I own nothing.
Chapter 35
"It'll be okay, baby. Just remember that we're doing this to help all of us. The past year has been hell and we can't keep it all bottled up," said Addison as the clock struck midnight meaning that it was no longer Sunday, but Monday the day he had been dreading. He had wanted it to be his birthday forever, then he had wanted Sunday to never end, but all that was so unrealistic. Monday had to come. Jerome felt the nerves of it even in his sleep, he was so nervous to hear what his family had to say about him. Scared to see their pain, their anger, but most of all their fear. Those were all emotions he never thought anyone would feel towards him, but especially not them. Today was going to be the family therapy session his aunt had wanted.
"They think you're crazy too…they're just afraid to say it…they're afraid of you," hissed his mother's voice from inside his head making him think of his family and if maybe she was right. They had seen him kill people on TV, what if it all really was an act because they were all too scared to tell him how they really felt; Jerome just didn't know. And that's what really scared him. The last thing he ever wanted was the ones he loved to be afraid of him. What if they thought he was a monster? What if they feared him that he would kill them the way he had their mother? What if they didn't see him as their Jerome anymore?
Both of those questions scared him because they could change everything. They could change his entire future. That was why Jerome found himself alone in bed that morning, Addison had been gone when he woke up, but that didn't worry him.
"I'll be here for the session, J, I won't leave your side, I promise. I'll stay here with you for as long as you need me," whispered Addison that same night as he laid his head on her chest drifting off to sleep and he knew she meant that, so waking up without her didn't worry him after all she was probably just outside the door. So, much was going through his mind he couldn't get up until it all settled. But that didn't happen that easy.
"What if they are afraid of me?" thought Jerome in that moment staring up at the ceiling thinking of all the times since his return that they had told him they loved him and even though he knew they meant it he still worried that they didn't see him the same. That they were hiding things, things that they knew would hurt him in order to protect him. Jerome wasn't so sure he wouldn't have done the same thing. He knew they would do anything for him as he would them and he knew sometimes that meant lying to the ones you love. But even as he knew that he didn't want one of the lies he was being told to be that they were afraid of him. The truth was Jerome didn't care if the rest of Gotham or the world was afraid of him, as long as his family didn't fear him he would be fine. And if anyone else had done the things he'd done he knew he would be afraid, but even as he tried to rationalize everything none of it eased his mind. But still as much as he tried to understand, Jerome still didn't want to find out they were scared of him. That they feared him.
The thought of that scared him so bad Jerome felt that depression he could remember from within the walls of Arkham in his heart again. Part of him wanted to give up. He just wanted to lie in bed and let his life play out. But as he heard his family in the next room he knew that wasn't an option. They wouldn't let him just waste away even if they did fear him; that was one of the things that told him every day that they loved him. Sitting up in bed, Jerome swung his legs over the edge, and letting his head fall into his hands he groaned. What could be said today could change how he saw everything. He stayed just like that until he felt cool gentle hands in his hair. That was when he uncovered his eyes looking up into Addy's soft understanding eyes and groaning again he buried his face in her stomach.
Neither of them knew what to say or if anything even had to be said. Addison knew that in that moment words were not what he needed, he needed someone to simply be there. Someone to silently tell him that it was going to be alright and running her hands through his hair she tried to say that. She knew nothing would stop those thoughts that she knew were in his head. Words were simply useless in that moment. Addison knew that not until the session was over would those thoughts go away because only then would he hear what he needed to hear. That he wasn't feared, but loved. That the only prevalent emotion they felt when they thought of the last year was not fear, but guilt. Only after the session could he ever begin to understand that. So, they remained silent. Jerome finally looked at her and as their eyes met Addison saw all his fears. She saw all his questions and looking down she knew she had no answers. And she gave no answers only looking down at him.
"I love you I hope you know that," said Addison saying it like he had many times to her like it was the only thing she knew to be a fact. In that moment, her hands left his hair trailing down to his face. He leaned into her touch and as he did Addison smiled the hint of a smile because she knew that was his answer. Jerome knew he was loved, but as their eyes stayed locked Addison knew that changed nothing. After all, in his mind, you could love someone, and fear them all at the same time.
"I know…I love you too, Addy. I'm just nervous…I don't know what to expect or what you're going to say. I'm scared," whispered Jerome his voice muffled as he buried his head in her stomach pulling her closer.
After a moment, he kissed the place just above her belly button slowly letting his eyes drift back to hers.
"It's gonna be alright, J. Just know that no matter what is said here today that we love you. That we're doing this for that reason. You know that…right?" said Addison.
"I said I do…I just need to freak out a little, Addy. Until it's all over I just need to freak out," whispered Jerome pulling her closer in the same moment making her straddle his hips. Jerome looked at her then his eyes seeming to search for something. Addison knew that deep down he knew what she was trying to say and in that moment, she knew what he was trying to say too. He knew that they loved him, but at the end of the day that couldn't just make his fear go away. Only time would do that. Addison also knew that he needed her to understand that as much as she needed him to know and never forget that he was loved.
