Chapter 35 for me

Meredith had fled the Nursing Home quicker than an Olympic athlete. She couldn't remember a time she had ever been so angry. How dare he go over head and decide what was best for her mother without even speaking to her first. What gave him the right to even think that a clinical trial was the best course of action in her fight with the disease? Clinical trials were untested, rats may have survived prodding and poking in labs but that didn't mean that people would…clinical trials could be death sentences for those participants willing to take the risk…yes there were times when medical miracles happened and new breakthroughs occurred, but there were other times, when medicine cocktails went wrong, and tablets were too strong… no matter which angle she looked at this she just couldn't forgive him. He really did have no right to even mention her mother's name never mind this!

As she sat behind the wheel of the car she didn't think twice about starting the engine and pulling out of there, the quicker she got far away from him the better, she didn't want him catching up with her or following her. As she crunched the car into first gear and pulled away she cast a teary eye back in her rear-view mirror just long enough to see a desperate Derek run out of the door and into the parking lot, eager to stop her and grab her attention. Even as she moved away she could see the devastation written across his face and make out the red rims that now surrounded his eyes…but even so she couldn't stop, she couldn't be around him.

She needed space.

She drove for what felt like an eternity before she realised she had no idea where she was heading. She couldn't go home because that was likely to be the first place he looked…or the one place he waited, she couldn't go to the trailer and she definitely couldn't head back to the hospital because not only would Bailey kick her arse for being out of bed but Mark would more than likely put a call in to Derek identifying exactly where she was and he would be stalking the corridors before she knew it.

As the traffic began to slow a little she allowed herself the opportunity to glance out of the window, something about the area seemed familiar, yet right in that instant she had no idea why. It was like she had been here recently, but she couldn't for the life of her think when it was. She had driven across the city to an area of town she never had much call to visit, yet it all seemed so familiar. The streets were lined with trees and flowers, gardens were well kept and the people walking along the sidewalk seemed happy and content.

The traffic seemed to be coming to a complete standstill so instead of waiting it out in line with the other commuters she made the decision to take a right and find her way through the winding streets of the community. As she drove silently on her attention was alerted to the sound of her cell phone ringing in her bag. Even though she knew who it probably was she pulled into the side of the road and fished around in her bag until her fingers clenched around her phone. It could be Cristina, or the home…or…Derek.

His name and picture flashed across the screen as the ringing tone vibrated around the car, the inside of the vehicle seemed to intensify the noise as the phone continued to ring and ring remaining unanswered as meredith simply started the engine again and set back off, leaving Derek's plea's unanswered as the cell rang again and again.

As she turned left at the next junction the area once again began to show familiarity to her and it slowly dawned on her why she seemed to recognise where she was…lunch with the Shepherds…this was his mothers neighbourhood, she hadn't seen much on the drive there after getting herself upset and knotted up with fear, but after the lunch on the drive home she remembered taking in how beautiful a neighbourhood it was, how perfect the houses looked…how everything looked so homely.

Somehow, out of all the streets and neighbourhoods in Seattle she had managed to drive straight into the area he grew up…how ironic. As eager as she was to avoid him she had ended up in one of the places that meant so much to him.

As she continued through the streets she noticed a small coffee shop to the left that looked perfect to sit back and relax in for a little while, there was barely anyone inside so she could sort her thoughts without fear of being interrupted. She quickly found a parking space, fed the metre and walked inside.

Relief washed over her as she ordered her coffee and sank down into a comfortable arm chair in the window, eager to watch the world go by for a little while instead of worrying about her own…she just needed a few moments to forget her mother…Derek…clinical trials.

As she rested her head back on the soft cushioned chair she was unable to stop the tears flowing, her anger quickly turning to hurt as she tried to imagine the situations her mother could be placed in…possibly for nothing. She sighed as she thought back to the pre Alzheimer's days…things hadn't really changed, her mother was still as absent albeit for different reasons, she once again had to hear how she had never wanted a daughter…it wasn't just her mother who was affected by all of this… as her mother remained trapped in the past Meredith had to endure once again all of the reasons Ellis could list as to why she should never be a mother, and how her own daughter was an inconvenience in her life…and even worse how she was unable of loving anyone but herself.

Meredith had grown up listening to Ellis belittle her and now she was reliving that all over again, and if possible it hurt even more the second time around…as it was obvious she meant it.

'Meredith?' a familiar voice soothed as a shadow cast over the table.

Meredith looked up, her eyes rimmed with red, the whites of her eyes pink with fear and exhaustion, and her cheeks stained with tears of hurt, anger and pain. 'M…Mrs…Shepherd?'

'Carolyn, oh Dear, whatever is the matter? What did my idiot of a son do?'

'Did he send you here? To fix me? To pick up the pieces?' Meredith sobbed as the older women pulled up a chair and moved herself in closer to Meredith.

'Meredith dear I haven't spoken to Derek for three days, I have no idea where he is, or what bought you to my neighbourhood…but what I do know is that you are not alright and you look like you need this right now.' She stated as she leant forward and pulled Meredith into a hug. Meredith remained frozen at first before allowing herself to respond to the warm embrace of Derek's mom.

