Chapter 37

The Last Night

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths, for His name's sack. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me: Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

~Psalms 23 (NIV).

xXx

One week has past since Easter, and I've actually gotten worse. I stopped sleeping again. Tension's building again, and I feel like as if I'm completely shutting down.

I don't tell anyone that I've stopped sleeping. With everything else they're worried about, this would be adding fuel to the fire. I can't let that happen.

I still won't talk to Henry; I refuse to tell him anything. Henry isn't my person. I don't have to tell him anything. All I am to him is another paycheck, anyway. What does he care?

xXx

Youth group every Wednesday started to become a weekly habit. I would go with Ana, and sit in silence as Jim talked about all the wonderful things God has done for us, and how He cares for us. I would sit in silence as Ana and the other senior girls would talk about how they felt about the message. Shayln, and Dana, Ana's small group leaders, would ask me why I had been so silent during small group, and told me that they were happy I had come anyway.

This week, it felt different. It's like the air had changed. On the outside, I acted fine, like I did every week, but on the inside I felt like I was suffocating. It was as if I knew what would happen during the night.

"Nessie, are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost," Ana said, as we all were waiting in the church lobby for Jim to call everyone in.

I nodded, swallowing hard. "Fine."

Ana looked like she wanted to question me more, but before she could ask, Jim made the announcement, calling everyone in.

We walked in, and found seats in the third row, on the right side of the room, where the four of us—Ana, Jake, Max, and I—normally sit. Announcements were made, about Move 2014, a youth event that was coming up this weekend, and a few other things that were happening this month, and next. We played a game that a youth leader invented, called 'Turtle Butt', which in all honesty, I did not understand. I don't think Ana, Max, or Jake understood it, either. Ana and Max played, while Jake and I stayed in our seats. I rested my head on Jake's shoulder, and he rubbed his thumb across my hand.

"You okay?" He asked, resting his lips on the crown of my head.

"I really wish that you would stop asking me that." I started playing with Jake's fingers.

"That's not going to happen. "

I sighed. "I'm fine."

"Renesmee..." Jacob started. Before he could say anything else, Jim called everyone back to their seats, so we could pray before worship.

This was the part of youth group where I would fold my hands, bow my head, and close my eyes, pretending to pray. Occasionally, when I would do this, a song that I've never heard before would start playing in my head. It would be the same song each time. Are you looking for someone, to be gentle? With your broken heart, and shattered dreams? Are you searching for someone who'll be faithful, to you no matter what life brings?...

After the quick prayer, worship started. I stood up with everyone else, and the music began, lyrics to the song showing up on the screen behind the stage.

"Okay, so tonight, we're bringing in three new songs." The lead singer, Ashely, said, as the guitarists were strumming slowly.

"Last week, we were going to do something else, but this past Sunday, we felt God pulling on our hearts, giving us different songs. So, we're going to try them out tonight. If you know them, you can sing along, or just sway to the music. Whichever you feel most comftorable." She smiled, and the first song began.

He says come unto me, all who are weary. And I will give you rest. Bring what hurts; bring your scars. Bring the load that you carry, and I will give you rest.

This was the song that would play in my head while I would 'pray'. What was going on tonight? They finished the first song, and the next one started.

This house is echoing, with the sound of You knocking at the door. But with three locks, and the shades down, You are easy to ignore. I put You on, like an old pair of shoes, I've put you off, but now I need you...

I sat down, hearing the similartity between the songs, and my life. What did God want to tell me now?

I'm on my knees, begging you to notice me. I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me? Yeah! One tear in the dropping rain, one voice in the sea of pain. Could the Maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart? One life, that's all I am; right now, I can barely stand! If You're everything You say You are, would You, come close, and hold my heart?

What the hell was going on? I put my head in my hands, feeling tears starting to sting the back of my eyes. I knew exactly what He wanted. But I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted to do.

"Nessie?" I sat up, and found Ana lookign at me, concerened. "Are you okay?"

I nodded my head. "Fine. Just a little tired."

"Okay..." Ana said, weary of my answer.

Jim came back on the stage, and talked about this music video he had found while searchingYouTube. He put the video on, and turned around in his chair to watch it.