"Okay, baby…I just needed you to know. Everything's going to be just fine…there is nothing to be nervous about…you'll see," whispered Addison kissing his forehead as she rose from his lap quietly leaving the room. As he watched her walk away, Jerome knew that she understood him in that moment. She knew he didn't want her to explain away how he was feeling or tell him why he was feeling it. In that moment Jerome needed her to just listen to him and that's what she did.
Addison had done what he needed her to do and for that he loved her. Jerome dressed slowly when the time came for him to do so. He didn't dress in anything specific or fancy he just pulled on a T-shirt and shorts before collapsing in bed. In his mind, there was no reason to leave his room or his bed until his aunt arrived. He would be to no good to anyone anyway. Not until Kristen arrived only then did he dare open his bedroom door. When he entered the room, he felt like he was walking into some sort of intervention.
Everyone was staring at him the air in the room was very heavy only lessoning when his aunt approached him. She hugged him tight briefly kissing his cheek.
"Happy Birthday, Jerome. I'll give you your present as soon as we're through. Take a seat and we'll start and go at whatever pace is agreeable with everyone," said Kristen giving him a gentle smile and a nudge closer to where everyone else sat. Jerome stood there a moment though quietly gathering himself. He didn't feel ready for this moment, but he knew there was no getting around it. This was important, it was important he understand just what he'd put them through. Gently she moved him into the circle of his family only letting go to return to her place in that same circle.
"It's okay, Jerome. We'll all here as a family to work through some things together," whispered Kristen taking his hand once more. He knew she was trying to reassure him in that moment, but it wasn't working. Not until someone else on the other side of him took his hand. And looking down Jerome found himself looking down into Addison's eyes. She did it for only a moment, but it was enough to ease his mind.
Jerome sat down his eyes still lingering on Addy. He needed her there and that's why the second he sat by her side he grabbed her hand again. She was his strength and having her by his side made him stronger. At first, the whole room stayed dead silent, Kristen didn't try to break it right away, but let it stay. In that moment part of her wondered if they needed that silence. But it couldn't last forever. Kristen knew it had to end, she wasn't sure who would end it or how it would end, but she knew it needed to end at some point. In the beginning though it seemed endless.
"Alright, today as I said to Jerome we are coming together as a family. We are here to support each other and understand the pain we've all felt in the past. So, saying that I want you all to try not to be judgmental despite what any of us may say in these sessions," said Kristen smiling reassuringly at anyone. She hoped someone would smile back, but none of them did. They all seemed so forlorn. None of them would look at her or Jerome; they all seemed just lost in their own thoughts.
"Don't be afraid of hurting me. I know I hurt all of you when I did what I did," whispered Jerome. Those were the words that made every eye land on him.
"Thank you, Jerome, I think that eased everyone's minds. Now I want us to discuss how we felt when we found out what Jerome had done and that he was in Arkham. I don't want anyone to hold back, if you have something to say please don't be afraid," said Kristen noticing in that moment that Charlie's eyes were glued to her brother.
"Charlie do you want to start?" whispered Kristen gently placing her hand over that of her niece.
"It was the last thing I was expecting. I mean, I went to work and on my lunch break I see my brother…on TV labeled a murderer…and who did he murder, our mom. How do you react to that?" whispered Charlie staring down at her hands the whole time.
When that was said Charlie looked at Kristen in search of a real answer.
"What was I supposed to do. I didn't know what to do…I mean my brother had killed our mom. I didn't know how to respond to that or what I was supposed to do. I remember just being shocked…but also glad. Not glad because Jerome was in Arkham, but because she was dead. She couldn't come back to ruin our lives anymore," whispered Charlie part of her feeling ashamed for saying and feeling such a thing. Kristen wasn't sure what to say to her in that moment for she found herself conflicted. While she understood why they all felt that way, Lila had still been her sister, and no matter what she did part of her would always love her as such. They hadn't been close or seen each other in years, but she was her sister all the same. And as much as she understood how they felt, though sometimes she felt the same; she still wished things hadn't ended for her the way they did.
"I understand, Charlie…your mother put you all through so much. I think anyone in the same situation would feel the same," whispered Kristen finding that was the only thing she could say. She had known a different Lila, one who wasn't always so evil. That was the sister she preferred to remember.
"Okay, well what about Jerome? What did you all think when you knew him to be the killer?" said Kristen.
"Like Charlie, I was pretty shocked…I never thought Jerome could do something like that. We were all shocked…I mean I came here and no one was saying anything it was like someone had died. It was scary and later as it all sunk in I began to feel guilty. Like I should have done something to stop him from going to her in the first place. I almost went to Arkham just to see if he was okay, but Oliver wouldn't let me. He said Jerome wouldn't have wanted me anywhere near that place. Even now I wish I hadn't listened to him," said Addison tears moving down her cheeks as she spoke. Everyone else was crying too. She had said everything that needed to be said. She had summed up all their feelings and as Jerome looked at them all he felt the need to tell them not to be guilty, but he suddenly found he couldn't speak. He could only stare at them all the words almost lodged in his throat.
