Erik? I could have known he will get hurt, now thinking back, it was the only logical reaction to my endless stupidity. To tell the truth, I only meant to show him respect in a way, showing him I paid attention to his moves and voice to the point I was able to copy them, and for a night, when everyone becomes someone else for a bit, on that strange night of fake personalities, I chose the person I loved and admired the most: him. For a night I wanted to be Erik, and have a bit of fun, and with my stupid mind I thought he would laugh at it. Only at the moment of his sudden outrage I realized what I had done yet again. I always ruin everything, no matter how well I mean, and I have a talent of hurting the people being the closest to me, always. Because I am not normal. I am stupid, heartless and totally useless. There is no kindness sufficient enough to make me the better. I am simply too stupid to be loved and no one should bother with me. Ever.

I wish… I wish I had never been born.

I've got what I deserved. As I certainly deserved it. This is why I was relieved- I did not get away with it. I was again an idiot and I deserved it. I'd have deserved even more, but Erik did not give me more. He was too good to hit me again. I did not even want the bleeding to stop anymore, but it did not seem to want to anyways. I was standing by the sink for long minutes, slowly caring about nothing, as the blood flew, in either thicker or thinner streams, but it never stopped, and I started feeling it was meant to be this way. I felt with the blood, all the stupid and evil intents were leaving my body as well.

The organ blasted at full volume. Erik, the poor man, felt the need to calm himself with the aid of music, just as always, if he was extremely angry, upset or hurt. I so wished I could have explained him what was my original intent, but I knew he was too angry to talk, and I did not want to drip my disgusting and hard to clean blood all over his carpet by walking to him like this, and… seriously what is the use of talking anymore?

I would never forgive me in his shoes, and most likely he won't either. And he does not even have to. Not any sin is forgivable, and I have just hurt him in a way which can't be forgiven. I am sure, after he stops playing he kicks me out of the house and he will be absolutely right. I just wait until it happens. I can do nothing else and don't even want to.

At least I can listen to his playing for the last time. I sat down at the edge of the tub, giving up the fight, waiting for my fate to happen, trying to follow the melodies Erik was playing.

Erik's diary

For a time I was unable to think logically and I needed to leave the room just after I hit her, as I was afraid I will give another slap to that girl if she opens her mouth one more time. I did not see what happened after I slapped her and she did not talk any more. I did not leave her any chance to address me, and left her there. Thankfully she did not follow me – she already learned it is better not to bother me when I am upset.

I could hear she started to run the water, to wash her face after crying. Good joke! She is the one to cry. Oh yes, the ugly old monster hit her, how sad she must be! I wished to drown out any sounds of her existence and calm down with the aid of music.

Music was the only thing I could always turn to in order to clean my head and release some unneeded passion. Anger was slowly leaving my mind as I slammed the organ keys, and in a few minutes I was at least able to word some sentences which made sense.

I was wondering what to do now.

One thing was sure: I wasn't going to take her to the damned Masquerade.

What to do? Why did she do it to me? Why? She claimed to love me and now she made fun of Erik, mocked him and betrayed him… and she intended to mock him in front of the whole damned Opera! She wanted to come to the Masquerade dressed as Erik! Impersonating him… giving him away to the crowds! Even the deformity! She would have removed the mask in front of everyone to show what a hideous freak I am.

Of course, I did not wish to hurt her more, unless she provokes it out in the future, like she did with this stupid comedy. It is strange how I did not feel any regret for this slap, I was feeling horrible after hitting her with the wine bottle before, but this time I felt the slap was righteous. Not more, but one. She got it. She asked for it.

For some minutes, I felt like I did not wish to see her in my house any more, and just collect her with all her belongings and drop her at the Daroga's door until I can figure out how to send her back to the future, where she belongs. The old Persian fool is so fond of this girl, this way he could at least protect her from me without problems. And he might even change his mind about how sweet Juti is if he spends some time with her! Yes, I take her to the Daroga, and figure out how to send her back to her century- this is all I wish to do to her right now.

Yet…

No, it was way too drastic of a thought.

