Nothing is more jarring than going from a pregnancy to a non-pregnant body. The diversity of our experiences now mashed together in the carriage created a unique tension neither malicious or delightful. With Walter and Tabitha in the carriage talking away about the opportunities of London, we made eye contact. We needed a shouting match to release the tension but in the company of Walter and Tabitha? No.
" Caroline?" He dared.
I almost laughed. What else should I do but laugh? It was almost impossible to exist in one time without it shifting beneath our feet. " Yes, John?"
Walter looked up at both of us. I turned my gaze to the window. John's hand sought my back and I physically had no room to play coy. " Em,"
" Yes, Dear?"
His mouth opened and closed.
Tabitha giggled. " I believe his is overcome with your beauty, even though you are not in the best of healths,"
My nose itched to sneeze on cue. Quickly I pressed a cloth to cover my nose and mouth. " Yes, he is incredibly charming like that,"
Walter sported a broken nose - A parting gift from one his scuffles with a local boy.
With heavy head and scratchy throat, I realized that I had inevitably come down with a dreaded cold. Let's pray I never ended up like Jane, eh?
But to John who struggled with an unknown, the compliment had not yet settled on him. " I had nothing to do with the…"
" We can discuss it once we are home," In an odd way, the parsonage felt more like home to me than my parent's house has. I held his hand and kept my nose covered just in case. It wouldn't do if Walter made every boy sick at his school. And poor Tabitha never had a day off from her duties. " But I will say this - never again,"
He nodded in agreement.
" Never again to what?" Walter asked, tugging on John's arm.
" Never you mind, boy," John pat his head. I mentally scheduled a visit to Lydia wanting to speak with her about her current state of mind. She progressed and regresssed so sporadically that I sometimes question the whimsical nature of her role. Troublemaker is the title I assigned to her, but she is a sweet sister if not a bit spoiled and extremely selfish. We all had our faults, and I ought to be mindful of my own as well.
As should we all.
When we reached the parsonage, Walter ran to the house and his room. John separated to send word to Mr. Farson and I immediately settled in the sitting area to write Lydia. How to hint at what occurred without baldly saying it was an artform that I am slowly learning, so after a short letter hastily scrawled, I sealed it with wax and the church stamp. But sitting around wasn't my style. I'd become too accustomed to the busy lifestyle in 1812 and decided to deliver the letter personally to Lydia. Jane intercepted me on the lane.
" Mrs. Brooks!" She waved, pure joy brightening her already blinding beauty.
I nudged the mare to a slow stop. " Miss Bennet, is Lydia present?" For some reason I could never feel close to Jane. There was always a...separation. I could never explain it myself and just marked it up to her living in a different world than everyone else.
" She is unusually cheerful today," Jane confirmed for me.
That seemed to be on par with Lydia's character. " Might you deliver this to her? I must return home and ensure that Walter is prepared for the start of his official schooling," The school in Meryton wasn't famous by any standard, but it was a notable institution to learn, and I prayed that this lifted him to a higher station in life.
Her hand rested on the saddle. " I have missed home. Are you well?"
Wait. She wanted to talk? Well, this is a change.
" As well as I can be. I need to return to the parsonage. Welcome home, Jane," She accepted the letter and stepped back. I slowly guided the mare back toward my home in Hertfordshire. The sky threatened to open up rain. It fell after I reached the parsonage.
Walter ran up to me as I disrobed and gathered my breath. " Ma-am, can I play in the rain?"
" No. You'll become ill,"
" Please!" He grinned at me hoping to win me over.
John cleared his throat. " Wear an extra layer and only a half hour," Walter took off for the door. John motioned for me follow him to his study. Well we needed to talk and we needed to sort it out. This is not to say we were upset with each other but worn down by the future that often times liked kicking us in the shins.
The door and windows locked us into the box that'd either clear our sins or bring to light our own bad behavior. He placed himself at his desk. I placed myself at the door. " Em, I love you,"
" I know. I'd say that is the most well known sentiment in all of Hertfordshire,"
Word control is important now lest the servants think we were crazy.