"She's right. We should have done something to stop mom before. We should have stopped her, said no when she sent for Jerome every time she was in town," said Oliver refusing to look at anybody just shaking his head the whole time.
"I was the one raising all these kids…I should have told her no. I should have told her to stay away from us…to stay out of our lives," whispered Charlie her eyes filled with tears as she suddenly broke down shaking her head as her head fell into her hands. Jerome reached across wanting to sooth his sister, but he stopped himself. He was the reason for this. Both him and his mother were. So, he didn't move instead he just sat there watching as everybody else comforted her. Part of him, couldn't help feeling relieved because they didn't hate him or fear him. It was just as Addy had said; they loved him.
They didn't hate him or fear him; they loved him so much that they were blaming themselves. But he didn't want that either.
"You all have nothing to feel guilty about. What I did had nothing to do with anything you guys could have done differently. It was going to happen one way or another because mom just kept pushing us in that direction," exclaimed Jerome his voice raising making everyone cry more even as they looked at him.
"Jerome…we are here to listen not judge you," began Kristen before he abruptly cut her off. She wasn't getting it in that moment, he needed to say this, and she wasn't going to stop him.
"No, I don't want anyone trying to take the blame for what I did. I killed mom, me, no one else. It was bound to happen, she was nothing, but a cruel hearted bitch. She was going to die…I just happened to be the one to make her die. I don't want any of you blaming yourselves, there's nothing you could have done," whispered Jerome holding onto Addy's hand like an anchor.
"Jerome…we're a family. You shouldn't have been put in that situation in the first place…if you hadn't been forced into that…then none of this would have happened. Maybe mom would still be dead, but you wouldn't have done it. You would never have been sent to Arkham and you never would have met Galavan. Everything would be different if we'd done something for you," exclaimed Oliver refusing to let his brother take all the blame. He would always wish he had done something. Wish that he had gone with Jerome or simply went himself. If he had Oliver wondered every day where they would all be right now.
"No Ollie, that was all part of Jerome's illness. No matter what if you went to visit Jerome in Arkham or anything else you could have done he most likely would have done the same things while with Theo Galavan," explained Kristen. She let them all process that as she prepared to bring up everything Jerome had did under Theo Galavan's influence. Even she thought that maybe Jerome would never had killed again if that man had never entered his life. He had taken advantage of Jerome's mental instability for his own gains. He had used him and when he was done with him he had stabbed him in the neck. He had very nearly killed him. Theo Galavan was a huge catalyst for what Jerome had done which is why they couldn't avoid talking about him.
"What were your thoughts when you first saw Jerome on the television covered in blood at the police station?" said Kristen looking at each of them trying to gauge their response. For the first time in that moment she saw fear in their eyes. Fear not of Jerome, but of his actions. She knew that like her, it had made them question everything that they thought they knew.
"I didn't want to believe that was Jerome. That the person I knew, that I loved was on the screen doing those things," whispered Addison her voice so low they all could barely hear her.
"It was hard to believe that the person doing those things was the boy I'd known since I was nine. That my Jerome could do that…it made me wonder if he had ever been my Jerome. If I'd ever really known him or if it'd been an act. Suddenly I found myself questioning everything," whispered Addison not looking at Jerome until she was just barely finished speaking. Their eyes met, Jerome saw the tears waiting to spill behind her eyes. Kristen watched them in that moment for the first time seeing the connection they shared. They didn't need to say anything, they could simply look at each other, and understand. In that moment as she watched that she knew she needed to bring them out of the moment they were having, but she really didn't want to.
"If that was the case, why are you here now, Addison? What changed when Jerome came back?" whispered Kristen. They both looked at her in that moment coming out of the trance that was their moment. They looked at each other again then and they shared a smile. She really didn't understand, but looking at her again they thought that maybe they could try to make her understand.
"I love him," began Addison in answer feeling as Jerome squeezed her hand.
"I love him and when you love someone you take chances. I'll admit to being a little scared…a little hesitant, but I love him. I almost lost him…Galavan could have killed him. That changed everything for me…he could have come to my doorstep after that prepared to kill me, I still would have been happy to see him," exclaimed Addison scooting closer on instinct. It was in that moment that Kristen realized that everyone, including her, was crying.
"That's why we're all still here, J. We almost lost you…there was a moment there when we thought we did," whispered Oliver wiping the tears from his eyes.
"I watched my baby brother get stabbed…they said you were dead," exclaimed Charlie breaking down once more and this time Jerome didn't hold back he moved quickly to hug her.
"I think we've made a lot of progress. I knew that we were all effected by this, but now I see how much," cried Kristen moving to hug Charlie as the other three did the same forming one big group hug.
"We will definitely need more sessions like this," whispered Kristen feeling as they only nodded. Nothing more was said; the session was effectively over. They had said all they needed to say for now at least and with that in mind Kristen looked at all of them out of the corner of her eye. She knew it would be a long time before their family was okay again.