'I'm guessing this has something to do with that son of mine?'

Meredith nodded gently, easing herself back slightly from her grasp as she reached out for her coffee, her hands shaking so much that Carolyn had to steady her to stop her from scalding herself with the liquid.

'You're here?' she whispered as she felt the bitter taste of the coffee flood her system, warming her from the inside out.

'By complete chance, I had to drop some cookies off into the Twins school for a cake sale later today and decided it best to walk back in the sunshine than sit on the bus. I just happened to glance through the glass as I passed when I saw you obviously upset. I couldn't just walk past, family don't walk away from the people they love.'

'Oh...you…love…'

'I love you Meredith Yes, like one of my own…now please, I don't know why you chose this coffee shop, but I believe in fate so I believe someone brought you here to me…a problem shared is a problem solved.'

'Oh…that's…that's what Derek said…but I...I didn't even give him chance to…oh…' she cried and coughed simultaneously as her lungs vibrated across her ribcage.

'Take a deep breath Meredith, and start at the beginning, it might just help.'

Meredith laced her fingers together and began to draw circles around each wrist in turn as her gaze remained fixed on the sugar bowl on the table as she tried to avoid Carolyn's gaze before another almighty cough took control of her and left Meredith panting for air.

'That doesn't sound too good to me, let me get you something.' Carolyn smiled as she stood up, spoke to the girl behind the counter and returned a few minutes later with a steaming hot mug of hot water.

'Hot water with honey and lemon, my Grandmother swore by the mixture, and it helped every one of the children growing up…and I think it might help more right now than the coffee.' She stated as she slid the mug over towards and Meredith.

'Th...Thanks.' she whispered as she pushed her coffee mug across the table and wrapped her hands around the new mug.

'Wait a few minutes, let it cool Meredith. Whatever it is you can talk to me.'

Meredith waited a few moments, but without thinking she began to talk. She wasn't sure where her voice had come from but before she knew it she was confiding in Carolyn and telling her the same information she had shared with Derek…she was letting her family in, but preying Carolyn wouldn't follow suit and then share her secrets with someone else.

'My...my… mother…has…she…'

'Slowly Meredith, take your time.'

'She is very sick, Alzheimer's. She has Alzheimer's and has days when she doesn't even recognise me.' She sobbed as Carolyn moved her chair closer again and took hold of Meredith's hand in her own.

'Oh Meredith…'

'Don't feel sorry for me…please…I don't deserve pity. I don't deserve to be loved…'

'Meredith stop, don't ever say that or think that. Everyone on this earth deserves to be loved and to love…everyone.'

'Not according to my mother. People like me don't deserve that; we are a burden and a hindrance and get in the way of very important surgeries.'

'She told you that? Your mother actually said that to you?'

'She did, not once…not just all those years ago, but recently too.'

'She told you that as a child?'

'A child, a teenager, an adult…she keeps telling me that.'

'Oh Meredith, no one deserves to hear such things, especially when they are not true. A daughter…any child is a joy and a blessing; don't let anyone ever persuade you otherwise.'

'It's pretty hard to believe when you have spent your entire life hearing it and avoiding love because of it.'

'But you love Derek? And you let him love you.'

'I do. I do love Derek…but loved ones don't go behind your back and share your secrets with others. Loved ones don't make decisions for you or your mother without even discussing them with you first…my mother was right, I don't deserve to be loved. Derek doesn't love me – if he did he would have spoke to me. I'm incapable of love. Derek obviously couldn't deal with my crap on his own that he had to betray me…he betrayed me…'

'I don't know what it is that Derek has done Meredith, but I have to defend him for a moment…until I hear the rest…don't question that he loves you. He loves you more than the world itself. You complete him; you have made him the person he has always wanted to be…you have made him believe in true love. Whatever he has done you can fix this Meredith…the love you two share is a once in a life time feeling and however low you are feeling now I promise you that you won't want to lose him. And I sure as hell know that he would never want to lose you or jepoodise the relationship that you two share.'

'But he has… he has jeapodised everything…'

'I don't understand? Please tell me he hasn't met someone else? Hurt you? My son he would never…'

'No...Derek wouldn't…he wouldn't cheat and he most definitely wouldn't lay a finger on me, he is gentle and kind…he is…amazing really.'

'Then what?'

'It's my mother.'

'Your mother?'

'He…he…he spoke to Mark about my mother. After everything I said to him, how I didn't want the news to spread through the hospital…he spoke to mark. Or should I say that he lied to mark and spoke about 'his boss's mother' but at the end of the day the story he told was mine.'

'Why would Derek talk to Mark?'

'He wants Mark to help get my mother onto a clinical trial. He has decided to have her prodded and poked, and scanned, and injected and goodness knows what else…without even talking to me. He just showed up at the nursing home, gained my mother's trust and expects me to agree?'

'How would Derek even know that such trials existed?'

'He has been researching apparently…searching for an option to help.'

'So he wants to help?'

'Apparently so…but this is not the way to help. By lying to me, and hiding things from me. I shouldn't have to find out that he has visited my mother and spoke to Mark by walking into the home and finding him there for myself.'