" But Dear Lord those people! How do they ever call themselves respectable?" He shook his head in growing agitation. He must've referenced his modern parents. I guess his world mirrored too because in this time my mother tried to kill me. " They wanted me to divorce you, to take our child from you-"
" Odd. The letter I received said they wanted custo-it split," My jaw worked back and forth. No way in hell would I ever trust a word from the Brooks in modern times. " My mother was ready to send a hit team to your parent's home," I laughed and laughed because my mom mad is rare. She always had a centered calm that occasionally shattered,and Dad always knew how to fix it.
He laughed with me until finally I leaned against the bookshelf. " I cut my hair, dyed it black,"
" I remember the picture you sent me," He motioned to my full head of hair. " I like it longer,"
I still hated Mrs. Brooks for trying to make me 'blend in'. I didn't need to blend in. I needed to stand out. I needed to be me and if it conflicted with the conservative Brooks family motto, so be it. " You feel better now that you got that off your chest?"
He breathed deeply. " I never understood your hatred for religion, and I still don't, but I understand and respect it. With parents like mine, I understand why people like you exist. Why you are committed to non-belief."
John talked like he also didn't believe. I think he fooled himself into believing that he believed when he clearly did not commit to the structure beliefs of our current patrons. Maybe he is just agnostic and is a spiritual person. I wanted him to be real with himself, but I also wanted him to respected here. There had to a compromise.
" Committed to non-belief, maybe, but I'm willing to alter my beliefs if the evidence is there." I just didn't tolerate stupid people. Or overzealous pricks. Or greedy pricks. Let's be real - live and let live was my campaign. If your fist was harming someone else, if your tongue was harming someone else, if you were personally harming someone, then you were certainly on my hit list. I refused to allow another Mrs. Thomlin to be openly accepted. I shuddered to think of what would have happened were the Regiment stationed elsewhere.
He moved toward me and I embraced him. My lovable idiot still needed me and that was more powerful than any drunk, drink, or high. We stood together for a few minutes, just holding each other like love starved teenagers. More aware of each other's fears, we promised to never let our families come between us again. I learned how far he was willing to go to give me the world. He learned how I feared and loathed frightened the both of us and deepened our connection. Unknown to both of us, the great tinkering goddess of Fate plucked away at the strings that bound us to each other.
We called upon the Bennets the next day with the intention to check on Lydia. Lydia didn't even open up my letter, and Jane insisted that we call upon them frequently now that she was home again, especially with Elizabeth in Hunsford. Mary and Kitty integrated themselves into mine, Walter's, and Tabitha's world with little difficulty. Jane occasionally accompanied them on their visits to the parsonage. When Mary showed up at my doorstep alone, I glanced around hoping to find an escort with her.
" I needed to be away from Mama and Jane. Mr. Booth and Mrs. Booth are already on the road again. Can I -"
I ushered her in. " Come, come,"
She sniffled. " I missed my Mr. Booth,"
" I know how it feels to pine for one's love," Being separated from John filled me with worry constantly. The fact that his parents pressed on him to divorce me and that he held them off soothed my weaker nerves. I couldn't fathom how a catholic could even promote the idea of divorce over the simple fact that I hadn't signed a prenup and refused to convert to any form of christianity. I thought catholics were supposed to be committed to the whole 'marriage is forever' not 'marriage is for only when convenient'. Had I judged the catholic doctrine wrong? I know people make mistakes, but I felt that if you're going to commit to a doctrine, you damn well better uphold it in letter and spirit instead of by appearance only. All or nothing. And you better expect me to criticize the doctrine when it's sexist, racist, age-ist, and flat out classist.
" You do?" She sounded surprised and relieved. " I just want to be with my Thomas again,"
" Hmm," Truthfully I never learned her betrothed's first name. " Well, have you written him?"
" Yes, but he is not always able to write back and after the first letter that he wrote including Lydia's shameful behavior! Oh," She pressed a hand to her forehead. I seated her and Tabitha walked in right on time with the hot water, honey, and milk. " You will not believe it!"
Oh but I could believe it. I specifically remember a conversation I had with Lydia before the Regiment departed Hertfordshire. " You've no idea how relieved I am. Pleased to be home. I miss Lizzy. I missed Mary's preaching. I missed not being pregnant," For a short period of time, Lydia became pregnant by a spanish model Javier Garcia. She miscarried.