As I played more and more and calmed, I wondered if separation and to break off all communication with her for one single sin was too much of a punishment. Suddenly, though it never happened to me before while a mental breakdown, and a fit of rage, positive thoughts came to my mind. I had so much pleasant memories with Juti that I could not help but think of them about her. Looking at her face in my memories, I linked it with the pleasant feelings about her, and they overtook me. The memories were constantly flashing in front of me, it did not pain me at all to see her, on the contrary. I caught myself smiling while I started unintentionally playing the 'Ah vous dirai-je Maman" variations by Mozart. She loved them with all her heart. I could see her wide smile, I could feel her kiss against my cheeks or forehead, I could feel her body against mine… and suddenly I felt that whatever she did, however angry I was with her just twenty minutes earlier, I should not kick her out instantly.

At least she deserves a chance to be able to explain the scene which she made. I shall decide only after listening to her reasoning.

I stopped playing and looked at my pocketwatch. Something unusual hit my ear. The water was still running. It has been already twenty- five minutes she was running the water. The tub fills up in 15 minutes, there is no way she had to run it for so long, even if she, for some reason, decided to take a bath. Why would she do it in such a situation was beyond me. She never bathed right after a fight before…

And then suddenly the realization hit me.

She maybe had to wash herself from… blood? I did not check on her after the slap…! I did not investigate if she was injured… I was able to give enormous slaps… she is a helpless girl!

Jumping up from the organ bench I desperately hurried to her room and heard the water still running. It was the sink, now I was able to identify. I nervously knocked on the door.

- Juti… Juti… are you all right?

No answer came, which alarmed me a lot, I knocked again.

- Juti, please answer… answer me if you are all right…

Still nothing. I did not care about the etiquette any more, as I feared something terrible happened to her in these minutes… thenty- five minutes are so short, yet so long as well, when catastrophes are about to happen…

I pressed the doorknob, not even caring if she is stark- naked, I had to make sure she was all right. She did not lock the door, but if she did, that would have no use at all. I am the lover of trapdoors, opening and closing any door I wish in some seconds… but she was not naked, but certainly not all right.

She was sitting at the rim of the tub, pale, her face and shirt covered in blood, trembling.

- What in God's name has happened to you? – I spat out in worry, running to her. – Juti, what has happened? – I knelt down to examine her, but other than being pale and having a quite serious nosebleed, I could not see anything. No effect of poison or anything… but then why can't she speak?

Maybe blood loss? Shock? It seemed shock to me, upon further investigation. Her nose was still bleeding, so I had no time to ask more questions, I only picked her up and carried her to the laboratory to be able to operate on her if needed.

She allowed me to examine and treat her without a cry or hiss of pain, she was waiting in apathy. As I realized, she was just finely conscious. Her eyes were following my motions, but she did nothing else, other than passively accepting treatment as a ragdoll. Her nose wasn't broken, thankfully, but most of the veins must have gotten damaged as it wasn't only bleeding from one spot. I held her nostrils closed to make the bleeding hopefully stop or at least reduce, and put an ice pack on her neck, to make it even more effective to lower blood pressure and stop the blood flowing, and finally after five more minutes the nosebleed was over. I was extremely relieved- maybe she does not know, but one can bleed out through the nose as well, after a long time. The bigger problem was with her mouth. The skin under her nose, leading to the center of her upper lip was split in half, and was also bleeding. She bit her lower lip as well as it was swollen and had a fresh wound on it. I opened her mouth gently, to see if there was some internal damage, and I saw one tooth was missing. It was her baby tooth once she showed me, as I memorized its place. It was no longer there. Probably it was already a bit loose, and the force of the slap made it fall out. Yet I could not imagine how on Earth I was able to damage her lips so much with one single slap. I did not hit with my fist, I recall it clearly, I slapped her by the left hand and the small stone of my ring had left a mark on her face. I wished to investigate what exactly had happened, so I started talking.

- You lost your baby tooth.

Silence. She looked at me with so much sadness my heart nearly broke for her. I never felt sorry for someone who had hurt me before during the day. I usually was rather rancoruous, thin-skinned and vengeful, and would most likely noticeably keep myself in a bad mood around someone I wished to give a lesson to, but she seemed to be so hopeless and desperate I simply could not keep being angry or distant towards her any longer, unlike my usual habits. She moved for the first time during the treatment, she lowered her head and turned it slightly away, and whispered:

- And you.

It was nearly inaudibly, I could hear it only because of my good hearing.

- I would not care about your nose then, if you did lose Erik. – I informed her.