'Oh…he was there? I'm sure he means well, I really am, this doesn't sound like the boy I raised, to be so devious?'

'Devious doesn't even come close…its wrong…and…just wrong.'

'I'm sure he didn't mean to upset you Meredith, sometimes Derek is impulsive, he just acts, when he thinks he is right. I'm not excusing him, he shouldn't have gone there without asking you, but if I know my son then he definitely thought he was helping lift a burden from your shoulders or something.'

'He thinks I failed her, he thinks I can't deal with this on my own…my mother was right, I am worth nothing…I can't do anything for myself I shouldn't be loved…'

'Meredith dear, it seems to me you have been doing everything by yourself since you were a young child, and here you are still standing, still a surgeon with an amazing future in front of you, and still capable of love. In spite of everything you have let Derek in. Derek doesn't think you are nothing, it's the exact opposite. He wants to care for you and protect you. It's what people do for the one they love…he may not have been so graceful in showing you…but he wants to be there for you. This is because he loves you…and this love is greater than anything he has ever experienced, which means his protective instincts are heightened like never before. He doesn't think you are useless Meredith; he just wants to be there beside you and help make your life easier. He loves you…'

'This is…I just don't know how to….nobody has ever…' Meredith sobbed as Carolyn's words began to sink in. He loved her…she knew that was true, and she loved him more than she had ever believed possible, but the fact this had all been behind her back was just so confusing.

'When Derek went to the nursing home I guarantee he didn't want to hurt you Meredith. He didn't want to push you away. Somewhere in his confusion he was probably hoping that by meeting your mother and researching the trial first he was getting all of the facts and information he needed before coming to you, He probably thought that if he had a collective argument for why your mother was a suitable candidate for the trial then you would listen to him. '

'You really think that?'

'I do Meredith, I know my son, he isn't the type of person to set out and hurt people. That isn't him…and deep down I think you know that too.'

'I do, I do know that.'

'Then hear him out, please? Give him a chance to speak to you and explain his actions. Don't hate him. How he handled this was wrong I agree but his intentions were entirely honourable. If I know my son then he is hurting right now, kicking himself for how he went about all of this, you think you're mad at him now? It will be nothing compared to how mad he is at himself I promise you that.'

'I didn't mean to upset him.'

'He will understand. You had every right to be upset, he thought he was helping you but his actions led to you running from him in anger. You still love him I hope?'

'I do…always.'

'I think my son needs to hear that. Because right now I'm guessing he thinks he has ruined his future. You are it for him Meredith. The love and affection the pair of you have built so quickly is like a fairy tale. I'm pretty sure Derek feels like the bad guy right now…but he isn't….Derek isn't a bad guy.'

'He really isn't…he is my knight in shining whatever!'

'Exactly.'

'Derek wants to be with you every step of the way. He wants to know everything about you and hold your hand when things get hard…let him Meredith…let us all. I love you like one of my own. You don't have to deal with any of this by yourself…the world is a lonely place if you struggle on alone. You're not alone anymore. I can visit your mother with you, I can bake her cakes or cookies and I can certainly remind you that her words aren't true when things get bad. We are your family Meredith…you deserve to have a family. This is what families do, they support and look for solutions to help their loved ones pain…Derek just wants to make everything ok Meredith, the thought of you suffering breaks his heart…it's all because he loves you.'

Meredith sat propped upon her pillows on her bed thinking about how the day had played out. She knew Carolyn was right. Deep down she had known it all along but her anger and hurt had over ruled her for a little while. Carolyn had helped but everything into perspective, she really was a remarkable women and she couldn't help but wonder what life would be like growing up in a family of love.

She had to remember that she had that now. Derek loved her. His intentions had been good and from the heart, it was simply the order he had done things that were a little messed up.

She missed him.

She loved him.

She needed to tell him that.

'Hey.' A familiar voice filled the air, and as she looked up towards her bedroom door she saw his worried form leaning on the door frame. His shoulders were hunched like he had the weight of the world on them, and his eyes were as red as blood – a clear sign he had been crying.

'Hey.' She replied, surprising herself with how shaky her voice sounded. 'Thank you for coming.' She smiled as she patted the space on the bed next to her.

'Thank you for calling.' He whispered as he took a few tentative steps forwards and filled the space on the bed beside her, his hands falling onto his lap, circling his own wrists…desperate to reach out and touch her.

'I love you.' She smiled as she took his hands in hers and laced her fingers along his, soothing his palm with her thumb

'I know.' He whispered, relaxing as he felt the warmth of her skin on his. 'I love you too.'

'Derek?'

'I didn't think you would want to see me.' He sobbed, unable to keep the fear from his voice. 'I'm so sorry Meredith for…'

'I get it…I didn't before, but I do now…you love me. You did this for me?' she interrupted.

'I did…and knowing I hurt you ripped my heart apart.'

'I'm sorry I ran…or drove away. I didn't mean to…I was just so…confused. But your mom helped me iron a few things out!'

'My mom?'

'She is amazing!

'she is.'

'Derek…Tell me about the programme.'