Why? The question that is never far away. The healing doesn't come from the explained. Jesus, please don't let this go in vain. You're all I have, all that remains. So here I am, what's left of me, when glory meets my suffering. I'm alive, even though a part of me has died. You take my heart, and breathe it back to life. I've fallen into Your arms open wide; when the hurt and the Healer collide.

I sat through the chorus, before I put my head in my hands again, this time, tears falling down my cheeks like a water fall. These songs were for me. By the near-end of the song, the weight was too much. It felt as if I was suffocating again. I had to get out.

"I'm...going to the bathroom. I'll, uh, be back," I said, quietly, as I stood up and walked out of the sanctuary, and out of the church building. It was pouring rain outside, but I didn't care.

I sat on on the front steps, getting so drenched the only way you could tell I was crying was by hearing the sound of my voice. Sobs racked my body so hard that I began shaking.

I heard the door open, and turned to see Jim standing behind me, his back to the closed door. He walked over to the front steps, and sat next to me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He asked.

I ignored, him, putting my head back in my hands, another sob racked through my body.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"No." I whispered through a sob.

"What happened?"

"Everything." I cried. "Everything's gone wrong." I took in a quick, shaky breath, and looked at Jim.

"Five months ago, I was shot." I stated. "Jake's dad tried to kill me, and my father. But, obviously, we lived. I thought that I was okay. I just wanted to forget about it. But, I can't." I tried to control the crying, but that just made it worse. I heaved a sob, but continued.

"I haven't slept in twelve weeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I can't forget. I'm depressed...I have P.T.S.D. I thought that if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. But, it's just gotten worse. I'm so far out, I don't know if anyone can save me."

I burst into tears that came so hard, I couldn't breathe. The rain came down harder. Jim rested a hand on my shoulder.

"Renesmee, you can't do this by yourself. You really need to let God take control. Let Him be the Healer, Renesmee. You haven't been coming here by mistake, He's trying to get your attention. You need to let go of everything that you've held onto and let Him comfort you."

I shook my head, not wanting to answer.

"Remeber that sermon I had a few weeks back, about how God was always wtih us? He wants to be with you, and He is. It's whether or not you want Him there...Renesmee, you can't do this on your own anymore. You need to let Jesus take this pain and hurt. This won't get better until you do. He will take care of you."

"Fine," I said, slightly calmer than I had been. "What do I have to do?"

"You need to pray." Jim said.

"Renesmee," I heard Dana's voice. Jim and I turned, and found her standing behind us, halfway outside.

"What happened?"

"Let's go back inside, so we can talk,"

The three of us went inside, and sat around one of the small tables in the lobby.

"Renesmee, you need to pray. Now, this won't take the pain away instantly. It's still going to be a process. But, it will be easier. Are you ready?"

I nodded, wipping a few stray tears. I still couldn't really talk, without my voice cracking.

"Okay," He reached out, and grabbed my hand. Dana patted my shoulder. I closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath, as Jim prayed over me. As the prayer was being said, the suffocating feeling went away. I felt, somewhat lighter.

"How are you feeling?" Jim asked, after he was done.

"Better," I said after a few minute's silence. "I think I need to be at home right now, though. To think about all of this."

"I think that's a good idea, Nessie." Jim smiled.

I smiled lightly, and left the church. Driving home, I landed on a Christian radio channel by chance. Playing on the radio was a song called Love is Here. I found myself singing along to it, with tears still streaming down my face.

Come to the water, you who thirst, and you'll thirst no more. Come to the Father, you who work, and you'll work no more. And all you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed: Love is here, love is now. Love is pouring from His hands, and from His brow. Love is near, it satisfies. Streams of mercy flowing from his side;

Cause' love is here.

My parents weren't home by the time I had gotten there. I went through my routine of getting ready for bed, and sat in it, still thinking about what had happened at youth group.

"Well, You have me. You got my complete attention, now. Just...please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. Can you just...comfort me? Can you take everything away, please? I can't do this by myself. I need you, okay? I'll admit it. I. Need. You. Just...do what Jim says that you do." Tears streamed down my face, as I rested against my pillows.

I felt tired. Taking slow, deep breathes. I closed my eyes. I fell asleep.