She turned back to me with a sudden hint of hope shining in her glance, but it only lasted for a second.

- I don't deserve it. – She stated monotonously.

- What is that you don't deserve?

- Anything… Erik… Treatment… Life. – She whispered in front of herself between long pauses.

- Oh, child, for God's sake… stop. It is painful to hear you say such things. Why would you not deserve life? Even Erik deserves life, I think, as God did not yet take it from him, no matter how he prayed him to take it, many times. And do you know why? Because my time hasn't come yet. God gives life… and… he shall take it… well, sometimes I do take it from others, yes, but let's just not talk about that now.

- But I don't deserve you to take care of me. I don't deserve your love. I am worthy of nothing.

- Oh, come on…

- I only deserve your hatred and despite.

- Juti! – I gasped. – Don't say that…. Please.

- Am I not right? – She started crying.

- No. – I shook my head. – Juti, just explain why did you dress up as Erik.

- And what happens if I do…? Will you believe me…?

- I believe you unless you clearly lie to me.

- And… will I lose you… either way? Will you ever forgive… - She looked around helplessly.

- Juti, explain it, then I will see.

Silence came, she wanted to touch me, but she did not dare to. I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her a bit, which finally gave her enough bravery to admit it:

- I wanted to be you for a night.

- But why?

- Because I… wanted to dress up as the person I adore the most.

Looking at her, I examined her facial expressions. A liar would not directly look into someone's eyes, or would show any sign of feeling uncomfortable, playing with hands, or biting on lips, but the only emotions I saw on her were sadness and insecurity.

- You did it… as a… tribute? – I asked with disbelief.

- Yes. – She nodded.

- To show respect…?

- Yes… just as your Red Death costume to Poe's work, I wished to express my love…

- I did not create the costume to express my love for Poe' Red Death.

- No…?

- No. – I shook my head. – True, I love Poe's work, but it was just a costume which was shocking enough and did not require a mask. I was wearing a mask on weekdays, on any ordinary day, at the Masquerade I wanted to be special, not wearing one when everyone else does.

- Well, I… just wanted to be identical to you and show respect that's all.

- And why did you paint the deformity under the mask? – I put my hand on my hip. This part of her mini play was the most painful for me.

- It was just to look even more like you, as I like your face a lot, but I only wanted to show it to you.

- I thought you mocked me and wanted to humiliate me in front of the whole Opera.

- I know you thought so… after you got angry… I did not mean to make you angry, but I am stupid and… I can't think in advance. I am just… an idiot who deserves no one to bother with her. I am hopeless.

- If I knew it was just… a twisted little nod to my character… I still would not encourage you to wear it around… as you see I am not fond of the idea… but it certainly changes my point of view on the subject.

- And now…?

- And now, my dear, I am going to see what I can do to make your mouth heal faster. Maybe I have to use some stitches. It may hurt a bit.

- I deserve it.

- Oh, stop it already! You don't deserve pain, you don't deserve death, and you don't deserve to be unloved! You have made a mistake, unintentionally. Your surprise backfired. It happens. You made me angry, you received a slap for it, maybe bigger than what you would have deserved, now knowing you did not wish to hurt me, but it already happened. We both hurt each other. Water under the bridge. End of story.

- And you forgive…?

- I do, if you forgive me the slap. I should have never hit you.

- Of course, I forgive…

- All right. Please don't start on if you deserved it or not, will you? Let's try to forget this little scenario and concentrate on the future.

- Together…? – She was trembling with fear and looked at me with growing hope.

- Together. – I nodded. – I have told you already you could not make a mistake which will result in me leaving you. I will always love you.

- Thank you for still keeping me around… after…

- Juti. Erik had committed much worse things, remember? It is NOT you unworthy of love. You are a good child. You are sweet and affectionate. And loyal. I would not trade you for any treasures of the Shah.

- Not even if I cause trouble? – She sniffed.

- Do not sniff, it will make your nose bleed again. – I warned. – Don't try to blow your nose for another four hours. And do not put anything in it, not even a handkerchief. Right? And you remember: you are perfectly imperfect. I would not have you any other way.

We hugged each other, and holding her in my arms again, I knew I would not be able to miss this feeling for the rest of my life. Having her around and loving on her is the most important thing to me. No matter what she does, I will always love her, and forgive her eventually – forgiving isn't as hard as one would think.