" Just promise me you'll be safe," We walked around the house, taking our time and enjoying the weather. "
" So very very soon. But Mrs. Forster swore to invite me as her honored guest. Do not tell Kitty, for she will whine and Papa will put up a weak argument," Lydia waved her hand about.
I clutched my hands behind my back. " Mrs. Forster will look after you, to be certain, but remember-"
" I know," She sighed heavily. " You do not need to remind me," She shushed me and I let her be. When we parted, that was the last I saw of her before she would return to Hertfordshire as Mrs. Wickham.
Mary expressed the full array of shameful behavior Lydia engaged in with growing scandalized sisterly disappointment and Tabitha helped me assure the distraught lady that all would turn out. I know it would turn out but not necessarily for the better. Wickham gambled and drank excessively. Lydia loved to live in excess. This is common Jane Austen-fan knowledge. To the centrist Tabitha, she merely wanted to believe that Lydia would somehow reform.
Mrs. Forster had no time to rein her in if Lydia were not in her company. Lydia promised to write her sisters and mother but surprise surprise! She failed to write them except under the duress of social expectation, aka Mr. Wickham mentioning it time to time. She constantly wandered through the field of tents and sea bathed without Mrs. Forster or other ladies around her. Mr. Booth even mentioned that Lydia and Mr. Wickham were often seen to prefer one another over general company. Colonel Forster suspected partiality on Lydia's part but Wickham stayed a flirt and spread himself around liberally.
" You will be pleased to know that my in-laws are going to visiting us soon," I produced the letter from the desk and allowed her to read it. Mary's expression shifted as she neared the end. When she handed it back, Tabitha asked if she'd be staying for dinner. " You should stay," I pressed, happy that Tabitha thought to suggest it. " John will welcome the company, and Mr. Farson wanted to use your extensive knowledge of the bible to help him form a study plan for the students in Meryton,"
Don't ask me about how I feel about Walter being forced into a church-y education. I'm just not in the mood to go on a rant about it. I really-no. Church-state separation exists for a reason and this is regency era 1812 where religion is as necessary as air to people. It is what it is. ( But do you blame the people? The poor are poor, the middle class is disappearing and in years to come, famine is going to become a real problem,)
But cheer up! Smile. Each day is a new day. We have the potential to change our futures by focusing on present. K? Feel better now? Sorry I depressed you.
With Mary's agreement to stay for dinner, I cheerfully prepared for the soon to be hectic visit by my mysterious in-laws who I had not remembered being present at the wedding. One brother had been permitted leave to make it to the wedding, but not Henry. Mary and Tabitha created a checklist with me for all their needs and wants, and what I could reasonably expect to do within the short time they'd be visiting. John and Mr. Farson volunteered to take over the duty of occupying Henry's time, which I had no issue with as men and women lead very separate lives and often only saw each other in the evenings after the 'men time' was spent away from the women as if we were...I don't know...beneath them? I don't know how spending time with women was derogatory. Did men really need that separation to feel masculine? I don't know. I just didn't understand me at times!
But just you wait - these in-laws were going to be far more tolerable than Mr. and Mrs. Brooks! I promise you that ( hopefully).
In the carriage ride back to Longbourn, Mary sighed and lamented that I no longer lived at Longbourn. " I do not know about you, Mary, but living with your mother was a nightmare I am glad to be rid of. Do you not find her harping tedious?"
" Mama does tire a person's tolerance, but she cares about us. She just...she has trouble showing it,"
I held her hand in mind. " I understand, I do. But even you acknowledge that she needs to change to be respected,"
" No one will respect Mama, not after all the criticism she's inflicted on other ladies in and around Hertfordshire. Aunt Phillips is only slightly more respectable but even Uncle acknowledges that the Bennets and Phillips are being disrespected by their behavior,"
" Not everyone is you and I, Mary. As Mr. Collins put it, while we may enjoy a serious stamp of a book, your mother and aunt were taught that stupdity is desirable. We both have proof that Mrs. Thomlin is a not a desirable example of stupidity, nor is the lack of domestic felicity between your parents. I am amazed your aunt's marriage is so harmonious," I fixed my bonnet and swayed with the carriage. Modern cars being using a carriage, hands down.
With Longbourn village in sight, we both resigned that we would not be permitted respected associations through Mrs. Phillips and Mrs. Bennet.